Making the end of 2009 more interesting....

Thanks for all of your encouragement and advice. I did see 10KL (stretchy, clear CM) once yesterday so it does seem like ovulation is delayed this cycle.

So I had something strange happen last night.

I apologize in advance if this is TMI.

So Mr. JB and I used a day of fertility (hee hee, I love it when my Creighton practitioner uses that term!) and afterwards I noticed a little bit of blood. Yesterday was CD16 and pre-surgery I did bleed when I ovulated. This morning I'm still spotting very, very lightly and I'm also seeing lots of fertile CM.

I panicked at first and the first thought that came to mind was, "Oh crap, the endo is back."

I know, I shouldn't be full of doom and gloom (although being back at my FIL's house, it's easy since it seems like anyone over 40 is all grumpy and down in the dumps!).

The spotting could just be a fluke (although I doubt it). Or perhaps I just ovulated and I spotted coincidentally when we bd'ed.

My ladyparts just love to make my life more interesting.

Advice? Opinions? Help!

Un peu de panique...

Or a little bit of panic....

I don't know if I ovulated.

Even before having all the crazy disease removed from my body I ovulated LIKE CLOCKWORK.

So this is what my chart looks like:

Dec 15 VL/B (very light, brown bleeding)
16 H (heavy flow)
17 H (heavy flow)
18 M/L (medium, light flow)
19 L (light flow)
20 VL x 3 (very light flow, 3 times)
21 VL x 1 (pink) OAD (very light, pink once, dry)
22 VL x 2 (pink) OAD (very light, pink, dry)
23 OAD 10 KL x 1 (dry all day, clear, stretchy CM, once)
24 OAD 6CL x 1 (dry, cloudy CM)
25 6 CL x 1 OAD (cloudy CM, dry)
26 6 CL x 1 OAD (cloudy CM, dry)
27 6 CL x 1 10 SL x 3 (cloudy CM, shiny with lubrication)
28 6 CL x 2 10 SL x 3 (cloudy CM, shiny with lubrication)
29 6 CL x 2 10 SL x 3 (cloudy CM, shiny with lubrication)

All the days of 6CL are freaking me out. I didn't see any 6CL last cycle and I had many more days of 10KL last cycle.

Am I freaking out for nothing? Is it too early to think that I didn't ovulate?

This Cross I Embrace, Finding Joy in Every Journey do you have any advice?

I need to stand on my head or something....

Coming Clean

Mr. JB and I are celebrating our annual do nothing day. I'm still wearing my pj's and it's almost 8pm! Woohoo!

I've been looking forward to this day since our vacation started. I know that I already started griping early on, but it really hasn't gotten any better. I've tried to put on a happy face but I just feel like I'm walking through a very sad, thick fog.

Saturday was the worst.

Christmas with my family with Mr. JB's family around was fun. My family is loud and full of life which is the total opposite of what it's like when I'm around the in-laws. I was quite apprehensive since I was afraid that my father-in-law (who was quite miserable since his cataract operation) wouldn't have any fun and also the majority of my relatives speak English very poorly. Fortunately my crazy mother and father sat with him most of the evening and he was quite happy with the evening.

And it went downhill from there.

I know from what Mr. JB has told me that my FIL has a tendency to take his stress out on the people that he cares about. His cataract surgery plus his impending cancer treatments coupled with the steady decline of his girlfriend has obviously taken it's toll on him. It seemed like everything that I did, cooked, watched on television was wrong. I cooked dinner on Christmas Eve and he proceeded to tell me that I didn't do it properly (although Mr. JB says that he didn't say it outright, but he did say, "I wouldn't do it that way.").

I also know that this particular Christmas has been really tough on me and I've been really hyper-sensitive emotionally. I was watching O.prah today and I started to tear up when this little girl was interviewing T.aylor S.wift! What is wrong with me???

I've been trying to hold it together and seem like I'm enjoying my holiday, but it is getting more and more difficult.

So as I was having lunch on Saturday I got tired of hearing my FIL complain about how bad the TV we were watching was and I said, "Well if it's so bad why don't you turn it off?"

It was the first time I have ever used an angry tone with him in the 6 1/2 years I've been with Mr. JB, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

Then my brother-in-law said, "Well just as long as you don't put on the C.BC."

And that's when I lost it.

[For those of you non-Canucks out there, the C.BC is our national public broadcaster, which I absolutely love. Mr. JB's family has this strange dislike of the network which I will never completely understand.]

I got up from the table even though I wasn't finished my lunch and I stormed down to the laundry room (I didn't really need to wash clothes, but it was the only refuge that I could find in my tiny house) while slamming every door that I could. When I stormed up the stairs to our bedroom Mr. JB came up to comfort me. I'm so glad that he stuck up for me. He reminded his family that they were in my house and that they had to be more respectful. We left for a couple of hours to go grocery shopping so I could take a breather.

I'd like to believe that my in-laws were better behaved yesterday, but I was just happy to see them leave so I could have my house back to myself.

I spent last night helping out at the annual Christmas carol celebration that my parish runs in conjunction with a few others in the neighbourhood. The event ends in our church hall and I was working in the kitchen. Although I love helping at this event that raises money for our local outreach centre/food bank I think every year that I can't wait to have a baby so I won't have to anymore. It's the fourth time I've helped out and the third time I've been barren.

My holidays have been particularly difficult because we got news that my husband's best friend's wife is expecting a girl. I've mentioned them before (their first child was born with a cleft palate a couple of years ago) and they have been having some serious marital issues. Mr. JB's friend has been having blood pressure issues due to stress and his wife doesn't seem to be helping at all. They are also having some money issues as well.

Honestly, I think that I would get pregnant instantly if Mr. JB and I started fighting and if we went into serious debt. All of this stability and marital happiness doesn't seem to equate into any fertility around here.

Mr. JB also just got off the phone with one of his friends who just had a baby. They were married THREE years after us.

I am so absolutely jealous and envious of any fertile right now. I wish that I could rise above it, but I can't. It also doesn't help that I'm at the middle of my cycle and I haven't seen any fertile CM as of yet.

I don't want to start 2010 with this horrible attitude. Then again, I can't wait to see the end of 2009. Although I may have learned the reasons behind my infertility, it hasn't made it any easier to deal with.

I need some chocolate. ASAP.

My Advent Prayer Buddy

My Advent Prayer Buddy was:

Beth of Beautiful Day

I was very excited to be paired up with Beth for a couple of reasons:
1) She has two endo babies, so it definitely gives me hope!
2) She helped me through a lot of the anxiety after my first surgery -- I don't know if I thanked you when we spoke in the spring Beth. Thanks so much Beth!!!!
3) She was also on L.upron so she understand 100% what I went through for those four crazy months!

I offered up some rosaries for Beth and her family -- I love running a rosary club at school, it makes sure that I pray in the middle of my work day! I also offered up some prayers to Pope John Paul II (I realize that he isn't a saint and that it may be liturgically incorrect, but I don't think that it would hurt!) for her beautiful family.

I also offered up some panicked and scared prayers for her when I was driving home in icy conditions on December 15th.

I'm grateful that I was paired up with Beth. Knowing what she went through before she had her two gorgeous children, gives me hope that I will be a mother one day too.

Merry Christmas Beth, Ken, Madeleine and JP! May all of God's blessings be upon all of you!

p.s. Happy Birthday + 1! Welcome to club 30!!!!

I'm a pouting JellyBelly

What is wrong with me?

I should be so happy that I'm on vacation and that it's almost 11am and I'm still in my pj's.

But I'm not.

I feel like a petulant brat right now.

And do you know what set me off?

If you scroll down my blog roll you'll see a section that's called, "Sometimes I like to forget that I'm barren." A couple of days ago the first blog's post title was, Very Happy Nine-Month News.

Of course this blogger, who is not an IF blogger, got pregnant on her honeymoon.

Argh.

Of course, like the self-flagellating infertile that I am, I read the post when I should've gotten up from the computer and had some chocolate. Or a drink.

Btw, I've had a couple glasses of wine in the past two days. I couldn't help it. I cracked. And man, it was good! Even if it was wine in a tetra pack!

I've also been particularly pouty because we've been at my father-in-law's place for a day longer than I wanted to. He had a cataract removed on Monday (with no complications) and I really wanted to be home yesterday since I had presents to wrap and baking to do. He was feeling a little nervous about his eye so he asked to stay one more night. I'm trying not to feel too stressed out about it, but I know that I have a mountain of things waiting for me.

