Crash

I'm losing my mind.

Or my hormones are all crazy wonky because I'm not on any progesterone. I'm feeling completely irrational and I don't feel like I'm functioning properly.

I need to put the computer away and lie down.

Oh dear Jesus, I think that the little men in the white coats need to lock me up.

I really hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Btw, it's CD2. The nasty brown arrived yesterday.

There really isn't enough chocolate in Canada to deal with how uneven I'm feeling.

Help!!!!!

Crazy 8's

I've been tagged! Duck from The Duck's big Ol' Blog of How to Build a Nest has tagged me - here are the rules.

Rules:
Mention the person that tagged you.

Complete the lists of 8's.

Tag 8 blogger friends, go tell them you tagged them...

8 Things That I'm Looking Forward To:

1. My basement renos being done.
2. Being able to leave a mess that no one sees when they enter my front door because all of our crap will be in the finished basement!
3. My second surgery to clean up the endo and assorted business in my ladyparts.
4. Summer vacation, I'm so done with grade one.
5. Having a new teaching partner 'cos I can't stand my current one.
6. Seeing leaves on all the beautiful trees around my house.
7. The end of the NHL playoffs so I can have normal conversations in the evening with my husband.
8. Not having to wear socks until next fall.

8 Things That I Did Yesterday:

1. Read blogs at work.
2. Made my class put their heads down because they just weren't listening.
3. Returned tax software that wasn't compatible with my computer.
4. Filed my taxes.
5. Talked with my crazy parents.
6. Ordered supplies for my classroom for next year.
7. Laminated. I love to laminate.
8. Walked outside in sandals and no jacket.

8 Things That I Wish I Could Do:

1. Get pregnant.
2. Give birth.
3. Practice yoga everyday without my body giving out.
4. Work part-time but make the same amount of money.
5. Eat whatever I want (not just the endo diet stuff, but the stuff I'm allergic to as well, I'd love to eat some scrambled eggs or salmon!).
6. Living in Paris for part of the year (and that's not Paris, Ontario folks!).
7. Not worry about money so much.
8. Stop being so damn envious of all my fertile friends.

8 Shows I Watch:

1. ER - I know it's cancelled, but I still can't let go
2. Decorating shows on HGTV - I love Sarah Richardson!!!! If I ever become rich she is totally going to design my entire house!
3. Cooking shows on FoodTV - I just discovered Gordon Ramsay and I'm hooked! I also love Iron Chef and Giada despite the fact that she got pregnant by "accident".
4. The Office (the American version) - I can't look away even though Michael Scott can be so unbearably strange!
5. Big Love -I'm fascinated by polygamy. I'm also fascinated by their reproductive prowess. Maybe I need a sister wife so I can have babies in my house. Then again, that would be a very bad idea.
6. Californication - I love David Duchovny, it's so smartly written and I love Hank's daughter, she's the kid I wanted to be when I was a teenager!
7. Jon & Kate Plus 8 - I can't avert my eyes! I also imagine that my kids are going to look like theirs, only with less money and no cameras
8. Saturday Night Live - I try to stay up, but I usually have to watch it the next day on PVR. I still think it's hilarious. Mr. JB things that NBC pays me to watch. It's a running joke at our house!


8 Favourite Fruits:

1. Mangoes
2. Blueberries
3. Strawberries
4. Avocadoes (they have a pit, so they're a fruit, right???)
5. Kiwis
6. Nectarines, but not peaches
7. Cherries
8. Lychees

8 Places I'd Like to Travel:

1. France (the parts I haven't been to yet with a LONG stop in Paris)
2. Italy (but not Rome)
3. Australia
4. Thailand (and do LOTS of yoga)
5. India (for more yoga)
6. Hong Kong
7. Scandinavia (I used to want to live in Sweden!)
8. Eastern Europe (Poland, Lithuania, Czech Republic [I've already been to Prague, but it's so beautiful!], the Baltic States)

8 Places I've Lived:

1. Etobicoke, ON, Canada
2. Mississauga, ON, Canada
3. Hamilton, ON, Canada
4. Winnipeg, MB, Canada
5. Ottawa, ON, Canada
6. Paris, France
7. Trois-Pistoles, QC, Canada
8. Toronto, ON, Canada

8 People I'm Tagging:

1. Sew
2. My Reality
3. This Cross I Embrace
4. All You Who Hope
5. Lifehopes
6. Jeremiah 29:11
7. Shinejil
8. Mrs. X

It pays to be nice

So I'm finally done filing our taxes. Thank God. I spent my entire prep time (45 minutes) on the phone with R.evenue Canada. I had to try six different phone numbers until I got a live person on the other end of the line! I honestly believe that my government makes it purposefully difficult for individuals to complete their income tax on their own. I'm sure there's some sort of conspiracy, but I'm not going to get into that here.

The best part of finishing our returns is that we're getting a pretty good refund. Woohoo! I know it's a bad thing to spend money before I get it but our window coverings are in a sad state (we didn't replace them when we moved in because we couldn't afford it!) and I think that we can finally afford to replace them! Yay! I'm going to shop around for quotes as soon as I feel better. Just imagining the ugly horizontal blinds in our bedroom gone from our lives makes me feel so much better!

