Happy Feast of the Visitation!

I participated in my first procession this evening! Mr. JB and I attended a K.nights of Co.lumbus organized mass to celebrate the Feast of the Visitation and after mass we processed around the church while praying the rosary (Mr. JB helped carry the statue of the Virgin Mother, I wished that I had a third hand so I could take a photo of the spectacle -- the fourth degree Knights, the statue of Mary, it was beautiful!).

I told my chiropractor that I have felt a psychological shift since my recent surrender -- I didn't give her the details, but she said that she felt that my lower back was so much better. She even said that things are "coming together" and that she's feeling more optimistic about our chances at conceiving.

My chiropractor has been such a big supporter of my quest to get pregnant. She has been treating me since 2003 when I got in to a minor accident that caused a lot of damage to my back and right shoulder. She hasn't asked a lot of questions about Napro, but she totally agrees with the way that I'm approaching my treatment for my IF.

I have been thinking more and more about returning to acupuncture, but this time with my naturopath. I have a really good rapport with her and I think that going to her, rather than the acupuncturist I used to go to will help further my healing process. I just wish that it wasn't so expensive (I know, I shouldn't complain, but I do have friends with health plans that cover it).

I'm also feeling more and more compelled to ask my Napro doc to test my thyroid. The more that I think about it, the more that I believe that it is the missing link in my treatment. I know that my GP completely balked at it, but as my instincts told me that there was something wrong with my ladyparts, I just know that there is something else.

I can't believe that tomorrow is the first of June. Where did the school year go? Unlike last year I'm a bit sad that the year is ending. I've had such a great year with my students and I'm so scared that next year is going to be nuts! In my previous experience every other year is crazy, so I'm bound to have a crazier year in the fall!

Again, I have to remind myself to trust and believe that it will be okay. I got through last year, despite the craziness of my students. If my class next year is crazy, I will get through that as well. I did have a thought today that I really hope that I get pg so I won't have to deal with a crazy class! Now that's a plan, isn't it?

After attending mass and the rosary tonight I'm feeling spiritually recharged enough to deal with the last weeks of school. Now I just need the sleep to catch up so I'm physically capable to make it to June 30th.

Don't worry, I'm not going to start counting sleeps just yet. I'll save that for after my report cards are done!

p.s. This was my 100th post for 2010! That seems like quite a bit of blogging in six months, doesn't it?

What could've been

Tonight we celebrated my fertile best friend's son's 4th birthday.

Yes, the best friend that has the newborn son and a 6 year old daughter.

When Mr. JB and I were engaged we planned that she would get pg after our wedding and then I would get pg in the fall. We wanted to spend our maternity leaves together (for those of you that don't know, we get a year off paid -- not our full wage but, it's still something). I loved it when she was on mat leave with her daughter. I spent so much time with them when I was off for the summer and since we had just bought a house around the corner from her family, we thought that we had it made.

My fertile bf has gone on to have three kids and I still have none.

I love her kids. I even held the baby tonight (I noticed that her sister-in-law didn't, she's been trying for a while and she had a miscarriage in December, I know I should reach out, but there doesn't seem to be an appropriate moment to do so). After the kids were put to bed the birthday boy snuck downstairs to join the party. I got to snuggle with him on the back deck while he had a snack and I thought, "I wish that this was my little boy, but he isn't."

I have thought many, many times that I think that it will be enough to be cool Auntie JellyBelly. I always feel like the most loved person in the room when I'm with my bf's kids. They have plenty of hugs and kisses and "I love yous." I always volunteer to help them get ready for bed and choose their pyjamas.

I'd like to believe that it's going to be enough.

I know that I can't think of what could've been if I wasn't infertile. It has become obvious to me that the life that I'm living and the path that I have chosen is what is meant to be, despite the fact that I completely disagree. I also know that one day I will look back at this time in my life and I will realize why I had to go through this experience.

I keep on repeating, "Your will be done, Your will be done" in my head whenever I start to feel down. My infertility is going to serve a purpose in my life, I know that it will.

Growing

When we got home from my father-in-law's house yesterday afternoon I looked out our living room window and I was suddenly in awe of how green everything is.

Winter is long and cold up here in Canada. Every year when it's unbearably gray and yucky I forget how lush things get in the springtime. Spring seemed to surprise me this year. Perhaps it was because I was in the depths of the feel-me-sorries, perhaps because it went from being comfortably cool to being HOT today, I'm not quite sure. But I do have to say that looking at our sod taking root and being so beautiful (it's like having a lush carpet outside, our grass has NEVER looked this good, God bless whoever invented sod) and seeing my plants grow is making me happy.

I was never really interested in gardening. One of my friends landscaped our postage stamp sized backyard for a wedding present and it wasn't until last year that I actually started enjoying working in the dirt. Growing my own lettuce (this year I have five different varieties!) and herbs definitely has a pay off. There's nothing like making homemade pesto!

