11 April 2009
Coming out of the fog
Way back in my early adulthood (read: back in university) I imagined that my life would be pretty different. I'm not just talking about infertility, but I'm talking about how I actually lived my life. I spent my teenage years in a very boring, cookie cutter suburb and I rebelled against everything, although quietly. I still got A's, volunteered and was involved in my school life, but I also wore only black, dark red lipstick and listened to the Cure.
I never thought that my life would lead me back to the suburbs (and actually being happy!) with a perfectly reasonable job as a grade one teacher. Back in my early 20's I was convinced that I would be living in some sort of converted warehouse in a big city, Canadian or foreign I can't remember, married to some non-profit working science guy, still wearing lots of red lipstick and going to lots of artsy events.
I did get to live the dream of being an ex-pat in my relatively short time in Paris. I travelled, ate delicious food, drank too much wine (among other things), and hung out with interesting people from all over the world. I didn't have anything tethering me to any particular place and I did whatever I wanted. I knew in my heart that it was a temporary existence and that regardless of how blissfully happy I was in my tiny, tiny flat, that I would someday return to Canada to a "normal" life.
So what am I getting to here, you may be asking?
I have been struggling the past few days. Despite the beautiful sunshine and the promise of spring, I have so much in my heart and head that I have to sift through. Since my surgery on Tuesday I've oscillated between anger, absolute sadness to just numbness. I know that the news of my diagnosis is still so fresh that I can't possibly digest it all. I also know that my anger and frustration at the medical community is warranted. But in the end of it all I finally have answers. I can't dwell on the fact that the answers were very long in coming. As many of you have pointed out, stage 4 endo is not a sentence to barrenness, although that was all I heard when the doctor told me that he couldn't do anything about my messed up insides.
Waiting is something that I've always struggled with. I'm not patient, although infertility has taught me that I do not have any control over anything. I've learned so many things about myself and my relationship in the past four years of trying to make a baby, things that I would not trade for anything. I'm comforted in the thought that my husband has told me that regardless of whether or not we can have children he will be happy with just being with me. I pretty much knew that he would say that, but it was nice to hear nonetheless.
In the next few months I know that I'm going to be struggling with impatience. I will also be dealing with the side effects of L.upron -- honestly, I don't know how much crazier I can get, but it'll be interesting! Maybe I'll take up boxing or something to deal with the mood swings. I'm also looking forward to taking an official break from TTC. No drugs, probably no charting, no wondering that perhaps this month...
I know that I can't run away to the life that I thought I would be leading, after all I really like living in the suburbs and teaching grade one. I'm on this path for a reason, and I have to have faith in the fact that I can handle the struggle of becoming a mom. I do know one thing though: I have to stay away from Dr. Google in order to stay sane. No more looking up what laparotomy scars look like. No more searches about L.upron side effects. No more searches on pregnancy after stage 4 endo.
Instead I will focus on the positive. Here is my horoscope for today (although I really don't believe in astrology, it's always fun to read stuff that's good!):
Aquarius: A great source of tension and angst in your life is being eased. This weekend will be surprisingly enjoyable. Thanks to a stroke of luck what you have desired is about to come your way.