Anyhow, when I was finishing up our return I got to the part in the program where I had to pay. When the price came up it was different from the one that was quoted by my bank. So I called up the customer service people to ask what I was doing wrong and I was transferred to a manager. The very nice man named Wayne explained to me that the special had ended at the end of March and he told me where to look on the internet. So I apologized and said that it was my fault for procrastinating and he said to me, "Hold on." So I did. Then he came back on the line and said, "Well Ms. JB since you were so nice I just credited your bank account $12.85 which is the price of your service charge."

I was completely floored. Wayne went on to tell me that he was so surprised at how nice I was being on the phone and that he was impressed that I took full responsibility. I'm guessing that he gets yelled at a lot. So I told him that I was a grade one teacher and that I practice what I preach. I also told him that I've banked with his company since I was 12 years old and that I've always been 100% happy with how they treat me. I do have to say that getting a $12.85 credit totally made my night!

I declined the baby shower invite last night. I will be sending a gift, but Mr. JB is going to drop it off at my old school. I just can't handle seeing all the bellies at my old school! I still haven't e-mailed my newly preggo girlfriend, but there's only so much a girl can do in an evening!

I'm so glad I figured out why my moods have been so crazy! I've been on some sort of progesterone supplement since June 2008 and going without is sending my hormones into a frenzy! Sew I totally get what you mean now!!! I can only imagine what we have in store when I go on the L.upron!

I definitely think that my husband and my class are going to need lots and lots of prayers!!!!

p.s. A prayer request:

A retired teacher from my school (who now regularly supply teaches at my school) needs some prayers. Her daughter is supposed to get married in Mexico at the end of May and she is in an absolute panic about this Swine Flu business. She doesn't know if they can move the wedding on such short notice and she also doesn't know if the Canadian government is going to let them even go. She also just found out that her maid of honour is not allowed to travel because of complications with her pregnancy. Please pray that everything works out for her. I could not imagine having to deal with this sort of stress before my wedding!

Crankypants JellyBelly *with updated crankiness

I'm so grumpy that I've decided to do my post in point form. So there.

1) Tax season sucks. I tried to finish off our 2008 taxes this afternoon (with the aid of a really helpful computer program) but I can't submit them because of lack of information on the part of the Canadian Revenue Agency. Now I have to call the government (which means being on hold forever) to get the info that I need. It sucks, especially since I spent almost four hours trying to navigate the government website just to figure out that I had to call. Argh.

2) I'm sick. Again. A kid in my class even said to me on Friday (in French), "Madame you are really sick. You should go home and go to bed." Very cute, but she was just as sick as I was and I'm certain that I have whatever bug she has!!! This is the fourth cold that I've gotten since September. I really hope that next year that I am not as sickly, if not I'm going back to teaching bigger kids!

3) My incisions have been hurting all day. I'm sure it has to do with all of the sneezing and coughing. I'm almost tempted to take some A.dvil because it's so annoying! I thought that I was supposed to be healing, not regressing!!!!

4) Because of my stupid cold we had to miss going to dinner with Mr. JB's high school friends. I was really looking forward to eating at the restaurant that we were meeting at AND we were supposed to visit my father-in-law afterwards. Instead, I stayed inside all day despite the warm weather yesterday. Mr. JB even wore shorts and sandals when he went to run errands while I laid the couch, sneezing.

5) I bought the cutest strappy wedge sandals today, but the strap is too loose! I wore them around my house today and I don't know if I can keep them. I'm going to my local shoe guy to see if he can take the elastic strap in a touch so I can wear them. Shoes usually make me happy, but in this case they're making me more grumpy.

6) I still haven't e-mailed or called the friend that called to announce her pregnancy. I haven't been able to decide whether or not to tell her about my endo and my second surgery. I really hate not being able to make a decision.

7) My anti-inflammatory diet is starting to annoy me. I hate that I can't just eat the things that I normally ate. Mr. JB is making me quinoa to eat with dinner -- which is pork roast and I know that pork is on the list of things that I can't eat, but honestly, how much chicken can a girl eat???? Apparently it looks like oatmeal. We would usually have mashed potatoes (my favourite!), but I can't eat those anymore either. And as tasty as almond butter is, it really sucked to eat it on a rice cake this morning for breakfast. Yuck.

8) I'm infertile and I have stage IV endo, adhesions, fibroids and ovarian cysts. I don't think that I need to explain that one.

9) Mr. JB went to my cousin's confirmation party yesterday and my entire family knew about my surgery. Part of me is relieved that I don't have to worry about telling them why we are still childless. Another part of me is pretty annoyed that my crazy mother blabbed to all of her siblings. My family loves to gossip which is the main reason why we didn't tell any of them about our IF struggles. Well, the cat is out of the bag on that one. Thanks mom.

10) I had to call my crazy mom this afternoon because my student loan tax info is still being mailed to their house (I haven't lived there in over 10 years and I have no excuse as to why I haven't changed my address). I asked her to open the envelope (which I'm sure she did anyway because she's always opened my mail) and when she saw how much I owed she gave me a lecture. Does she forget that I was in university for 10 years and that in the past four years I helped pay for a wedding, bought a car and a house. I'm also pretty bitter because my parents were not very supportive about my post-graduate studies. They actually gave me a lecture when I told them that I was applying to graduate school! I'm also bitter because they could've paid for a big chunk of my education, but they didn't like that I studied French at university. I'm sure that if I continued studying science that they would've paid for EVERYTHING, but I was "rebellious" and I got a degree that would never get me a job. Hmmm, obviously they were wrong since I've been gainfully employed as a teacher since 2000! So there!

