With aqua yoga-tai-lates.
My awesome chiropractor suggested trying some water exercise as I recuperate and I found a yoga-tai chi-pilates class in the water at my local community centre AND it's also in the warm therapy pool (the water temperature is 33C/92F) so the water is perfect.
Not only is the exercise more gentle, but I love that I feel so incredibly strong, and it's been a long time since I've felt strong.
I'm the second-youngest person in the class and I always do the modifications to make the exercises more difficult -- I was sore last week and I'm a little sore tonight, but I feel so good when I get home.
I'm feeling so much better physically that I think that I'm going to add another yoga class to my fitness schedule (I'm currently doing two easy classes: a Yin and a Restorative). There's an Ashtanga prep class on Saturday mornings that I am ready to return to after the March Break, which is two weeks earlier than I planned.
I know that my need to exercise is part of my need to control something in my body. IF has taken so much of my peace of mind and exercising is the one thing that I can do that can help me forget. I am also one of those strange people that enjoys the physical exertion of a good workout. I know that I am still a long way away from being where I was physically before my surgeries, but being pain-free is a pretty awesome trade-off.
I am trying so hard to be gentle with myself. After two disappointing cycles, I know that I have to re-frame my thinking since these are our first actual fertile cycles ever (which is still hard to stomach since we have been married for over six years).
As I drove home from my class tonight I passed through the part of my neighbourhood that we want to live in. I know that the financial hardships that we are facing are going to be for good. I believe that the Lord is having me prioritize what we really need and not just what we want. I would love to have a beautiful detached home with a big yard, but we have a lovely, affordable home now.
And to top it off this time next week we will be in beautiful Arizona. I can't wait!!!
5 March, 2012
3 March, 2012
Foreshadowing
I had the best dream last night.
The setting didn't quite make sense, but I was definitely at work (although it looked nothing like my school). Two of my colleagues that are "in the know" about my IF were forcing me to POAS (which all of you know, I do not do).
One of women brought me a test in bubble wrap (I have no idea what that means!) and she made me go to the washroom (which was MUCH nicer than the real facilities). I did the deed and when I looked down at the test it was positive.
In my dream I was shocked, but elated.
I even did the "When was the last time I took HCG?" count in my dream.
My other colleague took the test out of my hand and I said, "You know I just peed on that, don't you?"
The rest of the dreams blurs, but I woke up happy.
I'm considering this a sign of good things to come, although I don't think that I'm going to POAS in a staff washroom. Our school board buys clear garbage bags and I really don't want the custodian to see the box.
Btw, the DHEA is going well. I woke up with a headache yesterday morning and I was scared that it was related to the new medication, but this morning I was fine. Thank God!
The setting didn't quite make sense, but I was definitely at work (although it looked nothing like my school). Two of my colleagues that are "in the know" about my IF were forcing me to POAS (which all of you know, I do not do).
One of women brought me a test in bubble wrap (I have no idea what that means!) and she made me go to the washroom (which was MUCH nicer than the real facilities). I did the deed and when I looked down at the test it was positive.
In my dream I was shocked, but elated.
I even did the "When was the last time I took HCG?" count in my dream.
My other colleague took the test out of my hand and I said, "You know I just peed on that, don't you?"
The rest of the dreams blurs, but I woke up happy.
I'm considering this a sign of good things to come, although I don't think that I'm going to POAS in a staff washroom. Our school board buys clear garbage bags and I really don't want the custodian to see the box.
Btw, the DHEA is going well. I woke up with a headache yesterday morning and I was scared that it was related to the new medication, but this morning I was fine. Thank God!
1 March, 2012
Another one bites the dust
[sigh]
AF showed up right after the dismissal bell.
I wasn't surprised since my boob tenderness was a lot less which is a sure sign that she was on her way.
But don't worry, I'm not completely gutted.
My Napro doctor was so hopeful yesterday. My estrogen and progesterone rock. My CM is great. My long luteal phases are a good thing. Her only concern is the tiny bit of brown bleeding at the end of my period. My FSH was also high (it was 15) so she wants me to take a break from Cl.omid (thank God!!!) for a month.
She had to leave my exam room for a little while to tend to another patient and I looked up high FSH and DHEA came up in my Dr. Google search. When we returned to the room I asked her for a prescription and she didn't hesitate. I'm taking 25mg three times a day and I will be taking my first dose tonight.
Our last two cycles were good, fertile cycles. She assured me that it's just a matter of time.
Good thing that we're going on vacation in two weeks, perhaps that's all we need.
