Making the end of 2009 more interesting....

Thanks for all of your encouragement and advice. I did see 10KL (stretchy, clear CM) once yesterday so it does seem like ovulation is delayed this cycle.

So I had something strange happen last night.

I apologize in advance if this is TMI.

So Mr. JB and I used a day of fertility (hee hee, I love it when my Creighton practitioner uses that term!) and afterwards I noticed a little bit of blood. Yesterday was CD16 and pre-surgery I did bleed when I ovulated. This morning I'm still spotting very, very lightly and I'm also seeing lots of fertile CM.

I panicked at first and the first thought that came to mind was, "Oh crap, the endo is back."

I know, I shouldn't be full of doom and gloom (although being back at my FIL's house, it's easy since it seems like anyone over 40 is all grumpy and down in the dumps!).

The spotting could just be a fluke (although I doubt it). Or perhaps I just ovulated and I spotted coincidentally when we bd'ed.

My ladyparts just love to make my life more interesting.

Advice? Opinions? Help!

Un peu de panique...

Or a little bit of panic....

I don't know if I ovulated.

Even before having all the crazy disease removed from my body I ovulated LIKE CLOCKWORK.

So this is what my chart looks like:

Dec 15 VL/B (very light, brown bleeding)
16 H (heavy flow)
17 H (heavy flow)
18 M/L (medium, light flow)
19 L (light flow)
20 VL x 3 (very light flow, 3 times)
21 VL x 1 (pink) OAD (very light, pink once, dry)
22 VL x 2 (pink) OAD (very light, pink, dry)
23 OAD 10 KL x 1 (dry all day, clear, stretchy CM, once)
24 OAD 6CL x 1 (dry, cloudy CM)
25 6 CL x 1 OAD (cloudy CM, dry)
26 6 CL x 1 OAD (cloudy CM, dry)
27 6 CL x 1 10 SL x 3 (cloudy CM, shiny with lubrication)
28 6 CL x 2 10 SL x 3 (cloudy CM, shiny with lubrication)
29 6 CL x 2 10 SL x 3 (cloudy CM, shiny with lubrication)

All the days of 6CL are freaking me out. I didn't see any 6CL last cycle and I had many more days of 10KL last cycle.

Am I freaking out for nothing? Is it too early to think that I didn't ovulate?

This Cross I Embrace, Finding Joy in Every Journey do you have any advice?

I need to stand on my head or something....

Coming Clean

Mr. JB and I are celebrating our annual do nothing day. I'm still wearing my pj's and it's almost 8pm! Woohoo!

I've been looking forward to this day since our vacation started. I know that I already started griping early on, but it really hasn't gotten any better. I've tried to put on a happy face but I just feel like I'm walking through a very sad, thick fog.

Saturday was the worst.

Christmas with my family with Mr. JB's family around was fun. My family is loud and full of life which is the total opposite of what it's like when I'm around the in-laws. I was quite apprehensive since I was afraid that my father-in-law (who was quite miserable since his cataract operation) wouldn't have any fun and also the majority of my relatives speak English very poorly. Fortunately my crazy mother and father sat with him most of the evening and he was quite happy with the evening.

And it went downhill from there.

I know from what Mr. JB has told me that my FIL has a tendency to take his stress out on the people that he cares about. His cataract surgery plus his impending cancer treatments coupled with the steady decline of his girlfriend has obviously taken it's toll on him. It seemed like everything that I did, cooked, watched on television was wrong. I cooked dinner on Christmas Eve and he proceeded to tell me that I didn't do it properly (although Mr. JB says that he didn't say it outright, but he did say, "I wouldn't do it that way.").

I also know that this particular Christmas has been really tough on me and I've been really hyper-sensitive emotionally. I was watching O.prah today and I started to tear up when this little girl was interviewing T.aylor S.wift! What is wrong with me???

I've been trying to hold it together and seem like I'm enjoying my holiday, but it is getting more and more difficult.