My FIL has also been phoning his friends to tell him about the spots in his prostate. For some reason it didn't sink in that he was actually sick until now. He starts radiation on January 4th and will have about 38 treatments. We're lucky that he has a good network of people in the village that he lives in since it would be really difficult for myself or Mr. JB to take so much time off. Apparently he will be able to drive home after his treatments at the start, but he may start to feel ill three weeks into the radiation.

I'm feeling quite overwhelmed at the thought of him being sick. Although he's 73, he's hardly ever sick and is so active. When my friends meet him they're quite surprised to learn his age since he's so full of life. I know that his prognosis is good and that the doctors are very confident (also one of his closest friends had the same diagnosis a couple of years ago and is completely recovered) that he will be just fine.

His girlfriend (yes, the one that Mr. JB and I don't like) is also declining in health. She had a series of mini-strokes earlier this year and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I cannot believe how rapidly her condition is deterioriating. She phoned this morning and was all confused because she couldn't find my FIL's phone number.

I feel especially bad since I don't really like my FIL's girlfriend. She has given me a hard time since we got engaged and I have no idea why. Mr. JB has had a rocky relationship with her as well, but he has loads more patience than I do.

And to top it off I'm also feeling strange pain in my pelvis. I have no idea what is going on down there. I'm on CD 8 and I don't think that it's cramps since I hardly had any this time around. I'm petrified that the abscess or the endo is growing back.

What it boils down to is that I'm scared. And I'm also tired.

I feel resentful that instead of feeling all happy, jolly and Christmassy I'm feeling like a sad, infertile baby.

Okay, I have to surrender the computer to my newly-F.acebook addicted husband. Hopefully getting his off of my chest will make me feel better.

p.s. I'll post about my prayer buddy later!

Elizabeth

I remember when we were engaged and we would talk about what we would name our kids.

Elizabeth was my number one choice.

It seems like my choice was foreshadowing things to come.

This morning's homily was all about pregnancy and waiting. Our pastor spoke of the beauty of a pregnant woman and how the anticipation of birth is such a great metaphor for Advent. He also spoke of the differences in age between Elizabeth and Mary. He figured that Elizabeth was almost 50 while Mary was barely 16.

Like so many of us, I thought that I would be a mother in my early 30's. I knew that I wouldn't be a young mother since I didn't get married until I was 30, but I figured that we would have a couple of kids in quick succession. It wasn't a question, or so I thought back then. Now here I am, almost 35 and I'm still childless.

Our pastor mentioned that his mother had him when she was 45. He also mentioned that his mother was quite embarrassed since all of the other mothers were in their 20's.

I realize that the stigma of being an older mother isn't what it was years ago. My fertile best friend talks about how young she is in comparison to the other mother's in her daughter's class. The majority are in their 40's and some have fathers well into their 50's. I know that I'm quite a way from being a 50 year old mom, but I'm so scared that I'm going to spend the next 5 years being barren.

But in the end Elizabeth did get her baby.

I don't think that our pastor meant for the infertile in me to feel all sad and despondent. I think that I wanted me to find hope in the fact that after all of her years petitioning and praying that she did get what her heart desired.

I need to be patient, so much more patient than I have been.

St. Elizabeth please help me to follow your example, I really need your help right now.

I have a theory...

I'm feeling pretty down right now, but I think it's because I am absolutely exhausted.

The cramps haven't been bad at all, although I've taken some A.dvil today, but not every four hours like I used to!

Our Christmas concert went really well. The parents were so happy and I teared up while my class was singing.

One more sleep until vacation.

Thank God.

CD2

The second day of my second period with my newly disease-free ladyparts.

I do have to say that any twinge that I feel makes me worry that the endo is growing back. Any minor cramp (and trust me, they have been QUITE minor in comparison to what I had to endure pre-surgery) makes me stop and think, "Now, was that really bad or am I just overreacting?"

I overreact, every time.

I wish that I could trust my body again.

Before my period started yesterday I kept on repeating, "It's okay if you get your period, it really is."

Even though it wasn't.

I'm tired of looking at every one's cute kids on their Christmas cards. I wouldn't send my friends pictures of my empty uterus! I know that they aren't flaunting their fertility. Heck, if I had kids now their cute faces would be plastered everywhere.

If I had kids I wouldn't be blogging right now, but that is besides the point.

We had our Christmas concert dress rehearsal this morning. I almost cried when the little kindergarten kids did their version of "Away in a Manger." I even commented to the librarian that I wanted to put one of them in my purse.

An infertile woman surrounded by little children all day long is sometimes not healthy.

To top it off I sat beside the VERY pregnant grade two teacher. She was telling me all about how she loves to watch her belly at night.

Have I mentioned that she got pregnant by accident????

Only two sleeps until Christmas vacation.

There's hope, right?

CD1

I was hoping.

I know that I said that I was okay with having low progesterone levels.

I may have fibbed just a little bit.

I didn't feel like crying when I saw the tinge of pink on the toilet paper, but I didn't feel like dancing either.

I think that it may be time to investigate adoption.

Really. I think that I'm finally ready.

It's not about being pregnant, it's about being a mother.

I also don't think that putting Ralph in my purse and smuggling him home for the Christmas holidays is an option. It would definitely make his mama sad if I did that!

It's okay that my period started today. I was still on antibiotics around ovulation AND it was my first cycle off of L.upron.

I also made it to Peak +14 (14 days past ovulation, although according to the ultrasound that I had on November 26th I ovulated then, I've had a LONG luteal phase!).

Bring on the HCG!

I can't wait to feel normal again!

p.s. I must've had a team of guardian angels on my way home tonight. I went to C.ostco after yoga to get some last minute gifts and when I left the store the roads were like a sheet of ice! It took me an hour to get home when it usually takes 15 minutes! When I was almost home I skidded and crashed into a curb. I got out to check out the damage and there was nothing. Mr. JB took a look when I got home and the rim of my tire is bent a tiny bit, but everything seems okay. I was still shaking until about 15 minutes ago. Thank God I have good tires!

Decking halls

So Mr. JB and I finally have our little house decorated. We got our tree (a Fraser Fir which I thought was from Ontario, but is really from North Carolina!) on Friday which was the coldest day of the year, thus far. It was -20C with the windchill and the tree felt cold until well into yesterday!

We went Christmas shopping with my crazy mother yesterday which in theory was a good idea, but in practice a very, very bad one. Mr. JB told me that she started complaining very early on in our trip that I was going into every store. Um, I don't know how else to shop for Christmas presents. I thought that was what people did! I am certain that I earned some indulgences in heaven after spending that much time with her while enduring crowds of crazed shoppers.

I'm still feeling the progesterone-induced fog, or is it lack of progesterone? I'm absolutely exhausted and I could barely drag myself out of bed yesterday despite having slept in to past 9pm! I took a nap before heading out to yoga this afternoon and it was painful to get out of bed! This next week is going to be pretty difficult since I'm running so low on energy and patience!

Tonight marks the last night of the progesterone! I can't wait until I'm back on HCG. It is the drug of choice it seems amongst us infertiles, eh? Regardless, I want my hormones back to normal, now!!!

----------------------------------------------------------

My father-in-law is feeling very positive about his treatment. He went to see his specialist last week and they put gold on the spots in his prostate (at least that's what I recall Mr. JB telling me). Apparently the gold helps radiation target the disease. He also has to have a cataract removed on the 21st which happens to be his 40th wedding anniversary. Quite the milestone, it just makes me so sad that Mr. JB's mom passed such a long time ago.

Thank you for all of your prayers. I'm trying to think positively, but Mr. JB had a little breakdown today, which is totally out of character. I'm usually the one that cries around here!

p.s. Please pray for my teaching partner's grandmother. She passed away earlier today and she is absolutely devastated. Although I never met Nonna Theresa, I'm sure that she was a wonderful lady.

Ask and you shall receive....

I just got off of the phone with my fantastic Napro doctor.

My progesterone is still quite low so it is back on the HCG for me.

I know that I have complained many, many times about my fear of needles, but I have been feeling so horrible on the vaginal progesterone I knew that my hormones were just off.

So I guess that our first cycle post-L.upron is not going to be a successful one.

And I'm okay with that.

Really.