I'm lucky that things are starting to sprout as I'm starting to feel better. I guess my revelation and surrendering my fertility over to the Lord coincided with the perfect time.

I know that I will go through a low point again. It's inevitable in a struggle, there are peaks and valleys. I'm so lucky that I have such a wonderful support group here to lift me up when I need it. Thank you all for your prayers.

I really hope that this is a turning point for me, or at least a step in an upward direction.

Approaching it the wrong way

Mr. JB and I attended mass with his dad for the first time in a LONG time. Usually when we're visiting Mr. JB's home town his brother is in town and he says mass for us at home (can I tell you how much I love not having to get out of my pj's on a Sunday morning!!!).

Anyhow the church was packed of families with little children. The new pastor is really great and it was wonderful to see the little country church full for a change. We were sitting in the regular family pew (front left hand side, third pew from the front) in direct view of a painting of Jesus that had, "Jesus I trust in you" written at the bottom. Then I had a thought. I don't know if it was a huge revelation, but after the tough week I've had, it was pretty big to me.

I've been approaching my prayers to God in the wrong way. I've been imploring God for a baby, a sign that everything will be okay, for peace. Totally the prayers of a type-A Catholic. I'm asking for what I want, not for His will to be done upon me. Honestly, who am I to tell God what I want???

So this is the prayer that came to my head while I was in church, "Lord, let Your will be done upon me."

That simple.

I spent the rest of mass praying that I can be accepting of God's plan for me, regardless of what it is. I've been grasping at my heart's desire and it has gotten me stuck in a sad rut. I guess hitting rock bottom this past week has shown me that I have to surrender and trust.

So there it is girls. I'm going to try praying this way and we'll see how it goes.

Jesus I trust in you.

I am a geek

I finally got an i.Phone.

It took visiting two stores (the first one, our cell phone company's store tried to charge us $500 for the phone because we have a corporate account, the second one was in the mall and I got the phone for the same price that everyone else pays!) and about an hour wait to get everything set up (Mr. JB also got a new phone as well).

It's safe to say I haven't had a lot of time to think of my empty uterus since I got the thing!

I'm planning to get a lot of rest this weekend. We have a holiday on Monday thanks to Queen Victoria and it's the unofficial kick off to summer. Mr. JB and I are heading to hang out with his dad this weekend so there will be a lot of doing nothing. The only thing that I want to do is practice driving the new car on hills. I practiced on my own on Thursday and I could barely get out of our church parking lot because of the tiny incline!

I want to thank all of you for all of your encouragement and prayers. I truly did feel lifted up by all of you. I know that in almost five (long) years of IF that reaching rock bottom is something that happens. It was an exceptionally sad week and being physically exhausted never helps one's mental state.

Inevitably I will find hope again and hopefully the energy to fill out the adoption paperwork. As for now, I'm going to take it easy this weekend and play with my new toy (and perhaps help Mr. JB figure out this as well!).

Baby steps, right?

Now that's an interesting sentence, isn't it?

I surrender

I feel like I'm the Debbie Downer of all IF bloggers.

I'm done girls. It's been a long time since I've actually hit rock bottom, but I'm definitely there. Yet again.

I know that part of this is physical and emotional exhaustion. Sudden deaths of family members are never easy. I also know that it's almost the end of the school year (there are 28 teaching days left) and I'm wiped out, despite having a wonderful, (mostly) well-behaved class.

This afternoon on my way to my favourite yoga class I had yet another talk with God. I told him that I was finished, that I just wanted to know that I could stop trying and be done with this horrible, sad, painful part of my life and move on. I don't want to live my life in two week increments, taking drugs, giving myself needles and charting. I hate having to plan my life around doctor's appointments and blood draws. I hate having to schedule when I can be intimate with my husband.

I have struggled with the idea that perhaps I'm just not meant to be a mother. Perhaps, my true purpose is to just be a teacher and fulfill my life in other ways.

I'm in pain. I feel abandoned.

But I have to continue on and pretend that I don't have a hole in my soul that has yet to be filled.

Maybe I need a break or a lobotomy. Or both.

I'll start with a glass of wine and hope that tomorrow will be less sad day.

Slogging Through

I'm having a tough morning.

The visitation last night was tough. Not only did Mr. JB's cousin's husband NOT look like himself AT ALL in the coffin, but it was an incredibly tearful event. It was the first night of visitation so there weren't too many people so we got to visit with the family that was there and it was hard not to get emotional. 

The one thing that keeps resonating in my mind is Mr. JB's cousin saying, "I wish that God would stop picking on my family."

