28 December 2009

Coming Clean

Mr. JB and I are celebrating our annual do nothing day. I'm still wearing my pj's and it's almost 8pm! Woohoo!

I've been looking forward to this day since our vacation started. I know that I already started griping early on, but it really hasn't gotten any better. I've tried to put on a happy face but I just feel like I'm walking through a very sad, thick fog.

Saturday was the worst.

Christmas with my family with Mr. JB's family around was fun. My family is loud and full of life which is the total opposite of what it's like when I'm around the in-laws. I was quite apprehensive since I was afraid that my father-in-law (who was quite miserable since his cataract operation) wouldn't have any fun and also the majority of my relatives speak English very poorly. Fortunately my crazy mother and father sat with him most of the evening and he was quite happy with the evening.

And it went downhill from there.

I know from what Mr. JB has told me that my FIL has a tendency to take his stress out on the people that he cares about. His cataract surgery plus his impending cancer treatments coupled with the steady decline of his girlfriend has obviously taken it's toll on him. It seemed like everything that I did, cooked, watched on television was wrong. I cooked dinner on Christmas Eve and he proceeded to tell me that I didn't do it properly (although Mr. JB says that he didn't say it outright, but he did say, "I wouldn't do it that way.").

I also know that this particular Christmas has been really tough on me and I've been really hyper-sensitive emotionally. I was watching O.prah today and I started to tear up when this little girl was interviewing T.aylor S.wift! What is wrong with me???

I've been trying to hold it together and seem like I'm enjoying my holiday, but it is getting more and more difficult.

So as I was having lunch on Saturday I got tired of hearing my FIL complain about how bad the TV we were watching was and I said, "Well if it's so bad why don't you turn it off?"

It was the first time I have ever used an angry tone with him in the 6 1/2 years I've been with Mr. JB, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

Then my brother-in-law said, "Well just as long as you don't put on the C.BC."

And that's when I lost it.

[For those of you non-Canucks out there, the C.BC is our national public broadcaster, which I absolutely love. Mr. JB's family has this strange dislike of the network which I will never completely understand.]

I got up from the table even though I wasn't finished my lunch and I stormed down to the laundry room (I didn't really need to wash clothes, but it was the only refuge that I could find in my tiny house) while slamming every door that I could. When I stormed up the stairs to our bedroom Mr. JB came up to comfort me. I'm so glad that he stuck up for me. He reminded his family that they were in my house and that they had to be more respectful. We left for a couple of hours to go grocery shopping so I could take a breather.

I'd like to believe that my in-laws were better behaved yesterday, but I was just happy to see them leave so I could have my house back to myself.

I spent last night helping out at the annual Christmas carol celebration that my parish runs in conjunction with a few others in the neighbourhood. The event ends in our church hall and I was working in the kitchen. Although I love helping at this event that raises money for our local outreach centre/food bank I think every year that I can't wait to have a baby so I won't have to anymore. It's the fourth time I've helped out and the third time I've been barren.

My holidays have been particularly difficult because we got news that my husband's best friend's wife is expecting a girl. I've mentioned them before (their first child was born with a cleft palate a couple of years ago) and they have been having some serious marital issues. Mr. JB's friend has been having blood pressure issues due to stress and his wife doesn't seem to be helping at all. They are also having some money issues as well.

Honestly, I think that I would get pregnant instantly if Mr. JB and I started fighting and if we went into serious debt. All of this stability and marital happiness doesn't seem to equate into any fertility around here.

Mr. JB also just got off the phone with one of his friends who just had a baby. They were married THREE years after us.

I am so absolutely jealous and envious of any fertile right now. I wish that I could rise above it, but I can't. It also doesn't help that I'm at the middle of my cycle and I haven't seen any fertile CM as of yet.

I don't want to start 2010 with this horrible attitude. Then again, I can't wait to see the end of 2009. Although I may have learned the reasons behind my infertility, it hasn't made it any easier to deal with.

I need some chocolate. ASAP.


  1. What's your address, I'm going to send you all the chocolate sitting around my house that I can't have a several weeks!!