11) I wish that I could go for a good run or a really difficult yoga class so I could take this negative energy and turn it into something constructive. I hate it that my body is taking so long to heal.

12) I hate the NHL playoffs. Why do they have to take so freaking long????

13) I want school to be done. Now.

14) I'd really like a BIG glass of wine, but I can't. Alcohol isn't allowed on my new stupid diet.

15) Our basement renos are supposedly starting in the beginning of May. Our contractor is a member of the family and he's not giving us a family discount. The quote he gave us is $2400 more than we told him we could spend. I refuse to spend that much since we're finishing the basement in an effort to up the resale value of our house. I want to move in 5 years. Spending almost $20 000 on a basement that I'm going to enjoy for 4 1/2 years just doesn't seem worth it. My basement is also full of junk and I haven't been able to clean it out and Mr. JB is painfully slow and easily distracted (see #12) so it's just not getting done.

16) I was invited to a baby shower that's being thrown for three of my former colleagues -- one woman was a birth controlling Catholic until she decided last summer that she actually wanted to have kids and got pregnant immediately afterwards. I can't go. If I were to go I would have a breakdown. Three pregnant women, two of which were married after me, would be too much for my IF brain to take. I have to come up with a good excuse, pronto!

I think that's it.

Sorry that I'm such a grump. Hopefully tomorrow is going to be a better day.

p.s. The cranky pendant can be found here: http://www.etsy.com/view_transaction.php?transaction_id=8165514

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Update:

I realized this morning as I was grumping around my house why I'm such a crankbox! This is my first month in almost a year where I am not on any sort of progesterone supplement! So I'm certain that I'm having fullblown PMS symptoms as well as some sort of hormone-deprived psychoses.  Mr. JB drove me to school this morning and I told him that I suspected that it was a lack of hormones that was making me nuts and he joked that he's going to have to get himself a helmet for when I'm on the L.upron! 

Don't worry, I laughed, I didn't hit him over the head with anything! 

Coming out of the closet?

First off, thank you all for your opinions and advice on L.upron. I've been doing A LOT of contemplating, praying and researching and I do have to say that I'm leaning towards taking it. Sew suggested that I e-mail the CEC to get their official opinion on my case and I also asked the nurse at Pope Paul VI some more questions. My appointment with my surgeon is on May 4th, luckily I see my Napro doctor right before so I can get her opinion as well. 

Honestly, before IF I was much better at making decisions! 

So last night I noticed on our call display that one of my girlfriends had phoned. Although we are very good friends, we aren't exactly "phone friends", instead we e-mail one another and then go out together. I had a feeling in my gut (and also the last time we had dinner at her house) that she was expecting, and of course my instincts were right! 

Yet another friend that was married (two years) after me that is expecting. I am happy for her, don't get me wrong. She's gone through a lot in the past few years: her first husband cheated on her and she had to deal with an icky divorce and she was barely 30 when all of this happened. Her new husband is amazing, Mr. JB and I love him. They were the couple that we travelled France with last summer so we get along great. 

But yet again I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. I kept on waking up last night (something that I never do because I sleep like the dead!) thinking, "She's pregnant before me." 

Mr. JB told her that I would call her today and I just can't without crying. I don't want to spoil her excitement with my infertility.

Which brings me to another realization: I need to come our of the infertility closet.

My fertile friends don't know that I'm going through this pain. They have no idea that their joyous news hurts me so much. Now, I don't think that I'm going to send them a link to my blog, but some of them need to know. 

But how do I tell them? I know that I can't go out to S.tarbucks and tell them over a latte. I don't know if a mass e-mail is going to work. I know I'll break down if I tell them over the phone. 

So what to do? How did all of you tell your friends and family? Was it easier after you told them or was it more difficult? 

The last thing I want is a pity-party. I'm good at throwing those all by myself. 

Advice? Assvice? Help! 

The BIG Question

So friends, I am in need of advice.

Since my diagnosis two weeks ago I have had to deal with the implications of my impending treatment. I mentioned last week that I spoke to my FertilityCare practitioner and she directed me to the Pope Paul VI people. She wasn't sure if Dr. Hilgers uses L.upron in the treatment of endo. So I e-mailed the nurse (a phone call was just too difficult logistically) and I got my response today.

L.upron according to Dr. Hilgers, is a no go.

Here is what she said:

Dr. Hilgers does not recommend Lupron. It does make the endo dormant, but
does not in any way treat it. The only way to get rid of the endo is to have
it all removed. Until the time that it is all removed it does continue to
multiply. But, Dr. Hilgers does not feel that shutting a woman's cycle down
is the answer while waiting the have the major surgery. You would want to
ask about the percent of recurrence of the endo after the doctor does
surgery. Dr. Hilgers is extremely meticulous and his recurrence rate is very
low. He is also very good at dealing with the adhesions and fibroids without
leaving more adhesions behind. I attached a letter explaining how to do a
consult if you are interested in possibly having Dr. Hilgers work with you.

I am in a conundrum here. My surgeon is not going to operate on my endo unless I go on the L.upron (at least this is what I assume since he didn't give me any other options when we spoke post-lap). I also cannot justify the expense of going to Omaha to have Dr. Hilgers remove my endo. Honestly, can I really turn away FREE health care????? I know that there are Canadian women that go to Dr. Hilgers for their treatment (my practitioner told me so), but I don't have $10 000 sitting in my bank account to pay for surgery. I do have cash in the bank to pay for my basement renovations, but we can't touch that since we're already hired a contractor!

