Fix me

So we're off to see C.oldplay tonight. I am SOOO excited! It seems like the universe has aligned itself so I can have as much fun as possible before the 4th. I'm also off down south to meet up with some blog friends in real life! It's my first trip without Mr. JB and although I'm a little nervous about being away from home, I really need this trip.

Although I'll have my computer with me, I don't know how much internet time I'll have while I'm away. I can't wait to be around women that know EXACTLY what I'm going through.

I have no idea how to imbed videos here, so if you want a snippet of what we'll be enjoying you can go here.

A strange question

My surgery is a week from today and I'm surprisingly feeling zen about it. Perhaps it's because I've started the massive job of cleaning out my room of shame. I've talked about my room of shame before (see this post, if you're interested).

The very first time we visited our house I thought that this room would be our nursery. When I first moved into our home (I lived alone in our house for three months until we got married), the office (a.k.a. room of shame) was nicely organized and I was actually able to work in there. As our journey in the world of infertility continued, the room started to become more and more of a wreck. We started dumping stuff in the office whenever we had guests come over. I would put stuff that I just didn't feel like dealing with in the room. And in preparation for the basement reno, Mr. JB jammed as much stuff as he could in there.

So now, I've decided that since the rest of my house is looking pretty darn good (with the exception of my scary linen closet, I have to save that job for when I'm feeling well enough after my surgery), I knew that I couldn't put it off any longer.

I have found some really old paperwork that should've been shredded a LONG time ago. Honestly, did I really need to save electrical bills from 2004? Or pay stubs from my first year of teaching?

I still have hours of work left to do, but I had a strange question for all of you.

I think that I'm pretty prepared for my surgery. I've done my research. I've asked my questions. I even bought cute pyjamas for the hospital. I even booked my cleaning lady to make sure that my house is sparkling clean for when I get home.

So my dear friends, I would like to know do you have any inspirational songs that you can suggest for me? I figure that I will have a lot of time to listen to my i.Pod while in the hospital. I don't know if I'll have the energy to read and there's only so much television that I can watch! Also, do any of you have recommendations of audio books? I've never listened to one before, but I think that I should have some entertainment options.

I'm a high energy person, so I think that my recovery will be difficult for me. I've already suspended my yoga membership for the month of August since I know that I won't be able to do classes until school starts.

I realize that I probably will be too uncomfortable to want to do much, but I'm a type A planner. I want to have as many contingency plans possible!

Thanks in advance!

Rainbows

I absolutely love Sundays. Even Sundays where Mr. JB and I have to usher at church -- it's the one job that we've volunteered that I really don't like. The back of the church is way too loud and I always feel a bit strange when I have to take the collection.

But I digress.

I used to take a very difficult yoga class on Sunday afternoons, but I had to stop earlier this year because of a persistent injury I have in my left leg. I didn't feel too badly though because my favourite teacher started teaching a class on Monday nights that was still challenging, but not injury-inducing.

The past couple of weeks I haven't been feeling 100% so I decided to take the meditation class that my studio offers. I used to be the worst meditator in the world! I couldn't quiet my mind enough to relax, but finally after 10 years of practicing yoga, I can finally sit for half an hour in peace.

So during class today I decided that it was a good time to have a chat with God. I try really hard to have a clear head while meditating, but I was having a hard time shutting down this afternoon. I was telling Him that I was tired, so very tired, of all of this IF business. In between my silent rant I interspersed some "Hail Marys" to help me refocus and just before the half hour of silent meditation was over a very loud clap of thunder erupted over the yoga studio.

I didn't really think much of it. We had a very rainy day (among many, many rainy days in the past month) and at mass this morning a very loud crash of thunder happened right after the final blessing. It was perfectly timed for when the congregation says, "Thanks be to God." Our parish priest had a good laugh about it in the vestibule afterwards. It was like God was punctuating the mass with a very loud period!

So this evening on my way home after class I looked up at the sky to see a beautiful rainbow. When I was having my talk to God I asked him for a sign, for anything, to show me if things are going to be okay. I don't usually bargain with God that way, but as I told Him this afternoon, I'm at the end of my wits. I know that my mental state has been effected by the L.upron, but come on folks, it's been FOUR years.

Four long, long years.

