31 July 2010

Slacker

I know that I am a blogging slacker.

Perhaps it's a good thing that I was so mentally exhausted that I could barely even formulate the simplest of blog comments. Perhaps it was a good thing that I had to drag my sorry infertile self to the stinky city every day for three weeks rather than wallow in the fact that we had passed the five year mark of my barrenness. Perhaps the Lord knew that I needed this government job to pad my resume because my career is going to be my focus, rather than the brood of children that I wanted to have.

I'm tired friends. This infertility business has gotten old.

Really, really old.

I've been toying more and more with the idea that we are just meant to be childless. My body seems to be telling me that I've been working against nature. If I was meant to get pg then it would've already happened. Like last month, when I had two beautiful follicles just waiting, but instead I was slapped in the face by more disappointment.

But we continue to go through the motions. I take my meds. I chart. We "enjoy" (there's nothing that says romance like timed intercourse!!!) marital relations at the optimal times. I get my blood drawn. Heck, I even pretend every month that there is a chance that I may actually have beaten the odds.

We're off to my fertile best friend's cottage for a few days. Maybe after hogging her infant I will feel rejuvenated and ready to tackle infertility. Or maybe I will stuff the baby into my overnight bag and drive away like a crazy lady.

I really hope that a few days on the island will renew my spirit, or at least refill my sleep debt. At least I know that I can enjoy a glass (or ten) of wine without worrying!

19 comments:

  1. Enjoy your little getaway and love your friend's baby...I don't think she'd appreciate you snatching the infant...hahahaha....funny. Wine sounds nice too...splurge!

    I know what you mean about the IF business getting old. All to well.

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  2. I am so sorry you are down. I can't imagine the exhaustion of it all. I will keep that flame of hope burning for you, until you feel it again! I truly believe it's a matter of when, not if. It just doesn't seem like it right now, I know. :(

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  3. I hope you enjoy your getaway and it gives you some distraction. I'm so sorry that you are feeling so frustrated and down. I'm praying for you.

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  4. Drink some wine and relax. The IF stuff gets old and a nice little vacation will be a good distraction.

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  5. It's not true that if you were going to get pregnant it would have already happened! It still can (and, I truly believe, WILL)!! I know all to well how that feels though and I would have never believed anyone who told me otherwise. But that's what we're here for, to hope for you.

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  6. Wine is always a good friend. I get what you mean about the "meant to be childless" and I too wondered that at some point in my life.

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  7. I agree. It's getting old quick. I hope you have a nice getaway and can take your mind off all of this for now.

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  8. I hear ya sister!! Sorry you are feeling down. I hope you have a great trip though! The part about stuffing the baby in your bag made me laugh...last night I saw my nephews, and every time I visit them I think to myself "There are five of them. Surely I can tuck one in my purse and they won't notice."

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  9. Yes please enjoy that wine, sometimes I just have to brag about the things my childless self can do, like sleep in and drink wine and travel and enjoy a quiet house. Don't drink enough that you steal infants though, it may get you banned from cottage privileges in the future :)

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  10. I, too, understand. Only the Lord knows the plans He has for us and I just have to trust and rest in the fact that all will work out for the best according to His time and providence. It's so hard though.
    Praying for you.

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  11. Oh, cottage, island - that sounds like a lot of fun! I hope you get the rest and rejuvenation that you NEED. I am sorry the wait is weighing on you in such a heavy way. I am praying for you.

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  12. 10 glasses and I would be a lump on the floor for a good 20 hrs.

    Cannot wait for our little outing/s. We sorely need some divine intervention, as K put it!

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  13. It seems that I have been waiting so long too, but reading this tells me that you have been waiting longer. I'm sorry about your bad mood. I've been in a funk too, but it is job related.

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  14. Would you consider a TTC break for a month or two? Maybe that way you can decide if you are really ready to give up trying or if you want to keep on going. I couldn't imagine having to work at things month after month without a break.

    I hope you have a great getaway!

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  15. Enjoy that red wine as you certainly deserve it! Hopefully the cottage getaway will be relaxing and useful. I don't know but maybe do take a little break in between your treatments to help you just "live" a normal day to day life without all that med/poking.

    Frustrated thoughts do come into play as I guess it is normal..i dont' know especially when you do all that you can that month but still no good news..it is a tougher pill to swallow in my opinion. Yeah, pass me a glass or two of that red wine while you are there!

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  16. If only there were some sure - and non-miserable - way to be ushered into the "never" side of things. But it's impossible to be sure that you're there and anyway who wants to be sure of something like that...

    I don't know what to say, other than that I'm sorry, and I hope your weekend restores your peace and tenacity for the long fight. We've only got a couple of weeks until the five-year mark in these parts, and I just feel so old and so tired.

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