End of April Blahs

At least that's what I think I have.

I'm so tired. So very, very tired. I can't blame it all on my class since they're nothing like the craziest that I taught last year. Perhaps it's because of the hockey playoffs. I fell asleep on the basement couch and I made it up to bed at around 12:30am. I feel wiped out, and it's quite early for me to feel like this. I'm usually like this right before school ends, but we're a LONG way from there (yes girls, I teach until June 30th, ouch).

Perhaps it's the time of the month. I'm reaching mid-cycle and this is always the most stressful time for me. I'm feeling the must TTC pressure. Last cycle's false + really through me for a loop and I'm feeling the type-A "I don't want to fail" attitude that I felt when we first started on the TTC ride.

I want a baby girls. There's no way around it. I'm tired of being disappointed month after month.

I don't know if all the white wine and guacamole in the world can fix this one (although it does take a bit of the edge off).

Erin Rocks!!

Thanks so much to my Lenten Prayer Buddy, Erin!!!

She sent me a book called The Rosary and it arrived today. I was so surprised to see it in my mailbox when I got home from school!

Thank you so much for your prayers and your friendship! I can't wait to read it!!!!

Ummm, yeah....

So after my dentist appointment after school I went over to my parents' house.

Btw, I love, love, love going to the dentist! Getting my teeth cleaned is one of my favourite things in the whole world. I know, I'm weird.

I talked to quite a few people during the day about my mom's strange and angering comment and the general consensus was that they thought she was offended by my asking for the money that she owed me. I got even more riled up this morning when I called her to ask if she had my student loan statement for my taxes. What I thought would be a two minute conversation ended with her giving me a lecture about having outstanding debt (she seems to forget that ever since graduating I bought a house, got married, furnished a house, paid off a car, and no, I didn't tell her about the new car!).

I know that my student loan is relatively small, it was just under $7000. I got it to pay for my teachers' college tuition. I also know that I've been dragging my heels and I've been only paying the minimum payment for the past eight years (I know, not very responsible, but I don't even notice the $76 that comes out of my bank account every month). Regardless, when I pay it off is none of her business. I was told when I applied for teachers' college (which was my third university degree) that I had to pay for it. The only thing that my parents helped out with was rent for the last two months of school. I ran out of money and I was desperate.

Needless to say I spent most of the day upset. My class must've noticed something because I got A LOT of hugs today and quite a few "I love yous."

Anyhow, I went to my parents' house and it was like nothing happened. Last night's conversation wasn't mentioned and this morning's wasn't either. I don't know if it was because my dad was home (my mom usually behaves around him AND like I said yesterday, he would've been livid to know that she owed me any money, let alone $230!). My dad and I took a spin around their subdivision 'cos my brakes have been squeaking and my dad wanted to hear for himself.

When we got back from our little drive my mother didn't mention anything. When I arrived at their house I gave her the $90 for the jewelry and the bracelet that wasn't real gold. As I was leaving she handed me the $90 back with a cheque for $140. I told her that I didn't want it, but she insisted. Then we talked about gardening and how I thought she should plant hostas in their front yard.

Totally weird.

It was almost like someone erased her memory or that I just dreamed everything up.

Like I've said many times, she's nuts. I shouldn't let her strange behaviour affect me the way I let it. I got so worked up that I even started getting teary in the staff room! My teaching partner even commented on how upset I was.

Who knows, maybe something else was upsetting her and she used me as a target. I'm tempted to e-mail one of my cousins who lives in the neighbourhood to see if anything happened over the weekend. Even if I asked my mother she would deny it. What I do know is that I just need to let this all go, it's obvious that it's not bothering her any!

In cycle news, it's CD9 and I'm only spotting very lightly. I'm glad that my Napro doc said that it was normal for endo patients to have longer periods. At least I'm not seeing TEBB anymore! No more brown for me!!! I'm really hoping that this new dose of F.emara is going to boost my hormone levels. I also doubled the amount of flax seed oil that I was taking (my naturopath put me on it to help with my estrogen levels pre-peak). I don't know if it's helping, but my skin looks amazing!

I'm hoping that my new, hopeful attitude is going to work. Last weekend's fiasco is in the history books and I want to look at this cycle with possibility.

St. Gianna, please pray for me!

p.s. I finished and filed our taxes tonight. We're getting quite a healthy refund which means that all of our credit card debt is going to be paid off. Praise God!

Now where did that come from???

So I went to a gold party at a colleagues house. For those of you not in the know, ladies will come to your house and buy your gold jewelry from you! Another woman on my staff had a party and made a TON of cash for herself, so another colleague decided to throw another one (one woman got $600 for a few bits!).