So as I was having lunch on Saturday I got tired of hearing my FIL complain about how bad the TV we were watching was and I said, "Well if it's so bad why don't you turn it off?"

It was the first time I have ever used an angry tone with him in the 6 1/2 years I've been with Mr. JB, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

Then my brother-in-law said, "Well just as long as you don't put on the C.BC."

And that's when I lost it.

[For those of you non-Canucks out there, the C.BC is our national public broadcaster, which I absolutely love. Mr. JB's family has this strange dislike of the network which I will never completely understand.]

I got up from the table even though I wasn't finished my lunch and I stormed down to the laundry room (I didn't really need to wash clothes, but it was the only refuge that I could find in my tiny house) while slamming every door that I could. When I stormed up the stairs to our bedroom Mr. JB came up to comfort me. I'm so glad that he stuck up for me. He reminded his family that they were in my house and that they had to be more respectful. We left for a couple of hours to go grocery shopping so I could take a breather.

I'd like to believe that my in-laws were better behaved yesterday, but I was just happy to see them leave so I could have my house back to myself.

I spent last night helping out at the annual Christmas carol celebration that my parish runs in conjunction with a few others in the neighbourhood. The event ends in our church hall and I was working in the kitchen. Although I love helping at this event that raises money for our local outreach centre/food bank I think every year that I can't wait to have a baby so I won't have to anymore. It's the fourth time I've helped out and the third time I've been barren.

My holidays have been particularly difficult because we got news that my husband's best friend's wife is expecting a girl. I've mentioned them before (their first child was born with a cleft palate a couple of years ago) and they have been having some serious marital issues. Mr. JB's friend has been having blood pressure issues due to stress and his wife doesn't seem to be helping at all. They are also having some money issues as well.

Honestly, I think that I would get pregnant instantly if Mr. JB and I started fighting and if we went into serious debt. All of this stability and marital happiness doesn't seem to equate into any fertility around here.

Mr. JB also just got off the phone with one of his friends who just had a baby. They were married THREE years after us.

I am so absolutely jealous and envious of any fertile right now. I wish that I could rise above it, but I can't. It also doesn't help that I'm at the middle of my cycle and I haven't seen any fertile CM as of yet.

I don't want to start 2010 with this horrible attitude. Then again, I can't wait to see the end of 2009. Although I may have learned the reasons behind my infertility, it hasn't made it any easier to deal with.

I need some chocolate. ASAP.

My Advent Prayer Buddy

My Advent Prayer Buddy was:

Beth of Beautiful Day

I was very excited to be paired up with Beth for a couple of reasons:
1) She has two endo babies, so it definitely gives me hope!
2) She helped me through a lot of the anxiety after my first surgery -- I don't know if I thanked you when we spoke in the spring Beth. Thanks so much Beth!!!!
3) She was also on L.upron so she understand 100% what I went through for those four crazy months!

I offered up some rosaries for Beth and her family -- I love running a rosary club at school, it makes sure that I pray in the middle of my work day! I also offered up some prayers to Pope John Paul II (I realize that he isn't a saint and that it may be liturgically incorrect, but I don't think that it would hurt!) for her beautiful family.

I also offered up some panicked and scared prayers for her when I was driving home in icy conditions on December 15th.

I'm grateful that I was paired up with Beth. Knowing what she went through before she had her two gorgeous children, gives me hope that I will be a mother one day too.

Merry Christmas Beth, Ken, Madeleine and JP! May all of God's blessings be upon all of you!

p.s. Happy Birthday + 1! Welcome to club 30!!!!

I'm a pouting JellyBelly

What is wrong with me?

I should be so happy that I'm on vacation and that it's almost 11am and I'm still in my pj's.

But I'm not.

I feel like a petulant brat right now.

And do you know what set me off?