    Honest to Pete, your FIL and my FIL were made for each other. (:P )

    I cannot wait for 2010, either. Really, just the end of 2009. What a year. Then again, it's the year I met so many of you wonderful ladies, so it wasn't ALL bad.

    Oh, and trust me, fighting constantly and being broke doesn't always equal fertility. Maybe if we walk away from the Church to boot, we'll have the "winning" combination ;)

  2. Being around the IL's can be just so stressful, especially when one is being ornory. Sorry that happened in your own house!

    Christmas time the last few years has been so hard for me. Sometimes I just wish that Christmas was more like Easter with the focus on Jesus instead of seeing family, presents, etc.

    This year you have learned so much, but I know it feels like you aren't any closer to a BFP, but you are!

  3. So sorry about your in-laws. I bet you're glad to get your house back to yourselves. And I CAN'T WAIT for 2009 to end! This was the worst year ever. Not that a new calendar year will automatically make things get better, but at least it will be symbolic.

    And I'm very impressed that doing nothing is such a rare event that you have a day to celebrate it! I should have an annual "do something" day since doing nothing is my norm!

  4. Ugg, I'm so sorry!

    I had a horrible Christmas at my inlaws! It was painful! I ended up leaving with Waffle to drive around BY MYSELF on Christmas to look at the lights. I thought I was going to bust with anxiety. It was a horrible visit.

    I'm sorry you are so down! But you are endo free, you are so much better now then you were last year! I'm not sure what surgery does to our minds. I think it should make us more hopeful but it doesn't. :( When we have all the hope in the world! :)

  5. I'm sorry you had such a rough time with your in-laws :(.

    I've been self-medicating with chocolate myself! It works :).

    I hope your New Year starts off on the right foot! (Oh, and an annual do nothing day is completely awesome!!!)

  6. Sorry that you had a rough time with the ILs. I'm glad that your DH stuck up for you.

  7. YEAHHH DH, way to stick up for your lady!!
    My in-laws speak very little english as well, so when I go there for dinner they speak about me and what I do wrong but its in a different language so I just sit there oblivious (I prefer it that way) Every once and a while though my DH will jump in and stick up for me :)

    Sorry your feeling so sad these days, hopefully I day of bumming around will help you ring in the new year feeling more positive. I know what your saying though, it seems like it would be easier to get pregnant if we had crappy marriages and were in debt or addicted to substances. Contrary to the lullaby being in a healthy loving relationship has not made it easier to get pregnant.

    I have a good feeling though about next year, for all of us, it really is the beginning o a new decade, and exciting decade! 2010, what a great year to get knocked up!!! I wish you a very lucky and happy 2010 with a BFP!!!

  8. I agree that insulting the CBC should be met with rage and anger, how freaking rude (I too heart the cbc).
    It is my mother that makes me crazy at Christmas and she can do it from miles away (we spent Christmas alone this time to try and destress and it was a bad one full of my mothers manipulate crap).

  9. I am so sorry you had such a rough Christmas!!! I am so glad to hear your Dh stuck up for you :) What a sweetheart! A day of lounging in your P.J's sounds like just what you need...I hope it helps to cheer you up just a tad bit more. I agree with TCIE, at least this last year we all got to meet each other. i know that is one of the best experinces I have had while dealing with IF. I wish I had an IV of chocolate I could send you ;)

    Many prayers,

  10. Hey,
    What a rough time! (Your hubby sounds great, though.) Hope that you've been able to recover a bit on your "do nothing day".

  11. You have an AWESOME DH and just remember you'd rather be barren with him that fertile in those other horrible marriages/relationships. At least that is what I tell myself when everyone under the sun is popping out kids in all the wrong circumstances.

    Your Christmas sounded rough, but it is passed now, and you SURVIVED!!!

    I am so hopeful for you,J, I really am. I know it doesn't help one iota when others are hopeful for us (in fact it can be annoying at times) but I especially feel hopeful for you right now. Don't let the devil come in and steal away all that hope that you went through so much to arrive at. You survived all those horrible years of endo pain, followed by lupron, then not one but 2 surgeries, followed by MORE lupron. And NOW ... well NOW you are starting over and remember you got new gear this time.

    I cannot wait for your BFP post!

  12. I gotta go with Lifehopes right now.

    And fertiles suck.