Anyhow, I mentioned to my crazy mother that I was going to this party and if she had anything for me to sell for her. I had a few things (because any gold jewelry that I ever had or received from my mother was quickly taken back for "safe keeping") in my own jewelry box, but I did have some pieces that I could get rid of. My mother gave me this ring she had made for my dad, one earring and a bracelet. Turns out the bracelet wasn't real and the ring didn't have real diamonds in it.

So while I was leaving the party I called my mother to tell her that I had gotten $90 for her two items and I said, "Well since you owe me money for those bills that I paid for you while you were away, I can just keep the money and you can give me the difference later."

Then she said, "Well what about all of the money that you owe me?"

And I didn't know how to respond.

Last I checked I'm not in debt to my parents. I've been working as a teacher for almost nine years and I've been on my own ever since. My parents did pay for my university education and they did pay for the bulk of our wedding, but we were never, ever told that we had to repay them. Her comment totally caught me off guard and I called Mr. JB right away to tell him. He got quite upset since he doesn't want to be secretly in debt to anyone.

Now, my mother is crazy and I honestly don't know why she says a lot of what she says, but I do know that my father never, ever expected for me to repay them for my education or our wedding expenses. When we went out for dinner last week my dad wouldn't even let us pay! I offered, but my aunt said that he had taken care of it. I'm not about to argue with my father in a public place about settling a cheque!

So now I'm all upset and confused.

My mother does have a history of being completely irrational and she often says hurtful things. She's completely oblivious to our IF and she announces pregnancies to me like there's nothing hurtful about it. We've also had a history of having a very difficult relationship, but money has never entered the picture.

My parents lead a very frugal life, which is completely unnecessary. They've been mortgage-free for years and they both have well-paying jobs. They want for nothing and I know that they have a very, very healthy retirement fund. Why my mother would be mentioning my debt to them, I have no idea!

Now, if I knew what the debt was when it was incurred, I would've paid them back. I do earn a good wage and we are capable of paying them back, but can she really mention paying back my university education when I graduated TEN YEARS AGO? Can she really collect on my wedding expenses from FIVE YEARS AGO?

I shouldn't let her get to me, but she is the one person on this planet that can push all of my buttons all at once. I've wished that we could have a better relationship, but she can be so needlessly mean to me! I knew that she was really pushing it today when Mr. JB got angry. He's very patient with her, but playing dirty like she is, makes it very hard for him to be sympathetic.

I don't know girls. I'm so tired of being angry with her. I'm even a bit upset with myself for being so angry. What I do know is that I'm going to her house tomorrow with her $90 since it seems like it's so important to her.

Grrrr.

Bedridden

My body is going on strike.

My back is feeling much better. I went to the chiropractor and she adjusted me and I've been good as new ever since.

It's just too bad that the mild cold I've had all week has gotten worse. How does one survive an entire Canadian winter without getting sick once and then as soon as the weather gets better, comes down with a wicked cold??? This time I'm blaming my fertile bf's son who slobbered all over me last week. Apparently her husband has been off all last week with the same cold, seems like I got the same bug (and so does Mr. JB, he sounds much worse than I do!). I knew that I was done for when I fell asleep for four hours last night on the couch and then I couldn't get up for yoga this morning. I never miss Saturday morning yoga, especially when my favourite teacher is conducting the class.

Anyhow, looks like Mr. JB and I are going to take it easy this weekend. We don't have a choice! The only thing that I'm going to do is get my hair cut at my hair stylist's new salon. It will be quite the drive, but it's always worth it. If I wasn't feeling so sick I'd convince Mr. JB to go on an adventure, but that's not going to happen.

In cycle news, AF is almost done. I've been waking up with headaches since I started the F.emara. It's the only side effect that I've noticed and the headache usually goes away with some A.dvil. I'm hoping that tripling the dose will finally boost my estrogen levels. Honestly, what is up with my low estrogen? My progesterone is fine, which is good, right? I always thought that the two were related.

I need to drag myself off the couch so I can finish my laundry. Being sick sucks.

I am an old woman

Or at least I feel like one.

I sneezed while putting on my jacket yesterday morning and I pulled something in my back.

Now who does that?????

My back loosened up during the day -- pretty easy since I'm always on my feet at school, but at yoga I bent forward and it started to spasm.

Bad.

I limped around my house all last night and I'm continuing to do the "old lady" walk today.

Someone once told me that lower back pain means that I worry about money. Which I do. A lot.

Have I mentioned that Mr. JB bought a car? Yes, the car that he wanted. Red, loaded with every option available and it also comes with SEVEN years of car payments (the only way to get the monthly down to under $400). 

