23 December 2009

I'm a pouting JellyBelly

What is wrong with me?

I should be so happy that I'm on vacation and that it's almost 11am and I'm still in my pj's.

But I'm not.

I feel like a petulant brat right now.

And do you know what set me off?

If you scroll down my blog roll you'll see a section that's called, "Sometimes I like to forget that I'm barren." A couple of days ago the first blog's post title was, Very Happy Nine-Month News.

Of course this blogger, who is not an IF blogger, got pregnant on her honeymoon.


Of course, like the self-flagellating infertile that I am, I read the post when I should've gotten up from the computer and had some chocolate. Or a drink.

Btw, I've had a couple glasses of wine in the past two days. I couldn't help it. I cracked. And man, it was good! Even if it was wine in a tetra pack!

I've also been particularly pouty because we've been at my father-in-law's place for a day longer than I wanted to. He had a cataract removed on Monday (with no complications) and I really wanted to be home yesterday since I had presents to wrap and baking to do. He was feeling a little nervous about his eye so he asked to stay one more night. I'm trying not to feel too stressed out about it, but I know that I have a mountain of things waiting for me.

My FIL has also been phoning his friends to tell him about the spots in his prostate. For some reason it didn't sink in that he was actually sick until now. He starts radiation on January 4th and will have about 38 treatments. We're lucky that he has a good network of people in the village that he lives in since it would be really difficult for myself or Mr. JB to take so much time off. Apparently he will be able to drive home after his treatments at the start, but he may start to feel ill three weeks into the radiation.

I'm feeling quite overwhelmed at the thought of him being sick. Although he's 73, he's hardly ever sick and is so active. When my friends meet him they're quite surprised to learn his age since he's so full of life. I know that his prognosis is good and that the doctors are very confident (also one of his closest friends had the same diagnosis a couple of years ago and is completely recovered) that he will be just fine.

His girlfriend (yes, the one that Mr. JB and I don't like) is also declining in health. She had a series of mini-strokes earlier this year and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I cannot believe how rapidly her condition is deterioriating. She phoned this morning and was all confused because she couldn't find my FIL's phone number.

I feel especially bad since I don't really like my FIL's girlfriend. She has given me a hard time since we got engaged and I have no idea why. Mr. JB has had a rocky relationship with her as well, but he has loads more patience than I do.

And to top it off I'm also feeling strange pain in my pelvis. I have no idea what is going on down there. I'm on CD 8 and I don't think that it's cramps since I hardly had any this time around. I'm petrified that the abscess or the endo is growing back.

What it boils down to is that I'm scared. And I'm also tired.

I feel resentful that instead of feeling all happy, jolly and Christmassy I'm feeling like a sad, infertile baby.

Okay, I have to surrender the computer to my newly-F.acebook addicted husband. Hopefully getting his off of my chest will make me feel better.

p.s. I'll post about my prayer buddy later!


  1. Have another glass of wine. I don't blame you for being scared.

    The holidays are tough. Be kinder to yourself, my friend. You are not a petulant brat. You are not being a baby, either.

    I hope your FIL does well with his radiation.

  2. The hardest part for me about being infertile is being kind to me, it took a long long time for me to realize that it was okay for me to be angry or sad or any emotion at all for any reason at all (and yes, someone getting knocked up on their honeymoon is a reason to be sad and angry and everything). when I stopped fighting all those feelings (and stopped feeling guilty) they slowly went away (but still pop up every now and then - when I read about the woman who got knocked up on her honey mooon I thought "that lucky bi-transcanadahighway probably has no idea how upset she can make us and miss jB").
    so it is okay to be misserable, even at christmas.
    I hear you on the endo worries, every twitch I get is the same fear, oh no what if scarey infection is back....

  3. I agree that you should be gentle with yourself. Try to enjoy your time off! I get such mixed emotions when I'm home. It hasn't been easy for me either. I pray that you have a blessed Christmas.

  4. Don't worry it's 335pm here and I haven't even made it in the shower and I'm still wearing the clothes I wore yesterday! Go figure! I have NO excuse for such laziness! Other then I can so I do. :)

    I was the same way when I first got out of surgery. On edge, I couldn't heal fast enough, every ache and pain freaked me out. But a few of the bloggers would always tell me to "relax", I know don't hate me for saying it, that it is just going to take your body time to heal. Be gentle with the healing process.

    I have great hope for you!

  5. okay this is interesting you blog about that pregnant blogger because, for some odd reason, I had decided to check out some of those blogs on your list just yesterday and BAM got slapped right in the face with that one!!! Ouch!!

    I really hate honeymoon pregnancies (well you know what I mean, not that I hate the babies, just feel extra jealous since that is what I wanted).

    I am sorry about your FIL.

    I hope things get better and you have a better Christmas than you expect.

  6. Oh and I also had some pain after surgery. It is common to have ovulation pain, sometimes very painful ovulation pain, those first few cycles. I know you are only CD8, but those ovaries are already at work with this cycles follice. Does it feel like its on the right or left side? If it does, I bet its ovulation pain.

    I hope and pray there's no abscess!!

  7. I noticed crazy ovulation pain this cycle, after my surgery, and it didn't even remove anything. Lifehopes is probably right that it's just your ovaries gearing up.

    It's ok to be upset and disappointed that someone got pregnant on their honeymoon, especially with the stuff you've gone through trying. Hugs.

  8. oh I'm so sorry you got "hit" it's so hard to be infertile this time of year. prayers to you!

  9. I had a similar experience with a blog yesterday (her second). It's hard. *hug*

    Thinking of you and wishing you (iner) peace at Chstistmas!