28 May 2010

What could've been

Tonight we celebrated my fertile best friend's son's 4th birthday.

Yes, the best friend that has the newborn son and a 6 year old daughter.

When Mr. JB and I were engaged we planned that she would get pg after our wedding and then I would get pg in the fall. We wanted to spend our maternity leaves together (for those of you that don't know, we get a year off paid -- not our full wage but, it's still something). I loved it when she was on mat leave with her daughter. I spent so much time with them when I was off for the summer and since we had just bought a house around the corner from her family, we thought that we had it made.

My fertile bf has gone on to have three kids and I still have none.

I love her kids. I even held the baby tonight (I noticed that her sister-in-law didn't, she's been trying for a while and she had a miscarriage in December, I know I should reach out, but there doesn't seem to be an appropriate moment to do so). After the kids were put to bed the birthday boy snuck downstairs to join the party. I got to snuggle with him on the back deck while he had a snack and I thought, "I wish that this was my little boy, but he isn't."

I have thought many, many times that I think that it will be enough to be cool Auntie JellyBelly. I always feel like the most loved person in the room when I'm with my bf's kids. They have plenty of hugs and kisses and "I love yous." I always volunteer to help them get ready for bed and choose their pyjamas.

I'd like to believe that it's going to be enough.

I know that I can't think of what could've been if I wasn't infertile. It has become obvious to me that the life that I'm living and the path that I have chosen is what is meant to be, despite the fact that I completely disagree. I also know that one day I will look back at this time in my life and I will realize why I had to go through this experience.

I keep on repeating, "Your will be done, Your will be done" in my head whenever I start to feel down. My infertility is going to serve a purpose in my life, I know that it will.


  1. Sweetie, it's already serving many purposes. It is a beautiful thing, just as you are a beautiful child of God.

    Our counselor was telling me to not withhold my "mothering" during this time to the children in my life. At this point there's really only one child, my 6 yr old niece (SIL's kid). I was ashamed to admit that I had been doing just that- ignoring and withholding my mothering from her. My thoughts were, if her mother neglects her, why should I be the one to give her the love when I have likewise been "neglected" by my heavenly father?
    Today I spent the afternoon playing catch with her and making her laugh with silly jokes. It felt good.
    I am so happy to see you have always had that ability to give your love, unconditionally, to all the children in your life. You really are a mother in so many ways already, and I just know that you will also be a physical mother someday. In the meantime, enjoy all the mothering you get to do with these little ones :)

  2. As always, TCIE has said everything I was thinking, far more eloquently than I could have! Ditto to everything she said. I feel the same way--while it sometimes hurts to be around my nieces and nephews because they are not mine, still somehow nothing makes me happier than their smiles and giggles and playing and laughing and tickling and hugging. It's amazing and painful at the same time. But TCIE is right (as always), someday you will be a mother the way you long for. Until that happens, God's given you these little mothering moments with those precious little ones.

  3. I Just became an Aunt myself to my newborn newphew...and although he is not biologically mine but having been there shortly after he was born in the hospital i feel like i am part of his young new life already. Of course after we left him and walked out of the room where he was with his mom...i couldn't hold it in anymore and a flood of tears...and i mean heart wrenching tears came out and luckily my hubby was right beside me to console me.

    Your fertile bf is like many women i see who just have 3 or 4 kids hanging onto them..it is incredible how some women are just so fertile..it is mind boggeling.

  4. That must be very difficult to watch your BF have children while you cannot. Very difficult.

    But I totally agree that although you haven't had children yet, you can have children in your life. How wonderful that you are open to mothering them.

    When I had my son I would PRAY for other women to mother him when I wasn't around, heck even when I was around! We are all a team in raising children. We are all mothers to them.

  5. You're so strong JB, I'm proud of you, it's not easy to go to a little persons birthday party!

  6. TCIE said it perfectly. I realized with her comment that I did alot of mothering to the children in my life and that was the only thing that would bring smiles to my face some days. Praying for you my friend, I understand your feelings, everytime I am celebrating my two best friends' oldest daughters I remember that our first one was due around the same time only two years earlier. God will lead you to fulfilled dreams, I believe it!!!

  7. You really need to give yourself credit for how strong you are. Those parties are tough.

  8. I love being with my niece and nephew, showering hugs and kisses on them. I like being around my friends' kids, although it's not the same as with family, because it feels like the parents are sitting and watching me with pity in their eyes. I love kids, period.
    But...when we had our friends and their 3 children living with us for 3 months, I realized that being an aunt would never be the same - bathtimes, bedtime routines, comforting them when they're sick or hurting, feeding...those are all things that parents, not aunties do.
    I know that I'll never be satisfied being an aunt only, but I am sure that this time of suffering has to be making me a better person and hopefully a better mom one day.
    I'm glad you have these little ones in your life - I think of it as keeping the mothering skills warmed up while we're waiting :).

  9. I"m glad you were able to open up and hold her baby. I personally find holding and mothering and loving those babies so soothing to my infertile heart. They heal.....if only for a time.

    I have those thoughts sometimes too, for instance I would have a 10 yr old right now and likely at least 3 other kids if I had been as fertile as I thought I would be. It's mind blowing really, a 10 yr old? yikes.

    But I steer my thoughts away from that and simply concentrate on being the best darn Aunt I can be and loving those babies with all my heart.

    God Bless you JB and your beautiful soul

  10. I am praying for you... I'm just now catching up on some blog reading and have read what's been going on these past couple of weeks. I'm stepping up my prayers for you - especially during this last month of school!

  11. Based on past experience, it definitely seems that I'll look back on all this unpleasantness some day and see how it was not only purposeful but necessary. But I can't see that now. You have a clearer sight.

  12. "It has become obvious to me that the life that I'm living and the path that I have chosen is what is meant to be, despite the fact that I completely disagree." I have never thought of it exactly like this but it describes how I feel at times!

    I love to love on my little niece and nephews. At the moment I am with them, all is right and I try and simply live in the moment with them because those little ones don't understand and don't care that you don't have a child. You are all that matters to them at that moment. Of course, the pain of not having my own child to love and hold sneaks in at times. But I try and push it away because I don't want those feelings holding me back from loving them.

    I agree with TCIE about how just because you aren't a physical mother yet doesn't mean that you can't be mothering to those little ones that you love now! My MIL actually sent me a mother's day card saying this exact thing. It's a good reminder I think!

  13. "I also know that one day I will look back at this time in my life and I will realize why I had to go through this experience."--- I think this as well but the journey is still with much pain.

    Praying for you JB.

  14. "It has become obvious to me that the life that I'm living and the path that I have chosen is what is meant to be, despite the fact that I completely disagree."

    I am going through a different struggle right now that is really difficult for me (though not as gut wrenchingly painful as IF). These words really capture my beliefs and battle as well. Thank you for putting them out there.

    Your friend and the children are so lucky to have you and your love in their lives. I hope your path will become clear to you in time and that you will find joy in it.