Ugh. 

Oh well, I'm sure it won't be that bad when we finally have it and drive it around. Besides, I did get that job this summer and we will have extra cash (in theory!). 

I can't wait to see my chiropractor after school. I hate hobbling around! 

One more thing....

I didn't add this to my list of things that I learned from the Tale of the False HPT, but it's pretty big.

I was having a board of directors meeting tonight at my house (with the most annoying woman in the world, it took all the strength in my body to not kick her out of my house!) and my fertile best friend called. Mr. JB said that she was checking on me, which is so sweet.

You see, my fertile bf was by my side when I had my breakdown in university. We were roommates and she helped me navigate my way back to sanity and she's always been worried (sometimes a little too much!) that I'm going to fall into that abyss.

I asked Mr. JB what he told her and he said, "She doesn't realize how strong you are JB."

And he's right, IF has given me strength I didn't know I had. I didn't know that I would need to be this strong, but almost five years later, I have channeled strength from places I didn't know existed.

So I guess that makes it 12.

And that's a good thing, right?

Woohoo!!!

No, AF didn't miraculously stop.

But I did get some AWESOME news over the lunch hour! I got the curriculum writing job for the Minis.try of Ed.ucation for the month of July.

And guess how much it pays.

$300 a day PLUS transportation and $40 worth of meals per day.

I danced all around the school celebrating!

I'm so glad that I finally have some semblance of happy news to share!!! 

I've never worked in the city and I'm going to take the train in like a normal commuter. I'm so excited! 

Better get back to teaching my little monsters. They're starting to get restless!

What I've Learned....

I'm going to try and learn something from my short Tale of the False HPT (in no particular order):

1) I will NEVER, EVER test before Peak +17 (17 dpo). EVER. Apparently my body likes to get to P+15.

2) POAS brings on a period. I have no doubt.

3) Pre-period symptoms are very similar to early pg symptoms. If it happens again, I will not convince myself that I am pg, even though I didn't want to admit that I thought I was.

4) My body is getting back on track. When I started with Napro back in February 2008 I had crazy erratic bleeding, a luteal phase defect, stage IV endo, adhesions, ovarian cysts, uterine fibroids and wonky hormones. The only thing that I still have are the low hormones, and those are being controlled with HCG and F.emara. I don't know when I will get pg, but I know that I will be healthy for the REST OF MY LIFE.

5) I need to stay calm like Mr. JB. False hpt or not, I need to be more relaxed like he is!

6) I shouldn't yell at my husband about compromising his car choices, when I really wanted to do was cry about AF arriving. Btw, he's going to go to call the bank tomorrow to see if we can get a better financing rate than what the dealership is offering. What is the deal with only offering 0% financing on 2009 models and 5.49% on the 2010's????

7) You girls are the most awesome friends. I wouldn't have been able to deal with this drama and heartache without all of you. I felt absolutely horrible all day and whenever I would check my blog at school I would see another encouraging comment. Also, I'm so glad that my class was so well behaved. They must've sensed that I couldn't handle bad behaviour.

8) Our neighbours on the other side of us are jerks. We've put up with them playing ridiculously loud (and bad) music at all hours of the day. We've complained to them, our management company (we live in a condo townhouse) and we even called the police to see what we could do. They shouldn't mess with an infertile woman who just got a false hpt or they're in for a fight!!!

9) Our Napro practitioner (for those of you that don't speak Napro, she's not a doctor, but she helps us with charting and other fertility-related advice, she's awesome!) thinks that things are looking great. My mucous scores are great (15.3 for those of you that want to know) and that my chart post-surgery/post-L.upron looks so much better than when we first started seeing her. She's also gave me some great advice regarding vitamin D and magnesium. Apparently low vitamin D levels are related to low hormone levels! I need to see my GP to see if I can get my vitamin D levels tested. She also said that low magnesium levels can cause muscle aches. She recommended a magnesium gel that I can get to help with my achy, post-yoga class body!

10) Getting a false hpt isn't that bad. For example, getting my horrible diagnosis last year was much, much worse. I have to remember, we've only been trying for five months, and one of those months I was on heavy-duty antibiotics that I wasn't allowed to get pg on. So four months is a drop in the bucket. I can't really count the other four years since we didn't have a real chance with my compromised anatomy.

11) Lastly, I'm going to continue believing that becoming a mother is possible. This isn't about the plan that I have for my life, its His plan for me. Anything is possible with God, and becoming a mother is definitely possible.

So there.

I wish....

...that I was blogging from the lab saying that I was waiting to bet my blood drawn.

Alas, I'm not.