Mr. JB and I are off to get our Christmas tree. FINALLY!!!!

p.s. FJIEJ pointed out that Lollipop Goldstein mentioned me on her Friday blog round-up. I'm blushing just a little bit over here.

Fog

It is absolutely the wrong time to be in a progesterone-induced fog. 

I'm tired. My boobs are achy. And I am the grumpiest woman in Canada.

I'm sure of it.

It also doesn't help that I just got off the phone with a clueless mother who told me that her child said that I didn't allow snowpants! 

AND SHE BELIEVED HER!!!!

What self-respecting, winter-appreciating teacher would say that her student couldn't wear snowpants?!??!

Honest to Pete, I'm about to kick someone.

I need a vacation. Or at least off of this progesterone.

I miss HCG. I never thought that I would miss the needles, but I do. 

Impatiently Waiting

One would think that after over four years of waiting that I would be good at it.

Perhaps it has to do with being an only child. Instant gratification was something that I was used to as a kid. I had the undivided attention of both of my parents! I also had the extra benefit of being the first female grandchild on my mother's side and the first Canadian born on my father's.

Although it was a relief to be on my L.upron-enforced TTC break in many respects, I'm starting to feel quite anxious now that I'm in the post-peak phase of my cycle. I'm also being constantly reminded of my infertility.

On Saturday we attended the first Christmas party of the season. We were the only married couple that was childless. Thankfully there was only one pg woman there and no little babies.

Little babies are always the worst.

I also had a new haircut and an apparent weight-loss that all of Mr. JB's relatives commented on (I missed last year's party because I was horribly sick). So many of Mr. JB's aunts said how great I looked and refrained from making comments about how having disease cut out of one's body is a great way to lose weight!

For the first time I didn't get down on the ground to play with the little kids. I just couldn't handle being the fun barren auntie. It also didn't help that Mr. JB's cousin's wife is the one that doesn't like me (she's the one that fed me burnt hot dogs at her son's baptism and had the audacity to make Mr. JB apologize for her mistake). At one point in the evening my rice crackers went missing and I almost lost it!

So today we took the day off to go to a couple of doctor's appointments. We visited the infectious disease doctor first. He got the official report from the ultrasound place in the city and I was discharged from his care. It was great to hear from a second person that the abscess is gone! He also said that he can't imagine the abscess coming back and that he expects me to be in fine health now that everything has resolved.

I actually danced in the hallway as we left. It's safe to say that I have never danced while leaving a doctor's office!

Our second appointment of the day was at our Napro doctor's office. Although she's a wonderful doctor we always have to wait a long time to see her. She has walk-in hours in the morning and then she has appointments in the afternoon. Although our appointment time was at 12:30pm we didn't see her until 1:30! I was disappointed because we wanted to check out a really good outlet mall in that part of the city and we couldn't because I had to get back for a meeting at 4pm.

Dr. T only had good things to tell us. The only worrisome piece of news was that my FSH level was a little on the high side. My theory was that it was a 10 because my ovaries weren't responding as well since I was on L.upron for almost six months. I was also pretty stressed out about my period coming! The last time my FSH tested high was when I was battling with an annoying parent (which I totally forgot until Mr. JB reminded me).

Dr. T also told us that I don't have to use the mucus enhancers since my CM was so good so far! I'm so glad that I have one less medication that I have to take!

So this is the game plan:

- continue with the vaginal progesterone (which is making me SOOO tired!) until Peak +12
- get my Peak +7 blood drawn tomorrow
- call Dr. T's office on Thursday to see if I should start F.emara for my next cycle based on my Peak +7 bloodwork
- continue with the L.ow D.ose N.altrexone
- and as Dr. I said, "Try really hard."

I wish that I felt more hopeful. Right now my boobs hurt, I'm exhausted and I'm grumpy. Could be PMS or not. I know that I'm only Peak +6 today so I can't predict anything.

One last thing: I attended a T.wilight Re.treat for my family of schools. At one point in the evening we went outside and some reflections were read and ALL of them dealt with infertility! Hanna, Elizabeth and Sarah were all mentioned! I know that there are no coincidences. I'm convinced that someone was trying to get through to me!!

p.s. Could you please pray for my father-in-law? His doctor has found some spots on his prostate and he has to have radiation. He's so calm about it, but I don't know if it's an act or if he's genuinely not worried. I'm trying not to freak out, but it's tough. He's a wonderful man and has raised two equally wonderful men.

Dear Fertile Friend...

Dear Fertile Friend,

First off, I'd like to wish you a very happy birthday! I hope that your hubby and daughter are doing something really fun!

I know that we've been out of touch in the past little while. Life has been so busy for the both of us, I'm sure. I can't believe that M is already is senior kindergarten! Where did time go? 

So my mom told me the great news! How exciting that you're pregnant again! I was even more surprised because the last time we spoke you were already pregnant. Can I ask why you didn't mention it to me? Just because I've been trying to start my family for the past four and a half years doesn't mean that I can't be happy for you. Now that I've had all of the endometriosis removed we're actually quite hopeful of our chances. 

I hope that this message finds you well.

Happy birthday again!

Love, 

JellyBelly

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Don't worry, I'm not sending this message. I would like to, but I won't.  It would totally go against my thinking positively experiment, right?

I will send an e-mail. Sometime today. 

The question is, how will she respond? 

Why do fertile friends do this? 

TMI!!!

I apologize in advance for this post, but then again I think that the IF blogging community can forgive me.

I'm still rejoicing in the fact that I'm abscess free and that the ultrasound tech gave me proof of ovulation (without ovulation-inducing drugs, then again ovulation hasn't been a problem, it was my messed up anatomy that was the issue!). So ever since this past Saturday I've had an excess of CM. 

More than I've ever seen before.

And no, I'm not on any mucus enhancers (although I have some in the cupboard waiting for next month). 

So this is my question (FJIEF & TCIE as practitioners I'm sure you can help!): If I ovulated on day 14 (which was last Thursday) why am I still getting peak-type mucus? We did use CD1 and CD17 and I'm assuming that today is Peak +1 since all I've had since I got up was 10SL. 

Pre-surgery I NEVER had this much fertile CM! I did have lots of 10SL (slippery, shiny) days. I also finally got to use some green stickers! 

Help? Advice? Assvice? 

What is going on with my body????  

New Attitude

I got my hair cut REALLY short yesterday. For those of you that have met me IRL I had quite long hair up until last July. It has gotten progressively shorter with every passing hair cut and yesterday I gave my hair dresser carte blanche. He was so excited to give me this hair cut! Apparently the night before he watched A.eon F.lux and the character that Cha.rlize The.ron played had a very similar hair style. He also told me that when he first met me three years ago that he wanted to give me a similar cut but I wasn't ready. It will be interesting to see how a short hair style and a Canadian winter will mix, but I have a vast scarf collection to protect my neck!

So I was flying solo this weekend. Mr. JB was visiting his brother in M.ontreal with his best friend. We've had quite a busy fall so I was looking forward to having some time to myself. I'm so glad that we had good news this past week because I didn't want to spend my weekend alone being all sad and mopey.

Friday night I went to our parish to play trivia. We have a local food bank/outreach centre that our parish supports and one of the fundraising things we do is have a monthly trivia match. Our pastor is usually on my team but he joined the game late so I was on the same team as our associate pastor. We had a great time and came in second. I was so flattered that Fr. S said that he was sad that I didn't play with him! Mr. JB was so proud that I knew what age G.ordie H.owe retired at 52. Good thing that I pay attention to hockey trivia around our house!

I ended up sleeping in Saturday morning. It was almost 10am when I got up! I guess I needed the sleep 'cos I slept like the dead. I'm trying really hard not to get sick before Christmas. After my trip to the salon I went grocery shopping at my favourite organic grocery store. I spent so much money on so few items, but none of it is going to waste. I made a yummy stew in our crock pot (with organic beef) and a delicious fennel and beet salad. After grocery shopping I checked out my favourite craft show in the city. I had a great time looking around and buying a few Christmas presents. I was really good and I only bought two hair clips for myself. I figure with a new hair style that I deserved something cute!

I don't know if I'm giving off positive energy, but a whole bunch of cool things have happened to me since Thursday. When I parked my car near the salon yesterday I went to pay for my spot and a lady gave me her ticket that hadn't expired yet. I didn't have to pay anything to park! Then as I walked to the salon I stopped to look at some sweaters outside a little shop and a guy walking by said that the sweater I was looking at would look good on me (he wasn't being creepy or flirty, he was just being nice). Then at the salon I got a whole bunch of compliments for this funny pickle pin (FJIEJ I got it at the H.einz store in G.rove C.ity!) that I wear on my down vest. I've also noticed that everyone around me is being so nice to me!

