10 May 2010

When to throw in the towel

Okay girls, I'm having a low moment.

I was changing after school and the thought popped into my head: How much more of this can I take?

We've been doing Napro since April 2008. I had my first surgery April 2009 and my second on August 2009. We've been officially trying since December 2009.

I'm tired. I'm fed up. I'm used to being IF. I can barely imagine being pg.

It will be five years of trying in July.

Five years of disappointment. Five years of feeling sad. Five years of not having the one thing that I have wished for.

Before my surgeries I wished that the doctor would tell me that I couldn't have children so I could shut this horrible chapter in my life. I wanted closure, rather than continued disappointment.

How much longer can I do this without losing my mind?

25 comments:

  1. this is going to sound really frustrating, but but NaPro standards are 12-18 effective cycles, and then throw in the towel. You body is still healing and getting to the right balance. It know it is so hard to hang in there, but I really think you are on the right track. :)

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  2. This is one the hardest things I have ever had to endure and think often of throwing in the towel and saying screw it just like you.

    The thought of holding a baby keeps me coming back. I know in my heart if right now I was to let this go that I would simply not be ready.

    Even though it hurts we just have to keep hanging on till we have hope again! It's painful but in the end it will be worth it.

    Where in Canada can I find go information about NaPro?

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  3. Hey J,
    It took my 2 years of treatments to get Levi, Napro is a slower process then most fertility treatments. I also take breaks, when I feel like Im stuck- a few cycles off always has helped me refocus.. praying for you!

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  4. Follow-up to Erin's comment: What constitutes an "effective cycle?" Mucus score? luteal phase? all of the above?

    It is such a hard question to answer and one I ask myself every day.

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  5. I know. It's so hard on our hearts! I'm sorry you're having a low moment. Hang in there! I'll lift you up in prayer today. :)

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  6. Yeah, I believe effective cycles are one where the mucus cycle score was good ("regular"- at least 9.0), good P+7s and good post-Peak phase, where intercourse occured on days of fertility.

    I think we're on the same wavelength today, as I'm struggling with the same thing.

    I should have thrown in the towel long ago based on NaPro standards :( I'm just not looking forward to a career in baby-snatching.

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  7. *hugs* thinking of you
    hedwig

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  8. I totally agree that 5 years trying isn't five years of napro and that you should give napro more time. that being said, give yourself the 18 cycles and then allow yourself to grive and move on if it hasn't happened by then. just my opinion, but everyone needs a reasonable end date where they can say they gave it their all. i think that is part of keeping your sanity and your marriage. to know that there is an end date and that this doesn't have to be all there is to your marriage/free time, etc. prayers for extra grace for the journey! btw, the word verification was St. Menses (punctuation mine). How funny is that?!

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  9. I have been there so many times and when the five year mark came for me, it was incredibly painful. But I just wanted to say that no matter what you decide to do, it's still ultimately in God's hands. Even when we give up, that doesn't mean God gives up too. I'd pray about it specifically and see if God's calling you one way or the other. Giving up (or the less committal 'taking a break') can sometimes even help to take the pressure off for a while.

    To touch on LH's question.. I had a lot of what appeared to be effective cycles at the time, but I'd find out they hadn't been when something new was found (most recently my endometrioma in Aug.). So in my experience it can be hard to tell sometimes.

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  10. WB R, I think that's my patron Saint!

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  11. I have great hope for you! Dr. H said it would probably take us 12=18 months post surgery to successfully conceive. I was going to literally give it 18 mo. then I could move on. I am so glad we did not give up, we had just reached the 18 months (that does include the time with the ectopic pregnancy and recovery time, though). I am praying for you because trying when you are fed up is hard. I was there for a really long time and it seemed to suck the life out our marriage so we had to try really hard to stay connected and life-giving to one another! Praying!!

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  12. oh girl, I'm sorry you are down. I understand your pain....year after year of nothing. I wish I had an answer for you but I have to say the girls make sense.......give youself a year trying NaPro then re-evaluate.

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  13. hugs hun. I think you're a warrior, as hard as doing ivf is it was WAY easier then trying to get pregnant each and every month, the build up, the anticipation, with trying with ivf there was only disappointment the months I cycled, if that makes sense at all...
    anyhow, even warriors get tired, give your self a break, it's okay to feel sad and angry at mothers day.

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  14. I am so so sorry. I do understand and found myself feeling the same way not too long ago.
    Sending you a hug and prayers.

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  15. You have only had a clean pelvis for 5 months. There is something that messes with your mind after you have surgery.

    You think well, I'm clean now and if it worked I would be pregnant! I felt the SAME way....

    It took us 8 months after surgery....So hold on tight....

    I know all the announcements have to be wracking your brain and stinging your heart....I know....

    Don't give up, not yet! It's not time! Do not give up on hope! Hope is God. :)

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  16. Ugh, I'm totally feelin' ya. It's been 14 months since my last surgery, and I really thought I'd be pregnant by now. It's been so long that I can't even fathom EVER being pregnant (or a parent, if we adopt). I feel like I'm going to be stuck in this limbo forever. I know it's not true - eventually, we will adopt and be parents, but that's hard to imagine right now.
    I wish we could see the future and know how much longer we'll have to wait...

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  17. I don't know much, but I do know that it's too early after your surgeries to give up!

    And, there have been so many miracles just when people get to their lowest point....

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  18. My decision making about throwing in the towel came down to this: if I stopped now, would I have regrets. When I knew I could say no, I would call it quits. I couldn't live with what ifs in my mind, I had to exhaust my reasonable options.

    Duck is right. I think IVF is easier in many regards. There was nothing worse than the death march sex for us.

    It took us 7 years. Many, many times I wanted to throw in the towel. It does help to take a break for a cycle or two every once in a while. And sometimes, just when you are ready to give up and you think things are completely pointless, you do get surprised. Your FSH is good, your hormones are managed. Your endo is gone. It isn't impossible that it could happen. It just feels that way.

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  19. I definitely understand the frustration (and I haven't even been trying as long as you), but definitely don't give up until you've given it the 12-18 cycles that Erin mentioned. I'll be praying for you.

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  20. I keep wondering the same thing myself (about losing my mind). There are no words. Just wanted to say hello and wanted you to know I'm thinking about you! HUGS!

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  21. I feel the same way. I always wanted the doctors to tell me it was hopeless, so I could give up and move on. Being unexplained has always left a major whole in my heart. It will be four years this July for us. Totally sucks.

    P.S. My goodnews is sadly not of the baby variety but for fashion blogging.

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  22. It's so hard when you feel like your spinning your wheels...feels like insanity at it's best. But These ladies had some great advice for you...I agree sometimes it's good to step back and take a break and sometimes have a date to change the plans or move on is good. But we are resilent, so even after the worst of cycles, we bounce back, because that's how we roll. It's mentally, physically and emotionally exhuasting...sometimes we just need to recharge.

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  23. Courage! Hang in there. Praying for you always!

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  24. i could have written this post.

    it's got to come around to us at some point....


    ..... right?

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  25. I'm sorry your feeling this right now. I wish I had some magical words to make you feel better! Your in our prayrs ! :)

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