27 January 2010

Staring Down 35

It's my birthday eve, friends.

And I'm petrified.

I am usually very excited about celebrating my birthday. I always have a birthday party and I always tell my class about my special day.

This year I am filled with dread. Absolute dread.

I realize that my fear is irrational and that I'm the healthiest I have ever been (this is my first birthday that I am endo-free) and that women older than I am go on to have biological children, but I just can't shake the fear that I have been carrying around in my heart.

I remember when I was in my 20's and reading about older women (read: over 35) who were trying to conceive and how there is an increased risk of birth defects and abnormalities. As a teacher I've seen the older parents at interview night just looking completely tired and defeated.

I don't want to be that woman.

I am also afraid that I am going to see another year pass with an empty womb and an empty house.

I don't know how much more waiting that I can take.

I keep on telling myself that it's just a number. I know that I take good care of myself and that we have only been on the TTC bandwagon since December (we weren't really allowed to TTC after my first post-Lupron period) and that I have a year (which I'm counting from that first period in November 2009) until I should start to really worry.

It also doesn't help that I had some light spotting this morning -- Mr. JB and I "used a day of fertility" last night. Same thing happened last month around the middle of my cycle. It almost reminds me of when I first started charting using the CrMS. I was bleeding all over the place! I almost feel like my body is taking a HUGE step backwards!

I see my Napro doctor on February 8th and she is going to have quite a laundry list of questions from me! I also hope that I don't get trouble for using the F.emara without her go-ahead (well, she did give me the prescription!).

I have to stop.

I'm going to take my last nap as a 34 year old and hopefully when I wake up my existential crisis will be less of a panic.

p.s. Sew asked in the comment section of my last post regarding paying for the P.RIDE training that is required to adopt in my province. I guess Mr. JB and I could come up with the $1400 (it's $750 per person), but I have some strong feels against the commodification of adoption. I wish that private adoption sat better with me, but I honestly feel that we are called to adopt via the C.hildren's A.id So.ciety. I know that we're going to go to the information meeting and I think that we're going to have a lot to talk about. Perhaps we're just meant to wait, honestly it's almost been five years, what's a few more, right?

p.p.s. I went to a meeting today and I saw some fellow teachers that I haven't seen since October. A couple of them commented on how much weight I've lost since the last time we met. I have no idea how much I weigh since our digital scale has needed a new battery for a year, but I definitely see a difference since going gluten-free. Yet another perk for my new diet!

19 comments:

  1. Waiting for that gluten free perk to come my way!

    Happy almost 35.

    Sorry you are going through this hard time! It is hard to get pregnant doing what you are doing, mentally hard, but you have faith and that is an amazing thing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sorry your scared silly about your birthday, but know that many of us sympathize! And hey, God's time is nothing like our time. He can make anything happen at any time. ENJOY your birthday eve!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm due to deliver this baby the same month that I turn 43! IMHO, you have plenty of time ahead of you on this journey!! Happy birthday!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Happy Birthday! I hope you enjoy it!!!

    TTC is so frustrating...I told someone the other day I wish during TTC that periods would come every 2 weeks so there wasn;t so much waiting. That's so of the hardest part of it all!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I feel for you on this one. I know women much older than I have children, but still trying to have my first at this age is just not where I thought I would be. It’s okay, just know that it’s still going to happen. You will be a Mom! I hope you have a wonderful birthday!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi,
    I found your blog via Sews blog!
    I live in Ontario too, and use a Napro Dr. in T.O. If you ever want to chat , Id love to get to know you :)

    ps- we looked into adoption in Ont. and we are totally shocked at some of the details about the program.

    Have a wonderful Birthday!

    Jessica

    ReplyDelete
  7. As someone who just turned 36 and longs for a child I completely understand. My DH swears the only reason I get People magazine is to check out how old people are who have having babies. I admit, it's always wonderful to hear those stories of women in their 40s having happy, healthy babies. Hang in there. *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  8. Happy Birthday, my friend! I am thinking of you and praying for you and all of your intentions. Don't give up. God can perform miracles!Praying for a miracle for you! Have a wonderful birthday! May God Bless you and hubby!

    Much love and hugs!
    Maria

    ReplyDelete
  9. P.S. I would LOVE to hear from the lady who posted a comment here who is due to deliver a baby on her 43 birthday! I am forty three now and quickly losing hope that I will be able to have my own children due to endometriosis stage four, two surgeries, and now a messed up cycle.
    I am trying to get myself back on track with drinking water with lemon, a good diet, and exercise! I know that God can do miracles, but can He perform one for me at age forty three? I am hoping and praying He can!!

    Love,
    Maria

    ReplyDelete
  10. As soon as I hit the "publish" button, I knew my comment (above) was not helpful. My being almost 43 and pregnant does not ease your situation at all. Please forgive me. I really DO think you have much reason to be hopeful, but I know you don't feel that way today.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Maria Therese, I just saw your note. I have a friend in the same situation (she is just about to turn 44). Do you have an email address I can use? Or, can you email me at allthemillers @ cox (dot) net?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Happy Birthday. Hang in there girl!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Leila – I do think your comment was helpful! My mom used to kid me that she was in the geriatric unit when she had me because she was 30!! (She'd have a fit if she had any idea the things I've gone through post-30 to have my FIRST child, but still). I love hearing stories of moms. I love hearing about moms of all ages.

    ReplyDelete
  14. JB - My heart goes out to you on this one... I turned 35 in Oct of '09.

    'Second Chances' is right, though. A friend of mine says something similar. She always says that "it is in God's most perfect timing." It isn't easy, but deep in my heart I know that it is true.

    May God bless you, JB, on your birthday and always!!

    'Leila' - Your comment gives us the gift of HOPE and that is the greatest gift of all! Thank you!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Happy 35th! You never know what a new year will bring :) (And you won't be that tired, haggard parent you see at conferences! I've seen them, too. lol)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hey, congrats on losing weight, being endo free, and I know this year is going to be your best yet with the your chances of conceiving high due to all these positive changes! I have heard Dr. Toth repeatedly say that it isn't your age, but the health of your equipment. And yours just got a huge upgrade!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Happy birthday! I'm sorry that it's a scary one, but have a great one. Like you said, you are healthier than you've been.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Uggg...I'm so sorry about the dread of yet ANOTHER birthday!

    Thank you so much for texting last night....I was just about to head into my deep slumber! I swear, I fall asleep EARLY, VERY EARLY.

    Happy birthday! Celebrate it anyway! :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Happy Birthday JB!!!

    I know it's hard to be happy about birthdays right now, but I'm hoping that good things happen for you in your 35th year!

    ReplyDelete