For the first time since my first surgery in April I finally feel like I have my mojo back. I have energy to do things around my house again. I made dinner, cleaned up the kitchen, did all of the laundry AND hand washing all by myself! It isn't something that I would've thought a big deal, but I haven't had the gumption to do much in so long. There are still quite a few projects that I have to tackle around the house, but I can actually picture myself completing in the near future. I'm glad that my energy is returning at such busy time. Next weekend marks the start of the official Christmas visiting season for us. We have a big family Christmas party with Mr. JB's family next Saturday and my in-laws and BIL will be staying with us. I have to get the guest room livable before they get here.

I think that it's fitting that today is the start of Advent. I feel hopeful for the first time in a very long time. I also have so much to be thankful for. I have spent so many months feeling sick and sad. I know now that my negative attitude was contributing to an already bad situation. I have no idea how long I can keep feeling positive. I'm trying to imagine that if I do get a BFN at the end of this cycle that I would be okay. I'd also like to imagine that next weekend when faced with a room full of babies, kids and a pregnant woman that I will be okay.

We finally have a fighting chance to get pg. It's like starting over. I have to stop worrying about being four years older than I was when we started. We were put on this journey for a reason. Perhaps if we had kids right away that our marriage wouldn't be as solid as it is today. I also know that we would've had a lot more money issues if I had gotten pg right after we got married.
We wouldn't have gone on all of the trips that we've gone on. I probably wouldn't get teaching grade one if we had kids right away.

I never thought that I would say this but a big part of me is thankful for my infertility. I don't know if we will have our own biological children, but I know now that I'm healthy. I no longer have endometriosis causing horrible cramps and strange bleeding. I also have a wonderful team of doctors that are finally taking proper care of me. And most of all, I have met all of you. Two years ago when I started this blog I felt so alone, but now I have a whole sisterhood of women that I can turn to for support. And for all of you I will be forever grateful.

Testing *Updated with GOOD news!

No, not POAS!

I have another ultrasound this afternoon. I have no idea if the abscess is smaller or not. I believe that it is, but who knows.

I see my surgeon after the u/s with the results (that I peeked at the last time!).

I'm thinking positively. I'm imagining that the abscess is smaller. I'm imagining that I will be able to stop the antibiotics.

I'll update this evening.

Let's hope and pray that I will have good news to share.

p.s. Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American friends!!!!!

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I'm still shaking from the news.

I'm abscess free.

Praise God, Mary, Jesus and all of the saints and angels in heaven!!!!

I started to freak out when the technician was doing my scan because she said that she found cysts.

I had cysts before my laparotomy. They were removed with all of the other endo, fibroids and adhesions.

I spent a good 20 minutes freaking out. Silently, but freaking out nevertheless.

The ultrasound place is just a few doors up from my surgeon so as soon as I got the report from the technician I booted it up the street.

I was close to tears but I was trying to hold it in because I didn't think that the people of T.oronto needed to see me crying.

So I got to the office and I was the third or fourth patient in line and Dr. I waved me in. I was confused since I was so obviously queue jumping but he said, "You're my last patient, come in. Give me your health card and I'll get your chart."

By this point my head was spinning. He couldn't find my chart (not a surprise since his office is a organizational disaster!) but he said that it was okay and opened up the report I had.

He asked me when my period had started and how I was feeling. I told him November 13th and that I was feeling good but I was concerned about the abscess and that the tech had mentioned cysts.

He read over the report again and said, "The hemorrhagic cyst just shows that you just ovulated. You're on day 14, right?" I checked my chart and 'lo and behold I am!

Then he said, "The abscess is gone. Look here," and he pointed to the report, "the technician didn't see it."

I almost started to cry a second time, but this time tears of relief.

Then Dr. I said, "Promise me now that you're going to try really hard." Meaning, TTC I'm assuming.

And then I asked him when I would see him next and he said three months if we weren't pregnant yet.

I almost ran back to my car which was quite a feat since I was on the seventh floor of a parking garage. I got Mr. JB on the phone and just started to bawl. I tried to call my fertile best friend but she was no where to be found, I tried calling Sew but she wasn't available and so I called My Reality 'cos I remembered that she was home. (Thanks Reality! I'm so glad that you were around!!! I really needed a live human that understands what I'm going through!).

And the luck continues: the traffic wasn't too bad and I had time to get a celebratory S.tarbucks, go to the pharmacy to drop off my vaginal progesterone prescription, and change for yoga at home!

I'm thinking that my "project think positive" is working!!!!

I know that I'm not American, but I'm incredibly thankful right now that I wish that I had a turkey dinner in front of me!!!!

WOOHOO!!!!

Mini-rant

Still thinking positively, but it's been hard.

Just wanted to say that organizing a bunch of teachers for a Christmas party is a thankless job. 

Not only do I work for a bunch of really boring people, but they're also cheap. 

That's all.

Gotta teach math now.

Taking a breath

I really should be correcting my report cards. They're sitting right in front of me, but blogging is so much more rewarding.

I'm going to try an experiment. 

I have no idea if it is going to work, but I need to try.

I'm going to think positively. 

That's it. 

I have too many negative people around me. Instead of commiserating with them I will try to reroute the conversation to something more positive or I will try to get out of it (I'm pretty good at being passive-aggressive). 

I am also going to try and focus on what I have, not what I don't. 

Let's see:

- I have a job that I love and am well-compensated for

- I have a lovely home 

- I have a loving, supportive husband,

- I have many supportive friends

- I am mostly healthy

That's a start. 

I can see what a negative attitude can do to a person (i.e. my new teaching partner who's attitude is that EVERYTHING is horrible and that everyone is out to get her). I do not want to be that person.

Let's see how long this lasts.

p.s. Please pray for my friend's mom. She was just diagnosed with cancer and the prognosis doesn't look good. She's going to see a top-notch specialist in the city in the next week or so. This news has come completely out of the blue and the family are quite devastated. 

There is no f&*^ing justice

Honest to God, there isn't any justice.

At all.

I just got off the phone with my mom, who has no clue how to navigate around my infertility. She told me that my oldest friend (who was my matron of honour) is pregnant.

She told me that under no circumstances that her husband didn't want any more children. She also said that she didn't want anymore as well.

They couldn't afford another child (they have a HUGE house in the suburbs that is barely furnished because they don't have the money).

So she got an IUD. I tried to talk her out of it, but she felt that it was the only way for her to make sure that she didn't have any more children. I think that she was afraid that her husband would leave her if she got pregnant again, despite wanting more herself.

Have I also mentioned that her marriage has had quite a few bumps. They got married at city hall and when my friend wanted to have a church wedding her husband left her. Obviously they patched things up, but I know that there have been many disagreements. Although their daughter was baptised, their marriage hasn't been blessed.

So apparently her daughter (who is also my goddaughter) was pestering her for a little brother or sister, and lo and behold she gets pregnant.

I just feel so horrible.

Not only has she not called me to tell me, my mother went on and on about how you could see that she was pregnant and that it was time for them to have a second baby.

I'm fed up.

I'm tired of feeling jealous.

My infertility has completely exhausted me.

I feel like I haven't felt real joy in so long.

I wish that I could blame all of this on a lack of hormones.

My whole body feels heavy.

We're going to see the S.ound of M.usic tonight and I was so excited. Now all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry.

I'm so done. So absolutely done.

p.s. I also found out that one of my old colleagues is pregnant with her second. I'm so glad that I left that staff. I can't handle seeing baby bumps at all.

Thoughts on vocation

I was one of those forever students. 

I did my B.A.

Then my Honours.

Then my M.A.

And then finally my B. Ed. 

I would love to finish off my Ph. D (which I started, but abandoned for my Education degree, that's another long story) or even start another M.A., but my student loans are even close to being paid off and I'd really like to move and get a nicer car one day in my future. 

One of the reasons why I did so much school was because I just didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. 

I toyed with the idea of being a journalist, an academic, a writer but none of them stuck. 

Teaching was the first thing that I did that felt right. 

The first class I taught was to some first year students. I felt like the clouds opened and that the angels started singing. I knew at that moment that I was meant to be a teacher.

