19 January 2015

Searching for Hope

First off, I apologize for falling off the edge of the earth.

After my last post, I had A LOT to process, then Advent happened (and the ensuing family drama -- thankfully not from my own family of origin for a change), I started taking anxiety medication, had an incredibly stressful last week of school (which involved the death of a parent of a child that I had taught and a freak accident which resulted in one of my choir members sustaining a traumatic brain injury).

Yes, those meds came in handy.

I thank the Lord for my incredibly understanding Napro doctor.

So as I reluctantly enter my fortieth year (OMG), the Lord has surprised me once again.

Two weeks ago we were informed of a possible adoption match. Our social worker, who is new to the adoption world (she used to work mainly in fostering), had little information, but she did know that there was a sibling pair looking for a family. We met with her last week to discuss the boys who have fairly substantial needs -- one is high functioning autistic and the other is diagnosed (and medicated) ADHD. They're five and three.

We have spent the last week praying and discerning about whether or not these are our sons.

My heart is so unsure, as to be expected.

I thought that once I saw their photos that my heart would swell with maternal pride and I would say yes right away.

That was not my reaction.

Nor was it Mr. JB's.

What we are hopeful for is that we got a suggested match within a year.

We're in the process.

We're on their radar.

Although, in my heart of hearts I don't think that these boys are the right fit for our family, I know that our kids are out there.

At the end of 2014 I was feeling so hopeless. I was frustrated at the inertia of my life, and so soon into 2015, the wheels have started moving again.

He works in such mysterious ways. Just as I was ready to give up, He gives me a rope to hang on to.

Thank you Lord for not letting me give up.