31 March 2011

Trying to find peace in my downward dog

Or pigeon pose. Or backbends (which make me very nervous, but I'm trying to work through that). Or even child's pose.

I forced myself to stop feeling sorry for myself last night and this evening and I went to class. Both were hard, but I'm so glad that I did it. I know that lack of exercise always messes up my head.

Before class tonight, the teacher and I were talking about the real estate market. She's been trying to sell her place privately for a while, and we all know about my recent real estate woes. J said that perhaps I needed to be more open to the possibilities. Perhaps we're just not meant to move -- trust me, the thought has crossed my mind. We have enough saved up for an international adoption or a down payment, but not both.

Sometimes the many choices paralyze me.

This weekend I'm heading to a yoga retreat with my lovely yoga friends. I'm going to eat vegan food, go on hikes and practice. I'm also going to take time to be quiet with my thoughts and pray. I've let my mind get to cluttered with my life and I need to sit still and pause. I hate to be away from Mr. JB, but I know that I need some time to be alone as well.

I also know that I need to sit with the sadness that has been taking over. I've tried too long to push it away and I am certain that is why it has become so overwhelming.

I will keep all of you in my prayers. I wish that I could take you all with me!

30 March 2011

I surrender

I can't take it anymore.

I think that I have reached the sum total of all the disappointment that I can handle. I'm full up, in fact I am overflowing.

No, nothing else happened. Nothing has changed. I just feel so heavy with sadness.

I was trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me this afternoon. I was tired, which is normal, but, I feel like I have a huge weight on my body that I just can't shake.

And let me tell you, giving myself permission to be angry at God hasn't helped at all. I think that it's made it worse.

Perhaps I'm lacking endorphins. Or perhaps I shouldn't have skipped yoga last night. Maybe it's the barometric pressure.

Or maybe it's five and a half years of IF that have dragged me to this point.

What do you think?

I'm hoping that the potato mushroom soup that I made is going to help ease a bit of the doldrums, or at least it will be a tasty distraction.

Dear Prayer Buddy, I'm making you work overtime! I'm sorry!

28 March 2011

In-car Catharsis

First off, my Napro-trained naturopath is a total rock star. Not literally a rock star, but she is nonetheless awesome. Not only is she helping my wonky-ass hormones get on track, but she's doubled as an amazing therapist and cheerleader (I guess, that means she's a triple threat, if you're counting).

During our visit today Dr. Nora and I discussed letting go. She described my speaking style (which isn't the case in my "real", non-IF related life) as halting. And that's when I told her that I try so hard to hold it together, particularly in the face of those that know about my IF struggles. It isn't a surprise after five an a half years of monthly disappointment that I am upset. Heck, I am p*ssed off. Royally.

That's when Dr. Nora told me that it's okay to be angry at God.

"Whoa. That's nuts!" I told her. "I didn't know that I could be angry at the Lord!"

And that's when she quoted something very eloquently from the Bible (but because I have a strange memory I can't recall what the passage was), but the gist of what she was trying to tell me was that it was okay to be angry at God. Apparently He likes it when we're not being tepid followers. My anger is a signal to heaven that I am engaged in my faith and that I'm being an active participant.

A novel idea that I need time to wrap my head around. I've always thought that I was supposed to be obedient, at all times.

So there Lord, I'm angry. I'm p*ssed off. I'm so engaged in my faith that I am Greco-Roman wrestling with it on the floor. And I have no idea who is winning.

I also told Dr. Nora that I have a daily struggle with surrender and trust. As a type-A infertile who is obsessively task and list-oriented, it kills me that I can't check off "get pregnant" from my spiritual to-do list. My body is seemingly doing the right thing, my chart looks FABULOUS, I even have three "battle" scars from my surgeries, but I have NOTHING to show for it (well, except for a vast network of IF women and a fruitful blog, but please don't take this the wrong way, but I wish that I didn't know all of you, instead I wish that we all wrote tired mommy blogs).

The wisest advice that I gleaned today was that I need to be able to let go. I am so afraid of letting tears or anger come. I fear so much that if I start crying that I will not be able to stop. I give myself a few minutes here and there, but I haven't had a full-on cry in a LONG time. So of course, as I was driving home I broke down. I cried huge, ugly tears pretty much to my front door. I did feel better, but I know that there's more where they came from.

