30 October 2014

PTSD

Disclaimer: I'm warning you now, this is going to be a rambling and painful post.

If you know me in real life, perhaps you don't want to read this, and if you choose to continue, you may want to pretend that you didn't the next time you see me.

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I've had a rough week.

And thankfully (?) it isn't IF related.

Having Halloween at the end of a school week isn't helping either. My normally good class has been INSANE because of all of the build up to candy-fest. I cannot wait until I put all of the decorations away in my classroom.

Cannot wait.

For those of you that aren't Canadian, our country has had a rough week too.

Two soldiers were killed senselessly on our soil and it brought so much sadness. The younger of the two soldiers, who was a reservist, was laid to rest earlier this week. I will never forget the sad face of his little boy. I can't think of their families without crying. If you have a prayer to spare, please pray for their families.

And seemingly, more trivially, my beloved public broadcaster, has been mired in some controversy.

I don't want to get into details about what has transpired, all of you have G.oogle and social media, but the question of violence towards women has come up (I know this is an over-simplification, but it's late, I'm not a journalist and I'm spent).

I was wondering why I was getting more and more upset, more than usual, about this situation.

Then it hit me.

Like a ton of bricks.

I have PTSD.

All of this business has brought up horrible memories that I have tried to block out for the past twelve years.

I have mentioned my history on this blog -- if you're one of the lucky (?) people to have read me for a long time, you may recall the post from WAY back in 2011.

I try to forget that there was a life before Mr. JB. That there were no previous relationships before him.

But there were.

And this particular one was bad.

I know that I was not at fault. I know that I didn't deserve to be physically abused. I know that I have come out the other side better for it.

I remember thinking, "If I stay he's going to kill me."

But I stayed, I can't remember how much longer I did, but I didn't leave that same day that I had that thought.

But I am so sad and so angry that this is a part of my history, that this is part of the pain that I have buried deep within my heart.

I, like so many of the women that are involved in this particular situation, did not speak up. Did not report it. Did not tell anyone.

I'm educated. I come from a good, albeit crazy, family.

I knew better.

And here it stays, my secret.

Don't worry, I've told Mr. JB in vague detail, but I don't feel like he needs to carry my pain.

So, for the past week since the sordid details have come out about this particular Canadian celebrity, my shame has returned.

My anger and frustration that I have tried to deal with on my own has bubbled up to the surface. I feel like I've been on the brink of tears at all hours of the day.

(It also doesn't help that my thyroid meds are messed up. Stupid thyroid.)

I wish I was brave enough to post something on my FB wall about not blaming the victims. Or even to admit that I have suffered abuse at the hand of a so-called loved one, but I can't.

I'm staying silent to the public.

And it feels like the pain is growing.

I know I need professional help. I've done IF counselling and therapy before.

I know that this is a wake-up call to get my head checked again.

I am just so angry right now.

I wish that I didn't have this as a part of my story.

I wish that I didn't relate to these poor women.

I wish that I didn't carry these invisible scars on my soul.

I thought that IF was hard enough to deal with. At least with IF, I have a husband and a circle of friends that supports me through it.

I'm not really sure where I go from here, but I'm thinking this blog post is a start.

St. Jude, pray for me.




17 comments:

  1. Heart and prayers are with you.

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  2. (((Hugs))) and prayers for you <3

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  3. Prayers for you, sweet girl.

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  4. Oh JB, so many prayers for you today. I am so sorry that you have to carry this pain. I have a very close loved one who went through something very similar, and I know she had/has many of the same feelings that you do. Praying that God heals your heart.

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  5. I've been in a similar situation (relationship wise) and also have told my husband only vague details so I understand. I still haven't sought help for it. Maybe I should because sometimes it does still affect me. Anyway, I will keep you in my prayers, specifically to Saint JPII. May you find peace in your heart.

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  6. I will pray for your healing. I can relate to what you went through. You are not alone. --Kelly

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  7. I think therapy is a great idea. You are so brave for telling us! Hugs.

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  8. Hugs and prayers! Prayers for healing, that you are able to forgive yourself, and prayers of thanks for the wisdom and strength you have gained.

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  9. You are very brave...and strong to discuss your past. I feel getting some professional help would be good to help you let go of this secret that you have buried so deep down. You will feel so much better...you will be able to work on letting go and not letting the pain of the situation define your current life. I had stuff from my past that I had to work through myself and I thank God for a good therapist in helping me. Praying for you!

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  10. Love you friend!!! You have been in my prayers...if you need me I'm just an iMessage away!!

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  11. Oh hon. Love you and hate that you hurt. I am a huge advocate of getting some counselling, just to talk things out and have someone who isn't connected to your life be there for you

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  12. JB, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize the magnitude of what you went through from your previous post. Yes, why not seek counseling? I don't think everyone has to go public with every difficult thing in their lives, but I think it does help to be able to talk about it to someone when you feel you need to.

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  13. Hi- I would like to request prayers for the victims of rape and abuse by members of the Catholic Church. Many of them were children when they were attacked or abused. This is also an ongoing crisis, with new victims each year, worldwide. I will remember them and their stories forever, but for the healing to truly take place, it will take the voices and efforts of many.

    To paraphrase a poem by an Indian schoolgirl, "Too many Catholics, in too many countries, speak the same language-- of silence." Thank you.

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    1. I received that same anonymous comment on my blog. Though I deleted the comment from the combox I decided to use it as the focus of a well researched (in my humble opinion) article on the abuse crisis that our world (not just any one church) faces. I think you (“Anonymous” or anyone else) will find it to be an open, honest and fair look into the real crisis of sexual abuse in our country.

      In Christ,
      Dave Manthei

      http://daves-ahumbleservant.blogspot.com/2014/12/the-sex-abuse-crisis-what-are.html

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  14. JellyBelly, I just read your post and I am so sorry that you have had to carry this pain with you, and that you will continue to have to deal with it. May God bless you richly, and may St. Jude intercede for you as requested.

    In Christ,
    Dave

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  15. Hello, JB. I know we keep in touch from time to time on fb, but I have been so very absent for so very long from the blogs and from the lives of the ones who have come to mean so much to me. I am so sorry that I didn't see this post until now.

    You are such an amazing, inspiring, young woman and SO strong! Thank you for the witness of the post you've written here...

    A couple of months ago, I was asked (somewhat out of the blue) if I suffer from PTSD. I had to admit that, until that moment, I really hadn't thought about the possibility... I had to come face to face with that reality in my own life and so my heart goes out to you right now. My situation was not one of physical, but of emotional and sexual abuse, but I SO hear your heart! I've asked myself many times why I did not leave... He was a cop. He told me that I would never be. Guess I proved him wrong... ;)

    IF is difficult and (yes) we do have support - by God's grace - but this pain that we carry within will eventually overwhelm us if we do not let LIGHT shine into this darkness! This post is a strong, first step, but I would agree with those who encourage you to seek counseling. I would also encourage you to find a priest who will help you with healing prayers (healing the family tree, generational healing, etc...).

    HUGE hugs to you, my friend! If you ever need a shoulder (even just to cry on), I'll be here.

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  16. Bless you, I'm with you in my prayers. There comes a time, when you need to share your most intimate thoughts and make a cry to those who is ready to listen.
    In Jesus,
    Nelly

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