I've decided that the rainbow is a sign. I have to be hopeful that my surgery will be successful. I have to continue praying that we will be parents. I have to be positive.

Perhaps something good has come of all this crazy rain that we've been having. What do you think?

Confessions

So I know that I've been a negligent blogger. I really don't have too much of an excuse since I am a teacher on summer vacation, married to a teacher who is also on vacation.

But I do have one, and I think that it's pretty good.

So friends, I've been really stressed out. Not for my upcoming surgery (more about that later), but for my summer. I've been trying to cram as much fun and relaxing and work into July that I can. I spent the first two weeks of July in just a crazy state (I was having heart palpitations!) over how little time I had before August 4th.

It's only July 24th and we've done quite a bit. We went to my fertile best friend's cottage, we hung out with Mr. JB's family and we went up north for our anniversary (and bought a time share -- a deal that we just couldn't pass up -- I'm sure that I'll have plenty to blog about that in the future!). We've spent the past week dealing with my bad stomach and finally getting the basement organized, and I feel pretty good about the progress that we've made.

I spent almost all of yesterday putting together my new office furniture in the basement. Mr. JB isn't the most handy guy and I.kea furniture just drives him around the bend! He was pretty helpful tightening stuff as I figured out the instructions, but his back has been bothering him so he had to take a lot of breaks. I'm heading back to my favourite furniture store today to get some more shelving and to figure out some more storage solutions that won't cost too much money. I'm looking forward to doing the trip solo since Mr. JB has plans this afternoon so I can take my time.

I had my pre-op/pre-admission appointment on Wednesday. I was afraid that I wasn't going to make it because my stomach was just horrible. We celebrated Mr. JB's mother 65th birthday by eating sloppy joes Tuesday night. His mom passed away in 1990 and every year since we've been married we've commemorated her birthday with the first meal that Mr. JB ever made. When he was 8 he complained that he didn't like what she made for dinner so she told him that he could make dinner the next night and he chose to make sloppy joes! It makes me so sad to see how much Mr. JB and his brother miss their mom. She was quite the remarkable woman, from what everyone tells me. She also raised two wonderful boys that talk about her almost daily. It also breaks my heart that my father-in-law, although he's been in a relationship for 14 years, still talks about her like she's in the other room, not passed away for almost 20 years.

Mr. JB tells me that he talks to his mom about helping God send us a baby. I do have to admit that I've talked to her to. She had endo as well (as I've mentioned before) and she went on to have three pregnancies, although one of them was an ectopic. I really wish that as I go through this experience that she was around so I could ask her questions since my mother isn't exactly forthcoming.

Anyhow, I had my pre-op appointment and everything went well with the exception of the technician that took my blood. I am afraid of needles. I know that I had to get over it when I had to give myself HCG injections, but when it comes to getting my blood taken it makes me feel sick. Nauseated even. So I calmly explained to the woman about my fear and I asked her if she could use a butterfly needle and she basically ignored me. So I knew that I had to just turn my head and grit my teeth. She kept on telling me to relax, but when she poked me it was painful. When she asked me if it hurt I told her yes. I wasn't going to lie! When she left the room I burst into tears and now I have an ugly bruise on my arm.

Argh.

I have good veins and I know this from getting my blood taken on numerous occasions. If she was a nice technician that wasn't a butcher I wouldn't have a bruise. I do admit to calling her a few choice names in my head. She deserved it.

It looks like I will be in the hospital for three days. Our insurance covers us for semi-private rooms, but I chose to spend the extra $75 a day on a private room. The last time that I was admitted I was in a room with three other people and it sucked! I really hope that I'm not in the maternity ward, but I was too scared to ask where I would be.

I'm scared. There's no way around it. Before my last surgery I was excited. I wanted a diagnosis and I thought that I would have some of the endo removed. Now that I've had three months to think about it, I've had the worst case scenarios running around my head. What if the doctor can't fix everything and he has to take out my uterus? What if it's so bad in there that even after the surgery we can't conceive? What if I have a reaction to the anaesthesia and die?

Don't worry, I've only worried about the last one a couple of times.

So that's where my head has been. Maybe being sick has been a way that my body is coping with all of the worry, or not coping. My bad stomach is always made worse by worry.

