30 April 2012

I feel so done

We just got back from the Napro doctor.

She tested my urine and when the nurse came in to double check she said, "Let's do a beta."

I was on the edge of my seat for the rest of the appointment.

My hormones are rocking, as is my CM. I've had fantastic cycles. Fantastic, viable cycles.

But the beta was negative. And considering I had a false positive on P+15, I figure this cycle is done.

I feel like throwing in the towel.

I'm so done.


Btw, she said that there was blood in my urine and she's going to send it to the lab. She doesn't think that it's another pelvic abscess since I have no other symptoms. She said that if it doesn't clear up that she's going to send me for an ultrasound to take a look at my kidneys.

So the cloudy pee saga continues...

29 April 2012

Blog give-away winner, Sacraments & Drama

Congratulations goes out to Prayerfuljourney who wins a copy of The Infertility Companion for Catholics. Congratulations! Please send me an e-mail at jellybelly_75 at yahoo dot com so I can get your particulars!

My class did their First Communion this afternoon and I feel spent! Although there were four other teachers, I was the one that was in charge -- which I don't really mind since I love to organize and I'm bossy.

When I woke up this morning I was feeling very anxious, and I couldn't quite put my finger on the reason. We went to my aunt's house for a party last night and my parents didn't attend. The family feud, that I have no involvement nor information about, is starting to get to me. The strange thing is that my mother called me two mornings in a row and she didn't mention anything about the party, although she was invited to it (Mr. JB was in charge of extending the invitation).

It was strange that she called since we don't speak that often and she called fairly early in the morning. She did have some sad news to share, but she delivered it in the strangest way. Apparently one of my godfathers (yes, I have quite a few godparents, apparently in my culture you can't say now if someone asks to be a godparent) fell and was in the hospital. She called this morning, in the cheeriest voice, to tell me that his family was going to take him off the respirator.

I told her that I didn't feel comfortable going to the hospital, especially I am not close to this godfather nor have I seen him since my wedding (it was a courtesy to invite him and his wife). I also didn't want to be there to see him die. She didn't have any sort of sadness or sympathy in her voice which was so bizarre.

There is some strange, strange stuff going on with my mother, please pray for her and of course, for my godfather.

I just want my family drama to be over! I know that it's starting to affect me and I hate it that they are fighting.


I see my Napro doctor tomorrow afternoon. I still have cloudy urine and I am so worried. I really hope that she has some answers! 

28 April 2012

St. Gianna, pray for us!

April 28th has become one of my favourite days of the year, and I have St. Gianna to thank for it. I was lucky enough to visit her shrine (and meet up with TCIE and her husband) and I was able to touch her gloves to my womb. We are going to definitely take the opportunity to swing by when we're traveling in the US in the summer -- a visit to the relics can't hurt, right?

I joined A Martha Trying to Be Mary in her novena and I think that I may have to continue for a little while longer (there aren't any rules against that, are there?). I always feel such a great comfort when I pray this particular novena, and I've prayed quite a few during our IF journey.

Today we attended the baptism our dear friends' daughter. I love attending baptisms, but there is always that horrible dread that jealousy and comparison bring in the pit of my stomach. There was quite a bit less today since these friends were former IF'ers AND patients of our beloved Dr. T. L sent me a lovely message reassuring me that she wasn't going to say anything about our IF conversations that we had this week, which is incredibly sweet and totally unnecessary. They are proof that there is an other side, we just have to get there.

Patience, right?

St. Gianna, pray for us!

You have one more day to enter the giveaway for The Infertility Companion for Catholics. Please leave a comment on this post so you can be entered for the draw. Mr. JB and I will be making the draw at 9pm EST.

24 April 2012


Mr. JB and I have many wonderful friends.

Many wonderful, fertile friends.

I have to admit that I wasn't completely heartbroken that I was stuck on the couch with a horrible cold (which is thankfully so much better) on Saturday. I missed the First Communion of Mr. JB's cousin's son where we would've been the only childless couple in attendance.

Yes, my fellow IF sisters: the only barren woman at a party full of adorable children.

No, I wasn't too put out that I had to make my own chicken soup. Being alone with my sore throat and runny nose was easier than feeling the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

And don't even get me started on the jealousy.

Or the comparisons.

Yes, if we had a baby nine months after our wedding day my child would be starting the first grade in September.

But we're not going to think about that, right?

One of the couples in attendance, who now has three beautiful children -- one of which is getting baptized on St. Gianna's feast day! -- struggled to start their family. I had been pestering Mr. JB to ask the husband who in the world their doctor was. He finally got the opportunity to ask the lovely L who they saw. I figured that they have three kids now, so their doctor must be a miracle worker!

I got L's message this afternoon. Guess who her doctor is?

My beloved Dr. T!!!! Yes, the same doctor who cried with me in her office when I showed her my surgery rosaries. 

If Dr. T could help L have three beautiful babies, she can help us make one!

I know this is a sign from above that I have to keep believing. Yes, on Peak +9, I'm going to decide to be hopeful. My reproductive clock has been reset, it's only been four months, not almost seven years.

Ouch, typing that hurt.