So before I get too deep or stop making sense I'm going to pour myself another glass of wine. I think that I've had a few too many revelations for a Monday night!

27 March 2011

Dealing with Disappointment *Updated

Yesterday was not a good day.

I couldn't shake the feel-me-sorries, regardless of how much I tried. Mr. JB, the patient man that he is, reminded me that we will find our house and that it just wasn't meant to be. We also talked about a couple of things that we didn't like about the house, mainly the fact that it backed onto a service road and that it was quite the walk to our parish (and the school that our kids would go to).

And most of all, we're glad that we didn't stretch ourselves financially for a house that wasn't 100% perfect.

We are so blessed to have a real estate agent that treats us like his family. There was no way that he was going to let us pay more than what the house was worth and we know that he was an amazing negotiator. It seems like he's just as disappointed as we are!

The best thing that has come out of this experience is that we know what we need to do to get our house ready. We've decided to repaint our ugly kitchen cabinets rather than replace them. H (our agent) and his girlfriend even offered to help us! Now that's full service!!!

I know that IF has taught me how to deal with disappointment and that after five and a half years, I have had my share. And I know when life events, like not getting a house that we both loved, are things that happen. My sadness gets amplified to ridiculous proportions because of the daily struggle of IF. I do believe in my heart that we will find the perfect "forever house"  -- I believe that more than I believe that I will have a biological child (yes, I am admitting that).

We are stepping up prayers to St. Joseph and to St. Anthony (we saw he relics yesterday and I left intentions for all of my IF friends who are praying to conceive). I just hope that the people that got the house will love it as much as we would have. I hope that their family is happy in their new home, because I know we would've been happy living there!


Update: Our real estate agent just BBM'ed Mr. JB and told him that the house sold for $510 000, but with no conditions. I am disappointed that it wasn't a money issue (since that was our top offer), but there is no way that we would've bought a forty year old house without a home inspection!

We know now that we have to get our financial ducks in a row before we put another offer on a house. That, in itself, will help with my level of sanity. I have a vague idea of how much our financial life will change with a bigger mortgage, but I want to see it in black and white!

25 March 2011

Pins and needles! *Updated :(

I should've known that this wasn't going to be easy...

So there's at least one other offer on the house. And we know that it is above the asking price.

Our real estate agent is going to be by soon so we can sign our last and best offer -- $510 000.

We are prepared to spend more than a half a million dollars on our home.

So nuts.

The selling agent seems like she wants a bidding war which is the last thing I wanted. Our agent does not want us to spend more than $510 000 since he believes that the house isn't worth more than that. I suggested writing a letter explaining that we are going to love the house and raise our family there, but he said that it all comes down to money.

Please keep the prayers coming!

St. Joseph and St. Rose of Lima, pray for us!!!!


Update: So our offer expired at 8pm and our agent hasn't heard a peep from the listing agent. Looks like the sellers are going with another offer.

I'm so sad, but on the other hand I am glad that we didn't get into a bidding war. We were firm on our offer and we weren't going to stretch ourselves to get this house.

Mr. JB said that he's glad that we went through this experience. We know what we have to do to get our house ready and we have the money secured for the deposit when needed.

So now we wait. And we all know that I have a lot of practice in the waiting department.

Thanks for the prayers! (Btw, prayer buddy, you've done an amazing job thus far! Keep those prayers coming!!!!)

24 March 2011

St. Joseph, Pray For Us!!!!! *UPDATED

I really hope that our luck is turning around.

I got the listing for the perfect house this morning (our agent has us set up to receive automatic listing from MLS). I yelped for joy when and Mr. JB thought that that I was losing my mind.

Mr. JB called our agent when he got to school and the ball got rolling very quickly. H, our agent, got in touch with the seller's agent and he even got into look at the house. Then he called Mr. JB back and said that he was writing up an offer since the house was that good. H sold us the townhouse that we live in now and he knows how particular I am (he's tried to show us other houses that weren't in our target area and I told him absolutely not).