So what do I do here? My instincts and husband both say that I should go for it. A woman on my staff and her sister we put on a similar protocol (although it was almost 30 years ago) and they both went on to conceive seven children between them. I think of Beth who just had her second child who was on the drug. I think of another friend that said that it shrunk her endo so much that her surgery isn't going to be as extensive.

Am I crazy to go against the advice of a doctor that has helped so many? Or am I putting faith into a surgeon that has come highly recommended and who works at a Catholic teaching hospital?

I don't want to kick myself if this doesn't work, but I know that if I don't go with my gut that I will be second-guessing myself for the rest of my life.

Help!!!!

Spring Dreams

So we got a taste of the warmer weather to come this past weekend. It was unseasonably warm around here (20C) and I didn't have to wear a jacket or socks! I even got a little bit of a tan on my arms yesterday. Yay! Unfortunately we've been brought back to reality and we're back to "seasonal" temperatures (7C). I did a tiny bit of yard work today and I had to wear a sweater, but in the sun it was still nice.

I had the busiest day since my surgery yesterday (work really doesn't count). I went for a walk with My Reality in the morning and then I went to S.tarbucks with Duck in the afternoon. Then Mr. JB and I went to the grocery store armed with my list of things that I have to eat in my post-endo/anti-inflammatory diet world. I never thought that I would ever buy a loaf of bread for $6, but I did! I do have to say that I'm so glad that it is so much easier to find food alternatives. Since I've suffered from allergies my entire life, I know how hard it is to find things to eat! Well, we spent $206 on groceries and we didn't even get any produce because we got our organic fruits and veggies delivery on Friday! I almost had a heart attack.

But I guess the inflated price is worth the extra health benefits. I had a rice cake with almond butter this morning for breakfast and it was delicious AND I was pain free! It's going to take a while to eliminate the gluten, refined sugars and all the other goodies that I love. It's especially tough since Mr. JB is the main cook of the household and he can eat whatever he wants! I have to keep repeating the word moderation in my head. I know that I can't eliminate things cold turkey over night, but at least I'm taking the steps towards a healthier diet.

My first two days back at work were really good for my mental state. The kids were so excited to see me. Honestly, I will never have a low self-esteem being a grade one teacher! Each student gave me a hug when they came into the room and their faces lit up when they saw me. I ask the kids how they are every morning during our circle routine and all of them said that they were happy to see me back. In seven years of teaching I have never had such a reception!

I explained to the kids that I was sick in my belly and that the doctor told me that I had to stay in bed until I was better. One little boy asked me if I vomited (I did, once, before my surgery because I was so nervous and hungry!) and when I said yes the entire class realized how sick I was. Although I'm sure that I could've used the two days at home, I'm so glad that I went back early. By Friday afternoon I was feeling like my old self and I was moving around without any pain (or thoughts of my next surgery).

So even though the local forecast is calling for rain and cooler weather, I'm feeling more optimistic. I'm actually looking forward to having a break from TTC, especially having a break from the period pain! I'm thinking of trying spinning up until my surgery to counteract the effects of L.upron and training for the local dragon boat race is going to start soon. I'm going to back to yoga class this week, although I will be starting off with the gentler classes until I'm feeling 100%.

I'm amazed at how much better I'm doing. I just hope that this feeling is here to stay, at least for a little while.

Anxiety & Castor Oil -- What a mix!

My last day of my surgery "vacation" didn't start very well. I had an anxiety attack when I woke up -- my heart was racing and I couldn't calm myself down. I was so overwhelmed at the thought of the mess in my ladyparts AND I was anxious about going to work tomorrow. Luckily, Mr. JB hadn't started teaching for the day so I phoned him and he talked me down.

Have I mentioned lately how great my husband is?

After crying it out I finally got up and had some breakfast and I started to feel better. I was even pretty productive -- I had to cancel some credit cards (which we had to apply for when we got our bedroom and kitchen furniture and are both completely paid off, yay!) and then change my only personal credit card to an A.ir Miles one. All of our money is in a big communal pot and the two credit cards that we use on a regular basis are both joint. The card that I had to change today is the only independent card that I have from my hubby. The only thing that I charge to that card is purchases from I.t.unes, but still it's all mine.

I really hate talking to strangers on the phone. If I can help it I really don't answer the phone at home. I have call display on both my home and cell phones. I'm a pretty social girl, but there's something about dealing with customer service people that bothers me. I wasn't like this before I got married, but now that I have someone to depend on to do stuff I don't like, I take advantage!

I also spoke to my Creighton practitioner on the phone and I'm so glad that I did! I posted yesterday about whether or not I should continue charting despite my obvious infertility. L said that I definitely should. She also mentioned (as did This Cross I Embrace) that I contact the nurses at Pope Paul VI with my Lupron question. She said that it isn't usually the protocol for Napro doctors to use Lupron and that she thought that it was important to get all the information possible before I see the surgeon again. I spoke to a very nice lady in Omaha today and we figured out that the best course of action is to e-mail my Lupron question to the nurse. L's advice totally empowered me, and although I'm pretty much resigned to taking the "evil" drug, at least I will know all of my options.