If you scroll down my blog roll you'll see a section that's called, "Sometimes I like to forget that I'm barren." A couple of days ago the first blog's post title was, Very Happy Nine-Month News.

Of course this blogger, who is not an IF blogger, got pregnant on her honeymoon.

Argh.

Of course, like the self-flagellating infertile that I am, I read the post when I should've gotten up from the computer and had some chocolate. Or a drink.

Btw, I've had a couple glasses of wine in the past two days. I couldn't help it. I cracked. And man, it was good! Even if it was wine in a tetra pack!

I've also been particularly pouty because we've been at my father-in-law's place for a day longer than I wanted to. He had a cataract removed on Monday (with no complications) and I really wanted to be home yesterday since I had presents to wrap and baking to do. He was feeling a little nervous about his eye so he asked to stay one more night. I'm trying not to feel too stressed out about it, but I know that I have a mountain of things waiting for me.

My FIL has also been phoning his friends to tell him about the spots in his prostate. For some reason it didn't sink in that he was actually sick until now. He starts radiation on January 4th and will have about 38 treatments. We're lucky that he has a good network of people in the village that he lives in since it would be really difficult for myself or Mr. JB to take so much time off. Apparently he will be able to drive home after his treatments at the start, but he may start to feel ill three weeks into the radiation.

I'm feeling quite overwhelmed at the thought of him being sick. Although he's 73, he's hardly ever sick and is so active. When my friends meet him they're quite surprised to learn his age since he's so full of life. I know that his prognosis is good and that the doctors are very confident (also one of his closest friends had the same diagnosis a couple of years ago and is completely recovered) that he will be just fine.

His girlfriend (yes, the one that Mr. JB and I don't like) is also declining in health. She had a series of mini-strokes earlier this year and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I cannot believe how rapidly her condition is deterioriating. She phoned this morning and was all confused because she couldn't find my FIL's phone number.

I feel especially bad since I don't really like my FIL's girlfriend. She has given me a hard time since we got engaged and I have no idea why. Mr. JB has had a rocky relationship with her as well, but he has loads more patience than I do.

And to top it off I'm also feeling strange pain in my pelvis. I have no idea what is going on down there. I'm on CD 8 and I don't think that it's cramps since I hardly had any this time around. I'm petrified that the abscess or the endo is growing back.

What it boils down to is that I'm scared. And I'm also tired.

I feel resentful that instead of feeling all happy, jolly and Christmassy I'm feeling like a sad, infertile baby.

Okay, I have to surrender the computer to my newly-F.acebook addicted husband. Hopefully getting his off of my chest will make me feel better.

p.s. I'll post about my prayer buddy later!

Elizabeth

I remember when we were engaged and we would talk about what we would name our kids.

Elizabeth was my number one choice.

It seems like my choice was foreshadowing things to come.

This morning's homily was all about pregnancy and waiting. Our pastor spoke of the beauty of a pregnant woman and how the anticipation of birth is such a great metaphor for Advent. He also spoke of the differences in age between Elizabeth and Mary. He figured that Elizabeth was almost 50 while Mary was barely 16.

Like so many of us, I thought that I would be a mother in my early 30's. I knew that I wouldn't be a young mother since I didn't get married until I was 30, but I figured that we would have a couple of kids in quick succession. It wasn't a question, or so I thought back then. Now here I am, almost 35 and I'm still childless.

Our pastor mentioned that his mother had him when she was 45. He also mentioned that his mother was quite embarrassed since all of the other mothers were in their 20's.

I realize that the stigma of being an older mother isn't what it was years ago. My fertile best friend talks about how young she is in comparison to the other mother's in her daughter's class. The majority are in their 40's and some have fathers well into their 50's. I know that I'm quite a way from being a 50 year old mom, but I'm so scared that I'm going to spend the next 5 years being barren.

But in the end Elizabeth did get her baby.

