30 March 2011

I surrender

I can't take it anymore.

I think that I have reached the sum total of all the disappointment that I can handle. I'm full up, in fact I am overflowing.

No, nothing else happened. Nothing has changed. I just feel so heavy with sadness.

I was trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with me this afternoon. I was tired, which is normal, but, I feel like I have a huge weight on my body that I just can't shake.

And let me tell you, giving myself permission to be angry at God hasn't helped at all. I think that it's made it worse.

Perhaps I'm lacking endorphins. Or perhaps I shouldn't have skipped yoga last night. Maybe it's the barometric pressure.

Or maybe it's five and a half years of IF that have dragged me to this point.

What do you think?

I'm hoping that the potato mushroom soup that I made is going to help ease a bit of the doldrums, or at least it will be a tasty distraction.

Dear Prayer Buddy, I'm making you work overtime! I'm sorry!

18 comments:

  1. You know that quote, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. There is only so much anyone can take, I wish I had wise sage advice for you, something to make it clear.

    Being angry is good, you should be angry (oh and anger heals sadness, so maybe you should get more angry?).

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  2. I love you and I hate that you're experiencing this. I remember when my priest gave me "permission" to be honest with God about my feelings. I think it was a turning point for me. Here's where I posted about it (and some other things we discussed:http://throughlifesentanglements.blogspot.com/2010/09/spiritual-direction.html

    Maybe what he said to me can be of help to you. Praying for you, JB

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  3. I think it's almost 6 yes of if! Praying for u sweet jb!

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  4. Addressing the white elephant in the room with god us always good!!

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  5. Heck I surrendered a long time ago...but I still have the feelings you are having..it is heavy..IF is a heavy cross to carry...it's sucks big donkey balls when one can't find answers and just can't seem to understand...I agree...lashing out at God has never made me feel better either. Sometimes, I think it makes Him laugh more. Praying for you JB.

    OH..my dh and I are thinking Canada for our trip this summer..it would be the Ontario/Burlington area. That is where my family lives. Are you near that area????

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  6. Over the years, there were just some stretches of time (sometimes weeks, sometimes months) that were unbearable. It just felt like there was never going to be any end to the pain :(. Sometimes all you can do to get through it is wallow a bit, distract yourself, and try and treat yourself as gently as possible in the meantime.

    ((hugs))

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  7. So sorry. :( Hope the doldrums go away.

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  8. I think that allowing yourself to be angry at God has opened up a different can of worms. You haven't allowed yourself to feel this way before, so now that you are, you have years of it built up. It will take time to work through these new feelings. They aren't new, but in some ways, you are feeling them for the first time.

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  9. Words I know aren't comforting at this point. Just imagine me hugging your neck. Wish I could be there to comfort you sweetie.

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  10. I definitely know the "can't carry any more" feeling. I think it's that peoples capacity to carry the load rises and falls naturally in life; some days we can take more than others. And people with IF (not unlike a lot of other people, I'm sure - the chronically ill, people in disastrous marriages, those with mental health issues, I'm thinking) are carrying a close-to-capacity load all the time. On a day when that capacity is a little diminished, or when an extra bit of crap gets thrown on the pile, there's a total system overload. This is what I'm struggling with - in a healthy life, you have some days that are hard and tear you down, and other days that are wonderful and bear you up. And most days are average. And in the net it works. I feel that in my life, the "bear you up" days don't really happen. On a good day, I'm not directly thinking about IF and the other problems in my life are taking a breather. But I'm still barren, and I'm still worn down and sad. There has to be some way - barren or not - to return to a place in life where peace is possible most of the time, and joy is possible some of the time. (I am calling the psychologist's office again tomorrow, I swear.) I pray you find a way to lighten the burden.

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  11. P.S. I didn't find that telling God how angry I am with Him did me any good, either. But I am probably doing it wrong.

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  12. Five-and-a-half years dragged me to that point, that's for sure! It's just so, so hard. I hope this dark time is right before the dawn for you. You're in my prayers!

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  13. I am so sorry you are hurting so much right now. I remember that on days like these, I would just spend time in front of the tabernacle and tell him while crying loads of tears just how sad I was. I still do this and it is the only thing that reminds me that he counts my tears and holds me while I hurt in his strong hands. Will keep praying . . .

    Dear God,
    Please send some sunshine into JB's world. Amen.

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  14. I was there, too. My solace was the prayer, "Lord, I want what You want, when You want it, and how You want it." Humbling, though. Praying for you!

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  15. I am so very sorry.
    I have only been following your blog for a couple years, so I might have missed an earlier post about why surrogacy is not an option? Sending you hugs.

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  16. Oh gosh...my heart just aches for you. I know that pain and frustration only too well. A priest reminded me once that Good Friday had to precede Easter Sunday. I hope and pray this time of wait and agony is drawing to a close for you.

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  17. Potato mushroom soup sounds like a delicious distraction :) Sending lots of prayers your way!

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  18. So sorry you are feeling like this...I'm praying for you and some peace.

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