Signs

I've been a bad blogger. I've also been a bad blog commenter.

But I have an explanation, so bear with me.

So our time at the cottage was great. Although they did have satellite internet on the island, I abstained until the day we left. It was great to be unplugged for a few days.

Unfortunately (and I warn all of you that I am about to sound incredibly selfish and self-centered), my best friend told me that she's pregnant. With her third.

Don't worry I was expecting the announcement sooner rather than later. I've known since before she was married that she wanted to have three kids (well actually four, but her husband doesn't know about the fourth Christmas stocking that she bought when she pregnant with her first child). I knew that she was cleaning out their fourth bedroom and I knew that she wanted her kids to be evenly spaced out (her daughter will be 6 in November and her son turned 3 in May). So when Mr. JB offered her a beer on our second day on the island and she refused, I knew that she was going to break me the news.

She cried. So did I. And she apologized which made me feel worse. I don't want to be pitied because of my infertility. I also don't want my best friend to feel guilty for being so damn fertile. But I also felt so angry that it comes so easy for her.

So instead of swimming across to shore with my car keys I shook off the tears and made myself enjoy the rest of our stay. The news of the baby was still at the back of my mind, but I went into robot infertile mode and did all of the required cottage-y activities. There was board game playing, kayaking, lounging and eating.

And I haven't felt so damn barren in my life.

I was relieved to get back to our house for many reasons -- I hate outhouses and I hate bugs even more.

We have been doing a lot of socializing with fertiles lately. We went to a barbecue at a high school friend of Mr. JB's and EVERYONE had kids. Even the one infertile that was at the party had a baby! Then Monday night we went to a barbecue and there were a lot of kids in attendance. We figure that one of the other couples is struggling with IF since they've been married for 6 years and she's made a comment about it to Mr. JB in the past.

I am so sick of hanging out with other people's children.

So today I had to see my surgeon and fill in some paperwork for my surgery. I asked Dr. I about my recovery and chances of conceiving post-surgery but he didn't want to say anything until afterwards. I know I wanted him to say, "Of course you'll be able to have children JellyBelly! How silly to even worry!" But life doesn't work that way.

I did ask him about what kind of stage IV endo I had and he did say that it was, "Stage IV IV" but he had seen worse. He also said that he has booked my surgery time for up to three hours but he won't know how long it will take until he sees how much the L.upron has done for the inflammation. I really hope that my theory of my increasing hot flashes correlating to the amount that the endo is calming down works!

After our doctor's appointment Mr. JB and I went to I.kea to get stuff for the new basement. It seems like I punctuate any sort of scary diagnoses and doctor's visits with visits to I.kea. After I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis I went to I.kea. My first big outing after my first ovarian cyst ruptured was to I.kea. There's something about the store that makes me happy, I don't know what it is, but it just does. It was also great that Mr. JB didn't complain one bit during our trip. I guess the promise of hot dogs after checking out was enough!

On our way home I broke down. There were so many pregnant women at I.kea and I was just so tired and hungry. I started to cry in the car and Mr. JB tried to console me the best that he could. His unwavering faith that we will have a biological child just amazes me. I don't trust my body at all, but he tells me every day that we will be parents. I wish I could believe him with my whole heart.

We stopped at the library on our way home -- have I mentioned how much I love the library? We've gone at least twice a week since our vacation has started. Forget about the big box book stores! Our library rocks! -- and I checked Sew's blog to get the wonderful news. I do have to admit that I was jealous for about 20 seconds. Then I gave my head a shake and I decided that I'm going to take it as a sign. I rejoice when a fellow infertile blogger gets her BFP! I prayed as we left the doctor's office that God would give us a sign that this surgery is something that will work, and here it is. So instead of the horrible feeling of dread that I felt when I got my bf's news, my heart is full of joy at the miracle that is growing inside of our dear Sew.

So no more avoiding the internet. And I promise that I will catch up on the blog commenting. I have to work through these feelings because I don't want to be weighed down during my surgery.

Btw, I found the cutest red rubber gloves at I.kea today. Have I mentioned that my favourite colour is red? Do I count that as a sign to?

You be the judge! ;)