[insert sarcastic laugh here]
Prayer buddy, I know that I've been asking you to work your tail off for me. I felt your prayers, as well as the prayers of so many today. Thank God for all of you!
AF showed up right after the dismissal bell.
I wasn't surprised since my boob tenderness was a lot less which is a sure sign that she was on her way.
But don't worry, I'm not completely gutted.
My Napro doctor was so hopeful yesterday. My estrogen and progesterone rock. My CM is great. My long luteal phases are a good thing. Her only concern is the tiny bit of brown bleeding at the end of my period. My FSH was also high (it was 15) so she wants me to take a break from Cl.omid (thank God!!!) for a month.
She had to leave my exam room for a little while to tend to another patient and I looked up high FSH and DHEA came up in my Dr. Google search. When we returned to the room I asked her for a prescription and she didn't hesitate. I'm taking 25mg three times a day and I will be taking my first dose tonight.
Our last two cycles were good, fertile cycles. She assured me that it's just a matter of time.
Good thing that we're going on vacation in two weeks, perhaps that's all we need.
[insert sarcastic laugh here]
Prayer buddy, I know that I've been asking you to work your tail off for me. I felt your prayers, as well as the prayers of so many today. Thank God for all of you!
29 February, 2012
On Alert
It's P+16.
And no, I will not POAS.
Even if you beg, threaten or ask nicely.
All of you know what happens to an IF girl when she POAS.
I thought that after last month's P+17/CD1 drama that it wouldn't be as stressful.
I am trying not to analyze every single symptom (are my boobs more sore today, or are they less sore?) and going to the bathroom is ridiculously stressful.
Oh prayer buddy, I am offering all of this stress for you!
And no, I will not POAS.
Even if you beg, threaten or ask nicely.
All of you know what happens to an IF girl when she POAS.
I thought that after last month's P+17/CD1 drama that it wouldn't be as stressful.
I am trying not to analyze every single symptom (are my boobs more sore today, or are they less sore?) and going to the bathroom is ridiculously stressful.
Oh prayer buddy, I am offering all of this stress for you!
25 February, 2012
Gratitude & A Clarification
Again, I have to thank you all for your kind words and support. I have been a lot better emotionally and I'm feeling a lot more in control of the situation.
We had to take a break from dealing with the billing department at Creighton. The extra charges have nothing to do with PPVI or Dr. Hilgers, the additional costs are all from my hospital stay. We will be asking Creighton for an itemized bill and for some more leniency with the crazy cost they are trying to saddle us with. I hope and pray that there will be more "discounts" applied to our account.
Our financial planner has figured out a very easy plan for us to free up some cash to pay for the extra charges. We were contributing quite a substantial amount to a tax-free account to help save up for our next home, but we are going to suspend those contributions until our bill is paid up. We can't afford to move, not just because of my crazy medical bills, but also real estate is nuts right now in our neighbourhood. It truly was a blessing that we didn't get that house last spring! Then again, if we got that house, I wouldn't have even considered going to Omaha.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around owing so much more than we were told. I wish that this experience hasn't soured my memory of my treatment. I do know that if we knew the entire financial picture that I wouldn't have gone to Omaha. I know that hindsight is 20/20, but I do feel immense guilt for the extra financial burden.
To top it off, Mr. JB's brother sent him a lengthy e-mail saying that we have to stop being so reckless with our spending. Yes, he was kicking us both (in steel-toed boots) while we were down. The last thing we are is wasteful, he seems to forget that we both earn a very good wage and that life is not cheap. In his message he made it sound like we were throwing money away. Yes, if I was doing that I wouldn't be driving an eight year old car, nor would I be clipping coupons. The last time he tried to criticize our marriage he said that I had a compulsive shopping problem. Again, he couldn't be more far off. Yes, I do like to get a good deal, but I'm not going into hock when I get a new sweater or a new pair of shoes (I can count on one hand how many items I have in my closet that I have paid full price).
Again, I'm feeling like I'm being punished for something. I wish I knew what it was, but I can't help but wonder what I could've done to deserve what is happening.
Last night we attended mass and the Stations of the Cross. Our wonderful pastor asked those in attendance to follow him around the church and he asked those around him to help read the passages. The one that he asked me to read was very fitting:
Station Seven: Jesus Falls Again
Christ speaks:
This seventh step, my other self,
is one that tests your will.
From this fall learn to perservere
in doing good.
The time will come
when all your efforts seem to fail
and you will think,
"I can't go on."
Then turn to me,
my heavy-laden one,
and I will give you rest.
