15 January 2010

Thanks & Perspective

It's amazing what a difference a day makes.

Thank you so much for your kind advice. I did end up calling my practitioner since I had worked myself up. Mr. JB kept on telling me that going to Saturday wouldn't make a difference, but I'm a stubborn headstrong woman so I had to call. My practitioner assured me that I could go anywhere from day 2 to 5 to have my FSH checked, but I should start the F.emara tonight.

Oh, F.emara. I have so much hope in you.

Hah!

After reading Sew's post I started to think.

I'm scared to get pg as well.

Petrified.

I'm good at being infertile.

I'm pretty good at pretending.

I only have breakdowns when I'm at home or in my car. 

I've hardened my heart to the disappointment. 

How sad is that?

The one thing in the world that I want and I'm afraid. 

I wasn't afraid of committing to marriage. I wasn't afraid of buying a house. Heck, I wasn't even scared of moving to another continent all by myself! 

Oh Lord do I ever need help. 

Any ideas on any Novenas that I can say? The rosary isn't enough girls. I need the big guns!

13 comments:

  1. When you finally *Do* get pregnant it makes total sense to find it absolutely terrifying, when you come so close to having what you want so badly it is SO SO SCAREY (just look at me I seem to go from not worried to worried on a daily or hourly or minutely basis) and I am not even physically pregnant.

    I think Femerra is great (I am glad you are on that and not clomid) and my lining got its very biggest on femerra.
    I so want this to work for you! Is it wrong of me to want this extra so that we can be both on matt leave together....

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  2. I feel for you. I'm terrified too. When I first started Femara I was terrified it would work and terrified it wouldn't. Talk about being a wreck! I hope the Femara is a success for you!

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  3. I am a little partial to St. Maximillian Kolbe's novena to the Holy Spirit. Let me look in my book, too...:)

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  4. Honestly, pregnancy was an absolutely terrifying time for me. You get good at being infertile. It becomes your normal. You know what to do with infertility. I didn't know what to do with pregnancy. I was so afraid of it all going wrong and everything I wanted being yanked away.

    I can and does work out. I am looking at proof that it can. I did the infertile bit for 7 years, the pregnant bit for 41 weeks and the mother part for less than three weeks now. I think the only part of this that really matters is the mother part. None of the rest really does.

    You are going to be a mom. You ARE.

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  5. I think that makes lots of sense. The closer I got to just being totally accustomed to never being pregnant (to the point at which it's NOT EVEN A DISAPPOINTMENT every month), the more pregnancy seemed like a massive scary disruption in my life. I'm not scared any more, because I've ceased so completely to believe in the possibility. But a bfp - that would be very intimidating. In other words - you're not crazy. Or, at least, no crazier than I am. Which is actually not that comforting :)

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  6. How about a novena to the Archangel Michael?
    (Or you can start enlisting the help of your 2010 Patron Saint... it is 2010 after all!)

    I'm excited for you starting Femara, woo hoo!

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  7. I don't have any novena suggestions, but I can understand the fear. We also are aware of everything that can go wrong, plus we scared to feel badly in pregnancy and motherhood when we've waited so long.

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  8. I go from being a great infertile to being a terrible one at times. But I admit I am shit scared of actually falling pregnant. I dont know how I will cope if it ever eventually happens!

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  9. Hi there. Very interesting blog. Wish you the best with this. Hope you have a nice weekend.

    http://inbugsdrawers.blogspot.com

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  10. Great news about starting Femara!! I hope it works for ya, and dont' be scared of getting pregnant, you'll do great! I know you will!

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  11. Hey JB - I got the PWB yesterday! It was waiting for me when I got home from the airport. You are a such a sweetie - I loved all the stuff in it! It was so cool. Especially the JPII rosary. Thanks again and I look forward to returning the favor soon!

    In regards to the Femara, I am not familiar with that medication, but I hope it helps you and in short order too! God Bless, Marie

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  12. One day can make a HUGE difference! Go femara!

    It's crazy, being scared of pregnancy! It.freaks.me.out. :) I make a good infertile, even on my hormonal days. Coz pregnancy hormones I think I turn into the devil, it's so bad! ;)

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  13. i read this the other day when you posted it, and have been thinking about it ever since.

    it's kind of like when i thought i was the *only* IF out there, i've lately been thinking, am i the only one out there really wanting a pg, and scared to death that it might actually happen.

    i totally hear you.. IF, as hard as it is, becomes easy, and like misfit said, a BFP would be awfuly intimidating and kinda scary.

    so this isn't part of this post, but i'm also so excited to hear about your adoption journey.. and the process from the canadian perspective :)

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