The house is in our price range. It has three bedrooms. A beautiful backyard AND a hot tub. And, my biggest wish: a two car garage.

It is a family home, without the stress of condo boards and attached neighbours.

Do you think that it's a coincidence that I dug up the adoption paperwork yesterday and then this house came up in the listings?

So, if you have a prayer to spare for us tonight, could you say one to St. Joseph for us? And it wouldn't hurt to say a little one to St. Rose of Lima (who is my patron saint for 2011).

I really hope that our luck is changing, but I also know that a house this good is going to attract more than us. We also have to find $10 000 to secure the house if the sellers accept our offer. We have the money, but it may be difficult to access it all in the time frame that we have. 

St. Joseph, pray for us!!!


Update: Of course, this had to go down with some drama!

The seller's agent didn't have her pager on she she didn't know that we were putting an offer in. While our agent was trying to get a hold of her, another offer was put in. Our agent had us increase our offer to asking -- $499 800. Our original offer was $490 000. Our only conditions are financing and a home inspection.

Mr. JB secured a loan for the $10 000 with our bank -- and it was surprisingly easy.

So our agent won't be able to present our offer until tomorrow. I hope that is early enough in the day so I won't be on pins and needles. This current offer expires at 8pm tomorrow.

Keep those prayers coming! I want this house!!!!

23 March 2011

Did I mention that I really want a boring life?

There are many reasons why I want a new house.

Not only do I want more space and I can't stand the loud neighbours to the left of us, but I have been dealing with being on the board of directors with the most unbearable women in my life.

I thought that the THREE hour meeting last night took the cake. Unfortunately it got worse.

Our property manager and I have a very good rapport. I think that she's very knowledgeable and professional. The two other board members don't agree with me. Before our meeting last night the manager and I had an off the record conversation about Yv, who is the biggest pain in the you know where. After the marathon meeting, E, the manager and I commiserated about how frustrated we were since Yv and I (who is new to the board and who is in obvious cahoots with Yv) were so unbearably obnoxious.

Both conversations were in strictest confidence and off the record.

Then I got this e-mail that was carbon copied to ALL of the BOD:

Last night the two of them, Yv and I have nearly killed me [E]. You cannot even imagine of what I went through last night with these two. The third board member, JB, told me in confidence that she is moving, because she cannot stand Yv and now her new partner I.
I almost threw up when I read her e-mail. 

I know that I should not have gossiped. I know that I am in the wrong, but I am human and I have many faults. It amazes me that I didn't kick these women out of my house last night since they had no regard for the late hour, nor their disrespectful tone.

And btw, I was also "ousted" as president, which I was more than happy to pass over to Yv.

Mr. JB has wanted me to quit for quite some time. Since Yv joined the BOD she's made a once pleasant job, the biggest chore. What I'm most afraid of is that no one else will want to volunteer to join. Yv's ridiculous behaviour scared away one of our neighbours (who was interested in joining) when he came to a meeting in the fall.

I wish that I didn't care so much. I know that these two ridiculous women are going to spend all of the money that the corporation has without regard to what the residents want.

Have I mentioned that I really want to move? The biggest problem is that all the houses that are for sale in my neighbourhood are $700 000!!!


And don't worry, I haven't forgotten that this is an IF blog.

It's Peak +15 today and it looks like AF has started. How flipping fantastic.

But in other news, I have the Ch.ildren's A.id So.ciety adoption information beside me. I feel more than a little overwhelmed. I forgot how extensive the application was.

Baby steps, right?

22 March 2011

Quickie Check In

It's amazing that after a week away that I feel like I haven't had a vacation at all.

And it's only Tuesday.

What I do know is that more than IF is getting me closer to heaven -- my thankless condo board of directors position and my after school tutoring job. My prayer buddy is hopefully benefiting from all of this stress!

I am so thankful that it's finally spring (although we're supposed to get a ton of snow tomorrow, yay Canada!). Hopefully the doldrums of winter and all the associated drama seems to have blown over.

I promise a post about our trip very soon. I just need a good night's sleep so I can get my thoughts together!!!

17 March 2011

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

This is definitely the warmest St. Patrick Day that we have ever had!

