20 May 2010

I surrender

I feel like I'm the Debbie Downer of all IF bloggers.

I'm done girls. It's been a long time since I've actually hit rock bottom, but I'm definitely there. Yet again.

I know that part of this is physical and emotional exhaustion. Sudden deaths of family members are never easy. I also know that it's almost the end of the school year (there are 28 teaching days left) and I'm wiped out, despite having a wonderful, (mostly) well-behaved class.

This afternoon on my way to my favourite yoga class I had yet another talk with God. I told him that I was finished, that I just wanted to know that I could stop trying and be done with this horrible, sad, painful part of my life and move on. I don't want to live my life in two week increments, taking drugs, giving myself needles and charting. I hate having to plan my life around doctor's appointments and blood draws. I hate having to schedule when I can be intimate with my husband.

I have struggled with the idea that perhaps I'm just not meant to be a mother. Perhaps, my true purpose is to just be a teacher and fulfill my life in other ways.

I'm in pain. I feel abandoned.

But I have to continue on and pretend that I don't have a hole in my soul that has yet to be filled.

Maybe I need a break or a lobotomy. Or both.

I'll start with a glass of wine and hope that tomorrow will be less sad day.

17 comments:

  1. Oh, JB. I am so sorry you are feeling this way right now.
    I've struggled with similar thoughts this week.
    I don't know what to say other than that you are not alone. He has not abandoned you and we are right here with you, encouraging you and lifting you up with our prayers.

    Eating chocolate helps me a bit. I can send you some!

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  2. :-( So sorry you are going through this. I wish I could say something to make it better. Please know I am thinking of you and praying for you and sending a big ol' blog-hug your way! In our darkest times, the Lord is near, even if we can't feel Him.

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  3. I wish I could say something to take away that pain. Thinking of you and hoping for your miracle to come your way.

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  4. My heart breaks with you. : (

    TS is right... God will never abandon you and neither will we!

    Prayers and hugs...

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  5. I actually think surrender is good, because sometimes He will lift us up when we simply can't.

    You have been through so much and it's no wonder you feel the way you do. There has been so much death and bad news lately, that in itself is enough to have you feeling down. Add IF to it and seeing a bunch of BFP's and it's hard not to wallow in our frustration, sadness and fears.

    "Lift your heart towards heaven" my friend, he will take over from there. xoxoxoxoxox

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  6. Praying for you. God loves you. I hope you find your answer soon. And (as one teacher to another - we are even close geographically) - it is so true that at this time of year we are run down and pressured. I hope you will get some good rest and that you will feel God's grace and leading.

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  7. I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. Praying for you.

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  8. I'm so sorry JB. I have no clue what adoption is like in Canada, but have you ever thought about that route? I know some people don't like to look into because they think of it as like they are giving up, but honestly, I see it as a way to parenthood while at the same time still figuring out fertility...Prayers!

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  9. I'm so sorry for your pain. I am praying.

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  10. hey jb,
    thinking of you and praying for you. (we're still hitting every church we can in our travels and I am praying hard, especially for you, that get a bit of a break mentally and emotionally.)
    You don't need to worry about being a "downer" - everyone goes through these ups and downs - and at the moment it's rough for you - don't make it any harder on yourself by thinking you should be feeling some other way -of course we all hope that you're feeing better very soon, but until then everyone understands.
    *hugs*
    hedwig

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  11. I'm so sorry. I understand and don't feel bad about the down posts. Everything has a season. I hope you are feeling better soon.

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  12. Girl, you need to get that adoption paperwork off your chair or table or wherever it is collecting dust and devote some good ol' time to it this weekend!!
    It will make you feel proactive and fruitful just beginning the process. You will no longer feel like your hands are tied behind your back.

    I am so sorry you are at the depths of sadness right now. I am praying hard for you, and I hope this feeling of total abandonment is just a preclusion of your Resurrection.

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  13. I'm sorry for your recent loss and for this period of sadness yet again in your life. Lifting you in prayer :)

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  14. don't feel bad about writing downer posts... that is what we are here for.

    prayers and hugs for you...

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  15. Oh honey :( I feel your pain and want to reach out to you and say it is okay. I really feel like it is going to be okay and that things are going to turn around. I don't know how or why I feel like that, but I just get this overwhelming feeling that things are going to go your way.

    Maybe that's God talking huh, I don't know, but I am praying for you xx

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  16. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way! But, you never know where the Lord is brining you, He has a plan for you, and you have to trust that this is part of His plan. Sending lots of prayers and *hugs*

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  17. Thinking of you and hoping for your miracle to come your way.
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