Trust me and carry on.
I reply:
Give me your courage, Lord.
When failure presses heavily on me
and I am desolate,
stretch out your hand
to lift me up.
I know I must not cease,
but persevere in doing good.
But help me, Lord.
Alone there's nothing I can do.
With you, I can do anything you ask.
I will.
Prayer buddy, you are getting so many prayers your way. I decided to offer up all of my anxiety for this situation! I hope that there is something fruitful that we can both benefit from through this suffering!
We had to take a break from dealing with the billing department at Creighton. The extra charges have nothing to do with PPVI or Dr. Hilgers, the additional costs are all from my hospital stay. We will be asking Creighton for an itemized bill and for some more leniency with the crazy cost they are trying to saddle us with. I hope and pray that there will be more "discounts" applied to our account.
Our financial planner has figured out a very easy plan for us to free up some cash to pay for the extra charges. We were contributing quite a substantial amount to a tax-free account to help save up for our next home, but we are going to suspend those contributions until our bill is paid up. We can't afford to move, not just because of my crazy medical bills, but also real estate is nuts right now in our neighbourhood. It truly was a blessing that we didn't get that house last spring! Then again, if we got that house, I wouldn't have even considered going to Omaha.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around owing so much more than we were told. I wish that this experience hasn't soured my memory of my treatment. I do know that if we knew the entire financial picture that I wouldn't have gone to Omaha. I know that hindsight is 20/20, but I do feel immense guilt for the extra financial burden.
To top it off, Mr. JB's brother sent him a lengthy e-mail saying that we have to stop being so reckless with our spending. Yes, he was kicking us both (in steel-toed boots) while we were down. The last thing we are is wasteful, he seems to forget that we both earn a very good wage and that life is not cheap. In his message he made it sound like we were throwing money away. Yes, if I was doing that I wouldn't be driving an eight year old car, nor would I be clipping coupons. The last time he tried to criticize our marriage he said that I had a compulsive shopping problem. Again, he couldn't be more far off. Yes, I do like to get a good deal, but I'm not going into hock when I get a new sweater or a new pair of shoes (I can count on one hand how many items I have in my closet that I have paid full price).
Again, I'm feeling like I'm being punished for something. I wish I knew what it was, but I can't help but wonder what I could've done to deserve what is happening.
Last night we attended mass and the Stations of the Cross. Our wonderful pastor asked those in attendance to follow him around the church and he asked those around him to help read the passages. The one that he asked me to read was very fitting:
Station Seven: Jesus Falls Again
Christ speaks:
This seventh step, my other self,
is one that tests your will.
From this fall learn to perservere
in doing good.
The time will come
when all your efforts seem to fail
and you will think,
"I can't go on."
Then turn to me,
my heavy-laden one,
and I will give you rest.
Trust me and carry on.
I reply:
Give me your courage, Lord.
When failure presses heavily on me
and I am desolate,
stretch out your hand
to lift me up.
I know I must not cease,
but persevere in doing good.
But help me, Lord.
Alone there's nothing I can do.
With you, I can do anything you ask.
I will.
Prayer buddy, you are getting so many prayers your way. I decided to offer up all of my anxiety for this situation! I hope that there is something fruitful that we can both benefit from through this suffering!
22 February, 2012
Starting Lent Off with a Bang
First off, thank you all for your kind words and prayers.
The one word I have been feeling the past week and a half is overwhelmed. If there was a state higher than overwhelmed, then I would be that.
It has been a tough time in the JellyBelly household.
It started with Mr. JB finding out that he could possibly lose three days pay from my surgeries. He had a letter for ten days, but he had to take an extra week because of my second-look laparatomy. Our school board has implemented a new absence system and they are really cracking down. He spoke to his old and current administrators and they were very helpful, but he had to speak to the superintendent of human resources so he could review his file. He spoke to him yesterday and he thinks that he was sympathetic to our situation. Mr. JB does not take days off, except to attend appointments with me or because he is too sick to go in. Please pray that he doesn't lose the three days pay, it comes out to be quite a substantial amount and we can't afford it at all.
On top of the stress of Mr. JB's situation and my crazy class I had to pay an additional $1600 in taxes for 2010. I was warned by my boss at the Ministry of Ed. that there was a possibility that I would have to pay back for my income taxes, and I did pay $700 when I filed. The reassessment was a total shock and we had to dip into money that was earmarked for my medical bills in Omaha.
