5 April 2009
JellyBelly Nostalgia & Worry
I do not deal well with change. At all. And this time I'm feeling pretty silly since I've been so sad about a television show ending!
ER started when I was in my first year of university. I remember piling into the common room of my residence to watch the "Must See TV" of Thursday nights. I continued to watch the show loyally even after I graduated from university and became an official adult (I even watched it in French when I lived abroad!). I even got Mr. JB hooked (although he did watch the show before we started dating, he had stopped watching because he said that it got to be too much like a soap opera). All season I felt so sad at the end of every episode because I knew that it was all ending.
And now it's done.
I know that I've been dealing with quite a bit of sadness and anxiety lately. My impending surgery on Tuesday has been weighing heavily on my mind. My classroom is almost ready for my absence and tomorrow is my last day. I decided that I would take at least until the 15th of April off. The supply teacher that is coming in for me isn't available on the 15th and I'm hoping that I will be well enough to go back. I did warn the school secretary that there is a chance that I may not be back that day, but I wouldn't know until after my surgery.
I went for another Reiki treatment on Friday afternoon and my practitioner and I had a great talk during and afterwards. The first spot that she worked on was my head and neck because I was carrying so much stress and tension in those areas. She could tell that I was anxious about my surgery and her advice to me was that I had to accept my anxiety and then I had to let it go. It wasn't serving me any purpose, but I did have to recognize my fear in order to deal with it. She also shared with me that she is unable to have children. It really meant a lot to me that she confided that to me.
I think that my biggest fear is actually knowing what the doctor is going to find on Tuesday. I'm afraid that the doctor is going to find something so absolutely wrong that I can't have children. I know that I want to have some final answers. It would really hurt to find that I can't carry a child, but I would finally be able to move on to adoption. Another thing that I'm worried about is the potential of finding other things wrong. What if the surgery is really extensive and I have a much longer recovery period? What if the surgery brings more questions?
This is what I've been dealing with.
I've wanted answers for so long, but now that I'm on the cusp of knowing I'm seized with fear.
Not only have I been with being sad and anxious, but I also have my period and I can't take any good painkillers! My cramps have been so bad all day that I've tried to sleep as much as I can and take it easy. I took some T.ylenol, but it barely dulls the pain. I took some P.amprin before Mass this morning not knowing that it could cause drowsiness! I was wondering why I was falling asleep during Mass when I had a good night's sleep! I felt like I was hungover even after sleeping for almost three hours when I got home. It's going to be a very interesting day tomorrow at school when I'm trying to deal with the intense cramps and 20 six year olds!
I have to call the hospital tomorrow between 12:30 and 3:30pm to find out what time my surgery is. I really hope that it's earlier in the day. I don't want to hang out at home all day worrying on Tuesday. I'm planning to pack a bag just in case I do have to stay in the hospital.
I hope that I haven't forgotten anything. My house is clean and all of my laundry is done. I've got clean sheets on my bed and the house is stocked with comfort food. Any last minute tips before my surgery?