26 September 2012

The Envelope

...that will (start the) change our lives.

17 September 2012

It seems like everything in my life is saying no to me.

I wish that I could return to the blogworld with happy news, or even a more positive outlook.

But I can't.

And I'm worried that if I don't return to blogging that I will lose my mind.

So here I am, after almost a month away -- which I needed. My mental state needed the break, and I was feeling so low and angry that I didn't want to sully the internets with my negativity.

Btw, the situation that I asked for all of you to pray for is getting better. I couldn't decide whether or not to share what was going on (another excuse as to why I took my break), and after much prayer and contemplation I decided that I'm not going to. The situation is better and I know that your prayers helped. Maybe one day I will be ready to blog about it, but right now I can't.

You can probably guess from the tone of this post that my trigger cycle didn't result in a miraculous pregnancy. That cycle only got to Peak +9 -- yes, even with progesterone supplementation. I decided that since my luteal phase was so short that I would take the next cycle off and I'm P+10 of my break cycle number one.

I really needed the break.

And it seems as though my break is going to be a little longer since we got some more bad results today at the doctor's office.

Not only is my AMH level really low (it's 0.16ng/mL where it needs to be more than 0.69 to be considered normal), but now Mr. JB's most recent seminal fluid analysis was not good. In fact, it was horrible. His count was low, there wasn't any motility and the morphology was only 61%.

Despite all of this, our Napro doctor isn't sounding the alarm. She wants me to take two more months off, so no trigger shots and just post-Peak HCG for me since my PMS has been so bad that I fear for the lives of those close to me. She wants us to repeat the SFA in six weeks (which I'm sure will come out normal, Mr. JB has done five other SFA's and they were all normal).

On our way home I admitted to Mr. JB that I think that God does not want us to be biological parents. All factors are pointing to no, there is not denying it. I have low ovarian reserve and now we have no sperm. I honestly felt like God was kicking me in the teeth.

And for the first time in a LONG time, IF brought me to tears.

Thank God for big, dark sunglasses.

It also doesn't help that I feel like I'm in a spiritual desert. Mr. JB and I feel like we've been completely abandoned. It's hard to admit it, but I can barely pray anymore. I'm going through the motions and I'm just not feeling it.

In the past month I've had a failed cycle, my best friend moved away, and we started school (thank God, my class is so good!). I'm not even going to get into the labour unrest for our province's teachers. I can't barely watch the news or read the paper because it stresses me out so much.

I keep telling myself that I've had almost a year of pain-free living. I am so grateful for having that, but I would be lying if I didn't say that it isn't enough.

I am so grateful for your prayers, your comments and your e-mails. The blogging community has been such a blessing. I hope that this phase passes with my whole self intact. Unfortunately, I know that it isn't going to be pretty.