I also went to see my naturopath this afternoon to discuss my dire diagnosis. She had A LOT of advice and sympathy for me. She's a great lady and I always feel like she is so present and interested in what I'm telling her. One thing that she thinks that will help is an anti-inflammatory diet. It's not unlike the endo diet, but the focus is definitely on getting my insides less angry. It's definitely going to be tough and it will take some adjusting too (especially since it's my hubby that's the cook in the house!), but I'm ready to do anything to help my symptoms.

My naturopath also wants me to do a liver detox from now until after the surgery. All I have to do is take three different kinds of drops (that aren't too costly, thank God!). I also have to continue with taking my adrenal support, garlic supplement, acidophilis and digestive enzymes. The biggest thing that she wants me to do is a castor oil pack. Basically I have to put castor oil on a tea towel and then put my heating pad on top of it. She wants me to fall asleep with it on my belly every night until my surgery. Castor oil packs are supposed to help with breaking down scar tissue (including the scars from my lap!) as well as the adhesions on the inside. At this point I'm ready to try anything, and really I usually fall asleep with my heating pad on my belly every night anyway.

My girlfriend B and her son M came over to drop off my new yoga mat, bag and yoga towel. Our friend S moved to the Ann Arbour, MI a year ago and she lets us Canuck girls send our US internet purchases to her so we save on the duty and shipping costs. I'm finally the owner of the C.adillac of all yoga mats: the M.anduka. I can't wait until I feel better so I can break it in! The best part of getting the new yoga stuff is that it was all birthday money from my father-in-law and Mr. JB's winnings at the track (yes, it's an agreement that we have. He bets on horses if I get 50% of the winnings. It's our money after all!).

So tomorrow's the big day. I ran all of my errands today without having to take a five hour nap, but I did take a little 40 minute one at 5:30pm. I plan to get to bed super early, so I will be bright eyed and bushy tailed for the kiddies. I'm going to have to do some major explaining!!!

I'm sure that a big part of my anxiety was not being around people and being out of my routine. I thrive on having my day ruled by the clock. I know, it's sick. It'll also be great to have the distraction of 20 6 year olds. Ask me again tomorrow at the end of the day if I feel the same way!

Thank you all for all of your support, prayers, e-mails and phone calls. I honestly don't know what I would've done without all of you. I know that I've been struggling with what God has planned for my family, but in His wisdom He did bring all of you into my life! Hah, one good thing that this IF struggle has brought me!

Cabin Fever

In my post-surgery fog last week I couldn't imagine feeling cabin fever. Alas, a week later, I'm feeling it. Bad.

I guess it's an indication that my body is feeling better. I'm moving around almost like my pre-lap self and my energy levels are improving. Even after yesterday's eyebrow threading and walking around the outlet mall adventure I didn't take a nap (but I did fall sound asleep on the couch until 4am!). It's absolutely amazing how great I feel just knowing that all the excess hair from my face has been removed!

When I first woke up this morning after Mr. JB left for work I was overcome with panic. It reminded me of the days back in university when panic attacks took over my life for about six months. I talked myself down and fell back asleep. I think that I'm becoming a victim of being away from the world. I'm a social being. I thrive on the craziness of being a grade one teacher AND I also love feeling the energy of other people around me.

How did I ever think that I could be happy staying home? Then again, the staying home also involved being a mom. I wouldn't be bored if I had a baby to occupy my time, I'm sure.

But I digress. I am looking forward to going back to work on Thursday. I have decided to call my supply teacher and ask her if she can be "on call" for Friday just in case I need another day. I can't believe how much I miss my class and I know that they miss me. I'm sure that they're worried about how I'm doing. Whenever I know that I'm going to be away I tell them, but this time I've been away for over a week without an explanation. Don't worry, I'll be bringing them Easter treats to make up for it!

Again, my horoscope is spot on. Here goes:

Aquarius: When we dwell excessively on our problems, we lose perspective. Life then becomes perplexing and even depressing. Your best bet, at least for the time being, is to pay your troubles less attention.

So, instead of dwelling on my messed up ladyparts. I'm going to watch a movie (on DVD, I'm not brave enough to leave the house on my own today) and then perhaps I'll head to S.tarbucks and get myself a treat. But first I'm going to have some lunch. I should take advantage of having an uninterrupted, enjoyable lunch since I usually have to wolf down my food because of my teacherly responsibilities.

My goodness, how far I've come in a week!

p.s. I haven't stopped spotting since my surgery last week. AF arrived on April 4th and the day of my surgery (April 7th) I had very light flow, although I still had moderate cramps. I haven't stopped the Low Dose Naltrexone and I did take HCG last month so I was hoping that my period wouldn't have gone haywire already. All the surgeon did was take a look-see. Could the lap be causing the spotting? Or it is just the perils of endo?

Also, I haven't charted since the very start of my period. Should I bother? Since there is no way that I could possibly conceive until after my second surgery, should I save the stickers until then?

Heavy on my chest

I thought that my horoscope was the indication of better things today:

Aquarius: Delays in achieving dreams inevitably brings frustration. Like a dog chasing its tail, what we want always seems to be just beyond our reach. Stay in pursuit. Be consistently determined. A happy conclusion is nearer than you think.

I've read many positive horoscopes in the past almost-four years of TTC. Every month around day 28 I've felt the hopefulness that perhaps I would get my BFP that month. Even the past three months on the evil C.lomid when I made it to CD 32 and I saw the smile of my hopeful Napro doctor, I felt that hope.