I woke up bright and early to test (yes, using a dollar store test) and the flow was definitely more red and AF-like than last night. To top it off the test was definitely negative. No faint line, nothing (and yes, I checked in natural sunlight, the light in my bathroom AND my bedside lamp.

My boobs aren't as tender and I'm definitely crampy.

I guess I am one of the few than has gotten a false positive.

I also checked my chart this morning and two cycles ago I did make it to P +15. I wasn't very confident about that cycle since we didn't try very hard (it was the month that my neighbour died and we weren't in the mood at all that month!).

I will take my blood work requisition with me today and if the bleeding stays light (as it is right now) I may go after school. Mr. JB and I are meeting with our Napro practitioner after school 'cos I have no more stickers and I need a new chart. Perhaps she'll have some insight to what the heck went on yesterday!

Thanks again for all of your prayers and support. It would be an understatement to say that I'm disappointed.

Jesus I trust in you.

Staying Calm, Either Way

The spotting still hasn't stopped, but it's definitely more brown (and sorry if this is TMI, but this is an IF blog, right?) and mucous-y rather than full flow. I've been feeling cramping in my lower abdomen since the spotting started which is pretty normal for me at the start of AF.

While we were at the restaurant I went to the bathroom at least three times to check. I know that it had to do with the amount of water I was drinking, but I wanted to see if the spotting was getting worse. It was particularly tough to be sitting with my cousin, his wife and their daughter. They got pregnant "by accident" soon after they're wedding at city hall (yes, they're both cradle Catholics, but they had bought a house and their parents didn't want them to live "in sin"). Yes, I'm bitter.

It's so tough to have to pretend that everything is fine and that nothing is wrong. All I wanted to do when I saw the first signs of spotting was cry in bed. Perhaps it was a good thing that I had the distraction of my family, I don't know. I know that crying about what is happening or what could've been is not a very fruitful way to spend my time.

So I've made the decision that if the spotting doesn't increase (i.e. if I don't have CD1-like bleeding by the morning) I will have my Peak +17 blood work done in the morning. Since my period restarted post-Lu.pron, my period experience has been pretty consistent -- spotting for a few hours then light flow for the first day then moving to medium flow for the second. I have been spotting WAY longer than I have been in the past four cycles, if I followed the same pattern I should be seeing red by now.

I know that I'm dissecting every, tiny thing, but I have NEVER seen anything resembling a positive pg test in almost FIVE YEARS of TTC.

Btw, Sew, I lied this afternoon. I have gotten a negative pg test on Peak +15 on HCG. The first time I made it to Peak +15 I got all excited (this was before my first surgery which I find really funny now, like I could've gotten pg with that mess inside of me!) so I bought a dollar store test. That night I got my period.

My boobs are still extremely sore and I'm still exhausted, those are the only other symptoms besides the faint, faint second line I saw this afternoon.

I guess after all of this time I shouldn't have thought that the actual experience of getting a positive pg test would be 100% happy. This seems to be yet another trial that Mr. JB and I have to endure. I wish that I could have the faith and calm that Mr. JB has because he has been absolutely unflappable today.

We'll be okay either way, I know it. And don't worry, I will keep you all posted! If I don't Sew and This Cross I Embrace are going to head up here to Canada and take me down!

p.s. Thanks so much for your prayers and encouragement today. If it wasn't for all of you I would've lost it more than once! Thank God for all of you!

I think I may have jinxed it...

So I'm spotting, very, very lightly.

It's not dark enough to call brown, but it is dark enough to make me a little nervous.

I shouldn't have tested.

I did another test from the dollar store and nothing showed up, but when I checked about half an hour later there was a second line.

Then again, it's a dollar store test.

My boobs still hurt though.

Keep those prayers coming girls.

We're off to have dinner with my family. I hope that my running to the bathroom every two minutes to check what the heck is going on doesn't become too suspicious.

:(

Soooo....

I just POAS and I could see a faint second line (I got the kind that has a + and a - if you're pg). The second line making the + was SUPER faint so I'm feeling very, very cautiously optimistic.

I'm sending Mr. JB to the dollar store to pick up a bunch 'cos I don't want to drop another $14.

Say a prayer, or a ten.

Please!

Jesus, I trust in you.

Ummmm.... (*with an update, and no I didn't POAS yet)

It's P+16 girls.

As in, I ovulated SIXTEEN DAYS ago (or thereabouts) and there still isn't any sign of AF.

I have NEVER made it past P+15. EVER.

The boobs still hurt. I'm still exhausted. I haven't felt any lower belly twinges that I usually get when AF is about to arrive.

