21 November 2009

There is no f&*^ing justice

Honest to God, there isn't any justice.

At all.

I just got off the phone with my mom, who has no clue how to navigate around my infertility. She told me that my oldest friend (who was my matron of honour) is pregnant.

She told me that under no circumstances that her husband didn't want any more children. She also said that she didn't want anymore as well.

They couldn't afford another child (they have a HUGE house in the suburbs that is barely furnished because they don't have the money).

So she got an IUD. I tried to talk her out of it, but she felt that it was the only way for her to make sure that she didn't have any more children. I think that she was afraid that her husband would leave her if she got pregnant again, despite wanting more herself.

Have I also mentioned that her marriage has had quite a few bumps. They got married at city hall and when my friend wanted to have a church wedding her husband left her. Obviously they patched things up, but I know that there have been many disagreements. Although their daughter was baptised, their marriage hasn't been blessed.

So apparently her daughter (who is also my goddaughter) was pestering her for a little brother or sister, and lo and behold she gets pregnant.

I just feel so horrible.

Not only has she not called me to tell me, my mother went on and on about how you could see that she was pregnant and that it was time for them to have a second baby.

I'm fed up.

I'm tired of feeling jealous.

My infertility has completely exhausted me.

I feel like I haven't felt real joy in so long.

I wish that I could blame all of this on a lack of hormones.

My whole body feels heavy.

We're going to see the S.ound of M.usic tonight and I was so excited. Now all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry.

I'm so done. So absolutely done.

p.s. I also found out that one of my old colleagues is pregnant with her second. I'm so glad that I left that staff. I can't handle seeing baby bumps at all.

13 comments:

  1. OMG, woman... how far is the drive from Canada to NJ?? Or vice versa? We need a good, stiff drink and a good, hard cry (shaking fists at God kinda cry).

    Isn't it wonderful when we try to plan out little special things to make us "fake" happy for a few moments, and even THAT gets ruined with some aweful news?

    Honest to Pete (I love how you say that, so I'm stealing it!), why is IF the ONLY SUFFERING people are complete MORONS about, and completely insensitive to??? If you had lung cancer, do you think your mom would be telling you all about your friend who smokes like a chimney and yet runs marathons and is the most healthy person in the world?
    Why are we treated like our suffering is NOT suffering at all? When in fact, it just might be the very worst suffering there is.

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  2. ohhhhh! I think I remember reading a post from you not too long ago that said there were 2 or 3 new ppl in your life that were preggers, does this make 5?
    WAY too many!! there is NO justice....I totally agree!
    I don't get why all these people who "aren't trying" get pregnant, and those of us who are trying SO hard are still just sitting here wanting to curl into a ball.

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  3. My heart goes out to you! I feel just like you do right now. I didn't get my period this month so I thought -"Oooh, maybe I'm pregnant! At last!" Well, I took a test yesterday and nope - NOT pregnant! Then yesterday I hear about a few people having second and third babies. Why is it that these people are able to get pregnant and not me? I just don't understand why.

    It just makes me feel so sad and discouraged. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers!

    May God Bless you!
    Maria

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  4. I'm so sorry that your mother is completely oblivious and that you are having to deal with even more pregnancy announcements. Sorry that it made your happy night crappy.

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  5. JB - honey, sounds like an absolute sh*t day, that we all have, I hate that your suffering like this, and I do hope that you found joy in the sound of music (and your marriage - mr.jb loves you). Your mom is your mom, she has no idea that she's hurting you, hugs.

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  6. If you want to scream, you know how to find me.

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  7. Do-Re-Me Infertilitly sucks like a B*&ch!

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  8. I noticed that too - people don't understand the suffering of infertility. People either walked on eggshells around me and didn't tell me if they were pregnant, or they just flaunted it. We need some sort of middle ground.

    I'm sorry you're having such an awful day.

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  9. Damn!

    I'm with you 100%.
    SOOOOO tired of it all.

    It seems like pregnancy comes easier to those who don't want it. Why is that???!!!!!

    I'm sorry.

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  10. My mother has said plenty of ignorant things too...especially when I've turned to her for compassion. Duh. But TCIE is right...if I was confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life..would my mother talk about how wonderful it is to see people running about? No, she'd be compassionate and not bring that kind of subject up. So why is it so different from IF? Excellent thought to ponder. And yes...I too..am tired of it! Wiped out.

    Praying for you!!!

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  11. Some moms have such a hard time understanding that we don't want to hear about every pregnancy announcement (neighbor/friend from high school/second cousin). And it's especially hurtful when it's someone who didn't even want to get pregnant (my good friend never wanted kids at all and complained at each pregnancy - she has 3 and finally convinced the dr to tie her tubes).

    It just plain sucks.

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  12. You have been through so much of late. Is there any way you can plan some getaway for you and your husband? Anything to get some of the joy back...Because it's there, just crushed beneath too much suffering.

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  13. I did miss this over the weekend. Does it help to be going through it while someone else is too??? I am surprised she didn't tell you. She is probably ashamed that she was blessed with a child she didn't want. (She should be!) I have to say, you have had the whole mountain fall on you lately. I like the positive thinking idea. You have a good life. But you have soldiered through a lot of hurdles. You know what infertile women never say (that I hear) that other struggling people do? You got through all this, that might have knocked a lesser woman, or man, into the dirt. You're strong. God willing, you won't have to be so strong much longer.

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