Coming Clean

Mr. JB and I are celebrating our annual do nothing day. I'm still wearing my pj's and it's almost 8pm! Woohoo!

I've been looking forward to this day since our vacation started. I know that I already started griping early on, but it really hasn't gotten any better. I've tried to put on a happy face but I just feel like I'm walking through a very sad, thick fog.

Saturday was the worst.

Christmas with my family with Mr. JB's family around was fun. My family is loud and full of life which is the total opposite of what it's like when I'm around the in-laws. I was quite apprehensive since I was afraid that my father-in-law (who was quite miserable since his cataract operation) wouldn't have any fun and also the majority of my relatives speak English very poorly. Fortunately my crazy mother and father sat with him most of the evening and he was quite happy with the evening.

And it went downhill from there.

I know from what Mr. JB has told me that my FIL has a tendency to take his stress out on the people that he cares about. His cataract surgery plus his impending cancer treatments coupled with the steady decline of his girlfriend has obviously taken it's toll on him. It seemed like everything that I did, cooked, watched on television was wrong. I cooked dinner on Christmas Eve and he proceeded to tell me that I didn't do it properly (although Mr. JB says that he didn't say it outright, but he did say, "I wouldn't do it that way.").

I also know that this particular Christmas has been really tough on me and I've been really hyper-sensitive emotionally. I was watching O.prah today and I started to tear up when this little girl was interviewing T.aylor S.wift! What is wrong with me???

I've been trying to hold it together and seem like I'm enjoying my holiday, but it is getting more and more difficult.

So as I was having lunch on Saturday I got tired of hearing my FIL complain about how bad the TV we were watching was and I said, "Well if it's so bad why don't you turn it off?"

It was the first time I have ever used an angry tone with him in the 6 1/2 years I've been with Mr. JB, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

Then my brother-in-law said, "Well just as long as you don't put on the C.BC."

And that's when I lost it.

[For those of you non-Canucks out there, the C.BC is our national public broadcaster, which I absolutely love. Mr. JB's family has this strange dislike of the network which I will never completely understand.]

I got up from the table even though I wasn't finished my lunch and I stormed down to the laundry room (I didn't really need to wash clothes, but it was the only refuge that I could find in my tiny house) while slamming every door that I could. When I stormed up the stairs to our bedroom Mr. JB came up to comfort me. I'm so glad that he stuck up for me. He reminded his family that they were in my house and that they had to be more respectful. We left for a couple of hours to go grocery shopping so I could take a breather.

I'd like to believe that my in-laws were better behaved yesterday, but I was just happy to see them leave so I could have my house back to myself.

I spent last night helping out at the annual Christmas carol celebration that my parish runs in conjunction with a few others in the neighbourhood. The event ends in our church hall and I was working in the kitchen. Although I love helping at this event that raises money for our local outreach centre/food bank I think every year that I can't wait to have a baby so I won't have to anymore. It's the fourth time I've helped out and the third time I've been barren.

My holidays have been particularly difficult because we got news that my husband's best friend's wife is expecting a girl. I've mentioned them before (their first child was born with a cleft palate a couple of years ago) and they have been having some serious marital issues. Mr. JB's friend has been having blood pressure issues due to stress and his wife doesn't seem to be helping at all. They are also having some money issues as well.

Honestly, I think that I would get pregnant instantly if Mr. JB and I started fighting and if we went into serious debt. All of this stability and marital happiness doesn't seem to equate into any fertility around here.

Mr. JB also just got off the phone with one of his friends who just had a baby. They were married THREE years after us.

I am so absolutely jealous and envious of any fertile right now. I wish that I could rise above it, but I can't. It also doesn't help that I'm at the middle of my cycle and I haven't seen any fertile CM as of yet.

I don't want to start 2010 with this horrible attitude. Then again, I can't wait to see the end of 2009. Although I may have learned the reasons behind my infertility, it hasn't made it any easier to deal with.

I need some chocolate. ASAP.