I don't think that our pastor meant for the infertile in me to feel all sad and despondent. I think that I wanted me to find hope in the fact that after all of her years petitioning and praying that she did get what her heart desired.

I need to be patient, so much more patient than I have been.

St. Elizabeth please help me to follow your example, I really need your help right now.

I have a theory...

I'm feeling pretty down right now, but I think it's because I am absolutely exhausted.

The cramps haven't been bad at all, although I've taken some A.dvil today, but not every four hours like I used to!

Our Christmas concert went really well. The parents were so happy and I teared up while my class was singing.

One more sleep until vacation.

Thank God.

CD2

The second day of my second period with my newly disease-free ladyparts.

I do have to say that any twinge that I feel makes me worry that the endo is growing back. Any minor cramp (and trust me, they have been QUITE minor in comparison to what I had to endure pre-surgery) makes me stop and think, "Now, was that really bad or am I just overreacting?"

I overreact, every time.

I wish that I could trust my body again.

Before my period started yesterday I kept on repeating, "It's okay if you get your period, it really is."

Even though it wasn't.

I'm tired of looking at every one's cute kids on their Christmas cards. I wouldn't send my friends pictures of my empty uterus! I know that they aren't flaunting their fertility. Heck, if I had kids now their cute faces would be plastered everywhere.

If I had kids I wouldn't be blogging right now, but that is besides the point.

We had our Christmas concert dress rehearsal this morning. I almost cried when the little kindergarten kids did their version of "Away in a Manger." I even commented to the librarian that I wanted to put one of them in my purse.

An infertile woman surrounded by little children all day long is sometimes not healthy.

To top it off I sat beside the VERY pregnant grade two teacher. She was telling me all about how she loves to watch her belly at night.

Have I mentioned that she got pregnant by accident????

Only two sleeps until Christmas vacation.

There's hope, right?

CD1

I was hoping.

I know that I said that I was okay with having low progesterone levels.

I may have fibbed just a little bit.

I didn't feel like crying when I saw the tinge of pink on the toilet paper, but I didn't feel like dancing either.

I think that it may be time to investigate adoption.

Really. I think that I'm finally ready.

It's not about being pregnant, it's about being a mother.

I also don't think that putting Ralph in my purse and smuggling him home for the Christmas holidays is an option. It would definitely make his mama sad if I did that!

It's okay that my period started today. I was still on antibiotics around ovulation AND it was my first cycle off of L.upron.

I also made it to Peak +14 (14 days past ovulation, although according to the ultrasound that I had on November 26th I ovulated then, I've had a LONG luteal phase!).

Bring on the HCG!

I can't wait to feel normal again!

p.s. I must've had a team of guardian angels on my way home tonight. I went to C.ostco after yoga to get some last minute gifts and when I left the store the roads were like a sheet of ice! It took me an hour to get home when it usually takes 15 minutes! When I was almost home I skidded and crashed into a curb. I got out to check out the damage and there was nothing. Mr. JB took a look when I got home and the rim of my tire is bent a tiny bit, but everything seems okay. I was still shaking until about 15 minutes ago. Thank God I have good tires!

Decking halls

So Mr. JB and I finally have our little house decorated. We got our tree (a Fraser Fir which I thought was from Ontario, but is really from North Carolina!) on Friday which was the coldest day of the year, thus far. It was -20C with the windchill and the tree felt cold until well into yesterday!

We went Christmas shopping with my crazy mother yesterday which in theory was a good idea, but in practice a very, very bad one. Mr. JB told me that she started complaining very early on in our trip that I was going into every store. Um, I don't know how else to shop for Christmas presents. I thought that was what people did! I am certain that I earned some indulgences in heaven after spending that much time with her while enduring crowds of crazed shoppers.

I'm still feeling the progesterone-induced fog, or is it lack of progesterone? I'm absolutely exhausted and I could barely drag myself out of bed yesterday despite having slept in to past 9pm! I took a nap before heading out to yoga this afternoon and it was painful to get out of bed! This next week is going to be pretty difficult since I'm running so low on energy and patience!

