28 March 2011

In-car Catharsis

First off, my Napro-trained naturopath is a total rock star. Not literally a rock star, but she is nonetheless awesome. Not only is she helping my wonky-ass hormones get on track, but she's doubled as an amazing therapist and cheerleader (I guess, that means she's a triple threat, if you're counting).

During our visit today Dr. Nora and I discussed letting go. She described my speaking style (which isn't the case in my "real", non-IF related life) as halting. And that's when I told her that I try so hard to hold it together, particularly in the face of those that know about my IF struggles. It isn't a surprise after five an a half years of monthly disappointment that I am upset. Heck, I am p*ssed off. Royally.

That's when Dr. Nora told me that it's okay to be angry at God.

"Whoa. That's nuts!" I told her. "I didn't know that I could be angry at the Lord!"

And that's when she quoted something very eloquently from the Bible (but because I have a strange memory I can't recall what the passage was), but the gist of what she was trying to tell me was that it was okay to be angry at God. Apparently He likes it when we're not being tepid followers. My anger is a signal to heaven that I am engaged in my faith and that I'm being an active participant.

A novel idea that I need time to wrap my head around. I've always thought that I was supposed to be obedient, at all times.

So there Lord, I'm angry. I'm p*ssed off. I'm so engaged in my faith that I am Greco-Roman wrestling with it on the floor. And I have no idea who is winning.

I also told Dr. Nora that I have a daily struggle with surrender and trust. As a type-A infertile who is obsessively task and list-oriented, it kills me that I can't check off "get pregnant" from my spiritual to-do list. My body is seemingly doing the right thing, my chart looks FABULOUS, I even have three "battle" scars from my surgeries, but I have NOTHING to show for it (well, except for a vast network of IF women and a fruitful blog, but please don't take this the wrong way, but I wish that I didn't know all of you, instead I wish that we all wrote tired mommy blogs).

The wisest advice that I gleaned today was that I need to be able to let go. I am so afraid of letting tears or anger come. I fear so much that if I start crying that I will not be able to stop. I give myself a few minutes here and there, but I haven't had a full-on cry in a LONG time. So of course, as I was driving home I broke down. I cried huge, ugly tears pretty much to my front door. I did feel better, but I know that there's more where they came from.

So before I get too deep or stop making sense I'm going to pour myself another glass of wine. I think that I've had a few too many revelations for a Monday night!


  1. Tears help! That us how I made 12 yrs! I cried when I felt like it (at home, not in public) and it cleanses the soul! I was told by my sil that is a nun after losing Gavin that it wA ok to be angry at God, that I should just keep talking to him, let Him know I'm angry! It all helps!

  2. Love you! Can I just say, I love you!!!!

  3. Oh, JB.. I hate that you have to think about crying and being angry at God! I wish God had delivered you from this a long time ago. I just don't understand it but I suppose we need to trust and have faith. I hope the crying helps a little. I definitely did my share of crying in the car.. and just about everywhere else! I'm always praying for you, that you become a mother very soon.

  4. Enjoy your glass of wine!! And, a priest once told me, in the confessional, "If it's a sin to be mad at God, I'm in a whole bunch of trouble!" :)

    Just the same I hope the anger transforms into limitless joy. :) Preferably by way of a bundle of joy.

  5. GOOD FOR YOU!! Crying is such a gift - it's amazing how healing they are. So the bigger/uglier the tears, the deeper the pain!! Someday, all of this will be a distant memory.

  6. I SO SO agree with Dr. Nora. I truly believe it's OK to be MAD at God. Like you said, it means you're engaged in your faith and you have a real, human relationship with Him. I was p!ssed at Him when I got CD1 on Christmas Day (after having gotten it on Thanksgiving Day too!). So, yeah. I think it's human, it's normal, and quite frankly, healing.

  7. I am glad that this woman in your life is so amazing and supportive. Sounds like God has given you an angel to help you along this nutty journey. The best breakdowns are in the shower!! No one can hear.....I have had my best cries in there. ((hugs))

  8. Oh how I know the feeling of just bursting in to tears. I just wish I could have been there with you to have that glass of wine (or two:)). I'm so happy that you have you direction and you understand more your relationship with God. I soooo pray for you friend. Hugs:)

  9. Girl- I am right there with you!
    I totally believe that God wants that open dialogue with us. He wants our hearts to be honest before Him, even if that comes with a little anger!
    I wish I could sit and have that glass of wine with you (heck, a bottle would be good too!).
    Prayers headed your way!

  10. I'm with Barbie, tears definately help. Every once in a while (though I've noticed it's rarer recently) I need a good, ugly cry. And it feels great.

    I've also expressed anger at God, which felt really relieving to do, and afterwards I think our relationship grew from it.

  11. This post is exactly what I needed to see right now because it's exactly what I've been feeling lately!


  12. Hugs to you little sister! I feel like I cry all the time! I can say that it is a good release...most of the time. Love ya! And still praying for you!

  13. If you need to talk, you know how to find me.

    It is ok to be angry, and it is ok to cry.

    I hope you feel a bit better today.

  14. Dr Nora is amazing! She is right, one can be mad at God. Its human and normal, the whole thing is not staying there with the feeling.