Progesterone-Deprived Stupor

I never thought that I would miss HCG injections. I think back to August when I was absolutely petrified of having to stick myself and the tears that were shed at the thought of injections. But now after a month off of the fertility train, I miss it.

I miss the C.lomid that made my period last a perfect six days (although I don't miss the excruciating pain that it caused). I especially miss the progesterone that evened out my moods (damned PMS!!) and extended my luteal phase (I went from having 32 day cycles to 25!!!!). I also hate the endless brown spotting that will result in a painful period.

But the one thing that I miss is having hope. I know now that there is no way that I can get pregnant with the mess that is going on in my insides. I constantly hear my surgeon's voice saying, "You can stop all of the fertility stuff because you're not going to get pregnant with everything that's going on in your uterus!"

Ouch.

I feel like I'm loosing it. I can't seem to make a decision or do simple tasks that used to be so easy! I hate walking around in a fog. I'm so lucky that my students are still little that they don't notice that I've not been myself. I've had to send a congratulations e-mail to a girlfriend (I lamented about that last week) who called to announce her pregnancy and I just can't bring myself to do it. I've also decided to tell another girlfriend about my endo, but I can't seem to type the words out.

I'm an obsessive list maker. I love to accomplish things and I'm usually so efficient. Now I feel like I'm paralyzed.

I know that I just have to take a deep breath and get things done. It just sucks that all of the things on my to-do list today involve other people's babies! I really don't want to go to B.abies Are Us to get shower gifts for my old colleagues. I know that I'll burst into tears when I walk into the store. I don't want to hang out with Mr. JB's incredibly fertile cousins and grin and bear their cute babies, but I have to make an appearance because Mr. JB asked so nicely.

Is there an infertile island that I can retreat to until my surgery? I really don't want to see anyone that doesn't understand what I'm going through. Of course, all of you would be invited.

Btw, I'd like to request some prayers. My appointment with my surgeon is on Monday and I really need my surgery to be booked after the 4th of August so I can go away for the long weekend. And also, pray for Mr. JB. In my progesterone-deprived state he's had to bear the brunt of my craziness. God help him while I'm on L.upron!!!!