17 September 2012

It seems like everything in my life is saying no to me.

I wish that I could return to the blogworld with happy news, or even a more positive outlook.

But I can't.

And I'm worried that if I don't return to blogging that I will lose my mind.

So here I am, after almost a month away -- which I needed. My mental state needed the break, and I was feeling so low and angry that I didn't want to sully the internets with my negativity.

Btw, the situation that I asked for all of you to pray for is getting better. I couldn't decide whether or not to share what was going on (another excuse as to why I took my break), and after much prayer and contemplation I decided that I'm not going to. The situation is better and I know that your prayers helped. Maybe one day I will be ready to blog about it, but right now I can't.

You can probably guess from the tone of this post that my trigger cycle didn't result in a miraculous pregnancy. That cycle only got to Peak +9 -- yes, even with progesterone supplementation. I decided that since my luteal phase was so short that I would take the next cycle off and I'm P+10 of my break cycle number one.

I really needed the break.

And it seems as though my break is going to be a little longer since we got some more bad results today at the doctor's office.

Not only is my AMH level really low (it's 0.16ng/mL where it needs to be more than 0.69 to be considered normal), but now Mr. JB's most recent seminal fluid analysis was not good. In fact, it was horrible. His count was low, there wasn't any motility and the morphology was only 61%.

Despite all of this, our Napro doctor isn't sounding the alarm. She wants me to take two more months off, so no trigger shots and just post-Peak HCG for me since my PMS has been so bad that I fear for the lives of those close to me. She wants us to repeat the SFA in six weeks (which I'm sure will come out normal, Mr. JB has done five other SFA's and they were all normal).

On our way home I admitted to Mr. JB that I think that God does not want us to be biological parents. All factors are pointing to no, there is not denying it. I have low ovarian reserve and now we have no sperm. I honestly felt like God was kicking me in the teeth.

And for the first time in a LONG time, IF brought me to tears.

Thank God for big, dark sunglasses.

It also doesn't help that I feel like I'm in a spiritual desert. Mr. JB and I feel like we've been completely abandoned. It's hard to admit it, but I can barely pray anymore. I'm going through the motions and I'm just not feeling it.

In the past month I've had a failed cycle, my best friend moved away, and we started school (thank God, my class is so good!). I'm not even going to get into the labour unrest for our province's teachers. I can't barely watch the news or read the paper because it stresses me out so much.

I keep telling myself that I've had almost a year of pain-free living. I am so grateful for having that, but I would be lying if I didn't say that it isn't enough.

I am so grateful for your prayers, your comments and your e-mails. The blogging community has been such a blessing. I hope that this phase passes with my whole self intact. Unfortunately, I know that it isn't going to be pretty. 


35 comments:

  1. Ah, sweetie. So sorry to hear how hard things are lately. Praying for comfort and direction for you.

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  2. I am so sorry. Praying for you! *hugs*

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  3. I'm so sorry JP. Praying for you.

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  4. I'm sorry that everything is turning out so poorly with your cycle and with your husbands SA. Just so sorry. I continue to keep you in my prayers.

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  5. I'm so sorry.... I've been watching for this update. Sometimes, life in the desert really really sux. I will continue to pray for you!!!

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  6. I'm sorry you are getting all this news! I can say from personal experience, though, that your husband's recent SFA numbers are not the worst. My husband's was even worse than that, and his morphology was somewhere around 20-30% good sperm, which meant 70% were wonky. And, here we are 7 months pregnant. So, even with all that is being thrown your way, there is still hope. Praying for you.

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  7. great quote at the end, it is so true! I am still praying for you

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  8. He surely has you walking through a terrible storm. I must be terribly honest here. I cannot help but wonder if you should really kick in the adoption process and that does NOT mean you give up hope at being biological parents someday! But WHAT IF God is waiting patiently for you to look at another avenue?

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  9. Prayers for you and your husband coming your way!

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  10. Praying for you during this difficult time.

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  11. I am praying that He just comforts you and you fell all His love..I am so sorry its been so tough. IF sucks.

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  12. This is hard. :( I am so sorry. Definitely still praying for you.

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  13. I am so sorry JB. More than words can say.
    I love you and I'm praying for you!

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  14. Ah lady, I'm glad you took a break, its good to walk away when you need to.

    I remember walking all through Montreal from west mount all down town and back to NDG, entire time crying, wearing sunglasses in the rain, I remember how broken I felt, and I hate to think of you in that pain.

    Maybe the message isn't "your not meant to have biological children", maybe it's "your meant to adopt first".

    Hugs,

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  15. This breaks my heart, JB. I wish the summer could have been different for you. But, I have no doubt that God has plans for you. Wonderful plans!

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  16. My heart is breaking for you and I have tears for you, too. It is just.so.hard. Also, I'm sorry that you feel so spiritually dry. Keep praying. It is a test, but continue to love Him.

    Personally, I hate the ANA. Hate it. :(

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  17. I'm so sorry JB... I'm praying for you.

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  18. Ahhh! This was supposed to be the baby conceived in America and then we could have sent you funny baby gifts and joke that she needed an American passport.

    Praying hard for you!

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  19. Oh, hon. :(.

    I'm not praying much, either, but God is with us both, of that I am sure.

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  20. I'll be praying for you and thinking of you. Thanks for praying for me.

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  21. So hear to hear what a fought time you are having. I've been having a hard time praying myself too. Many nights I have to force myself to do it. This storm will pass and you WILL find out Gods plan for you...it just might take awhile. Sending a lot of prayers your way! (it is easier to pray for others than praying for myself and getting no where )

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  22. Stupid iPad..* sorry and rough :)

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  23. Sorry it's been rough! I like the graphic, and I think it's so true.

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  24. Oh goodness...don't even get me started on what is going on with the teachers...eeek! Everytime I go to a staff mtg I begin wondering why I became a teacher myself..oh yeah..the Lord wants me to do this. HE never told me that it would easy.

    I know what you mean about everything pointing to the "no". I get it... I really do and it sucks...like big donkey balls. Praying for you my sweet Canadian friend. :)

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  25. I'm so, so sorry, and I'm praying for you as always, sweetie.

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  26. I hate that you are hurting. :( I remember those dark days very clearly. You prayed for me when I couldn't pray for myself, and hoped for me when I couldn't hope for myself, and you can count on me to do the same for you. Those times when God feels far away, remember that he is in the prayers and hugs of those who love you. Like me. :)

    Oh, and dude, when somebody invents teleporting, we are gonna hang out all the time and it will be awesome. :)

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  27. Continued prayers are coming your way as you walk this dark part of your journey. You WILL see the light JB.

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  28. Oh, JB, I've been so worried about you. I will continue to pray for you. If you want to hang out ever, just let me know, I would love to. There is a new organic grocery store near me with a 'deli' that would be fun to eat in with you. Or I'll come to your end of the City, whatever you like.
    Hugs.

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  29. Sending lots of love and prayers your way JB. I am so sorry its been such a difficult time for. The last few months have felt really intense for so many of us. I know that He will carry us through it all. Praying.

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  30. I'm keeping in you my thoughts and prayers.

    I love the quote you posted at the end. Whether you think of it as a test, or seasoning, or tempering, perhaps the best we can hope for is to remember that this time will end, even though it seems to last forever and we cannot see its end.

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  31. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Sending hugs and prayers your way!

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  32. I am so sorry. Praying for you.

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  33. I'm so very sorry. I was/am praying so hard for y'all.

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