Tonight we celebrated my fertile best friend's son's 4th birthday.
Yes, the best friend that has the newborn son and a 6 year old daughter.
When Mr. JB and I were engaged we planned that she would get pg after our wedding and then I would get pg in the fall. We wanted to spend our maternity leaves together (for those of you that don't know, we get a year off paid -- not our full wage but, it's still something). I loved it when she was on mat leave with her daughter. I spent so much time with them when I was off for the summer and since we had just bought a house around the corner from her family, we thought that we had it made.
My fertile bf has gone on to have three kids and I still have none.
I love her kids. I even held the baby tonight (I noticed that her sister-in-law didn't, she's been trying for a while and she had a miscarriage in December, I know I should reach out, but there doesn't seem to be an appropriate moment to do so). After the kids were put to bed the birthday boy snuck downstairs to join the party. I got to snuggle with him on the back deck while he had a snack and I thought, "I wish that this was my little boy, but he isn't."
I have thought many, many times that I think that it will be enough to be cool Auntie JellyBelly. I always feel like the most loved person in the room when I'm with my bf's kids. They have plenty of hugs and kisses and "I love yous." I always volunteer to help them get ready for bed and choose their pyjamas.
I'd like to believe that it's going to be enough.
I know that I can't think of what could've been if I wasn't infertile. It has become obvious to me that the life that I'm living and the path that I have chosen is what is meant to be, despite the fact that I completely disagree. I also know that one day I will look back at this time in my life and I will realize why I had to go through this experience.
I keep on repeating, "Your will be done, Your will be done" in my head whenever I start to feel down. My infertility is going to serve a purpose in my life, I know that it will.