I didn't want to say anything to Mr. JB 'cos I was worried that it would make AF show up.

Advice? Do I test today? Should I wait until tomorrow morning?

I'm shaking in my boots.

p.s. I was checking like crazy yesterday AND I even tried to jinx things by wearing white pants to First Communion! I'm going to lose my mind.

----------------------------------

Update: We just got back from mass and we're going to have lunch. Mr. JB is going to the drug store to pick up a test. I will post as soon as I test.

And yes, Sew, I will turn on my phone. Text me and then I'll call you, kay?

Attack of the Fertiles

Lord please help me.

I finally spoke to my maid of honour. It only took three weeks and I tried really hard to avoid having to talk to her, but I did. Part of me was hoping that she was being cowardly, but no, she was just clueless. She spent most of our conversation giving me some completely clueless fertility advice.

Yes, fertility advice girls.

So for all of you infertiles out there, here's the holy grail:

1) When you get pg, don't have sex for a REALLY long time. Apparently there were six pg women around her that all lost their babies because they got it on with their mates.

2) Don't think about getting pg. If you think about it, it won't work. She has a friend at work that had the "same surgery" as I did and she stopped thinking about getting pg and guess what? She's pg! Wow!

Yes, she actually said both things to me. I was glad that I only have 8 minutes to talk because I was ready to lose my mind. I also asked her why her husband who made her get an IUD gave in to having a second. Apparently it was the work of their daughter (my goddaughter) who constantly begged for a sibling. And guess what, it only took a month to get pg, not the ten it took for her first.

Honestly, there is no justice.

I hope that I've bought some time until the next phone call. She's due at the end of the month so she will be busy and since she is so self-absorbed I don't think that it will occur to her that she should call me back.

Btw, I didn't mention to her that I'm Peak +14 today (although she was fishing for an answer as to whether or not we had a successful cycle). I don't POAS ever since the last time I did I got my period the next day. If I make it to Peak +17 (which will be miraculous), then perhaps I will POAS, but only then. My only symptoms are extreme tiredness and the worst grumpies that I have ever had. I asked my class this week what they would do if I started to cry in front of them! They weren't even being bad, but they were just being so annoying!

I digress.

We just got back from my fertile best friend's house. We had dinner over there since Mr. JB hadn't met the new baby yet. It's definitely easier to be around the little guy now that he isn't a newborn. I even held him for a little while, which is a HUGE thing. At least her older kids love me to bits (her older son cuddled with me on the couch while we played W.ii and he always says that he loves me!). My bf and I talked about my ridiculous conversation with my MOH and she tried to stick up for her. When I told her about what she actually said, she agreed that my MOH is just clueless.

Like I've said before, at least my fertile best friend told me that she was expecting AND I knew that she wanted to have a bunch of kids. She didn't go through the charade of pretending that she didn't. I expected her to get pg with her third child and she was visibly anguished when she gave me the news. But at the end of it all, she still gets pg when she thinks about it.

I'm so jealous right now.

Needless to say, I'm feeling extra special barren right now. I haven't felt like this in a long time.

I need to go to bed or eat chocolate or maybe eat chocolate in bed!

I need prayers girls. Lots and lots.

Man Thongs & Assorted Ramblings

Yes ladies, I saw a man thong this afternoon.

EEEEEEWWWWW!!!

So there's this older guy that practices at my studio and he has always done yoga in tights (like the ones that I wear when I wear a shorter dress or a long sweater) which I've always thought was kinda icky. Really friends, I don't want to see his stuff. There are yoga shorts for men that are not form fitting, you know (the studio even sells them!!).

Anyhow, during class today I looked over and what did I see with my own two eyes? The dude's shirt was riding up so I saw the top of his man thong! How couldn't he have noticed that there was a lot more air on his lower back! Like come on! I don't show off my underwear (and I never wear a thong to yoga, I can't imagine that it would be comfy, I'm all for the boy shorts!) when I practice!

My friend K who was beside the thong exposing man tried to make contact with me, but I'm glad that she didn't 'cos I would've cracked up! She came up to me at the end of class and said that she had to ask me something and I knew exactly what she was going to say!

But I digress.

My appointment with Dr. T went well today. I've been seeing her every two months since my surgery, which seems like a long time, but Napro isn't about being all speedy speedy, it's about figuring things out, right?

So I finally asked her what my hormone levels actually were rather than just a vague high or low. So two cycles ago my progesterone was 84.9 (I have no idea what units progesterone is measured by, and if the numbers are imperial or metric, although I assume they're metric, I do live in Canada) and my estrogen was still low at 168 (it should be around 600, I think). This month's Peak +7 progesterone was 184 (which seems better) and my estrogen was 309 (which is still low, but better).

