10 May 2009

Double-edged Sword

This had to be one of the most painful days in our IF journey. If could've stayed asleep all day I would've, but I couldn't, although I tried my best.

I've been feeling pretty down since my L.upron injection and I've also had to deal with insanely bad fatigue -- both are known side effects. But honestly, I don't know if I would feel any different if I wasn't on the medication.

I remember the first Mother's Day after we got married. I was still hopeful, but starting to get worried. The second I was practically manic. Last year I was just fed up and angry. Now, I'm depressed.

It also doesn't help that Mother's Day is particularly painful for Mr. JB. His mother passed away when he was 19 and although he puts on a brave face, the day is filled with so much emotion for him. It seems like all of the older women in our lives, my mother, his dad's girlfriend, my aunts, his aunts, are all losing their minds. It's nothing new, it's just particularly frustrating right now.

Take this as an example: I phoned my crazy mother to ask her what she wanted to do for Mother's Day. I suggested going for dinner when she got home from work and she asked if we were going to take my dad. What???? Would we take my mother out and leave my dad at home? I get along so much better with my dad. I can have conversations with him, unlike with her. Thank God that she loves Mr. JB because without him I wouldn't have a buffer!

Now I know that I can't have the dream relationship with my mother that I've always wanted. She has so many of her own issues and she just isn't equipped to deal with mine. She hasn't asked me how I was feeling since the day after my surgery. Heck, she didn't even phone to see how I was! I'm just so tired of having to manage my relationship with her. I wish that I had someone maternal to go to for support. Instead I have to sit uncomfortably at my parents' house and pretend that all is well since my parents can't deal with any sort of stress without shutting down.

Mr. JB tried to console me by telling me that next Mother's Day I would be a mother. I wish that I could believe him. I wish that I could find the hopefulness that I had in my heart before my surgery. I wish that I could be naive and not have the pain of four years of infertility weighing down my soul.

I'm so tired. So very, very tired.

p.s. One of my students gave me a Mother's Day present on Friday. It took all of my strength to not break down and cry. It's the first time in seven years that a student has given me a present on Mother's Day. What a sweet little boy and an even sweeter mom to think of me.

7 comments:

  1. I am SO sorry to hear you're having a really sad day today. You're definitely not alone that's for sure. I am sorry to hear that your mom hasn't been very supportive. It is really hard to handle I think when your mom isn't there to support you emtionally with this cross. I know this from experience too. I don't know how you didn't cry when your student gave you a mother's day gift...I am sorry you had to endure that. God willing next year you will be celebrating Mother's Day too...I am praying for you and Mr. JB(((HUGS)))!

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  2. I'm sorry you've had a rough day. I'm right there with you.

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  3. Even if you're used to not having one, it does make things heavier, not to have a maternal shoulder to lean on. (Then again, all the IF gals who were close to their mommas seem to be more distant since the IF. What a monster it is.)

    Also, I'm sorry for throwing my lupron rant at you. It seemed apropos at the time, but in retrospect, not. Since you've already had a few days to adjust, I'm sure it will get better from here. And m-day is finally over!

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  4. I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time, but know you're not alone. Mother's Day is a cruel, cruel day for all of us infertiles. I call it the day of unnecessary torture.

    I'm so glad that your student got you a present!!

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  5. I hate the day too, as much as I try to ignore it, as much as I try to be brave, I really can't stand the damn day, and I don't think I'm going to like it more when I am a mother, it just seems so annoying to me, everyone talking like being a mother is the only thing in the world worth anything, wow sorry i was doing so well there for a while.

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  6. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your mother. But, I'm glad she is still a part of your life. It's hard...I have similar issues with my dad. but, I'm glad to have him in my life. He'll always be my dad.

    Hope today is bringing you happier thoughts. It was hard for me yesterday as well. Really, for all of us I'm sure.

    I hope the Lupron doesn't put you too much in a funk. Are you able to be somehwat physically active? That helped me a lot-just walking around every so often.

    That is SO sweet about the child in your class. It's nice to know there are such wonderful people still in this world!!!

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  7. I am sorry the day was so rough on you. I did my best to just ignore it.

    One day, you will be celebrating, I promise.

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