Today I just feel like an elephant is on my chest. I'm sure it has to do with being a hermit in my own house. I've only been out twice since last Tuesday, and really I'm a little scared about joining the real world again. Mr. JB goes back to work tomorrow and officially I go back to school on Thursday. Physically I'm feeling better, but mentally not so much.

When I lived alone I forced myself to go outside everyday. I would make myself interact with people because I knew the perils of becoming too insular. I've dealt with clinical depression, I've dealt with anxiety issues, I knew what I had to do to avoid it. In the past six days I've indulged myself. I've slept way too much, although I'm sure part of it is the healing process. My appetite isn't as voracious as it usually is, but I've been pretty stationary. I'm also still in mourning.

So today I'm going to force myself to be a functioning member of society. I'm going to start with getting my eyebrows done -- I had no idea how overgrown they looked until getting ready for mass yesterday! Eeek! I don't know where else we're going to go, but it'll have to be somewhere before I lose my mind.

I'm definitely in need of a hobby. Beth has suggested knitting, and I think it's a fine idea! I have a girlfriend on maternity leave right now who has offered to teach me (she's also been stockpiling the wool for me to fool around with). Perhaps a phone call is in order...

Coming out of the fog

Way back in my early adulthood (read: back in university) I imagined that my life would be pretty different. I'm not just talking about infertility, but I'm talking about how I actually lived my life. I spent my teenage years in a very boring, cookie cutter suburb and I rebelled against everything, although quietly. I still got A's, volunteered and was involved in my school life, but I also wore only black, dark red lipstick and listened to the Cure.

I never thought that my life would lead me back to the suburbs (and actually being happy!) with a perfectly reasonable job as a grade one teacher. Back in my early 20's I was convinced that I would be living in some sort of converted warehouse in a big city, Canadian or foreign I can't remember, married to some non-profit working science guy, still wearing lots of red lipstick and going to lots of artsy events.

I did get to live the dream of being an ex-pat in my relatively short time in Paris. I travelled, ate delicious food, drank too much wine (among other things), and hung out with interesting people from all over the world. I didn't have anything tethering me to any particular place and I did whatever I wanted. I knew in my heart that it was a temporary existence and that regardless of how blissfully happy I was in my tiny, tiny flat, that I would someday return to Canada to a "normal" life.

So what am I getting to here, you may be asking?

I have been struggling the past few days. Despite the beautiful sunshine and the promise of spring, I have so much in my heart and head that I have to sift through. Since my surgery on Tuesday I've oscillated between anger, absolute sadness to just numbness. I know that the news of my diagnosis is still so fresh that I can't possibly digest it all. I also know that my anger and frustration at the medical community is warranted. But in the end of it all I finally have answers. I can't dwell on the fact that the answers were very long in coming. As many of you have pointed out, stage 4 endo is not a sentence to barrenness, although that was all I heard when the doctor told me that he couldn't do anything about my messed up insides.

Waiting is something that I've always struggled with. I'm not patient, although infertility has taught me that I do not have any control over anything. I've learned so many things about myself and my relationship in the past four years of trying to make a baby, things that I would not trade for anything. I'm comforted in the thought that my husband has told me that regardless of whether or not we can have children he will be happy with just being with me. I pretty much knew that he would say that, but it was nice to hear nonetheless.

In the next few months I know that I'm going to be struggling with impatience. I will also be dealing with the side effects of L.upron -- honestly, I don't know how much crazier I can get, but it'll be interesting! Maybe I'll take up boxing or something to deal with the mood swings. I'm also looking forward to taking an official break from TTC. No drugs, probably no charting, no wondering that perhaps this month...

I know that I can't run away to the life that I thought I would be leading, after all I really like living in the suburbs and teaching grade one. I'm on this path for a reason, and I have to have faith in the fact that I can handle the struggle of becoming a mom. I do know one thing though: I have to stay away from Dr. Google in order to stay sane. No more looking up what laparotomy scars look like. No more searches about L.upron side effects. No more searches on pregnancy after stage 4 endo.

Instead I will focus on the positive. Here is my horoscope for today (although I really don't believe in astrology, it's always fun to read stuff that's good!):

Aquarius: A great source of tension and angst in your life is being eased. This weekend will be surprisingly enjoyable. Thanks to a stroke of luck what you have desired is about to come your way.

So there.

Small victories

I'm physically feeling a lot better today. I got out of bed and got dressed all by myself this morning! Woohoo! My brother-in-law drove in from Montreal last night so I didn't want to call Mr. JB from the living room to help me and I was feeling a lot more energetic this morning. I'm still finding bending difficult, but now that the tape is off of my belly button incision it is much easier to bend.

I almost threw up yesterday when I took off the bandage! I tried to get it off in the shower but since I can't see without my glasses I had to wait until I was done. I actually burst into tears when I saw how scary it looked inside my formerly cute belly button! What am I going to do when I have the laparotomy in a few months????? Honestly, just the thought of being opened up just scares the living daylights out of me. Now how am I going to deal with looking at that??

Today being Good Friday has been a quiet day around our house. Mr. JB went to church but I didn't feel up to it. I thought that I could attend the Stations of the Cross this evening, but I just don't have the energy. Thank God that we have S.alt and L.ight on TV! I really hope that I feel up to going to mass on Easter Sunday. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty since I have a valid reason, but I can't remember missing mass during Holy Week!