Now I'm thinking because I feel so much love for this class, that perhaps that is all I'm meant to do.

Teach and love other peoples' children.

Perhaps that is what God and the universe is trying to teach me.

I don't know what kind of mother I would be if I had to teach full time. 

I don't know what kind of teacher I would be if I was a mother.

I invest so much time and energy into my work. I love (almost) every minute of it. I don't think I could put in the same effort if I had a family of my own.

Am I thinking this way because we will soon be TTC again? Am I trying to protect my heart from all of the heartache that preceded my drug-induced break? 

What I do know is that I'm scared. I also know that my heart and my head can't take much more disappointment. 

I do know that if given the chance I would give my career up in a second, with no regrets, no looking back. 

I want to have that choice. 

I really do. 

Overwhelmed

I don't usually get overwhelmed.

I'm a really good task manager, but with the arrival of AF, report cards and trying desperately to re-teach things to children that were absent (yes, my class got hit with H1N1) I haven't had the time to take a breath. 

My report cards are due on Monday and I haven't even finished teaching one of my math units. 

"But JellyBelly, you teach grade one, it should be easy to assess grade ones, right?"

Yes and no. 

The community I teach in is very involved with their children's education and I need empirical proof as to why I gave them the mark on their report card. In my teacher mind I know what they deserve, but I need a rubric to prove it.

Argh.

It also doesn't help that my cramps have been really bad the past couple of days and I've had to pump myself full of extra strength A.dvil. The cramps even woke me up at 4am!

It gets better right? 

I'm feeling most of the cramping on my right side and in my pelvis. Not surprising since my right side had so many adhesions and there's my friend the abscess in my posterior cul de sac.

I need a vacation. Or at least a mental health day.

Who would've thought that I would be looking forward to taking next Thursday off for an ultrasound????

A familiar feeling

So I have cramps.

Not the debilitating have to lie in bed with my heating pad, but cramps nonetheless. I've taken some A.dvil and it's taken the edge off, and it was half my usual, pre-surgery dose. I haven't had to drug myself every four to six hours.

Completely unheard of in my history of period pain management.

I guess that I expected some sort of cramping since my ladyparts have been in deep slumber for six months. It was quite unrealistic that I would get my period and feel absolutely nothing. Right?

It also doesn't help that I have a yeast infection and I have to wear a pad.

Sorry, TMI.

So all of you endo surgery survivors, how did your first period feel post-surgery? Does it get better?

Btw, we're jumping back on the TTC train. I'm getting my FSH levels checked tomorrow since my day three fell on a Sunday and our lab was closed. I'm hoping the eggies are doing okay, they've had a good long rest so hopefully they cooperate!

Hello old friend....

She's here.

Well, at least I saw dark brown this morning.

Definitely deserves a sticker on my chart (yes, TCIE & FJIEF I am officially back to charting!!!).

I hooted when I went to the bathroom this morning.

My noisy new neighbours must think I'm nuts, but who cares?

No cramps, although I took some A.dvil this morning as soon as I saw that my period was starting.

I don't remember ever being cramp-free.

Ever.

Btw, I've been feeling so down because I had convinced myself that I had Premature Ovarian Failure and that I had no more eggs and that I was definitely barren. I didn't blog about it because I felt a little crazy. So I'm feeling so much relief.

Today I was at an all day religious business-related meeting. I sang in the choir (which is one of my favourite things to do). As I sat listening to the mass the light was shining through the stained glass windows and I knew it was a sign. I've been asking for a sign from above for a LONG time.

My hope is renewed.

It isn't a coincidence that my meeting was today and that my period started on the same day. It wasn't just another Friday.

Now I can't wait to see what it's going to be like.

Will I have pain? Will I be able to function? Will I need my heating pad for the next week?

Who would have thought that after all these years of infertility that I would be so excited about getting my period!

Irony of ironies, eh?

p.s. Thanks for all of your encouragement in the recent past. I wouldn't have been able to get through the last little while without all of you!

I had a feeling.....

I felt it in my bones this morning.

I'm having a crap day.

I'm stressed because of report cards.

I'm stressed because my teaching partner is stressed out.

I'm stressed because I have to be away tomorrow at a workshop and I have a TON to do with my class to get ready for reports.

I'm also stressed because my best friend (yes the pg one) had H1N1 two weeks ago and she's going ahead with her daughter's birthday this weekend. 

I'm almost wishing that I don't feel well so I can have an excuse to miss it. 

I have to get back to work. My class is watching a movie so I can work on reports not blog! 

Disclaimer

I'm heading into a crazy busy part of the term. I'm trying to mark like a madwoman, catch kids up since so many are away, and start my report cards PLUS recover/cope with the strange virus/abscess that I've been dealing with.

Perhaps a little break from blogland will be good for my head. I've been feeling really low and I have a real bad case of the feel-me-sorries.

Btw, in all things TTC:

- I think that I have a yeast infection, but I still have a month to go on my super-strong antibiotics, I think that I'm going to wait on taking the D.iflucan until the end of the meds
- I had a few dry days (green stickers if I was charting), but I'm back to seeing cloudy CM
- my boobs are a little sore and I'm super cold (which are both commom symptoms of AF's impending arrival)
- the veins in my hands are really dark blue/purple, they get darker as AF gets closer
- my head is all foggy which definitely a PMS symptom, I'm usually really on the ball
- I needed falafel so badly after school that I went out of my way to the organic grocery store, they didn't have any but I got some vegan, gluten-free shortbread

I better go. I have a ton to mark and I'm already falling asleep and it's not even 8pm here!

Are you freaking serious???? Part 2

Just got two more pg announcements.

One on F.aceboo.k.

And a close friend e-mailed Mr. JB that his wife is also expecting. I don't feel as bad for them because they had a few miscarriages before they had their son.

That makes FOUR people in my inner circle that are pg.

1) My best friend
2) Mr. JB's best friend's wife
3) A close friend from university (who was married TWO years after us)
4) Close friend who dealt with IF before having her son

I'm still feeling sickly. I don't think I have a fever, but I'm all achy and exhausted.

When is it going to be my turn??? I'm tired of being the infertile.

Really, really tired.

Are you freaking serious????

Mr. JB just told me that his best friend's wife is pg.

With their second.

Btw, they got married a year after us.

I also feel pretty gross. I have a low-grade fever, yet again, but at least I don't have the pain from yesterday. I should buy stock in A.dvil.

I'm tired of feeling sick.

I'm tired of being childless.

I'm tired of waiting for AF.

Can I please get a break???????

Prayers please! *Updated

I've been in some pretty intense pain on my lower right side. I think that I ate something that disagreed with earlier today and I've taken A.dvil. It's not as bad as it was when Mr. JB took me to the hospital, but it is pretty bad. I can't even eat because the pain is so bad.

I really don't want to go back to the hospital. I really don't want to miss work tomorrow.

I just want a normal life. I hate always being in pain.

Argh.

-------------------------------------------------------

I took some A.dvil and T.ylenol at about 9pm and promptly feel asleep. When I woke up as the Y.ankees won the W.orld S.eries the pain was gone.

The pain was definitely digestion-related. Now I have to figure out what I ate to cause so much discomfort...

Thanks for all of your prayers! I don't know what I would do without all of you!

Yoga Retreating and Real Life

I'm still alive. 

I wasn't kidnapped by some chanting yogis last weekend, nor did I run away to an ashram to deepen my practice (although I have considered doing so in the past).

The weekend was amazing. It was exactly what I needed. I got to be quiet, reflective and spend time in nature. The fall, although colder, is such a beautiful time of year. I love watching the leaves change. 

The best part of my weekend was that I didn't have to be "Infertile JellyBelly" all weekend long. We talked about our lives, our work, our yoga practice, and most of all food. The food at the retreat was phenomenal! I was more than a little sceptical since I do love to eat meat, but the vegetarian dishes that were prepared for us inspired me to cook! I even bought the cookbook and I can't wait until the weekend so I can pick up the ingredients to some of the dishes that we ate! 

It's been a long time since my body felt strong and healthy. I did take it easy, but I did partake in two hour long hikes in pretty hilly terrain. I also took one nap, but that's to be understood. 

My favourite part of the weekend was Sunday morning. I got up early and I got to practice while the sun was rising. I spent quite a bit of time just sitting on my mat and feeling the sun on my face. I could almost feel the sadness and frustration of the past few months melt away. 