If this cycle is a bust she wants me to triple my Fe.mara dose. I asked if we could just quadruple the dose, but she wants to see how I respond to the triple dose. She also reassured me that having very, very light bleeding to about CD13 (which was the case this past month) is normal for endo patients. She reassured me and said that she doesn't think that the endo is back, but that she's seen it before in her other patients.

She also says that I don't have to get my FSH checked any more. What a relief! My first FSH level when I got my first period post-Lu.pron was 10, but the subsequent level was normal. She does want me to have it checked in 6 months, which is perfectly reasonable.

One thing that she really wants me to do is food testing. She gave me info about a company in England that will do the testing for 100 British pounds which is cheaper than the first company that she showed me. It does seems like something that I should do since gluten was such a problem. And even if I never get pg, I would feel better if I avoided the other foods that made me feel sick.

I really wish that I was feeling 100% positive about my visit. I was pretty irked since I waited for almost an hour to see her. I was reading and I almost feel asleep for goodness sakes! I know that I have to be patient since we're still working on fixing my hormones AND I'm still healing. I did feel some incision pain this afternoon which is a clear indication that it's going to rain tomorrow.

Yes girls, I'm a weather vane.

Great.

On the mortgage front, Mr. JB and I signed the papers tonight. Unfortunately we aren't going to save as much as initially thought, but we're still paying $200 less than we were. Mr. JB really, really wants to get his new car THIS WEEKEND, but I really don't think that it's the best idea. He doesn't have a clue about when and how we pay our bills, which is another post for another time.

Hopefully some soy ice cream will help erase the memory of the man thong. I also apologize for putting the image into your imaginations. Trust me, seeing it for real was much, much worse.

;)

Losing It

I know I made great strides by calling my MOH earlier today, but tonight is a completely different story.

It all started with dinner.

Mr. JB was reheating the tasty, free-range, no antibiotic chicken that we had on Sunday and I suddenly was disappointed that it was my favourite chicken dish that we were having. I had misunderstood and I didn't realize that we had a ton of left-overs in the fridge. Really, it wasn't a big deal, but I had my heart set on the yummy Montreal chicken spiced chicken that I thought we were having.

Then I started a fight because Mr. JB said that he didn't want to test drive a whole bunch of cars this weekend. He's basically made up his mind about what he wants, but I want to try some other options out just to make sure that he gets the perfect one. Mr. JB comes from a long line of G.M. workers, but this time he thinks that he's going to get an import. He says that he will get the import so he can bide his time while G.M. gets its act together and he'll go back to buying domestic.

Anyhow, I started to get irked since I've never really had a very exciting history with car purchases. My parents got me a car when I turned 18 (yes, I know I'm very lucky and I'm also an only child and the car was part of a bribe to stay in the province for university, I wanted to go to Montreal, but my parents couldn't handle it) and then I drove that same car for ELEVEN years. Then seven years ago I bought the newer version of the same car. So you see, not so exciting.

I've gone on a total of ONE test drive in my whole adult life and I'm 35! So I was so pumped about trying out a whole bunch of new cars. I was even going to come up with a checklist so we could compare when we were done.

I ended up crying (not excessively, but there were still tears) on the couch and not being able to finish my dinner.

Have I mentioned that I'm Peak +13 today and I'm going to see my Napro doc tomorrow? I'm so hormonal and scared that I'm going to get bad news, yet again (which is totally contrary to my positive outlook, going to believe I'm going to get pg attitude). My boobs are also sore and my scalp is breaking out -- EEEEWWW!

Btw, do any of you have any advice on how to make manicures last? My feet look awesome, but my hands look nasty! I tried to ask the nice lady that did my nails what to do to make my manicure last longer, but I don't think that she understood me!

It also doesn't help that I'm all crazy hormonal and I have to deal with mortgage-related stuff. For some reason I thought that we were supposed to renew our mortgage in the near future, but
I was off by a couple of years (we refinanced the second year of our marriage 'cos we were having a hard time coping with our wedding/honeymoon debt, a new mortgage and Mr. JB's huge car payments). So current rates are lower than our current one and our financial planner suggested that I find out how much of a penalty we would have to pay if we were to break our mortgage. I almost fell over when the mortgage lady told me. To break our mortgage 26 months early it would be $13 800 (which is almost the price of a small car)!!!!

Anyhow, the mortgage specialist said that we could blend our current rate with a new, lower one and we could still save $320 a month (which is almost a car payment). Our financial advisor ran the numbers and said that we should go with the bank's suggestion. I know that we're still saving money, but not as much as we would've if we went with our financial advisor's option (we would've saved $400!).