I'm off to lunch with a girlfriend that has no idea about our IF. I look forward to being able to talk to someone that will get my mind off of all of this craziness.

And crazy is exactly how I feel.

p.s. I'm going to have a pain med pump after my surgery. Is it sick that I'm excited about that??

Pause

Thank you all for your prayers. I spent most of the weekend resting and eating bland food so my belly is feeling better, although not 100%. I went to my GP yesterday and she thinks that it's just a virus. She explained to me that since I have ulcerative colitis that any little imbalance (like a cold, which a I had last week) can cause my sensitive bowels to act up.

I did go to a restorative yoga and meditation class on Sunday which helped me relax. For those of you that don't know, colitis can be aggravated by stress and lack of sleep. I've been pretty stressed out lately since our house is still a mess (although we're chipping away at the chaos) from the renovations and I haven't been sleeping well (I blame it on the L.upron). I also went to a level one yoga class yesterday and I felt great afterward.

I slept in until 9:30 this morning which is almost unheard of! The noise of the garbage and recycling trucks didn't even bother me.

I cannot believe how much stuff we're getting rid of. Mr. JB packed most of the stuff away pre-renovations since I was still recovering from my lap. Although he tried his best, I'm still baffled at some of the stuff he put in boxes! I found a whole bunch of stuff that could've been recycled or thrown away. Then again I shouldn't be surprised since when he moved in I found unopened mail and garbage in some of his boxes!

I promise a more detailed post later. I have to get back to the crazy basement!

Btw, does anyone want some fancy crystal bowls? I've found so many wedding presents that I forgot were given to me. How many fancy vases does a girl need?

Thank God for Freecycle!

Prayers please

All of this infertility and endometriosis stuff has distracted me from my other health issues. Although, I could just be overreacting (somehow I doubt it), I think that my ulcerative colitis may be flaring up.

I haven't been feeling 100% for the past week. It started with a little summer cold that went away in a couple of days and then my stomach started to bother me. At first I thought that it was some "off" Chinese food that we both ate for lunch. Mr. JB's iron lined belly was even upset, so I actually felt oddly comforted that it would pass.

Alas, it's been three days and it hasn't.

For those of you that don't know the gory symptoms of UC, it involves a lot of bathroom going. Number two more than anything. And it's the urgency that is the most frightening.

I've spent the past 12 hours very close to my bathroom. Thank God that I had a good book!

My biggest worry at this point is that if I am having a UC flare that it's going to affect my surgery on the 4th. I know that it's still a couple of weeks away, but I have been hospitalized in the past and it took a long time to recover.

I've been saying my Hail Mary's to calm myself down, but at this point I'm feeling so stressed out which doesn't help my angry bowels.

Please God, I want the drama with my body to stop!

Four

1. Where/how did you meet: We attended a workshop together on September 24, 2002, but I don't remember him, however, he remembered me!

2. How long have you known each other: He called me on October 23, 2002 and we went on our first date on October 26th. So officially since October 23, 2002.

3. How long after you met did you start dating: We basically haven't been apart since our first date. I knew that we would get married by our second date on October 27th.

4. How long did you date before you were engaged: 10 months, he proposed on August 10, 2003.

5. How long was your engagement: 11 months

6. How long have you been married: 4 years

7. What is your anniversary: July 16

8. How many people came to your wedding reception: 230

9. What kind of cake did you serve: I had a chocolate vegan wedding cake, he had a groom's cake (that I didn't see, but there are pictures of it). Our photos were taken with my cake.

10. Where was your wedding: marriage ceremony was at St. Christopher Parish in M.ississauga, O.ntario, the reception was in G.rimsby, Ontario (the venue is now closed)

11. What did you serve for your meal: we had a Polish and Filipino caterer, we had everything from perogies to Filipino roasted pig (lechon) to pasta to salad, our wedding buffet seems to be the stuff of legends

12. How many people were there in your bridal party: 4 bridesmaids, 4 groomsmen, 4 flower girls, and two ring bearers (but only one made it down the aisle)

13. Are you still friends with them all: yes, although one bridesmaid lives in the US and one groomsmen lives in Alberta

14. Did you or your spouse cry during the ceremony: I teared up at the top of the aisle, but I shook the tears off. I didn't want to be all teary in my photos.

