8 April 2009

The Morning After

I can't believe how much I've slept since yesterday! Although I do love to sleep (I've blogged about that before) I've spent very few hours awake since my surgery yesterday.

It's been hard to get around on my own. Getting up and sitting down requires Mr. JB's help. I almost burst into tears when I tried to get into bed last night! Our bed is quite high and I just couldn't get my legs up. I had to scootch my bottom a few times and then we piled the pillows really high in order to get me down. For someone that's really active and independent it's really hard for me to have to rely on someone else for my mobility.

The only pain I'm feeling right now is the incision under my belly button. The doctor bandaged up my belly button area with a whole bunch of surgical tape in the shape of a star. It's going to be mighty interesting taking that off after my shower! The little incision on the left bikini line is not a bother at all. I had to look in the mirror to see where it even was!

I had so much hope before my lap yesterday and now I'm just incredibly pissed off. Not only was nothing removed, which means that I will have to endure pain for a few more months. I also had no idea how bad the damage was inside! I've had every test possible: MRI's, CAT Scans, internal ultrasounds, external ultrasounds, HSG, Saline Sonohysterograms and none of my problems were even suspected (but my accessory spleen that's attached to one of my kidneys was discovered)! I'm also angry that over 17 years of complaining that none of my doctors suspected a thing! I had two ovarian cysts that sent me to hospital in an ambulance and all of my symptoms, the pain and the irregular bleeding was just brushed off.

So here I am, 34 years old, with stage 4 endo, adhesions, cysts and fibroids. All I've ever wanted in my life is to have a baby and now because of the lack of initiative from my doctors I don't know if that dream is possible.

I asked the doctor yesterday what our chances of having a baby were after the second surgery he didn't even want to guess. He said that his first priority was getting me healthy since I've dealt with so much pain for so many years.

I don't know girls. Not only do I need your prayers at this point, but I need hope. I'm in mourning right now.

Honestly Lord, I don't know how much more that I can take.

p.s. I apologize for not commenting on all of your blogs. Sitting up takes a lot of energy and it's really hard to type sideways while lying down. I am keeping up on the reading though!


  1. Courage JB! I'm sorry things didn't turn out. Please now that You and your DH are in my prayers.
    Peace of Christ fill your heart, mind, body and soul.

  2. I'm so sorry for the results of your surgery. I can't believe there wasn't anything they could do for you so that you wouldn't have to go under the knife again. And I can't believe that you weren't diagnosed earlier! It makes me angry that you have to go through this. I'm so sorry.

    I hope you recover from this surgery with all speed and little pain. My thoughts are with you.

  3. Oh, dear JB! I wish I could take away some of the pain and frustration you're feeling right now and give you a bit of peace. This is a big chunk of news to deal with all at once. Mourning is necessary and good right now, even if something very different from what you envision now winds up changing your world completely in the future.

    For my part (and I hope you don't mind me saying so at this time), I have every faith that you will be a mother, that you'll have someone who will fill your big heart with joy.

    Rest, watch some really stupid movies, and eat your favorite treat!

  4. and so you should be... pissed off and in mourning... for however long it takes as you take on this next chapter. get it out however it chooses to come.

  5. I'm here for you, stage iv endo isn't good, it just isn't and I wont lie to you. but it's also not impossible and i have known ladies with stage iv who have had surgery and become pregnant so it is possible.
    lupron will take care of most of the pain over the next few months and will help shrink everything.
    you should be angry, i'm angry for you too.

  6. I went through the exact same thing as you are now, and I know how incredibly hard it is waking up from surgery only to be told they didn't get anything and you need a second surgery because it was so extensive (I also know what it's like to not be diagnosed for many years, despite ER visits for excrutiating pain). I know that frustration and anger. But I'm on the other side of it now, endo-free and that seems like ages ago, and you'll be here in no time! I am praying for you, that this time of waiting goes by quickly, and that you get everything taken care of in your second surgery. There is hope!!!!!

  7. I am praying for restored hope for you!! I really do think this is a GOOD sign- - that you have a HUGE reason why you've been unsuccessful at TTC all this time, and I am really confident that your 2nd surgery will restore your fertility (as I've already said). Surgeons can do so much these days, and I have the utmost faith in their ability.

    Stay strong!! You're almost there.

  8. I promise to pray for you.

    Try to remember -- NOW you KNOW what is keeping you from conceiving. AND it will be fixed. Your anatomy will be restored and you will be on your way. Think of it as getting new ovaries and basically a whole new pelvis.

    Even though I haven't conceived yet, I still think my chances are much higher now than they were before my surgery. My chances then were basically zero.

    Do you know whether there was any endo on the bowel?

    I am so sorry about the diagnosis, I remember grieving, too ... I am still dealing with it in many ways. I know you are in shock.

    But you are not alone, we have all gone through it, too. And BETH is working on baby #2 who stood right in your shoes only 2 and 1/2 years ago. (she did the lupron before surgery and she's the only one whose conceived of us ... so maybe there's something to it!)

    I'm gonna put my money on you, JB!!!

  9. I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this!! Sometimes I feel that my diagnoses of unexplained infertility is just the result of doctors too lazy to do more testing. Every time I ask for a lap they say it isn't necessary. I was going to push one this time if we weren't under a time crunch since Cole's going to school in the fall and we'll be loosing our insurance. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I can kind of understand.

    I'm praying really hard for you and hoping for everything to work out well.


  10. Here is a little hope...my friend conceived after 2 surgeries and 18 months of trying! It CAN happen. YOU NEED to be healthy. Praise God you have a good surgeon. I was ticked after my surgery because I had NO endo! I was like, "then WHAT is causing my IF??!?!?"

  11. I still just don't know what to say. Now you know why you haven't been able to get pregnant, it is something that will be worked on with Lupron and surgery. It isn't impossible that you will never get pregnant.

    Just remember, you WILL be a mom.

    Thinking of you.

  12. Also, since Lupron is basically a drug induced menopause, you probably won't have periods and therefore not much pain in the next few months. I've had hardly any cramping since my second surgery too. Your days of pain are coming to an end!

  13. I know you will be a mom some day...nce you get 'all cleaned up' I have a feeling it will come quickly!

    Dr's can suck, one thing I have learned through my years of seeing many specialists, no isn't good enough, look and explore until you find something wrong with me, I have always been that way with Dr's. If I am not feeling good, there's a reason.

    I will keep you and Mr. JB in my thoughts!

  14. Take comfort that you are with a good doctor now. A doctor who knows how to treat us! Praise God!

    Its crazy that we live in the times we do, and womens health is treated like we are back in caves! Keep hope alive. I'll be praying for you!

    Rest up. I remember being surprised by how such a little incision could hurt so much. Take things slow. I'll be praying for you