I really hate sometime that I have to be responsible for our money. If it was up to Mr. JB he would bury his head in the sand and cross his fingers. It's also frustrating that we've been paying our mortgage for five years and we've barely paid anything off except for $16 ooo in interest!

Then again, I have a house and we can afford a new car. So I shouldn't complain too much, right?

I need more chocolate or something. Not even the iced s.oy gr.een te.a latt.e from St.arbucks was enough to cheer me up (then again I was on my way to a boring meeting, but I was happy until I reached the bottom of the cup!).

Argh.

Thank God for Voice Mail

I called. 

Yes, my maid of honour who didn't want to have babies and got and IUD because her husband made her.

I left it until the last minute. My class was in the library getting their new books and I had about 9 minutes to talk. 

Man am I ever glad that her voice mail picked up!

This was my message:

"Hi there! Guess we're playing phone tag. Life has been so busy! Try giving me a call tomorrow afternoon, I'm not going to be at work so hopefully we'll get to talk."

So sweet, and yet so not.

The ball is in her court now. 

At least I phoned, yes?

Strange Dreams

I think that I may be losing it.

I normally have very vivid dreams, but this one takes the cake! I dreamt that I was a bird and I was looking out into a backyard and I watching another bird with her little baby chicks. As a bird I was thinking, "I'm really hungry and I really want to eat one of those birds, but that bird is my friend and if I eat her baby she would be very sad." I think that I started to swoop down on the baby bird that I had targeted, since my hunger won out, but I woke up before I could see the result.

Are there any dream interpreters out there? What is up with that????

I had a great weekend. On Friday night I went out for dinner with some colleagues. It was so much fun and it was great to hang out away from school. On Saturday I spent most of the morning getting a mani/pedi and having my eyebrows threaded. I absolutely LOVE getting my nails done, now it just has to be warmer so I can wear sandals!!! 

Saturday afternoon I attended my first meeting of an IF support group that Tishi has organized. It was a great afternoon and I met some very strong and courageous women. We were all at different stages of our IF journey and it was really helpful for me to see how they deal with IF day to day. I can't wait to meet up with them next month! 

Yesterday was a lazy day. After mass I took a nice long nap and then I went to two yoga classes. I was pretty distracted during the second one since I was getting pretty hungry! It was hard to be "present" while I was thinking of what I wanted to eat when I got home!

So this week I see my Napro doctor. I will be Peak +13 when I see her so she will have my bloodwork results from Peak +7. I really hope that the double dose of F.emara has helped. I've been feeling really tired since starting the HCG injections (I have my last shot tonight, woohoo!). I ovulated later this month than I did last, I think on CD16 or 17, which is what my body does on ovulation-inducing drugs. 

After meeting with the girls of Saturday I've decided that the most important thing that I can do in my journey to be a mom is to BELIEVE that it's going to happen. After almost five years of seemingly getting no where, I just have to have faith that I will get pg one day. 

Hopefully that's the missing piece to this puzzle. 

Hopefully. 

A Strange Anniversary

A year ago today I had my first surgery.

And I found out that my ladyparts were a huge, horrible mess.

If you want a refresher, check this out.

It was quite the diagnosis to get. I had a feeling that it was bad, but stage IV (and as my surgeon said, stage IV IV), ovarian cysts, uterine fibroids, adhesions that were so bad that my right fallopian tube was obstructed.

Ouch.

So after four months of lovely L.upron and having to deal with hot flashes and crazy hormones, I got to have my second surgery which was much more intensive and that cleaned everything up.

Yay.

I wish that I could say that all is wonderful and that I'm 100% confident that we will conceive, but we've had five cycles post L.upron and still nothing (although I'm Peak +5 today so who knows...). I see my Napro doctor next week to see if doubling the dose of F.emara has helped my hormone levels go up since the HCG just wasn't enough. I'm almost sure that it has helped since I had boob tenderness and acne for the first time in AGES!

The one thing that I've learned through all of this is that I'm used to disappointment. I've had almost five years to learn how to deal with it. I'm not saying that I'm good at dealing with it, but I'm no longer falling apart on CD1.

My next biggest hurdle is completing the adoption paperwork. The scariest part is having to get a criminal check from France since I lived there for more than six months. I can imagine how difficult that is going to be!

Thank you for all of you support, if it wasn't for all of you I wouldn't have been able to get through both surgeries and the horrible recovery. I know that I hated the belly button and lower abdomen scar, but they've both healed up nicely. I have battle scars leading me to motherhood, I just hope that it can be sooner, rather than later.

The saga continues....