15. Most special moment of your wedding day: My mom's cousin drove up with his family just for the ceremony but then left right after because they were going to Disneyland. I was pretty touched that they drove almost 20 hours just to go to the church.

16. Any funny moments: My grandmother was talking to my cousin who was supposed to be reading the "Prayers of the Faithful" and he forgot to go up, Mr. JB's cousin had to do all of the prayers alone! My cousin's daughter, one of the flower girls, walked in front of us while we were kneeling because she wanted to join her parents who were the musicians!

17. Any big disasters: It was 37C plus humidity. It also rained on and off throughout the day. We had raindrops in our big group wedding party photos.

18. Where did you go on your honeymoon: Rome and Greece (Mykonos was our favourite island)

19. How long where you gone: 14 days

20. If you were to do your wedding over, what would you change: I would've had the photographer stay for our first dance.

21. What side of the bed do you sleep on: the left

22. What size is your bed: Queen

23. Greatest strength as a couple: We talk about everything, full disclosure at all times.

24. Greatest challenge as a couple: our infertility, although it has made us a stronger couple.

25. Who literally pays the bills: me

26. What is your song: I'd like it to be "I.ce C.ream" by Sarah McLachlan, but we don't really have one that we can agree on

27. What did you dance your first dance to: "A Kiss at the End of the Rainbow", a song from M.ighty W.ind that Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara sing together, it was the first movie that we watched together

28. Describe your wedding dress: v-necked, no sleeves, with rusching (sp?) on one side and beautiful embroidery on the other, covered buttons down the back, made of chiffon, the third dress that I tried on

29. What kind of flowers did you have at your wedding: the girls carried bouquets of white gerbera daisies, I had a bouquet of gerberas, roses, hydrangeas and lilies

30. Are your wedding bands engraved? No

I'm a lucky lady to have such a wonderful, patient husband. I wouldn't trade him for anything!

p.s. I have no idea why the last couple of lines are so big! I've tried everything to make them the same size as the rest of the post. Argh!

Signs

I've been a bad blogger. I've also been a bad blog commenter.

But I have an explanation, so bear with me.

So our time at the cottage was great. Although they did have satellite internet on the island, I abstained until the day we left. It was great to be unplugged for a few days.

Unfortunately (and I warn all of you that I am about to sound incredibly selfish and self-centered), my best friend told me that she's pregnant. With her third.

Don't worry I was expecting the announcement sooner rather than later. I've known since before she was married that she wanted to have three kids (well actually four, but her husband doesn't know about the fourth Christmas stocking that she bought when she pregnant with her first child). I knew that she was cleaning out their fourth bedroom and I knew that she wanted her kids to be evenly spaced out (her daughter will be 6 in November and her son turned 3 in May). So when Mr. JB offered her a beer on our second day on the island and she refused, I knew that she was going to break me the news.

She cried. So did I. And she apologized which made me feel worse. I don't want to be pitied because of my infertility. I also don't want my best friend to feel guilty for being so damn fertile. But I also felt so angry that it comes so easy for her.

So instead of swimming across to shore with my car keys I shook off the tears and made myself enjoy the rest of our stay. The news of the baby was still at the back of my mind, but I went into robot infertile mode and did all of the required cottage-y activities. There was board game playing, kayaking, lounging and eating.

And I haven't felt so damn barren in my life.

I was relieved to get back to our house for many reasons -- I hate outhouses and I hate bugs even more.

We have been doing a lot of socializing with fertiles lately. We went to a barbecue at a high school friend of Mr. JB's and EVERYONE had kids. Even the one infertile that was at the party had a baby! Then Monday night we went to a barbecue and there were a lot of kids in attendance. We figure that one of the other couples is struggling with IF since they've been married for 6 years and she's made a comment about it to Mr. JB in the past.

I am so sick of hanging out with other people's children.

So today I had to see my surgeon and fill in some paperwork for my surgery. I asked Dr. I about my recovery and chances of conceiving post-surgery but he didn't want to say anything until afterwards. I know I wanted him to say, "Of course you'll be able to have children JellyBelly! How silly to even worry!" But life doesn't work that way.