I'm still waking up with a low grade fever and I'm still feeling achy. I've been taking so much A.dvil that I'm glad that I buy it at C.ostco! I really hope that these antibiotics kick in soon. I'm also pretty out of whack because of the time change. One would think that one little hour would be nothing, unfortunately my internal clock is super sensitive.

I wish I could take a nap, but I would have 22 little people who wouldn't be so happy about that! 

Finding my namaste

First off, I apologize that I've been a bad blog commenter as of late. Between the infectious abscess and feeling like crap, my class has been totally koo-koo bananas because of Hallowe'en. Oh yeah, there's also the biggest reason:

PMS

Yup, it's back with a vengeance. I'm feeling completely irrational and I just want to strangle anyone and everyone. I'm bloated, all I want to eat is chocolate and I've been swearing like a sailor! It's been going on for almost four days and I'm ready for it to stop. I haven't been charting at all, but I'm almost certain that I'm going to get my period this weekend. Or at least, I really hope that I get it this weekend.

Please God. Please bring my period soon. If doesn't come in the near future there will be carnage.

Speaking of this weekend, I'm going on a yoga retreat! I'm so excited! My favourite teacher helped organize the weekend and I am looking forward to seeing all of the beautiful fall colours. The food is going to be all vegetarian and apparently it is absolutely delicious. One of the owners of the retreat centre has even published a cookbook! I need this weekend to clear my head. There's been so much going on for me health-wise that I need to get away and decompress.

I hope that I survive all of the Hallowe'en festivities at school tomorrow. We're having a dance-a-thon, free hot dogs for all of the students and then my teacher partner and I planned a whole day of activities. I really hope that the kids aren't too crazy tomorrow.

I won't have access to the internet for the weekend, so I'll see you all on Sunday!

Cute story

Thank God for antibiotics! I am feeling so much better and the pain has already started to subside. Alleluia!!!!

So today I had my rosary group in my classroom because I had some kids who had to finish off some work. I had the rosary kids sitting in front of my rocking chair since it's the biggest space in my class to sit. As we were praying I noticed that the little boy that was sitting closest to the group was mouthing the prayers and he knew each and every one! I couldn't take my eyes off of him! I was pretty impressed that this tiny grade one boy knew the Apostle's Creed off by heart! Most of the kids in the club have to use the cheat sheet that I gave them and this little thing didn't even need it!

Gotta go, we just got a W.ii and Mr. JB wants to bowl. I can foresee many wasted nights around here!

It isn't so bad, right?

That's what I thought as I left my Napro doctor's office.

When I made the appointment for the end of October I assumed that I would have more things to discuss with her, but since I haven't gotten my period yet all we talked about was my abscess.

Perhaps I should name it. Ideas anyone?

Anyhow, I told her what the ID doctor told me earlier in the day and she agrees with him and my surgeon that draining it would be a bad idea. Her eyes also went really big when she saw which antibiotics were prescribed for me. Did I mention that 42 days of antibiotics cost us $315.92? Praise Jesus for our drug plan! What would I do if we didn't have insurance coverage for all of the drugs I need? There must be a HUGE red flag on my file at H.ealth Ca.nada!

While I was talking to my doctor I made a comment about my hormones being all messed up and Dr. T said, "Well JellyBelly, your hormones weren't that bad. Now that your anatomy has been fixed, everything should work out." Or something to that effect. I've never heard anyone tell me that my ladyparts weren't anything but diseased and broken! Is it possible that things aren't that bad now that all of the endo has been removed? Dr. T also thinks that the abscess isn't going to have effect on my fertility since it is underneath all of my necessary babymaking parts. Phew!

So this is the plan of action once Aunt Flo finally shows up:

1) Get my day 3 FSH level checked.
2) Peak +7 blood work.
3) Progesterone vaginally from Peak +3 to Peak +12

We're not allowed to actually TTC until I'm off of the antibiotics. Dr. T said that there have been different studies that show that A.velox is safe during pregnancy and others that say it isn't. Since I seem to be a magnet for strange, out of the norm situations, I wouldn't want to chance it. Although I could do some of my own research and call M.other.isk to see what they think

Dr. T also said that when we are actively trying again that she would like to put me back on C.lomid or perhaps F.emara. I'm a little hesitant about going back on the C.lomid since it caused so much pain when I was on it. Now that the endo has all been removed perhaps I wouldn't have the same reaction as I did before, but the doctor assured me that it would a low dose of C.lomid for only three days.

So back to a holding pattern. My body needs to heal from this horrible abscess. The pain has been pretty bad today and I've been confined to the couch with a heating pad on my pelvis. I just hope that the antibiotics will work their magic ASAP. The ID doctor said that within a week I would start feeling normal.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with more waiting. You'd think that I'd be good at this by now!!!

p.s. I have been PMSing so badly today. Mr. JB asked me to stop yelling at him more than once today. He is 100% certain that my period is coming soon!

The Tale of the Persistent Abscess

We just got back from the infectious disease doctor. When I was in the hospital I felt a little strange having such a scary sounding doctor taking care of me.

I do not feel like that anymore.

Since my appointment with my surgeon last week I've been overcome with worry. I know that he has a completely different specialty than the doctor that I saw this morning, so his take on an abscess would be a little different. The pain and discomfort that I've been feeling has gotten progressively worse -- don't worry, the pain isn't as bad as it was when I was hospitalized, but I do have to take A.dvil or T.ylenol in order to function. The other thing is that I've had a low-grade fever off and on since last Wednesday. I feel sick in the morning and then the fever breaks and I can go on with my day.

Strange, I know.

We even did a little mini-vacation in the city with Mr. JB's high school friends. The girls went to the spa and then we went out for a really nice dinner (that I think we overpaid for since I didn't eat or drink as much as everyone else, I hate evenly splitting the bill!!). I didn't start to feel crummy until we left for home.

Right now I feel all achy and I have a heating pad on my pelvic area for some pain relief.

Argh.

So the ID doctor has put me back on antibiotics for the next 42 days. What a bizarre number! Then he wants to see me after I see my surgeon. I asked about draining it, but he thought that it was too risky and since I responded so well to the meds the first time that it wasn't necessary. I'm glad that all of the doctors that are taking care of me are so thorough, but all of these appointments are driving me a little crazy!

I see my Napro doctor this afternoon. I'll update later when I get the low-down from her.

p.s. I've had a ton of CM the past couple of days. It's been 10CL (stretchy, cloudy). I think that AF is just around the corner!

Wishful thinking

I am not abscess free, although it's smaller than it was when I was in the hospital.

I finished my antibiotics last Friday and ever since I've been feeling strangeness in my pelvis. I guess I should be relieved since all of the discomfort is because of the thing I'm growing in my posterior cul de sac.

Yay!

So the ultrasound clinic that my surgeon sent me to was pretty high tech. I got to watch my internal u/s on a flat screen and I got to ask the technician all kinds of questions. As soon as she did the internal (I believe that the right term is trans-vaginal -- is that right TCIE?) I could see the abscess quite clearly. I could also feel it while she was probing me -- the discomfort was a clear sign that there is something amiss.

The abscess currently measures about 4.3 x 3 x 2 cm, it used to be 8 x 3 x 2 cm, which explains the decreased pain, but the persistent discomfort.

I was pretty worried by the time I got to my surgeon's office. Thankfully the wait wasn't too long and I had the results of the ultrasound in my hand (btw, they never received the cat scan results, WTF?). He's confident that the abscess is going to resolve itself and that a good bowel movement or intercourse is going to cause it to burst.

Can I tell you how happy Mr. JB is about the first solution????

I will have to see what the infectious disease doctor says on Monday. I am almost certain that he is going to want to drain it. I just don't understand how the stupid abscess has resisited a month-long course of VERY strong antibiotics and all of the activity in between.

I do feel pressure in my bum and I'm getting sharp, but quick pangs of pain. I really hope and pray that it doesn't get larger. I don't want to be re-admitted to the hospital and I definitely don't want IV antibiotics again!

I have another ultrasound and doctor's appointment booked for November 26th. I really hope that AF makes her appearance by then as well!

Btw, I don't know if it's all of the preventative measures that I've taken, but I haven't gotten a yeast infection since finishing my antibiotics. I guess all of the yogurt and acidophilis has worked!

p.s. I've been fever-free most of the day. My temperature was 37.13C this morning, but as soon as I got to school I broke out into a sweat and then I started to feel normal again. We have really fun plans this weekend so I really hope that the illness stays away!!!!

p.p.s. My incision hurts when it's about it rain. I now have a weather vane built into my body. Great.