The D.ominican Re.public has been amazing! We've had beautiful weather, the food has been great and I am getting the rest that I craved.

I'm taking my daily walks and praying the rosary along the beach -- definitely the most scenic praying that I have ever done!

Although I miss the blogs, this time away has been good for my brain.

Just a few more days, then we're back to reality.

Hugs and kisses to all of you!

12 March 2011

Get me outta here!

I have the pre-flying jitters. Flying doesn't make me nervous, but the anticipation of getting to the airport, going through security and then getting on the plane drive me around the bend! I checked in online last night and we have seats, so hopefully we won't have a repeat of what happened last March Break).

I need this vacation SO bad. Mental and physical exhaustion are not a good combination. I can only imagine what state I would be in if I wasn't on H.yrdocort!

So the computer is staying home, but my i.Phone is coming with me. I know that there's an Internet cafe at the resort so if I need a blogging fix (and not FB since I gave it up for Lent, and man I am going through some crazy withdrawal!) I can log on. I'm so happy that our report card schedule changed so I don't have to worry about getting that sort of stuff done over the break, a first in nine years!

So I'm going to praying for all of you on the beach. The Rosary ap is on my phone and ready for action. We were so tired last night that I just played it before we went to sleep and it was so nice! Hopefully my Lenten prayer buddy will benefit from all of the relaxation that I will be sending her from the Caribbean!

p.s. We called the airline last night and they were so helpful. I'm flying with a prescription from my doctor with the well-labeled box of HCG. I joked yesterday that I should tell the security people that I'm a body builder, but I don't think they would believe me! For those of you that have met me in real life, you know that I definitely don't look like body builder material!

10 March 2011

Two more sleeps & A question only an IF girl can ask

I can almost smell the beach!

After a long, cold winter (which I'm sure will give us at least one more blast before spring, I do live in Canada after all!) Mr. JB and I are leaving for the D.ominican Re.public on Saturday. We've never gone to an all-inclusive resort before, but I think it is exactly what I need to get myself back on track.

I realize that most working people have only a few weeks of vacation per year and I admire each and every one of you that do, but since working most of last summer I am exhausted! I was wondering why I was feeling so miserable and I know it's because I haven't had a proper break. I'm trying not to worry about what we could've used the money that we spent on (hmm, like the kitchen renovation we want to do, or perhaps replacing the gross carpet we have upstairs...) and I'm trying to focus on appreciating the fact that we are going to go somewhere where the main focus is doing nothing.

I know that it may not come as a surprise, but I'm not good at doing nothing.

I have quite a few books, my i.Pod loaded with music and quite the sleep debt that I need to take care of, so at least I have some "projects" while I soak in that vitamin D!

I'm so glad that we're going away early on in the Lenten season. I already have visions of myself getting some good prayer time while taking walks on the beach. There's also a fitness facility where I'm sure I will get some good praying done while on the Stair.Master (yes, I love that machine, am I strange?).

I could feel my mood lifting today and I could sense my class was calmer because I wasn't acting all stressed out. After the craziness of last week the kids have remembered how to behave and we had no visits with the principal. I'm hoping that we can cruise to the end of June with good behaviour!

And now for my question: I knew that I couldn't leave IF at home and I will have to do my HCG injections while we're away. My body cooperated by Peaking a little later (gotta love late ovulation!) and it will be Peak +3 on Saturday. I'm thinking that I'm going to wait until P +4 to start the injections since I don't want to travel with an open vial of medication.

I have never traveled with syringes before and I'm a little concerned about what will happen when we go through the checks at the airport. I'm already picturing my bag being checked thoroughly and having to explain that I'm infertile and that's why I have the drug paraphernalia. I definitely don't want to put the HCG in my suitcase just in case my luggage gets lost. Do any of you have any advice? Should I bring my prescription or will the labeled box of HCG be enough?

Thanks in advance!

8 March 2011

Mardi Gras Tout le Monde!

I'm so pumped for Lent to start!

I feel like I need to overhaul my soul, big time. It isn't a secret that I've had a tough start to 2011. I had a feeling that this year was going to turn my life upside down, but I didn't realize that so many things around me would cause me feel like I was in some strange alternate universe. Too much family drama, death, and of course the ugliness of IF jealousy (I have a post coming about that, don't you worry!) has been too big a part of my life.