Which brings me to the biggest surprise of the day: We went to an accountant to help us with out taxes this year because of all of my medical bills and we also wanted to know how much we had to buy in RRSP's (they're the equivalent of 401K's) to offset having to pay income tax. The accountant needs an invoice stating how much money we paid to the hospital and PPVI.
Mr. JB got home first and he was able to leave a message at PPVI and he was lucky enough to speak to someone in billing at Creighton. We thought that it would be a straightforward conversation, but after an hour and a half and speaking to three different people we found out that we owe A LOT more than we had been told when we left Omaha.
Health care bills are totally new to us. When I get sick I show the doctor or hospital my health card and I don't see any money change hands. We got the unfortunate surprise that our payment to Dr. Hilgers was a lot more than estimated (like $9 000 more), but we thought that we had a clear idea of how much we owed the hospital.
My were we wrong.
We found out tonight that we owe the hospital $18 000.
Yes, that is after already paying over $22 000.
Out of our own pocket.
Needless to say, we felt sick. We both cried and I spent a good half hour in the fetal position sobbing.
We have set up a payment plan that is going to force us to tighten our purse strings, but I am beside myself.
Mr. JB spoke to our financial planner and he assured him that there is a way to pay for this. We are also gainfully employed and own a house and our cars, so we won't qualify for financial aid, we did get the paperwork, but we won't qualify, I'm sure.
I feel so much guilt for having my surgery. Mr. JB assures me that it was for the best since I am feeling so much better physically, but if my stupid body wasn't so broken we wouldn't have had to incur all this debt.
I feel like God is punishing me for something, and I have no idea what it is. I've tried so hard to follow the rules and to follow His will, but the both of us feel so abandoned right now. Nothing seems to be going right.
So, I've had so much to offer up for my Prayer Buddy. As we spoke to the various people on the phone this evening I offered so many prayers for you.
I really hope that there's a light at the end of this tunnel.
I don't know how much more I can take.
The one word I have been feeling the past week and a half is overwhelmed. If there was a state higher than overwhelmed, then I would be that.
It has been a tough time in the JellyBelly household.
It started with Mr. JB finding out that he could possibly lose three days pay from my surgeries. He had a letter for ten days, but he had to take an extra week because of my second-look laparatomy. Our school board has implemented a new absence system and they are really cracking down. He spoke to his old and current administrators and they were very helpful, but he had to speak to the superintendent of human resources so he could review his file. He spoke to him yesterday and he thinks that he was sympathetic to our situation. Mr. JB does not take days off, except to attend appointments with me or because he is too sick to go in. Please pray that he doesn't lose the three days pay, it comes out to be quite a substantial amount and we can't afford it at all.
On top of the stress of Mr. JB's situation and my crazy class I had to pay an additional $1600 in taxes for 2010. I was warned by my boss at the Ministry of Ed. that there was a possibility that I would have to pay back for my income taxes, and I did pay $700 when I filed. The reassessment was a total shock and we had to dip into money that was earmarked for my medical bills in Omaha.
Which brings me to the biggest surprise of the day: We went to an accountant to help us with out taxes this year because of all of my medical bills and we also wanted to know how much we had to buy in RRSP's (they're the equivalent of 401K's) to offset having to pay income tax. The accountant needs an invoice stating how much money we paid to the hospital and PPVI.
Mr. JB got home first and he was able to leave a message at PPVI and he was lucky enough to speak to someone in billing at Creighton. We thought that it would be a straightforward conversation, but after an hour and a half and speaking to three different people we found out that we owe A LOT more than we had been told when we left Omaha.
Health care bills are totally new to us. When I get sick I show the doctor or hospital my health card and I don't see any money change hands. We got the unfortunate surprise that our payment to Dr. Hilgers was a lot more than estimated (like $9 000 more), but we thought that we had a clear idea of how much we owed the hospital.
My were we wrong.
We found out tonight that we owe the hospital $18 000.
Yes, that is after already paying over $22 000.
Out of our own pocket.
Needless to say, we felt sick. We both cried and I spent a good half hour in the fetal position sobbing.
We have set up a payment plan that is going to force us to tighten our purse strings, but I am beside myself.
Mr. JB spoke to our financial planner and he assured him that there is a way to pay for this. We are also gainfully employed and own a house and our cars, so we won't qualify for financial aid, we did get the paperwork, but we won't qualify, I'm sure.
I feel so much guilt for having my surgery. Mr. JB assures me that it was for the best since I am feeling so much better physically, but if my stupid body wasn't so broken we wouldn't have had to incur all this debt.
