4 December 2009

Dear Fertile Friend...

Dear Fertile Friend,

First off, I'd like to wish you a very happy birthday! I hope that your hubby and daughter are doing something really fun!

I know that we've been out of touch in the past little while. Life has been so busy for the both of us, I'm sure. I can't believe that M is already is senior kindergarten! Where did time go? 

So my mom told me the great news! How exciting that you're pregnant again! I was even more surprised because the last time we spoke you were already pregnant. Can I ask why you didn't mention it to me? Just because I've been trying to start my family for the past four and a half years doesn't mean that I can't be happy for you. Now that I've had all of the endometriosis removed we're actually quite hopeful of our chances. 

I hope that this message finds you well.

Happy birthday again!



Don't worry, I'm not sending this message. I would like to, but I won't.  It would totally go against my thinking positively experiment, right?

I will send an e-mail. Sometime today. 

The question is, how will she respond? 

Why do fertile friends do this? 


  1. I don't know why they do it. Or why they think it is ok to do it.

    Good luck with the response.

  2. Good Luck, I don't even bother anymore with em! :)

  3. Fun. Gotta love the avoiding game they play. Our friends didn't tell us until 2 months before their first baby was due!!! Isn't that just weird?

  4. Does she know that you are trying - if so they dont know how to react or what to do sometimes (not making excuses for them - but seen it lots ). I don't get this as no one knows that we are trying so I just get told all the good news straight up - not sure which is better - them caring to with hold or them telling you?

  5. Oh Duck, she definitely knows that we've been trying since our wedding night! It took her ten months to conceive her first and it almost killed her. I honestly thought that she would have more sensitivity since she had a small taste of what IFers go through!

  6. How annoying. I love that some of my friends call me and tell me really early on. Or make me one of the special ones that know before many others. I remember the one that emailed me at work, that was awful, I thought that work was my safe haven.

  7. I honestly don't know what's worse... the withholding info to "shield" the poor barren friend game, or the advertising all over tarnation that you are starting to TTC/ or that you are knocked up (aka my cousin). Both are just truly obnoxious and insensitive.

    Why don't people get that a nice, personal phone call is the way to go with this type of stuff??? WTH, it's not that hard, people!!!

  8. I actually wrote quite a similar letter to my two best fertile friends. I told them I love them and that I'm happy for them, but that I needed to be away from them for a while. I was totally honest in my reasons, and told them I will write when I'm feeling better and would like to reconnect.......I thought they would think I was a whiney $#%$#%! but they both understood and were happy that I told them what I felt, they were actually a little proud of me. Honesty IS part of positive thinking :)

  9. I just wrote a post about fertile friends too!

    I agree with ThisCross, both options suck. Either they hide it from you or rub it in your face.

    If your friend knows your TTC, she could have been more sensitive towards you. Fertiles just don't know how to deal with infertiles since in our society pregnancy is just taken for granted.

  10. I'd go with tishi's option and just tweak the email you sent a little bit.

  11. Ugh, so sorry. I just realized today that I have THREE pregnant co-workers! How am I going to get through this year??? I really don't know. Three is a lot for my small school. Oh Lord, help us all.

  12. I know fertiles are in a darned if you do, darned if you don't situation, but after reading a lot of musings and thinking about it myself I decided that what *I* think they should do is email me and tell me. Then if I have to sob or stab a voodoo doll of them while I'm writing "CONGRATULATIONS!!!! That's such wonderful news! Praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby!" they can't tell, which is good for everybody. Then, IMO, *I* get to decide when (if ever) a phone call to discuss it live is appropriate. That avoids the twin terrors of me finding out that everyone else has known for months (which, BTW, happens to me IRL all the time - and I stop initiating any contact with those people, because I just cannot be bothered), or having to congratulate them exuberantly in public with no time to compose myself. I'm not a bad liar but (per my previous post), you have a choice - keep my friendship, or make me lie to your face. Life is hard, but the catch-22 is not as nasty as BEING infertile.