Impatiently Waiting

One would think that after over four years of waiting that I would be good at it.

Perhaps it has to do with being an only child. Instant gratification was something that I was used to as a kid. I had the undivided attention of both of my parents! I also had the extra benefit of being the first female grandchild on my mother's side and the first Canadian born on my father's.

Although it was a relief to be on my L.upron-enforced TTC break in many respects, I'm starting to feel quite anxious now that I'm in the post-peak phase of my cycle. I'm also being constantly reminded of my infertility.

On Saturday we attended the first Christmas party of the season. We were the only married couple that was childless. Thankfully there was only one pg woman there and no little babies.

Little babies are always the worst.

I also had a new haircut and an apparent weight-loss that all of Mr. JB's relatives commented on (I missed last year's party because I was horribly sick). So many of Mr. JB's aunts said how great I looked and refrained from making comments about how having disease cut out of one's body is a great way to lose weight!

For the first time I didn't get down on the ground to play with the little kids. I just couldn't handle being the fun barren auntie. It also didn't help that Mr. JB's cousin's wife is the one that doesn't like me (she's the one that fed me burnt hot dogs at her son's baptism and had the audacity to make Mr. JB apologize for her mistake). At one point in the evening my rice crackers went missing and I almost lost it!

So today we took the day off to go to a couple of doctor's appointments. We visited the infectious disease doctor first. He got the official report from the ultrasound place in the city and I was discharged from his care. It was great to hear from a second person that the abscess is gone! He also said that he can't imagine the abscess coming back and that he expects me to be in fine health now that everything has resolved.

I actually danced in the hallway as we left. It's safe to say that I have never danced while leaving a doctor's office!

Our second appointment of the day was at our Napro doctor's office. Although she's a wonderful doctor we always have to wait a long time to see her. She has walk-in hours in the morning and then she has appointments in the afternoon. Although our appointment time was at 12:30pm we didn't see her until 1:30! I was disappointed because we wanted to check out a really good outlet mall in that part of the city and we couldn't because I had to get back for a meeting at 4pm.

Dr. T only had good things to tell us. The only worrisome piece of news was that my FSH level was a little on the high side. My theory was that it was a 10 because my ovaries weren't responding as well since I was on L.upron for almost six months. I was also pretty stressed out about my period coming! The last time my FSH tested high was when I was battling with an annoying parent (which I totally forgot until Mr. JB reminded me).

Dr. T also told us that I don't have to use the mucus enhancers since my CM was so good so far! I'm so glad that I have one less medication that I have to take!

So this is the game plan:

- continue with the vaginal progesterone (which is making me SOOO tired!) until Peak +12
- get my Peak +7 blood drawn tomorrow
- call Dr. T's office on Thursday to see if I should start F.emara for my next cycle based on my Peak +7 bloodwork
- continue with the L.ow D.ose N.altrexone
- and as Dr. I said, "Try really hard."

I wish that I felt more hopeful. Right now my boobs hurt, I'm exhausted and I'm grumpy. Could be PMS or not. I know that I'm only Peak +6 today so I can't predict anything.

One last thing: I attended a T.wilight Re.treat for my family of schools. At one point in the evening we went outside and some reflections were read and ALL of them dealt with infertility! Hanna, Elizabeth and Sarah were all mentioned! I know that there are no coincidences. I'm convinced that someone was trying to get through to me!!

p.s. Could you please pray for my father-in-law? His doctor has found some spots on his prostate and he has to have radiation. He's so calm about it, but I don't know if it's an act or if he's genuinely not worried. I'm trying not to freak out, but it's tough. He's a wonderful man and has raised two equally wonderful men.