I feel like God is punishing me for something, and I have no idea what it is. I've tried so hard to follow the rules and to follow His will, but the both of us feel so abandoned right now. Nothing seems to be going right.
So, I've had so much to offer up for my Prayer Buddy. As we spoke to the various people on the phone this evening I offered so many prayers for you.
I really hope that there's a light at the end of this tunnel.
I don't know how much more I can take.
16 February, 2012
Prayers Please
I feel like I'm under attack.
I feel so overwhelmed and it seems like everything is going wrong right now.
I'm sorry for being so vague, but I need prayers friends.
PLEASE!
I feel so overwhelmed and it seems like everything is going wrong right now.
I'm sorry for being so vague, but I need prayers friends.
PLEASE!
11 February, 2012
At War
I've had so many ideas to blog about, but I haven't been able to pin down one idea.
Until today.
I realized this morning, as I was lazily reading the Saturday morning paper and enjoying my gluten-free organic chicken sausages, that I've been at war.
With my body.
It was so much easier while I was recovering from my surgery. I knew that I needed rest and that I had strict limitations. Now that I'm three months post-op I feel mostly better, but I still feel so limited.
Listen, I knew before my surgeries that I wasn't going to bounce back instantaneously -- I know that a level one yoga class is still too challenging and that I still need to rest (we don't even need to mention the effect that my crazy class has had on my mental state!).
But it's so much harder than I thought it was going to be.
When I returned to my yoga practice it was really hard, mentally and physically. I'm used to being physically fit and it's hard when I can't do what used to be easy. I've been tempted to go on a really good power walk, but when I get home from school I am so spent from dealing with my students that I can barely get off the couch.
I've tried so hard to stop the negative internal dialogue, particularly the thoughts that I'm going to become fat* and even lazier. But I have to admit that when I fit into my favourite leggings the other day I felt a strange sense of accomplishment (I know it's just the swelling going down, I also felt so happy to button up my skinny jeans yesterday -- small victories, right?).
The war with my body has had so many different chapters. I started exercising because I had a poor self-image. I continued exercising because it helped when I was clinically depressed. I ramped up my yoga practice when I read that it would help with fertility and I've continued because I fell in love with how strong I felt after a good class.
I miss having the ninety minutes of peace that a class would bring me. I miss the endorphin high and the challenge. I miss sweating.
I've thought more than once that if I had to be IF for any longer it would be so nice to be completely healed so I could at least let my frustrations out in a class!
I feel like so many things are coming to a head in my life. I'm fed up with my body. I'm fed up with my class. And most of all, I'm fed up with being IF.
I want my body to be normal.
Is this too much to ask?
*Yes, I know that this is all in my head. Having a poor self-image is tough, I know.
Until today.
I realized this morning, as I was lazily reading the Saturday morning paper and enjoying my gluten-free organic chicken sausages, that I've been at war.
With my body.
It was so much easier while I was recovering from my surgery. I knew that I needed rest and that I had strict limitations. Now that I'm three months post-op I feel mostly better, but I still feel so limited.
Listen, I knew before my surgeries that I wasn't going to bounce back instantaneously -- I know that a level one yoga class is still too challenging and that I still need to rest (we don't even need to mention the effect that my crazy class has had on my mental state!).
But it's so much harder than I thought it was going to be.
When I returned to my yoga practice it was really hard, mentally and physically. I'm used to being physically fit and it's hard when I can't do what used to be easy. I've been tempted to go on a really good power walk, but when I get home from school I am so spent from dealing with my students that I can barely get off the couch.
I've tried so hard to stop the negative internal dialogue, particularly the thoughts that I'm going to become fat* and even lazier. But I have to admit that when I fit into my favourite leggings the other day I felt a strange sense of accomplishment (I know it's just the swelling going down, I also felt so happy to button up my skinny jeans yesterday -- small victories, right?).
The war with my body has had so many different chapters. I started exercising because I had a poor self-image. I continued exercising because it helped when I was clinically depressed. I ramped up my yoga practice when I read that it would help with fertility and I've continued because I fell in love with how strong I felt after a good class.
I miss having the ninety minutes of peace that a class would bring me. I miss the endorphin high and the challenge. I miss sweating.
I've thought more than once that if I had to be IF for any longer it would be so nice to be completely healed so I could at least let my frustrations out in a class!
I feel like so many things are coming to a head in my life. I'm fed up with my body. I'm fed up with my class. And most of all, I'm fed up with being IF.
I want my body to be normal.
Is this too much to ask?
*Yes, I know that this is all in my head. Having a poor self-image is tough, I know.
6 February, 2012
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