20 November 2009

Thoughts on vocation

I was one of those forever students. 

I did my B.A.

Then my Honours.

Then my M.A.

And then finally my B. Ed. 

I would love to finish off my Ph. D (which I started, but abandoned for my Education degree, that's another long story) or even start another M.A., but my student loans are even close to being paid off and I'd really like to move and get a nicer car one day in my future. 

One of the reasons why I did so much school was because I just didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. 

I toyed with the idea of being a journalist, an academic, a writer but none of them stuck. 

Teaching was the first thing that I did that felt right. 

The first class I taught was to some first year students. I felt like the clouds opened and that the angels started singing. I knew at that moment that I was meant to be a teacher.

Now I'm thinking because I feel so much love for this class, that perhaps that is all I'm meant to do.

Teach and love other peoples' children.

Perhaps that is what God and the universe is trying to teach me.

I don't know what kind of mother I would be if I had to teach full time. 

I don't know what kind of teacher I would be if I was a mother.

I invest so much time and energy into my work. I love (almost) every minute of it. I don't think I could put in the same effort if I had a family of my own.

Am I thinking this way because we will soon be TTC again? Am I trying to protect my heart from all of the heartache that preceded my drug-induced break? 

What I do know is that I'm scared. I also know that my heart and my head can't take much more disappointment. 

I do know that if given the chance I would give my career up in a second, with no regrets, no looking back. 

I want to have that choice. 

I really do. 

6 comments:

  1. I find that my mind plays tricks on me when the fear starts to become stronger than the hope or the optimism. I question if this is what I even want or if I should just be learning a different lesson than I think I am currently undertaking.

    Question yourself, but also be kind. You don't deserve an extra looking glass with all that infertility has already given to you.

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  2. I used to wish I could be paid to be a student forever! When you have a child, you will not look back at the classroom I bet. I'm DREADING heading back to work in a few weeks for the exact same reasons you said -- I truly love my students, but now my child is miles ahead in priority to me. Being a wife and mother comes first, but I still want to be a good teacher since I can't NOT give it my all. I can just feel the burnout coming and it hasn't even started. Put your all into it now and then when you do have kids, you can focus on your own then. Be very thankful that you will have the choice, too, to stay at home when you have kids, and be sure you and DH are on the same page about that.

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  3. I think the sadness over childlessness makes us fight against anything else that could bring peace or joy to our lives. If we're happy and content with something else, then how do we know God won't move that elusive baby He's been dangling overhead permanently out of reach? I know, for my part, I find it impossible to trust Him completely. This process has brought so much suffering (not all as a result of my bad attitude), and so much of it seems so NEEDLESS. I have gone a slightly different route than you: I'm very close to accepting a never - but I don't have anything else I'm really passionate about (yet?).

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  4. I often wonder how teachers teach children all day and then go home to their own children. I bet it would be quite difficult.

    I agree with you, I think you may be giving yourself an "out" just in case this time around you are disappointed again. Remember, this is a different time, you've come a long way and have made lots of changes, this time is different!! there is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel like this time it CAN happen for you!!

    I do the same thing though, I want to go back to school to become a midwife, and traditionally midwives did not have children (and for good reason, the schedule is crazy) Some time I think I am meant to be child free so I can be the very best midwife I can be! Then I think "how the hell could I be around birth so much, when I KNOW what I really REALLY want is to be a mom"

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  5. I think you can be a great teacher and a good mother. But that's not something you have to decide now or beat yourself up about. I know you read my post the other day about my career situation, it's terrible. So I think it just amazing that you have a job that you love so sincerely. Those students are so lucky to have you.

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  6. I know you. You could do both without a problem.

    And the frustration and defeat that comes across? Totally get it.

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