St. Gianna, St. Gerard, St. Rita, St. Anne & St. Joachim, pray for us!!!!


We had an accountant help us with our taxes since we had all of my health stuff from Omaha. I have to say that the $226 that we paid to have our taxes done for us was so much less stressful than having to do it myself (btw, I filed my parents' taxes tonight, neither one had to pay thank God!). We had over $16 000 to claim from my surgeries, so we're going to get about $3000 back.

Which co-incidentally is the amount our new roof is going to cost, a roof that we desperately need.

Yes, God does provide.

And I celebrated by finally replacing my silly i.Phone. The battery was completely pooched and I was tired of it dying randomly. I have to say that I am completely in love. Yes, I'm a geek. Si.ri and I are best friends now.

There's still time to enter my give-away of "The Infertility Companion for Catholics." Just leave a comment on my post from April 22nd by Sunday and you will be entered in the draw! Good luck!

22 April 2012

Guest Post from the Authors of "The Infertility Companion for Catholics"

I am beyond excited to be hosting Angelique Ruhi-Lopez and Carmen Santamaria, the two authors of "The Infertility Companion for Catholics."

The Infertility Companion for Catholics: Spiritual and Practical Support for Couples is the culmination of our shared resources and experiences journeying through infertility. We each had different experiences with infertility and have walked through it at different times but what united us is our desire to have the experience bring us closer to God and help other couples struggling with infertility to do the same.
In our book, we tried to include as many different aspects of infertility as we could, including the medical, emotional and spiritual dimensions of bearing this cross. We did not just want to present the facts about Church teachings on assisted reproductive technologies but also the whys, getting to the bottom of why our Church, in her wisdom, teaches what she does. As we discovered and share in the book, what struck us is that the Church is not arbitrarily saying “no” to the enticing illicit treatments we are often offered that promise us a baby at all costs – it is saying “yes” to a new way of viewing infertility; “yes” to respect for human dignity; “yes” to helping us understand the beauty of our bodies and heal and improve our health.
In addition to discussing Church teachings and including a myriad of resources, prayers, devotions and reference materials in the book, we openly share our hearts, our experiences, our frustrations and our hopes. We are not experts, just friends who hope to share in this journey with other friends and remind ourselves that we are not alone.
Providentially, as we were writing our book, a new song was released by contemporary Christian artist Laura Story entitled, “Blessings.” Carmen explains how this song could be considered an anthem of sorts for the journey of infertility:
“A recent gift from my husband was a subscription to Sirius radio.  I am a huge fan of the Catholic Channel and having Catholic programming in my car.  There is a Christian music station as well that features a segment they call Changing Tracks, as they say these are songs that have changed our lives in some way.  One of my personal Changing Tracks is Blessings by Laura Story.
The entire song is fabulous and has so much wisdom but here are some of my favorite parts:
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

I like how she turns ideas on their head.  What if all of this is God showing his incredible mercy for us?  We are all being sanctified and this is all part of the process, yet we doubt as Laura says, as if God’s revelation of His love was not enough.  We can be so dense sometimes only viewing things from one side. This song really helped me to think about all these difficulties in a new light.  What is a blessing?  Yes, a child is a blessing but isn’t infertility and the opportunity to grow in our relationship with God and others a blessing as well?”
Most days, infertility may not feel like a blessing but let us pray together that we can grow to see the blessings that have come through the raindrops and embrace His mercies in disguise.
I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to be a part of Angelique and Carmen's book tour. I know that their book will be an invaluable resource for so many!
I also have a copy of their wonderful book to giveaway. If you are interested in being included in the giveaway, please leave a comment. The giveaway contest closes on April 29th. Good luck! 

21 April 2012

It's pretty sad when...

...a sick girl has to make her own chicken soup.


This is the view from my perch on the couch.

Btw, I didn't hear from my GP yesterday and I was so out of it because of my cold I didn't realize until after her office closed. I guess I'll have to call on Monday to see what's up. I've still had a couple of cloudy pees since starting the antibiotics.

Being sick sucks. Big, fat donkey balls.

18 April 2012

Erring on the side of caution

So I woke up to more cloudy pee and a little bit of pain. My lower back is still sore and I don't want my potential UTI to get worse.

I sent Mr JB to the pharmacy to get my antibiotic prescription filled and I took one tonight. I really hope that I feel some relief soon.

Lord, please let this be the cause of my cloudy pee!!!!!

17 April 2012

More waiting...

So my GP found blood in my urine, but she wants to send my urine sample to the lab to see if I have a UTI for sure. I left her office with a prescription for antibiotics which I will fill when they get the results.

But she won't know until Friday.


She did say that if I am in any more pain or if I visibly see blood that I should fill the prescription right away.


She also didn't think that my lower back pain had to do with my UTI, although I think that she's wrong. It's always symptom for me.

I've never wanted to have a UTI so badly.

I did go to the mall after my appointment and I got these comfy beauties:

I also got a cute pair of skinny black pants from the G.ap:
The best thing about the pants was that they were on sale! Woohoo! I just wish that I wasn't so short since the pants are normal length on me, not cropped.