I did ask him about what kind of stage IV endo I had and he did say that it was, "Stage IV IV" but he had seen worse. He also said that he has booked my surgery time for up to three hours but he won't know how long it will take until he sees how much the L.upron has done for the inflammation. I really hope that my theory of my increasing hot flashes correlating to the amount that the endo is calming down works!

After our doctor's appointment Mr. JB and I went to I.kea to get stuff for the new basement. It seems like I punctuate any sort of scary diagnoses and doctor's visits with visits to I.kea. After I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis I went to I.kea. My first big outing after my first ovarian cyst ruptured was to I.kea. There's something about the store that makes me happy, I don't know what it is, but it just does. It was also great that Mr. JB didn't complain one bit during our trip. I guess the promise of hot dogs after checking out was enough!

On our way home I broke down. There were so many pregnant women at I.kea and I was just so tired and hungry. I started to cry in the car and Mr. JB tried to console me the best that he could. His unwavering faith that we will have a biological child just amazes me. I don't trust my body at all, but he tells me every day that we will be parents. I wish I could believe him with my whole heart.

We stopped at the library on our way home -- have I mentioned how much I love the library? We've gone at least twice a week since our vacation has started. Forget about the big box book stores! Our library rocks! -- and I checked Sew's blog to get the wonderful news. I do have to admit that I was jealous for about 20 seconds. Then I gave my head a shake and I decided that I'm going to take it as a sign. I rejoice when a fellow infertile blogger gets her BFP! I prayed as we left the doctor's office that God would give us a sign that this surgery is something that will work, and here it is. So instead of the horrible feeling of dread that I felt when I got my bf's news, my heart is full of joy at the miracle that is growing inside of our dear Sew.

So no more avoiding the internet. And I promise that I will catch up on the blog commenting. I have to work through these feelings because I don't want to be weighed down during my surgery.

Btw, I found the cutest red rubber gloves at I.kea today. Have I mentioned that my favourite colour is red? Do I count that as a sign to?

You be the judge! ;)

Taking off

So Mr. JB and I are taking off for a few days. Our basement is officially finished. We wrote them a cheque and said our goodbyes and we're cleared to start putting stuff back in. And although it stresses me out to leave my house an unorganized mess, we need to get away.

My best friend is on holiday at her parents' cottage and we're taking her up on her offer to join her. The cottage is on an island and it's a great place to stay. There's no cable, no neighbours and most of all the company is great. I haven't fully de-toxed from school mode and we need a break from our house. Mr. JB's theory is that we'll recharge and then we'll be completely ready to complete the move into the new basement as well as the re-organization of our house.

My head has been really jumbled since school finished. I have so much more time to think now that I don't have 20 6 year olds in my face. I definitely think that I'm depressed and I have the L.upron to blame. Since I went through clinical depression while I was in university the feelings are very familiar. I can't wait until my surgery and I can't wait to get this drug out of my system. I'm certain that it is helping the endo shrink, but the other effects on my psyche are very worrisome.

I try to remind myself that it's the drug and that it's temporary. I hate feeling down and I'm trying my best to keep my head above water, but it's hard.

I miss feeling like myself. I miss feeling light.

But I definitely don't miss the incredible pain that my periods brought.

I don't know if the island has internet (it did last summer, but I don't know if they got rid of it). I'm bringing our laptop just in case.

I really hope that the clean northern Ontario air will help clear out the cobwebs in my brain.

Hmmm....

Aquarius: Jupiter has absolutely no intention of letting you miss out on a big chance. One way or another, you are about to be seduced into finding out what's feasible now.

I don't know what my "big chance" is, but I hope that it has to do with a trip that I've been planning for the past couple of months. I booked my tickets this morning, after much agonizing and procrastinating. I've never been away from Mr. JB since we got married, although he has gone away with the guys more than once. I'm excited and nervous at the same time.

I used to be the big world traveler, independently and autonomously visiting various European countries. Now, after four years of marriage, I've become a little dependent on my hubs.

After four years of having my self-confidence and self-worth ravaged by the big IF, I need this vacation for me.

So much of myself has been lost in all of the negative pregnancy tests. So much of my confidence and independence has been washed away by all of the poking and prodding by doctors.

I'm taking this trip to remind myself that I am not my infertility.

Now I have to work on believing this.

As the L.upron wages a war on my mental state I have to remind myself that deep down below the estrogen-depleting effects of this crazy drug, I am in here somewhere.

