Thoughts on vocation

I was one of those forever students. 

I did my B.A.

Then my Honours.

Then my M.A.

And then finally my B. Ed. 

I would love to finish off my Ph. D (which I started, but abandoned for my Education degree, that's another long story) or even start another M.A., but my student loans are even close to being paid off and I'd really like to move and get a nicer car one day in my future. 

One of the reasons why I did so much school was because I just didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. 

I toyed with the idea of being a journalist, an academic, a writer but none of them stuck. 

Teaching was the first thing that I did that felt right. 

The first class I taught was to some first year students. I felt like the clouds opened and that the angels started singing. I knew at that moment that I was meant to be a teacher.

Now I'm thinking because I feel so much love for this class, that perhaps that is all I'm meant to do.

Teach and love other peoples' children.

Perhaps that is what God and the universe is trying to teach me.

I don't know what kind of mother I would be if I had to teach full time. 

I don't know what kind of teacher I would be if I was a mother.

I invest so much time and energy into my work. I love (almost) every minute of it. I don't think I could put in the same effort if I had a family of my own.

Am I thinking this way because we will soon be TTC again? Am I trying to protect my heart from all of the heartache that preceded my drug-induced break? 

What I do know is that I'm scared. I also know that my heart and my head can't take much more disappointment. 

I do know that if given the chance I would give my career up in a second, with no regrets, no looking back. 

I want to have that choice. 

I really do. 

Overwhelmed

I don't usually get overwhelmed.

I'm a really good task manager, but with the arrival of AF, report cards and trying desperately to re-teach things to children that were absent (yes, my class got hit with H1N1) I haven't had the time to take a breath. 

My report cards are due on Monday and I haven't even finished teaching one of my math units. 

"But JellyBelly, you teach grade one, it should be easy to assess grade ones, right?"

Yes and no. 

The community I teach in is very involved with their children's education and I need empirical proof as to why I gave them the mark on their report card. In my teacher mind I know what they deserve, but I need a rubric to prove it.

Argh.

It also doesn't help that my cramps have been really bad the past couple of days and I've had to pump myself full of extra strength A.dvil. The cramps even woke me up at 4am!

It gets better right? 

I'm feeling most of the cramping on my right side and in my pelvis. Not surprising since my right side had so many adhesions and there's my friend the abscess in my posterior cul de sac.

I need a vacation. Or at least a mental health day.

Who would've thought that I would be looking forward to taking next Thursday off for an ultrasound????

A familiar feeling

So I have cramps.

Not the debilitating have to lie in bed with my heating pad, but cramps nonetheless. I've taken some A.dvil and it's taken the edge off, and it was half my usual, pre-surgery dose. I haven't had to drug myself every four to six hours.

Completely unheard of in my history of period pain management.

I guess that I expected some sort of cramping since my ladyparts have been in deep slumber for six months. It was quite unrealistic that I would get my period and feel absolutely nothing. Right?

It also doesn't help that I have a yeast infection and I have to wear a pad.

Sorry, TMI.

So all of you endo surgery survivors, how did your first period feel post-surgery? Does it get better?

Btw, we're jumping back on the TTC train. I'm getting my FSH levels checked tomorrow since my day three fell on a Sunday and our lab was closed. I'm hoping the eggies are doing okay, they've had a good long rest so hopefully they cooperate!

Hello old friend....

She's here.

Well, at least I saw dark brown this morning.

Definitely deserves a sticker on my chart (yes, TCIE & FJIEF I am officially back to charting!!!).

I hooted when I went to the bathroom this morning.

My noisy new neighbours must think I'm nuts, but who cares?

No cramps, although I took some A.dvil this morning as soon as I saw that my period was starting.

I don't remember ever being cramp-free.

Ever.

Btw, I've been feeling so down because I had convinced myself that I had Premature Ovarian Failure and that I had no more eggs and that I was definitely barren. I didn't blog about it because I felt a little crazy. So I'm feeling so much relief.

Today I was at an all day religious business-related meeting. I sang in the choir (which is one of my favourite things to do). As I sat listening to the mass the light was shining through the stained glass windows and I knew it was a sign. I've been asking for a sign from above for a LONG time.

My hope is renewed.

It isn't a coincidence that my meeting was today and that my period started on the same day. It wasn't just another Friday.

Now I can't wait to see what it's going to be like.

Will I have pain? Will I be able to function? Will I need my heating pad for the next week?

Who would have thought that after all these years of infertility that I would be so excited about getting my period!

Irony of ironies, eh?

p.s. Thanks for all of your encouragement in the recent past. I wouldn't have been able to get through the last little while without all of you!