There is no f&*^ing justice

Honest to God, there isn't any justice.

At all.

I just got off the phone with my mom, who has no clue how to navigate around my infertility. She told me that my oldest friend (who was my matron of honour) is pregnant.

She told me that under no circumstances that her husband didn't want any more children. She also said that she didn't want anymore as well.

They couldn't afford another child (they have a HUGE house in the suburbs that is barely furnished because they don't have the money).

So she got an IUD. I tried to talk her out of it, but she felt that it was the only way for her to make sure that she didn't have any more children. I think that she was afraid that her husband would leave her if she got pregnant again, despite wanting more herself.

Have I also mentioned that her marriage has had quite a few bumps. They got married at city hall and when my friend wanted to have a church wedding her husband left her. Obviously they patched things up, but I know that there have been many disagreements. Although their daughter was baptised, their marriage hasn't been blessed.

So apparently her daughter (who is also my goddaughter) was pestering her for a little brother or sister, and lo and behold she gets pregnant.

I just feel so horrible.

Not only has she not called me to tell me, my mother went on and on about how you could see that she was pregnant and that it was time for them to have a second baby.

I'm fed up.

I'm tired of feeling jealous.

My infertility has completely exhausted me.

I feel like I haven't felt real joy in so long.

I wish that I could blame all of this on a lack of hormones.

My whole body feels heavy.

We're going to see the S.ound of M.usic tonight and I was so excited. Now all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry.

I'm so done. So absolutely done.

p.s. I also found out that one of my old colleagues is pregnant with her second. I'm so glad that I left that staff. I can't handle seeing baby bumps at all.