Right?

Slow start

So once again folks I am inspired by my horoscope. I've been feeling so conflicted since my vacation started (or is it since the L.upron kicked in?) and I've been oscillating between spurts of extreme productiveness and paralysis. I've been reacting way too hard to the universe as of late -- something that I've seen reflected in my yoga practice.

For the first time since my surgery in April I did a level 2 class on Monday and Tuesday. My body was not happy at all. Not only was I overly tired (even after a good night's sleep), but I just felt wrong. None of my poses were right. I kept on falling out of poses. And instead of taking a step back and looking on what I could do, I just got more and more frustrated.

Hmmm, I think I've been feeling the same thing about my baby-making abilities.

I've been reacting to my hot flashes. I've been reacting to my feelings of confusion. I've been reacting to my crazy mood swings. I've been wallowing in feel-me-sorries.

So, I'm going to try to take it easy today, although I am going to start tidying up my house. The chaos will be ordered eventually, right?

Aquarius: You have a desire to control and hasten something that's better left to unfold at a natural pace. Let today's favourable and invigorating alignments help you achieve the most wonderful things with less effort.

Pretty good advice, eh?

Happy Birthday Canada

I would consider myself a pretty patriotic person. I would also say that my husband is as well -- I try not to get too annoyed at his maple leaf tattoo on his back since he got it WAY before he met me. I really can't fault the guy too much since his little brother, the Jesuit, has a matching one on his foot!

We did check out the local festivities this afternoon in an attempt to escape the noxious fumes from Mr. JB's furniture staining project in our garage. We got some yummy kettle corn and walked around. I tried not to notice all of the pregnant women and babies, but it seemed like reminders of my barrenness were EVERYWHERE! I really can't think of anything cuter than a little kid in red and white waving a Canadian flag.

Argh.

So our basement is 95% done. The carpet was installed on Monday, although three and a half hours late. I know that I shouldn't be too upset since we're already three weeks behind schedule, but I'm so incredibly impatient! The carpet installer forgot the metal thingers for the doorways so he has to return on Saturday. It looks amazing, but the new carpet smell is driving me bonkers!

Before L.upron I had a sensitive sense of smell, but now I feel like a bloodhound! I could smell things a mile away! It doesn't help in the headache department since strong smells can be a migraine trigger for me. I think that when I vacuum tomorrow that I'm going to fashion some sort of mask for myself so I don't have to smell the chemical funkiness of my basement.

So in honour of my beloved Canada I took a well-deserved break. I didn't do much today and my house remains a disaster area. And at this point I really don't care. Mr. JB's car has been overheating (Why does it seem like when we have no money that things keep breaking down????) so I'll be stuck at home tomorrow waiting for the thermostat guy while he takes my car to his school. I really hope that we don't have to replace our air conditioning! Not only are my thoughts all jumbled, but my body is just exhausted.

I usually spend the first couple of weeks of my summer vacation trying to de-tox from being so crazy busy during the school year. I have the added pressure of knowing that I only have a month before my surgery. I would like to have my house all organized and put away before the end of the month AND have as much fun as I can. Quite the conundrum.

So one more month. One more month of the crazy L.upron. One more month of having all this endo and assorted stuff growing inside of me. This isn't about baby-making folks (so I keep telling myself).

I can't wait to have my body back.

p.s. K from AYWH mentioned something about counting sleeps as a Canadian-ism in one of her blog comments last week. I don't know if it is, but I started counting sleeps when I was a camp counsellor many moons ago. I think I stole it from one of the kiddies, but I'm not sure.

I'm still here!

Hello all! I apologize for my silence in the bloggosphere as of late. I spent the first two days of my summer vacation packing up my classroom and putting things away. My school is being used for summer literacy camp and I wanted to make sure that the guests in my classroom don't get into my stuff!

I'm mentally and physically exhausted and to top it off Mr. JB and I have headaches. He's been staining furniture for the new basement and the fumes are driving us batty! It also doesn't help that the new carpet has a very strong smell. The L.upron has really heightened my sense of smell and I've been getting a lot of headaches.

We're going to leave our house in hopes of clearing our heads. Canada is celebrating its 147th birthday today and we're going to partake in some of the festivities.

I promise a more interesting post later!