Staring Down 35

It's my birthday eve, friends.

And I'm petrified.

I am usually very excited about celebrating my birthday. I always have a birthday party and I always tell my class about my special day.

This year I am filled with dread. Absolute dread.

I realize that my fear is irrational and that I'm the healthiest I have ever been (this is my first birthday that I am endo-free) and that women older than I am go on to have biological children, but I just can't shake the fear that I have been carrying around in my heart.

I remember when I was in my 20's and reading about older women (read: over 35) who were trying to conceive and how there is an increased risk of birth defects and abnormalities. As a teacher I've seen the older parents at interview night just looking completely tired and defeated.

I don't want to be that woman.

I am also afraid that I am going to see another year pass with an empty womb and an empty house.

I don't know how much more waiting that I can take.

I keep on telling myself that it's just a number. I know that I take good care of myself and that we have only been on the TTC bandwagon since December (we weren't really allowed to TTC after my first post-Lupron period) and that I have a year (which I'm counting from that first period in November 2009) until I should start to really worry.

It also doesn't help that I had some light spotting this morning -- Mr. JB and I "used a day of fertility" last night. Same thing happened last month around the middle of my cycle. It almost reminds me of when I first started charting using the CrMS. I was bleeding all over the place! I almost feel like my body is taking a HUGE step backwards!

I see my Napro doctor on February 8th and she is going to have quite a laundry list of questions from me! I also hope that I don't get trouble for using the F.emara without her go-ahead (well, she did give me the prescription!).

I have to stop.

I'm going to take my last nap as a 34 year old and hopefully when I wake up my existential crisis will be less of a panic.

p.s. Sew asked in the comment section of my last post regarding paying for the P.RIDE training that is required to adopt in my province. I guess Mr. JB and I could come up with the $1400 (it's $750 per person), but I have some strong feels against the commodification of adoption. I wish that private adoption sat better with me, but I honestly feel that we are called to adopt via the C.hildren's A.id So.ciety. I know that we're going to go to the information meeting and I think that we're going to have a lot to talk about. Perhaps we're just meant to wait, honestly it's almost been five years, what's a few more, right?

p.p.s. I went to a meeting today and I saw some fellow teachers that I haven't seen since October. A couple of them commented on how much weight I've lost since the last time we met. I have no idea how much I weigh since our digital scale has needed a new battery for a year, but I definitely see a difference since going gluten-free. Yet another perk for my new diet!