I'm hoping that I'll be able to remove the last bandage today without feeling sick to my stomach. There are only two bandages rather than four and it's a little harder to see than the stitches in my belly button. And perhaps I'll go outside tomorrow -- I haven't been out of my house since coming home on Tuesday.

I'm on the road to feeling better, mentally and physically. I only got weepy once today which is a big improvement from yesterday. Baby steps, right?

Low, low, low

My day started with a small success: I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and got back into bed all by myself. Unfortunately my small victory was the happiest thing that's happened to me today.

After I went back to bed and read for a little while I fell back asleep. I called down to Mr. JB to help me get changed (bending is still an issue), but I couldn't get out of bed. I spent the better part of an hour just crying. I've been so angry at the doctors and at the fact that my stage 4 endo and the rest of the mess in my pelvis have gone undiagnosed for over 17 years. I made my first complaint to my family doctor when I was in my second last year of high school. I remember my mom, who is a nurse, took me to the doctor because my period pain was unbearable. The doctor suggested putting me on the birth control pill, something that my mother completely and utterly disagreed with.

I'm so scared that now, when it finally matters, that the doctors that have ignored my cries for help, have ruined my chances of becoming a mom. My surgeon, when asked on Tuesday, didn't want to commit to an answer when I asked him what our chances would be after my second surgery. But at this point, after almost four years of trying, I'm feeling very little hope.

I'm in serious mourning folks. I'm not used to feeling sorry for myself. I'm also not used to being so angry. All I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry.

Help.

The Morning After

I can't believe how much I've slept since yesterday! Although I do love to sleep (I've blogged about that before) I've spent very few hours awake since my surgery yesterday.

It's been hard to get around on my own. Getting up and sitting down requires Mr. JB's help. I almost burst into tears when I tried to get into bed last night! Our bed is quite high and I just couldn't get my legs up. I had to scootch my bottom a few times and then we piled the pillows really high in order to get me down. For someone that's really active and independent it's really hard for me to have to rely on someone else for my mobility.

The only pain I'm feeling right now is the incision under my belly button. The doctor bandaged up my belly button area with a whole bunch of surgical tape in the shape of a star. It's going to be mighty interesting taking that off after my shower! The little incision on the left bikini line is not a bother at all. I had to look in the mirror to see where it even was!

I had so much hope before my lap yesterday and now I'm just incredibly pissed off. Not only was nothing removed, which means that I will have to endure pain for a few more months. I also had no idea how bad the damage was inside! I've had every test possible: MRI's, CAT Scans, internal ultrasounds, external ultrasounds, HSG, Saline Sonohysterograms and none of my problems were even suspected (but my accessory spleen that's attached to one of my kidneys was discovered)! I'm also angry that over 17 years of complaining that none of my doctors suspected a thing! I had two ovarian cysts that sent me to hospital in an ambulance and all of my symptoms, the pain and the irregular bleeding was just brushed off.

So here I am, 34 years old, with stage 4 endo, adhesions, cysts and fibroids. All I've ever wanted in my life is to have a baby and now because of the lack of initiative from my doctors I don't know if that dream is possible.

I asked the doctor yesterday what our chances of having a baby were after the second surgery he didn't even want to guess. He said that his first priority was getting me healthy since I've dealt with so much pain for so many years.

I don't know girls. Not only do I need your prayers at this point, but I need hope. I'm in mourning right now.

Honestly Lord, I don't know how much more that I can take.

p.s. I apologize for not commenting on all of your blogs. Sitting up takes a lot of energy and it's really hard to type sideways while lying down. I am keeping up on the reading though!

We're Home

Hello,

It's Mr. JB.

We got home just before 3 o'clock. First off, the day started with JB finding out her anesthetic was a truth serum. She is allergic to eggs so the normal anesthetic wasn't going to work. The surgery lasted 40 minutes and she was given morphine and another medication that starts with a P because she was shaking as she came to. Does anyone know what that is? JB has stage four endometriosis. The Doc couldn't do anything about it today. She has adhesions, fibroids, cysts and her right fallopian tube was obscured by the endometriosis. The Doc seemed genuinely irritated that this had not been dealt before now. She'll start taking lupron at the beginning of May and there will be surgery in four months. He mentioned that this surgery is his specialty. JB has been sleeping a lot because the truth serum knocks you out more than the normal stuff. The only pain she feels right now is from the incision below her belly button. The only pain medication that she was told to take was Tylenol and Ibuprofen.

Thanks to Sew for keeping everyone updated.

Thanks for prayers and we're going to need a few more in the next little while.

My last post with endo (Thank God!!!)

I've suffered quite a bit today. I didn't realize until I couldn't take i.buprophen how much I relied on it. T.ylenol barely made a dent and if it wasn't for sleep and my heating pad I wouldn't have been able to do anything today.

I packed a bag just in case I do have to stay in the hospital. I'm not thinking clearly so I'm sure I didn't pack well, but at least I have the comfort of knowing that I'm prepared to stay. I hope and pray that I don't have to. I've been admitted twice in my life and both times were horrible (once for a really bad asthma attack and once for a really bad colitis flare-up). I've been praying all day that I will be able to come home and rest in my comfy house.

Thank you all for your support and prayers leading up to my surgery. My hubby is going to be texting Sew with updates so she will have the 411. I don't know what state I will be in if I do make it home tomorrow night, but I will try to get Mr. JB to update all of you if I'm lucid.

I'm no longer scared or anxious about my surgery. I've spent a lot of time praying and I know that this is where I'm supposed to be. Regardless of what the doctor finds tomorrow I will be okay with the outcome.