Tonight marks the last night of the progesterone! I can't wait until I'm back on HCG. It is the drug of choice it seems amongst us infertiles, eh? Regardless, I want my hormones back to normal, now!!!

----------------------------------------------------------

My father-in-law is feeling very positive about his treatment. He went to see his specialist last week and they put gold on the spots in his prostate (at least that's what I recall Mr. JB telling me). Apparently the gold helps radiation target the disease. He also has to have a cataract removed on the 21st which happens to be his 40th wedding anniversary. Quite the milestone, it just makes me so sad that Mr. JB's mom passed such a long time ago.

Thank you for all of your prayers. I'm trying to think positively, but Mr. JB had a little breakdown today, which is totally out of character. I'm usually the one that cries around here!

p.s. Please pray for my teaching partner's grandmother. She passed away earlier today and she is absolutely devastated. Although I never met Nonna Theresa, I'm sure that she was a wonderful lady.

Ask and you shall receive....

I just got off of the phone with my fantastic Napro doctor.

My progesterone is still quite low so it is back on the HCG for me.

I know that I have complained many, many times about my fear of needles, but I have been feeling so horrible on the vaginal progesterone I knew that my hormones were just off.

So I guess that our first cycle post-L.upron is not going to be a successful one.

And I'm okay with that.

Really.

Mr. JB and I are off to get our Christmas tree. FINALLY!!!!

p.s. FJIEJ pointed out that Lollipop Goldstein mentioned me on her Friday blog round-up. I'm blushing just a little bit over here.

Fog

It is absolutely the wrong time to be in a progesterone-induced fog. 

I'm tired. My boobs are achy. And I am the grumpiest woman in Canada.

I'm sure of it.

It also doesn't help that I just got off the phone with a clueless mother who told me that her child said that I didn't allow snowpants! 

AND SHE BELIEVED HER!!!!

What self-respecting, winter-appreciating teacher would say that her student couldn't wear snowpants?!??!

Honest to Pete, I'm about to kick someone.

I need a vacation. Or at least off of this progesterone.

I miss HCG. I never thought that I would miss the needles, but I do. 

Impatiently Waiting

One would think that after over four years of waiting that I would be good at it.

Perhaps it has to do with being an only child. Instant gratification was something that I was used to as a kid. I had the undivided attention of both of my parents! I also had the extra benefit of being the first female grandchild on my mother's side and the first Canadian born on my father's.

Although it was a relief to be on my L.upron-enforced TTC break in many respects, I'm starting to feel quite anxious now that I'm in the post-peak phase of my cycle. I'm also being constantly reminded of my infertility.

On Saturday we attended the first Christmas party of the season. We were the only married couple that was childless. Thankfully there was only one pg woman there and no little babies.

Little babies are always the worst.

I also had a new haircut and an apparent weight-loss that all of Mr. JB's relatives commented on (I missed last year's party because I was horribly sick). So many of Mr. JB's aunts said how great I looked and refrained from making comments about how having disease cut out of one's body is a great way to lose weight!

For the first time I didn't get down on the ground to play with the little kids. I just couldn't handle being the fun barren auntie. It also didn't help that Mr. JB's cousin's wife is the one that doesn't like me (she's the one that fed me burnt hot dogs at her son's baptism and had the audacity to make Mr. JB apologize for her mistake). At one point in the evening my rice crackers went missing and I almost lost it!

So today we took the day off to go to a couple of doctor's appointments. We visited the infectious disease doctor first. He got the official report from the ultrasound place in the city and I was discharged from his care. It was great to hear from a second person that the abscess is gone! He also said that he can't imagine the abscess coming back and that he expects me to be in fine health now that everything has resolved.

I actually danced in the hallway as we left. It's safe to say that I have never danced while leaving a doctor's office!