Uh oh

I'm running a bit of a fever.

I had a staff meeting after school and as soon as I got back to my classroom I started to feel crummy.

When I got home I took my temperature (it was about 37C) and then took a two hour nap. Mr. JB fed me some soup before I fell asleep.

When I woke up at 9pm I checked again and my temp was up to 38.13 (yes, I'm using a basal body thermometer, it's pink).

So I took some T.ylenol and I'm crossing my fingers. I have my ultrasound appointment tomorrow afternoon and then I see my surgeon right after. Let's hope that it's just a bug I picked up at school and nothing abscess-related.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I had the saddest thing happen today at school. After last recess all of the kids told me that one of the kids was with the principal.

Which is NEVER a good thing.

When he came back to the classroom I took him to the hallway to find out what happened. He started to cry and wasn't able to tell me what had happened. That's when the principal showed up.

Apparently he was caught making fun of one of the special needs kids who has Down syndrome. I know that the principal was laying it on thick to make the kid feel bad, so he told him that the student that he was making fun of was one of his best friends.

That's when I started to cry.

I was so disappointed. The kid that got in trouble is usually so well behaved and is so smart. I couldn't believe that he would take advantage of a child that can't defend herself.

I sent the kid back into the class and the rest of the kids saw that I was crying. I know that I tried to make the kid feel bad by saying how much my heart hurt. I wrote a note in his agenda and then at the end of the day I marched him out to talk to his mom.

And this is what his mother said to me:

"Mme JellyBelly he didn't know what he was doing. He's never seen children like that before."

I couldn't believe my ears.

Then I told her that making fun of anyone was also unacceptable and she still continued to defend her child's actions.

Thank God the principal was outside. I called him over and he told the mother exactly what happened. He also said that her son needed a good talking to and that we didn't make fun of special needs students, especially since we're a Catholic school.

I was even more livid that the mother condoned her son's behaviour.

I remember a time that when the teacher talked to a parent the kid was in the wrong, particularly when the principal backed what the teacher was saying. What an irresponsible parent!

I just hope that the kid doesn't do anything like that again, because if there's a next time I won't be crying, I'll be yelling.

p.s. Mr. JB found out that a colleague of his is pregnant, again. This time it wasn't on purpose. This couple got married a month after us and already have two little boys.

I wish I could have an accident like that. :(

Giving In

Okay girls, it's officially fall.

I removed my toe nail polish.

What a sad, sad night.

I've been wearing socks for a few weeks now and since I wore a winter jacket (albeit a lighter one) all last week, I just couldn't justify looking at my chipped toe nail polish.

Mr. JB also brought up the humidifier. Yet another sign that we are preparing for winter.

I am so glad that we're going to Arizona for March Break. I think that it's going to be a pretty crummy winter around here, especially since we didn't have very summery weather. I think we only ran our a/c for three weeks in total.

I know that I'm complaining, but trust me, I love being Canadian. I love wearing layers and winter is my favourite season. It really is. I think that my biggest challenge is going to have to suffer through winter with short hair. I may have to wear TWO scarves to keep my neck warm!

Speaking of colds, mine seems to have abated quite a bit. I think that resting all day yesterday and taking every possible thing that I could for it helped. The kids noticed that my nose was stuffy, but most of them are sick right now so I fit right in.

My reading groups worked like clockwork today. I couldn't believe how quiet the class was while I was reading with my small groups. Only one kid put up her hand and when I asked a kid in her group to explain to her why I couldn't answer her question she went back to work. She's cute, but a total airhead!

No sign of AF. I have just a bit of CM, but nothing like I saw last week (when I had one day of clear, stretchy CM). I thought that my boobs were feeling tender, but that's stopped as well. I'm still having hot flashes and I'm craving chocolate like a FIEND!

I have an ultrasound on Thursday afternoon then I see my surgeon. I'm assuming that he's going to get the results sent directly to his office so he can tell me whether or not the abscess has resolved. Since finishing my antibiotics on Friday I've started feeling the same raw feeling when I urinate, although not every time I go to the bathroom and only when my bladder is really full. I have no idea what that means.

I've been feeling some pains in my stomach, but I think it's because I've been a little more adventurous with my eating as of late. I bought some gluten-free date squares on Saturday, but they weren't dairy-free. I wolfed one down in the car and it was so delicious. I forgot how good butter makes everything taste!!!

Occupational Hazard

I'm sick.

Don't worry, I'm not in the "having to go to the hospital" sick. I have a cold and I think that I can pinpoint exactly when the virus entered my body.

I'm actually surprised that it took this long to catch cold!

I also think that it's pretty ironic that I finished my month-long course of antibiotics on Friday and I woke up with a sore throat on Saturday morning.

Argh.

I've been taking every homeopathic remedy that I have in my house. Luckily enough I still have a whole bunch of stuff left over from the three-month long cold that I had last year.

So I'm going to slather myself in V.icks V.apo.R.ub and take some more vitamin C and hope that this cold passes quickly. I can't afford to take any more time off after my stint in the hospital AND I'm starting my guided reading groups tomorrow. Have I mentioned how smart my class is? I have four kids that are already reading at grade two level! One kid already reads chapter books! Woohoo!

Thank God that tissues were on sale at the drug store I have a feeling that I'm going to go through quite a few this week...

p.s. My fertile best friend is having a boy. They told us yesterday when they were over for dinner. For some reason I'm not insanely jealous. However, if they were having another girl I would be green with envy.

Happy Birthday Mr. JB

So today Mr. JB turned 39. He's been super giddy all day and we just got home from dinner at our favourite place in the neighbourhood.

Although he knows about my blog, he's not allowed to read it. Regardless, I want to thank him for being such a great husband. He's remained positive and optimistic throughout the four years of non-babymaking. He's unselfishly taken care of me through my two surgeries. He's taken days off to tend to me. He doesn't complain when I go all crazy and frustrated.

I am a very lucky woman to have such a wonderful husband.

So, my darling, happy birthday. Enjoy those golf clubs (his dad and I went halfsies on them!) and I really hope that you become a daddy before you turn 40!

p.s. I think it's pretty ironic that I've been wishing for AF to show up when I've spent four years wishing for her not to show up!

Signs?

I saw 10KL (clear and stretchy) cervical mucous today. I was in the washroom in the staff room so I hope that no one heard my yelp of joy.

So I guess that it was ovulation pain that I felt yesterday. I'm pretty rusty on the Creighton charting, but I knew right away that it was 10KL. And it was only once today.

Okay Aunt Flo, I'm ready for you. Can you show up already?????

What was that?

I just felt some pain in my lower right side. Could it be ovulation? Or perhaps it's just my belly digesting the Thanksgiving leftovers we had for dinner.

I must sound like a broken record, but I can't help it.

AUNT FLO WHERE ARE YOU?????

p.s. I put away all of the sandals and summer clothes. Our furnace is on and I wore a winter coat (although it was a thin one) to school today. Although winter is my favourite season, I'm just not ready yet!

Thankfulness

I wish that I felt a little more thankful. We celebrated Thanksgiving this weekend and I am so glad that we had a long weekend, but other than that I'm feeling blah.

I've convinced myself that I'm suffering from PMS. I've been tired and irritable, both of which are classic PMS symptoms for me. I also devoured a ton of chocolate when we got home from Mr. JB's dad's place, which is definitely something very common for me when I'm anticipating Aunt Flo.

Our weekend was pretty quiet. Mr. JB's dad's girlfriend was with her family celebrating Thanksgiving so it was a stress-free weekend. I love spending time with my father and brother-in-law, especially when she's not around. We visited with one of Mr. JB's uncles and his family and one of the cousins moved my vest to see if I was growing a belly. I wanted to kick him, but I refrained. There were a couple of comments from his cousins, "So how long have you two been married?" "No kids yet?" The typical, nosy family stuff. I'm assuming that the gossip about my surgeries and my last hospital stay didn't make it to their side of the village.

Mr. JB and I stopped by a pumpkin patch to get some goodies for our house. It was tough to see the families and their little kids running around. We picked our pumpkins, I always want to get three for our front porch, and got out of there quickly.

