4 October 2011

Coming Clean, Well Mostly

After my crazy day yesterday -- which ended off quite nicely with my appointment with Dr. Nora, thank God, even the traffic wasn't too bad coming home, I came to school ready to start telling people about my surgery.

The first person I told was my planning time teacher (she comes in to teach my class English). She was super supportive.  Then I spoke to the secretary who had no idea what was going on, my principal is a vault apparently. My biggest reason for telling her was that my principal asked me to help him find someone to cover my leave, something totally against the rules, but I'm a pleaser and I tried to do as I was told.

It's pretty difficult to find someone that is French speaking to cover such a long period of time and I was told that the list of available teachers has been exhausted. I have a couple of substitute teachers that I call in to cover for me if I'm sick or if I have a meeting, and neither one of them is interested.

I wish that I wasn't so worried about who is going to be in my class while I'm gone, but honestly it is bothering me more than the actual surgery!

At lunch, my principal sat beside me and said that he had a plan in place if we couldn't find anyone. He's going to shift some teachers around and put someone on staff that speaks French in my room and then find someone to do her job. I was able to leave school with a pretty big load off of my shoulders after I heard that!

By the end of the day I told my planning time teacher, the head secretary (but the part-time one was there too, so she heard everything), the librarian (who I am pretty close with, who was the only one who connected the dots between my endo and IF, I've slipped enough hints around her!), and three of my closest friends on staff. I told them that I was having surgery for my endo, but I didn't tell them the fertility aspect. I really didn't want to get into it and I knew that if I started getting into all the IF business that I would start to cry. My teaching partner knows EVERYTHING, but we're very close and I know that she won't tell anyone.

I wish that I could've been 100% truthful, but the fact that I told them this much was a big deal for me -- being "secretly" IF has been the best way for me to cope.

And it doesn't end there, I called my mom tonight to tell her. For those of you that don't know my mom and I don't exactly have the easiest relationship and I wanted to wait until the last moment to tell her. Surprisingly she was so supportive. I stressed the fact that Dr. Hilgers is one of the best and that he has a great reputation and that the doctors here in Ontario weren't going to help me like he can. I also assured her that we had the money saved up and that we didn't have to go into any debt or that I would lose any pay while I was off (she always gets worried about money matters!). She also offered to take days off if I needed her to, even though she's retiring at Christmas. My mom is so good in a crisis and she's also a nurse, so I'm pretty fortunate. I was also surprised that she said that we just had to pray that it was going to work. She doesn't usually talk that way, she's usually pretty clinical and matter-of-fact. I almost started to cry when she said that, but thankfully she wanted to get off the phone because she was watching something with my dad. 

So such a big weight has been taken off of my shoulders. The people that matter know and if the nosy people on my staff want to know I told them to say that I was having surgery, that I was fine and that I would be back after Christmas. No one else needs to know more. Really, it's none of their business!

Yesterday on my way home from Dr. Nora's, I had yet another conversation with God. I know that regardless of what I want, ultimately it's His plan. But I do hope and pray that all of this effort, all of the tests, phone calls, e-mails, doctor's visits, invasive procedures, the list goes on and on, are going to amount to finally having a baby. I've tried to keep a brave face and tell people that it's for my health, but for Pete's sake I want a freaking baby (or two or four, any number Lord, send them, but at least one, please!).

If I don't get my happy ending at the end of all of this, I'm heading straight to a padded room.


  1. Phew! So glad the telling went so well. I'm sure you feel tons better now, right? Things keep moving forward in such a positive manner!!

  2. Stopping by to say hello...

    to say that I'm praying for you...

    to say that you are NOT alone...

    to say that it is okay to scream and kick and shout that life isn't fair at times...

    Not exactly sure how you compare with my sister's case, BUT...when she had her final surgery, and it was a big one where they had to open her abdomen to clean her endo. out, she conceived four months later and again 3 months after her first one was born. Two in twelve months!!!


  3. Your last few sentences made me chuckle and I really hope and pray that this surgery will be the answer to all of our prayers! Way to go for telling all those teachers...that is not an easy task! I'm so glad you'll have a sub in place too! Woo hoo!

  4. Good job on coming clean - next step is cleaning out the crap around your girly parts. (Was that too harsh?) Praying for you as the surgery draws near!

  5. So glad it went well! I'm praying for your surgery and GREAT results!! :)

  6. I've been praying for you! I've found lots of old churches here in France at which to offer prayers for all my infertile friends (and if you look through the book of intentions at Le Mont St. Michel, you'll see one for "all the IF girls" - that doesn't really translate into French, does it? Though the languages are so much closer than I expected!), and I offered a special prayer for you to St. Catherine d'Augustin (sp?) at the cathedral in Bayeux - I hadn't heard her story before, and I thought of you.

    Good for you tackling telling everyone like that! I may be a blabbermouth, but I know that that is rough.

  7. I'm with ya on that padded room! I'm glad your day ended up going well and all that weight is off your shoulders. I'm glad your mom is being supportive as well. My mom is always cynical, and I remember her being all negative about me going to Omaha, but in the end she came through.

    Praying for you. You'll be so relieved when all the surgery is over with. It's really the leading up to it that is hard.

  8. JB - wow, so great how everything came together and you can breathe a little now. And your mom's response... how special.

    That last line... totally relate! :)

  9. Yes, save room for me in that padded room!

    The weeks before the surgery are so tough...honestly I think tougher than the weeks after the surgery (despite the pain and fatigue).


  10. Can I join you in the padded room (that I hope none of us need!)? That is my biggest fear of my first NaPro appointment next week - that we will go through all of it, time, hope, money, all of it, and not have a baby at the end.

    I can so relate to your 'secret' IF. I like that no one at work knows (my boss does, but that's a long story); I too think I deal with it better as a 'secret' - I definitely don't feel as raw emotionally when I'm at work and I think it's because I can truly compartmentalize it (as much as it can be anyway).

    Prayers for safe travels and a successful surgery!

  11. As I read this, I just had a tremendous feeling of hope!!

  12. I'm so glad that opening up to your co-workers went well. I hope that you don't need the padded room at all. Hopefully you'll be pregnant soon. :)

  13. I would like to be invited to the blogger meet up in the padded room. I have to phone tomorrow to make my apmt with Dr. H. And for some reason I don't want anyone to know about it either. I don't want to explain and I don't want to answer any questions. I am glad your principal is being so supportive that is so great.