My day started with a small success: I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and got back into bed all by myself. Unfortunately my small victory was the happiest thing that's happened to me today.
After I went back to bed and read for a little while I fell back asleep. I called down to Mr. JB to help me get changed (bending is still an issue), but I couldn't get out of bed. I spent the better part of an hour just crying. I've been so angry at the doctors and at the fact that my stage 4 endo and the rest of the mess in my pelvis have gone undiagnosed for over 17 years. I made my first complaint to my family doctor when I was in my second last year of high school. I remember my mom, who is a nurse, took me to the doctor because my period pain was unbearable. The doctor suggested putting me on the birth control pill, something that my mother completely and utterly disagreed with.
I'm so scared that now, when it finally matters, that the doctors that have ignored my cries for help, have ruined my chances of becoming a mom. My surgeon, when asked on Tuesday, didn't want to commit to an answer when I asked him what our chances would be after my second surgery. But at this point, after almost four years of trying, I'm feeling very little hope.
I'm in serious mourning folks. I'm not used to feeling sorry for myself. I'm also not used to being so angry. All I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry.