What is wrong with me?
I should be so happy that I'm on vacation and that it's almost 11am and I'm still in my pj's.
But I'm not.
I feel like a petulant brat right now.
And do you know what set me off?
If you scroll down my blog roll you'll see a section that's called, "Sometimes I like to forget that I'm barren." A couple of days ago the first blog's post title was, Very Happy Nine-Month News.
Of course this blogger, who is not an IF blogger, got pregnant on her honeymoon.
Of course, like the self-flagellating infertile that I am, I read the post when I should've gotten up from the computer and had some chocolate. Or a drink.
Btw, I've had a couple glasses of wine in the past two days. I couldn't help it. I cracked. And man, it was good! Even if it was wine in a tetra pack!
I've also been particularly pouty because we've been at my father-in-law's place for a day longer than I wanted to. He had a cataract removed on Monday (with no complications) and I really wanted to be home yesterday since I had presents to wrap and baking to do. He was feeling a little nervous about his eye so he asked to stay one more night. I'm trying not to feel too stressed out about it, but I know that I have a mountain of things waiting for me.
My FIL has also been phoning his friends to tell him about the spots in his prostate. For some reason it didn't sink in that he was actually sick until now. He starts radiation on January 4th and will have about 38 treatments. We're lucky that he has a good network of people in the village that he lives in since it would be really difficult for myself or Mr. JB to take so much time off. Apparently he will be able to drive home after his treatments at the start, but he may start to feel ill three weeks into the radiation.
I'm feeling quite overwhelmed at the thought of him being sick. Although he's 73, he's hardly ever sick and is so active. When my friends meet him they're quite surprised to learn his age since he's so full of life. I know that his prognosis is good and that the doctors are very confident (also one of his closest friends had the same diagnosis a couple of years ago and is completely recovered) that he will be just fine.
His girlfriend (yes, the one that Mr. JB and I don't like) is also declining in health. She had a series of mini-strokes earlier this year and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I cannot believe how rapidly her condition is deterioriating. She phoned this morning and was all confused because she couldn't find my FIL's phone number.
I feel especially bad since I don't really like my FIL's girlfriend. She has given me a hard time since we got engaged and I have no idea why. Mr. JB has had a rocky relationship with her as well, but he has loads more patience than I do.
And to top it off I'm also feeling strange pain in my pelvis. I have no idea what is going on down there. I'm on CD 8 and I don't think that it's cramps since I hardly had any this time around. I'm petrified that the abscess or the endo is growing back.
What it boils down to is that I'm scared. And I'm also tired.
I feel resentful that instead of feeling all happy, jolly and Christmassy I'm feeling like a sad, infertile baby.
Okay, I have to surrender the computer to my newly-F.acebook addicted husband. Hopefully getting his off of my chest will make me feel better.
p.s. I'll post about my prayer buddy later!