I was hoping to find something for my class' First Communion in a couple of weeks, but I came up empty-handed. I'm hoping that the weather is warm enough so I can wear one of my cute spring dresses. I know that I'm going to be in a lot of pictures that day!

Thank God for retail therapy!

15 April 2012

Worried JellyBelly *Updated

I do not deal with stress well.

At all.

It's a wonder that I volunteered to do my parents' taxes since all it does it cause me aggravation.  I spent almost three hours this afternoon wrestling with the online program and I didn't even finish. It's almost 9:30pm and I'm currently on hold to get more tech support.

I really don't think that my parents realize how stressful it is to do stuff like this for them. I know I did volunteer, but they didn't exactly show much appreciation while I was working. Then again, what else is new. I ended up having to leave because I had a yoga class to go to. I was already at my limit and I wasn't getting anywhere with what I was doing. My parents were confused since they don't seem to realize that I have a life -- when my mother phoned yesterday about coming over she announced that she was coming over, not that if it was a good time or not.

She was also shocked that when she phoned that I was at an early yoga class (I've only been going to this class for FIVE YEARS). She also didn't have some essential information to complete their returns and she insisted that she didn't receive it, which is completely untrue since I received the same information.

Hopefully this frustration is getting me close to the gates of heaven!

My second, and biggest worry, is my cloudy pee.

I've been trying very hard not to freak out, but I can't help it. I suspect that I either have a yeast infection or a mild UTI (my kidneys have been sore, but not unbearably so). It's only cloudy when I have to hold it (which happens quite a bit as an elementary school teacher!) or first thing in the morning. The frequency of said cloudy pee has increased in the past week, as well as my discomfort. I see my Napro doctor on April 30th, but I'm thinking now that I should see my annoying GP.

I'm trying not to freak out since cloudy pee was one of my first symptoms of my pelvic abscess which happened after my first laparotomy -- and I absolutely do not want to have another one of those! I also realize that my surgery was in November and that a post-op abscess/infection is highly unlikely.

Could there be something else causing my cloudy pee?

Advice? Prayers?

*Update: I made an appointment with my GP. I know that I can't wait to see my Napro doctor on the 30th. I hope that it's nothing major! As for the taxes, I'm taking a break tonight. I'll get back to them tomorrow night. [sigh]

9 April 2012

Prayer Buddy Reveal

I had the pleasure of praying for Rebecca at The Road Home. I had been reading her blog for quite some time and we're also friends on Face.book, so I was so happy to pray for someone that I felt like I knew very well.

I have commented on her blog fairly regularly, so I don't think that she was suspicious when I would comment about prayers for her. She also reached out to me to say prayers for me during Lent! We may have not been blessed with miracle pregnancies, but I will continue to pray for her intentions and I am sure that the Lord will bless her and her husband.

God bless you Rebecca!

I would like to thank Made for Another World for praying for me! I definitely felt her prayers. I have felt so peaceful the past few weeks, and I know that her prayers were instrumental to helping my mindset. Thank you so much!

8 April 2012

Happy Easter! Joyeuses Pâques!

The tomb is empty!!! Happy Easter everyone!!!!!

1 April 2012

Saying goodbye...

I feel like all I've done in the past few days is say goodbye.

Uncle Jack's funeral was lovely. Mr. JB's brother was able to fly in to celebrate the funeral mass (lucky for us, he had returned from Africa the week before), which everyone in the family appreciated. It was so great to have someone that could tell personal stories during the homily. We've spent a lot of time sharing funny stories about Uncle Jack. As my BIL said, he was larger than life and he will be missed by many.

Yesterday, I attended a going away party for my favourite yoga teacher. He's going on a sabbatical for a year so he can study at a meditation retreat in California. He has become a very good friend and his absence is definitely going to be difficult. His classes are my favourite and every time he says to try something new, I feel like my body is up for the challenge -- not many have that talent! I know that this is a great opportunity for him and that when he returns he will be an even better teacher, but selfishly I wish he didn't have to go.

I am especially worried for my friend, K. I have mentioned before that she has had feelings for G for a long, long time. Feelings that aren't reciprocated. She has told him how she feels about him and he has told her that he does not feel the same way. She organized the going away party yesterday and she had a hard time keeping it together. Please keep her in your prayers, she is very fragile and I'm trying to be supportive, but G's departure is going to be very, very difficult for her.

And lastly, I'm saying goodbye to my Lenten dream of falling pg. AF arrived late yesterday, although I knew that she was on her way (my boobs were no longer sore and I could feel stirrings in my pelvis). I hoped and hoped that our AZ vacation, prayer buddies and Lent would finally bring us our miracle.

Alas, I was disappointed yet again.

I am so blessed to have a husband that is so hopeful. When I told him this morning he said not to worry. He also said that we're lucky to have Uncle Jack in heaven asking the Lord to send us a baby. He was a very determined man, so hopefully he can help speed up the process!

Thank you so much prayer buddy for all of your prayers. I am sure that you have a lot to do with how at peace I feel right now. And for the buddy that I'm praying for, you're getting loads of prayers offered up for you!

Happy Palm Sunday everyone! I can't believe that it's Holy Week already!