I can't wait for vacation next week, but I'm ready to take this time and work on me. My prayer life has suffered and I have been so unfocused (I can feel it at work and I know that I'm not giving it my 100%). I'm going to spring clean my soul!

So here's what I'm going to do:

1) I'm giving up Face.book.* I'm obsessed with it and I know that it isn't a healthy relationship. Seems like more than one person I know is going to do it too (Hi Sew!) and I'm stealing their profile picture!

2) I'm also giving up Pe.rez Hil.ton.* Yes, I admit it. I am addicted to celebrity gossip. It's a sad, sad thing, but I can't look away!

3) I'm going to meditate before I go to bed. I took a meditation workshop in the fall and it was part of my homework. I was a happier person when I meditated regularly.

4) No pop (but I haven't really had any since January 1st).

5) No checking the blogs at work (in my attempt to be more focused on my job).

6) No more Star.bucks. I'm an addict. I salivate when I drive by. It's wrong wrong wrong.

* I'm deleting the applications from my i.Phone. I know if the aps are there I will be too tempted!

So there you go. Let's see what kind of insights I'm going to learn in the next four days!

p.s. Prayer Buddy, I'm gonna pray my buns of for you!!! 

7 March 2011

Should've left well enough alone! HELP! *Updated -- Problem solved!

I was tinkering with my blog design and now all of my followers have disappeared (for only the Mac users out there only, I believe. Is this a conspiracy???)

I didn't do anything to change my follower settings so I don't know what I've done! Does anyone know how to fix that? Or can you girls see it and it's just invisible to me for some odd reason.

Also, I've been trying to add the button that Chasing Joy made, but I can't figure out how to do it.  I figured out how to do this. Thanks for the tip Matching Moonheads!

Help my bloggy friends!

 Thanks in advance!


I guess I wasn't the only one with the problem yesterday! It's all fixed! Yay!

6 March 2011

...and God laughed

I can't remember which Catholic IF blog I read this quote, "I made plans, but then God laughed."

It's been stuck in my head ever since I read it! Before I continue, if I stole this from from you please let me know so I can give you credit!

I've had more than one instance in the past week where I know that the Lord is chuckling because of me, and don't worry, now that I have had some distance from the happenings of my life, I think it's pretty funny too.

So the little girl in my class has continued to make life interesting. The principal caught her giving the middle finger and calling kids a$$holes at recess. She was sent to the office and got quite the talking to. My boss is pretty scary when he's angry and the kid peed herself because she was so afraid. Lucky for me, the principal is taking care of the situation with the parents since her behaviours are now getting worse when she's outside of the classroom. It has been so long since I've had a student that was this disruptive and I'm a little out of practice. I feel so bad for the rest of my class because they try so hard to be good and want to learn and because of one student's actions their learning is being affected.

I definitely felt like I earned every penny of my salary last week!

On Friday afternoon Mr. JB got a call from his cousin -- yes, the one of the scandalous wedding -- and he was asked to be the baby's godfather. He was so touched that he got teary eyed on the phone. I have mixed feelings about it, but it's only because I am so incredibly jealous that they have a baby (it's the getting pregnant by accident that I can't get over, that and the fact that I have been infertile for longer than this couple has known one another). I know that the Lord has put this situation in our laps because I have to deal with this.

I'm thinking that I'm going to need therapy or a labotomy before the baptism in May.


I saw Dr. Nora last Monday and we had a great visit. She didn't have my bloodwork results from Dr. T (not a surprise since Dr. T's office is a bit crazy) so we ended up talking more about my feelings. I told her that I was having an exceptionally hard time with my IF as of late. I told her about my maid of honour  and she wants me to educate her about NFP and Napro (she was concerned about my MOH's IUD usage in the past). I have no idea how I'm going to broach the subject with her, but Dr. Nora thinks that I need to build bridges with people that are ignorant about family planning alternatives. I can't even let myself think about how to do this since I have pre-March Break brain fatigue.