So friends, my inaction has caused the saga of my fertile maid of honour to continue.

While we were in Montreal my cell phone rang and I saw that it was her -- she did call Tuesday or Wednesday of last week and I didn't do anything about it. When we got home last night there was also an e-mail from her in my inbox asking where I was and that she was getting worried.

I know that it's unavoidable that I have to call her.

Argh.

And I also know that being nice JellyBelly that I won't tell her off and say that I'm so disappointed that she didn't have the courage and the tact to tell me herself that she had gotten pregnant.

I'm also not going to ask how she convinced her husband that made her get an IUD that she wanted to have a second child.

I have to be the bigger person in this one, I know.

I would much rather yell, scream and cry, but that's just not me.

Swallowing one's pride is not easy, especially when one is so incredibly angry and disappointed.

Btw, while we were in Montreal we visited St. Joseph's Oratory. I really wanted to go because there's a place where you can write your intentions for St. Joseph and you can pray for them in front of St. Joseph's oil. I really hope that my prayers for all of us IF'ers come through soon.

p.s. Although I'm exhausted, I am absolutely over the moon that my D.uke Bl.ue De.vils won the N.CAA Cha.mpionship last night. I was so excited that I could barely sleep! Woohoo!

Lenten Prayer Buddy Revealed

My Lenten prayer buddy was Jessica of Little Things!

It was great to pray for someone that I didn't know from the IF blogger world. I loved reading about how she was preparing her cute kiddies for Lent and I will definitely use some of those ideas when we have our little JellyBellies!

I offered up decades of the daily rosary that Mr. JB and I said throughout Lent and I remembered to pray for her at mass on Sundays. One of her posts even mentioned that my prayers were helping her! Woohoo!

Anyhow, I gotta go. My Blue Devils are playing the championship game tonight and I have to focus energy on that!!!!

p.s. Jessica please forgive me for my tardiness! Your Easter present is coming your way sometime this week!

Happy Easter! He is risen!!!

Just a quick note to wish all of you a very Happy and Blessed Easter!!!!!

We're having a great time in Montreal! The biggest disappointment was that the yoga jeans store didn't have my size!!! They had the size up and the size down and I wasn't prepared to drop that much cash on jeans that didn't fit like they were supposed to. Thankfully the salesgirl took my contact info and she's going to be in touch when my size comes in (although it didn't sound like it was going to happen soon!) and my brother-in-law can pick them up or I can pay the $9 shipping.

We're off to celebrate mass at a friend's place and then we're going to have Easter lunch there. It's great having a priest for a BIL!

Don't overdose on chocolate everyone!!!!

Holy Thursday

Every Lenten season I look forward to Holy Thursday. Don't worry, it's not because I get to indulge in what I gave up for Lent, but because of the Stations of the Cross. When I taught the older kids my class always did a presentation for the school, this year each teacher got to read for a station with one student from their class. I got to start things off with one of my little cuties and I can say that it was much less stressful just being a part of the presentation and not organizing it.

I was also in charge of selling pretzels to raise money for S.harelife (a charity of the Archdiocese of To.ronto). I sold 334 pretzels which means that we are donating the same amount to the charity. There was a bit of an issue because the bakery didn't deliver enough, but the driver returned with the pretzels we were missing so everyone got their treat.

So Mr. JB, his dad and I are off to Montreal tomorrow morning to celebrate Easter with my brother-in-law. It's bittersweet since this will be our last Easter with my BIL 'cos he's returning to Italy to finish his degree in Canon law in Rome. He also expects to spend at least a year in either Asia or India afterwards. Although I'm used to him being gone, I really love that he's been so close (well at least in the same country!). As Mr. JB's dad gets older I know that he appreciates having both of his sons in close proximity and I definitely love having my BIL's calming influence around!

I will continue to pray for all of you, especially my Lenten prayer buddy. This truly is my favourite time of year and I can't wait for mass on Easter Sunday!

p.s. I haven't dealt with calling my friend. I have been so busy with school and last night when I got home from work I feel dead asleep on the couch! I know that I have to at least send her an e-mail, but that's not happening until Tuesday, at the earliest.

p.p.s. I've had some crazy fertile CM! I almost didn't believe my eyes since I'm already at CD 16 and it only started yesterday. I ovulated on CD 14 last cycle on the increased dose of F.emara and I expected the same this cycle, but it's been totally different. I really hope that I don't have to start my HCG injections while we're in Montreal. It would totally stress me out to have to transport it home while driving for five hours!

p.p.p.s. I'm going on the yoga jeans adventure on Saturday. I really hope that they're all that I've made them out to be. I can't wait to try them on!!!