I'm back to feeling numb. Perhaps the sadness will come back when my period comes back and we start TTC again. Or maybe not. I do have to say that I'm getting tired of spinning my wheels and waiting.

Aunt Flo where are you????

p.s. My brother-in-law made gluten-free stuffing and gravy for me and it was delicious! The best thing about Thanksgiving is the left-overs!

Ouchie

I've been feeling some strange pain in my pelvis. It isn't the same pain that I felt when Mr. JB rushed me to the hospital a few weeks ago. I'm pretty convinced that it isn't the same pain as I had with the abscess. I'm sore in the front part of the lower pelvis.

Perhaps it's my ladyparts waking up from their estrogen-deprived slumber. Perhaps it's just healing pain. I have no idea.

I shouldn't worry too much about it being abscess-related. The antibiotics that I'm taking should kill anything bad that's growing inside of me. The one thing that I got out of my wasted trip to my surgeon was that my meds are REALLY strong.

What I am noticing is that I have more cervical mucus and I'm also feeling like how I used to when I am about to get my period. I've been feeling so tired despite sleeping enough at night. I had to drag myself off of the couch so I could make dinner. I'm usually someone with quite a bit of gitty-up, if you know what I mean.

Am I premenstrual? Am I coming off of the L.upron? Any advice or opinions would be appreciated.

p.s. I took my car in for an oil change today and the mechanic checked my engine light (it's been on since the end of August). I also had some work that I deferred a couple of months ago because we just couldn't afford it. Today's price tag was $1500. Ouchie again!

A little confession

I went to dinner with my former colleagues on Friday night. One of the girls had her newborn with her and I couldn't even look at the baby. I had an even harder time pretending that all was well and that my friend, who decided after six years of marriage and constant assertions that she was too selfish to be a mom, got pregnant soon after she started TTC.

I guess that the bitterness that has been masked by all of my recent health issues is not too far from the surface.

Babies are hard to take, especially newborns. I don't have the same feelings around older kids.

Still praying for Aunt Flo to show up. I would really like her to arrive so we can get this show on the road!

Then again, we've been trying for four years and three months, what's another couple of weeks?

Right?

Where did September go?

I finally tackled the walk-in closet reorganization. I realize that I did have a pretty good excuse as to why it took almost a month to do, but the chaos in our closet was driving me nuts. I can't believe how many clothes I have to give away!

It took me a couple of days to stop being angry. Mr. JB has not seen me that upset in a very long time. I do wish that I could have gotten some good news from my doctor, but I guess I just have to trust my instincts. I have been feeling some strange pangs in my pelvis. It could be related to digestive issues -- I do have colitis -- or something related to my surgery. I have noticed that I do have more cervical mucous, but it isn't like it was pre-L.upron. I got my last dose of the lovely menopause-inducing drug on August 21st so my period can happen any time.

I feel like the girl in "Are you there God, it's me Margaret." I have never wanted my period to come so badly! I feel ready to get back on the TTC train. I want the drugs, the needles and the charting back! And yes, the end to hot flashes would be really great too!

My brain is slowly going to mush. I have to go to bed.

Livid

I've been trying to cool off for the past couple of hours. I don't know whether to cry or punch someone out.

So today was a half day for the kids. I conveniently scheduled my follow-up with my surgeon for this afternoon so I didn't have to call in a supply teacher. I left the school at 2pm so I could get to my appointment in the city at 3pm. Lucky for me there was no traffic and I made it to the office by 2:45. The wait was long (it always is), but I brought a good book to read. I was even happy to find a free chair in the waiting area.

That's when the goodness stopped.

When the doctor finally called me into his exam room he asked me if I had gotten my period. When I saw him in August that was the plan. I would make an appointment when I got my period. He seemed to have no recollection of the fact that I was hospitalized two weeks ago. I reminded him and asked if he had received a copy of my last cat scan, which he didn't. Now I thought that two weeks was long enough for the results of my last scan to make it to his office. In an era of fax machines and internet I didn't think that it would be so difficult.

Alas I was wrong.

I asked him if the abscess is going to affect my fertility, but he said that he wouldn't know until we started trying.

So basically I wasted my afternoon, missed my favourite yoga class and I have no idea if my abscess has resolved itself.

Craptastic.

Now if I didn't have to drive to the city and pay for parking and then get stuck in rush hour traffic perhaps I wouldn't be so pissed off.

I feel like I've been given the mother lode of bad luck lately. When I got into the car I just started getting angry at God. I just don't get it. I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of the hot flashes, the incision pain, the antibiotics and most of all infertility.

I have carried this cross for over four years. I hate it that I have to see so many doctors. I hate it that I have to be poked and prodded. I'm tired of taking blood tests and taking medications.

So I have to go for an ultrasound on the 22nd and then I see my surgeon right after. Then I see the infectious disease doctor and my Napro doctor on the 26th.

Was getting some sort of reassurance too much to ask?

Argh.

A Quickie

So I have an appointment with my surgeon tomorrow. I really hope that the last cat scan that I got last week is going to show that the abscess has resolved itself. I'm trying not to worry about the implications of having an infection in my ladyparts. I just need to hear that my fertility wasn't affected from my last health episode.

Okay, now I'm going to distract myself with the newest episode of G.lee. It's my new favourite show!

p.s. It's gotten so cold in the past couple of days that I'm wearing polar fleece, socks and flannel pyjamas! EEEK!

Listening

I just got home from getting a Thai yoga massage. One of my yoga friends is doing her training and she needed some guinea pigs and of course I signed up! The massage was at least an hour and a half and I was so relaxed at the end that I could've just slept on the mat until morning.

I've been having a really hard time with my body and the healing process. For some reason I expected to have my pre-surgery body back by the time I went back to school. I know that I pushed myself too hard and that I should've taken it easier. I know that I can't blame myself for the abscess and my last stint in the hospital, but it's obvious that I just need to chill out.

I wish that I could just bounce back and go back to doing level 2 yoga classes. At the back of my mind I'm worried that I'm going to get all flabby from the lack of exercise which I know that is completely irrational. I also have to stop giving my body deadlines. I have to stop thinking, "In October I'll be able to go back to my yoga practice." I should be taking advantage of the restorative yoga and yin classes that my studio offers.

I'm not good at being patient and the past four years of infertility have definitely made waiting that much harder.

I wish that it was easier to just take care of myself and rest. If only my mind had a pause button....

Wiped Out

Mentally I'm doing better. Thanks to all of you for your support and prayers. Although going back to work has me in an exhausted state, I'm so glad that I'm back in the land of the living. When my class saw me on Tuesday morning they started to jump up and down. They were so excited to see me. I told them that I cried every day when I was in the hospital because I missed them so much, but I don't know if their 6 year old brains could process that.

Tuesday was a really long day because we had our Open House and Barbecue. All of the parents in my class came, with the exception of one who's kid was sick. Most of them asked me how I was doing and I gave them a vague explanation of what happened to me. One mom told me that her son was so upset that I wasn't at school that he threw up and that he didn't want to go to school because I wasn't there.

I've only worked a total of 8 school days and I'm completely exhausted. I had plans to tackle our walk-in closet for the fourth weekend in a row and I can't even imagine having the energy to do it. We had a function at church last night and I had to take a nap after to school in order to go to it. I didn't get up until 9:30am and I feel asleep at about 11pm. I was so out of it that I slept on the couch until 5am! I have to pick up the adrenal supplement that my naturopath prescribed to me. I haven't felt this tired in so long and I know that the supplements will help.

Health wise I'm feeling better. My incision was bothering me yesterday but I think it was because I was so tired. The swelling in my belly has gone down considerably and I can button up my pants for the first time since my laparatomy. The B.ella B.and was helping, but it's nice to be able to wear my clothes properly! I'm really looking forward to seeing my surgeon on Thursday. Hopefully he can shed some light on my abscess.

I've also noticed that my L.upron-related side effects are starting to subside. I'm not having as many hot flashes which is such a relief. It also helps that we've had cooler weather around here. I've also noticed a lot more cervical mucous. I've been pretty much dry as the desert since my first dose of L.upron in May so it looks like my ladyparts are starting to wake up. I have no idea when my period is going to come, but I suspect that it will be sometime later in October, but we'll see.

I guess that I have to listen to the cues that my body is giving me. I can't push myself too hard. Mr. JB is heading to a hockey game tonight so I'll have the house all to myself to watch girlie things on TV without interruption! Sounds like a pretty good night to me!