Speaking about the March Break. We leave in less than a week. I can't wait to get on that plane! We went shopping on Friday night and I was a mess. I hate bathing suit shopping with a passion. I have some ridiculous body issues (it may have something to do with my mother calling me fat my entire life, I know that I'm not, but our brains do bad things to our perceptions) and I dreaded the trip to the mall all week. It was the first time since my surgeries that I was faced with the fact that I can't wear certain suits because of my scars. I was never a fan of the bikini (I don't walk around in my underwear, so why would I walk around in one????) and I own a few cute tankinis. I found some cute tops, but when I found the matching bottoms I couldn't get them because they were cut so low.

I hated being reminded of my IF at a time when I was already so upset.

I know that the fertility drugs have done a number on my body and also I am over 35 (ouch, typing that was a bit painful). I also don't work out like a maniac -- which I did in my 20's. There were a few dressing rooms where I wanted to cry. I wish that my weight gain was from being pg, and not from years of IF, but I guess that goes without saying.

Lastly, my body is being super weird. I think that I ovulated around Day 13 which is four days earlier than I usually do. I had almost no fertile CM (a day and a half of 10KL, usually I have four or five days, I have fantastic mucus scores and I have since my second surgery).  I will have this weirdness to blame for a bust cycle.

I can't believe that this time next week we will be somewhere nice and hot! We had a few mild days then we got a huge dumping of snow last night. I am so sick of the winter! I need this vacation to help preserve my sanity.

Only six more sleeps....

1 March 2011

I hate my GP and other reasons why this day sucked

This day was the W.O.R.S.T.

I want to go to bed just so it could be over.

So, I am not dying, nor do I have anything serious to worry about. Apparently I have low HDL cholesterol and that's why I was called in to see the doctor. My levels are 1.16 mmol/L which is on the lower end of the range. When I went to Dr. Google it said that having low HDL can lead to heart disease. I also read that stress and anxiety can lower HDL levels -- and yes, I may be a little stressed (stupid January and February).

Because I am one of those typically polite Canadians I left the doctor's office without letting on that I was absolutely livid. I wish that the receptionist told me that the doctor wanted to see me, but it wasn't urgent. I spent two days worried out of my skull. It also doesn't help that my GP is the one that brushed my painful periods aside as well as the ovarian cysts and the mid-cycle bleeding. I am so thankful for my Napro doctor since she is at least competent!


Three other reasons why my day sucked:

1) I got quite the letter from one of the mothers in my class. Her daughter kicked FOUR boys in their private areas during lunch recess. The teacher on duty told me what had happened and at the next recess I took the little girl to the office to talk to the vice principal. It obviously wasn't an accident since she kicked four boys and not one.

The mother basically told me that it was my fault that her child is acting out and that she had none of these problems at her previous school (which I am certain that it isn't the case since I read her file!). I have hard time believing that a child that lashes out physically to this degree has not had problems before. Needless to say, I have to have a meeting with the VP and this mother to get to the bottom of it all.

Btw, the mom mentioned that she suspects that her child has ADD or ADHD at our recent parent-teacher interviews, which totally explains why the kid can't do any work unsupervised. She spends more time rolling on the floor than she does actually doing any work. If I knew in October when she moved to my school I would've been able to have some strategies in place!

Also, the kid mentioned that her mom had a few miscarriages before she was born. Not only am I dealing with a mother in denial, but I'm also dealing a woman that has dealt with IF and who's kid is a mess!

2) I signed up to do extra after school tutoring to help improve our grade three testing scores. My colleague and I have twenty kids between the two of us, but it felt like there were 60 students! A few of the students are absolutely bonkers! I was trying to read a story to the group and it took almost 45 minutes to get through it because the kids were nuts! It is going to be the hardest earned $1500 I will ever earn!

3) My dad is supposed to retire on Thursday and I found out that he's planning to continue work. He has been talking about retiring for the past year and I thought that he was so excited. I am so disappointed that he isn't going to take the time off and relax. Mr. JB said that he's certain that my dad didn't want to tell me because I would be upset, which I am. 

Needless to say on my way home I stopped and got some wine.

Thank you so much for your prayers. When I'm not so darned grumpy I'll tell you all about my appointment with Dr. Nora.

Tomorrow can't come fast enough.