My surgery tomorrow marks our biggest step forward, and that's what I've been looking for all this time.

Wishful thinking * with surgery time update

I don't know why I thought that I could work today.

I guess I really am the eternal optimist. Or I'm just crazy. Or both.

I woke up at 4:30 am to go to the bathroom. Before I went to bed I took two extra strength T.ylenols, just in case. So when I got up the first time this morning I took two more thinking that when I got up at 6:30 that I would be good to go.

Alas, it was the exact opposite.

Not only did the T.ylenol not work one bit, but my bowels were also very angry at me (sorry, TMI!). I had to go to the bathroom four times before I even finished my cereal! Needless to say, Mr. JB called my school secretary to tell her that there was no way I could work today. Not only is the bathroom really far from my classroom, I can't really leave a class of 20 grade one students alone to use it!

So I'm back in bed with the heating pad -- the only source of relief that I have since I can't take any of the good pain medication before my surgery tomorrow. I'm glad that the urge to go to the bathroom has subsided a bit and that I don't feel like I have to throw up anymore.

Honestly, is it really going to get better after surgery? Will my periods really be almost pain-free?

p.s. I had that strangest dream last night! I dreamt that I had a little girl who was blonde (not really possible since I'm Asian!), but my ex-boyfriend was her dad (which is the scariest part of the dream since I didn't want children with that man at all, hence he is my ex!). I was at a party at my ex's mother's house and I was leaving my little girl behind. I was at the door putting my boots on wondering why I had to leave her there. When I realized that I had to get her I woke up. I was so confused when I woke up. I kept on thinking, I want to get my baby. I have to get her. Why isn't she with me?

Strange, I know.
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Update:

I just called the hospital for my surgery time. I have to check in by 7am and my surgery is a 9:10am.

Honestly, after dealing with this pain today it can't come any sooner!

JellyBelly Nostalgia & Worry

I do not deal well with change. At all. And this time I'm feeling pretty silly since I've been so sad about a television show ending!

ER started when I was in my first year of university. I remember piling into the common room of my residence to watch the "Must See TV" of Thursday nights. I continued to watch the show loyally even after I graduated from university and became an official adult (I even watched it in French when I lived abroad!). I even got Mr. JB hooked (although he did watch the show before we started dating, he had stopped watching because he said that it got to be too much like a soap opera). All season I felt so sad at the end of every episode because I knew that it was all ending.

And now it's done.

I know that I've been dealing with quite a bit of sadness and anxiety lately. My impending surgery on Tuesday has been weighing heavily on my mind. My classroom is almost ready for my absence and tomorrow is my last day. I decided that I would take at least until the 15th of April off. The supply teacher that is coming in for me isn't available on the 15th and I'm hoping that I will be well enough to go back. I did warn the school secretary that there is a chance that I may not be back that day, but I wouldn't know until after my surgery.

I went for another Reiki treatment on Friday afternoon and my practitioner and I had a great talk during and afterwards. The first spot that she worked on was my head and neck because I was carrying so much stress and tension in those areas. She could tell that I was anxious about my surgery and her advice to me was that I had to accept my anxiety and then I had to let it go. It wasn't serving me any purpose, but I did have to recognize my fear in order to deal with it. She also shared with me that she is unable to have children. It really meant a lot to me that she confided that to me.

I think that my biggest fear is actually knowing what the doctor is going to find on Tuesday. I'm afraid that the doctor is going to find something so absolutely wrong that I can't have children. I know that I want to have some final answers. It would really hurt to find that I can't carry a child, but I would finally be able to move on to adoption. Another thing that I'm worried about is the potential of finding other things wrong. What if the surgery is really extensive and I have a much longer recovery period? What if the surgery brings more questions?

This is what I've been dealing with.

I've wanted answers for so long, but now that I'm on the cusp of knowing I'm seized with fear.

Not only have I been with being sad and anxious, but I also have my period and I can't take any good painkillers! My cramps have been so bad all day that I've tried to sleep as much as I can and take it easy. I took some T.ylenol, but it barely dulls the pain. I took some P.amprin before Mass this morning not knowing that it could cause drowsiness! I was wondering why I was falling asleep during Mass when I had a good night's sleep! I felt like I was hungover even after sleeping for almost three hours when I got home. It's going to be a very interesting day tomorrow at school when I'm trying to deal with the intense cramps and 20 six year olds!

I have to call the hospital tomorrow between 12:30 and 3:30pm to find out what time my surgery is. I really hope that it's earlier in the day. I don't want to hang out at home all day worrying on Tuesday. I'm planning to pack a bag just in case I do have to stay in the hospital.

I hope that I haven't forgotten anything. My house is clean and all of my laundry is done. I've got clean sheets on my bed and the house is stocked with comfort food. Any last minute tips before my surgery?

What do you all think????

Okay, I've been stressing quite a bit. I told my principal that I may need two weeks to recover after my surgery. I have the sick days and a good supply teacher booked already for the first week with the option to extend my sick leave. Am I just being greedy? So many of you said that I would be feeling better in 3 or 4 days. Since my surgery falls right before the Easter Break I will have 6 days off (we get Easter Monday off too). Is that enough??? Or should I come back the Thursday and Friday after Easter? 

Part of me wants to stay home and completely recuperate, but another part of me doesn't want to leave my class for two weeks!

Advice anyone?