Our second appointment of the day was at our Napro doctor's office. Although she's a wonderful doctor we always have to wait a long time to see her. She has walk-in hours in the morning and then she has appointments in the afternoon. Although our appointment time was at 12:30pm we didn't see her until 1:30! I was disappointed because we wanted to check out a really good outlet mall in that part of the city and we couldn't because I had to get back for a meeting at 4pm.

Dr. T only had good things to tell us. The only worrisome piece of news was that my FSH level was a little on the high side. My theory was that it was a 10 because my ovaries weren't responding as well since I was on L.upron for almost six months. I was also pretty stressed out about my period coming! The last time my FSH tested high was when I was battling with an annoying parent (which I totally forgot until Mr. JB reminded me).

Dr. T also told us that I don't have to use the mucus enhancers since my CM was so good so far! I'm so glad that I have one less medication that I have to take!

So this is the game plan:

- continue with the vaginal progesterone (which is making me SOOO tired!) until Peak +12
- get my Peak +7 blood drawn tomorrow
- call Dr. T's office on Thursday to see if I should start F.emara for my next cycle based on my Peak +7 bloodwork
- continue with the L.ow D.ose N.altrexone
- and as Dr. I said, "Try really hard."

I wish that I felt more hopeful. Right now my boobs hurt, I'm exhausted and I'm grumpy. Could be PMS or not. I know that I'm only Peak +6 today so I can't predict anything.

One last thing: I attended a T.wilight Re.treat for my family of schools. At one point in the evening we went outside and some reflections were read and ALL of them dealt with infertility! Hanna, Elizabeth and Sarah were all mentioned! I know that there are no coincidences. I'm convinced that someone was trying to get through to me!!

p.s. Could you please pray for my father-in-law? His doctor has found some spots on his prostate and he has to have radiation. He's so calm about it, but I don't know if it's an act or if he's genuinely not worried. I'm trying not to freak out, but it's tough. He's a wonderful man and has raised two equally wonderful men.

Dear Fertile Friend...

Dear Fertile Friend,

First off, I'd like to wish you a very happy birthday! I hope that your hubby and daughter are doing something really fun!

I know that we've been out of touch in the past little while. Life has been so busy for the both of us, I'm sure. I can't believe that M is already is senior kindergarten! Where did time go? 

So my mom told me the great news! How exciting that you're pregnant again! I was even more surprised because the last time we spoke you were already pregnant. Can I ask why you didn't mention it to me? Just because I've been trying to start my family for the past four and a half years doesn't mean that I can't be happy for you. Now that I've had all of the endometriosis removed we're actually quite hopeful of our chances. 

I hope that this message finds you well.

Happy birthday again!

Love, 

JellyBelly

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Don't worry, I'm not sending this message. I would like to, but I won't.  It would totally go against my thinking positively experiment, right?

I will send an e-mail. Sometime today. 

The question is, how will she respond? 

Why do fertile friends do this? 

TMI!!!

I apologize in advance for this post, but then again I think that the IF blogging community can forgive me.

I'm still rejoicing in the fact that I'm abscess free and that the ultrasound tech gave me proof of ovulation (without ovulation-inducing drugs, then again ovulation hasn't been a problem, it was my messed up anatomy that was the issue!). So ever since this past Saturday I've had an excess of CM. 

More than I've ever seen before.

And no, I'm not on any mucus enhancers (although I have some in the cupboard waiting for next month). 

So this is my question (FJIEF & TCIE as practitioners I'm sure you can help!): If I ovulated on day 14 (which was last Thursday) why am I still getting peak-type mucus? We did use CD1 and CD17 and I'm assuming that today is Peak +1 since all I've had since I got up was 10SL. 

Pre-surgery I NEVER had this much fertile CM! I did have lots of 10SL (slippery, shiny) days. I also finally got to use some green stickers! 

Help? Advice? Assvice? 

What is going on with my body????