It's easy to sympathize with her. Not only did her husband suddenly drop dead (he was doing some work around their new house and he went to lie down, he fell off of the couch and she tried to revive him with CPR, he pretty much died on the spot), but she has suffered with cancer for a few years (it was pretty shocking to see her, part of her jaw had to be removed and her face doesn't look the same at all). Thankfully her sister is now in remission (from the scar I could tell she had thyroid cancer), but her sister-in-law has cancer as well. Did I mention that her grandfather dropped dead at 55? 

Another thing that I can't get out of my head is their son. He looked completely lost last night. Before the visitation started they let little S see his dad and he screamed and wailed so loudly that they had to shut the doors to the room. I can't even imagine what kind of grief that he's going through.

I know that time will help heal this family and that there are many people praying for them (I'm also secretly hoping that this even will bring them back to the church, but I'm not counting on it). 

Perhaps I'm just tired and hormonal (or lacking hormones!). It was quite a bit of driving last night after a long day of teaching. By the time we got home it was 10:30pm and I'm usually already in bed at that time! I had to drag myself out of bed at 6:50am!

In cycle news: I started the triple dose of F.emara. Hopefully with the proper dose of HCG we'll have a much better cycle 6. I'm sure that Dr. T is going to be quite surprised when she sees that my hormones were so low this cycle! Without the HCG my luteal phase was only 12 days long! With HCG it's usually 15! 

I better get back to work. Hopefully keeping busy will take my mind off of all this sadness. 

Hopefully bad things DON'T come in threes

I'm here to ask for prayers again.

Mr. JB's cousin's husband dropped dead on Sunday afternoon. It is the saddest story. Mr. JB's cousin Ch has suffered with cancer for the past few years. She has even lost her jaw because of it. Thankfully she's in remission. Mr. JB's cousin and her family moved back to be closer to family (they used to live in the same suburb as us), particularly her husband's mother. They hadn't even been in their new house for two weeks. 

The only thing we know is that D, who was only 48, walked into the house and dropped dead. He wasn't ill, as far as we know. He left his wife and a 7 year old little boy.

Mr. JB checked out D's FB page and his wife wrote the saddest thing. She said, "You were never supposed to be the one that left."

My heart aches for this young family.

To top it off Ch's sister and sister-in-law are both suffering with cancer. 

If you have a moment today please say a prayer. We can't go to the funeral on Friday since I have a meeting that I can't miss and it's also just before a long weekend, but we're going to make the long trek to the visitation after school. I really wish that we didn't have to see Mr. JB's relatives so soon after his uncle's memorial service.

This really puts CD2 into perspective, doesn't it?

CD1

No miracles this month.

I guess we can reset after the (lack of) HCG debacle.

When I get back from yoga I'm going to have a glass of wine THE SIZE OF MY HEAD (and my head is pretty big, if you catch my drift).

Cycle six, here we come.

The Ignorance of (Some) Doctors

I just got back from seeing my GP.

I have to see her every three months because she doesn't do prescription repeats over the phone. Although I've been on the same asthma meds for over nine years she will only give me a three month supply every time I see her. I'm sure it has to do with getting paid through the provincial health care system, but it really is a pain in the a$$.

Anyhow, she asked me about the "fertility clinic" I go to and about what our next steps were. I've explained to her what Napro is, but she doesn't seem to understand that it's ONE doctor who is also a GP who also takes IF patients. But I digress.

I mentioned that I wanted to get my thyroid and vitamin D levels checked and then she went on an ignorant diatribe about how there isn't any clinical reason to test me. I told her about my consistently low estrogen and progesterone levels and she just brushed me off. She said that because my weight has been stable and that my energy levels are good AND because there was no family history she thought that it would be a waste of time and money. What I wanted to say was, "Sew got her thyroid fixed and now she has a baby growing inside of her!!!!" But I didn't.

It took every ounce of my being not to yell at her.

I could've brought up the fact that she ignored my symptoms of endo for YEARS and that if I listened to her about my crazy bleeding and pain issues that I would still be on the pill.

But I didn't.

I also got a lecture about how taking too much vitamin D was a bad thing. Apparently there's a ton of research that my Napro practitioner has told me about regarding a deficiency of vitamin D and low hormone levels. She also wouldn't test me to see what my vitamin D levels are.

Can I tell you how thankful I am for my Napro doc, Dr. T? I'm sure that she is going to be much more receptive when I ask her to get my thyroid tested. I won't get a lecture and I'm sure that we will have a good discussion about it. I see her on June 17th and that appointment can't come any sooner.

I know that I have to continue seeing my ignorant GP, I just have to remember to focus on what she helps treat: my asthma. I have other doctors (including my gastroenterologist) who are so much more open to new trains of thought. My GI was so happy to learn about how much going gluten-free helped me! I'm almost certain that she's mentioned it to her other patients!

I wish that it was easier to find a GP in my province. I know that if I were to leave this doctor that I would be hard pressed to find another. I just have to remember to not tell her anything when she asks.

Argh.

Home

I have never been so happy to be home on my couch.

Well, maybe not as happy as I was when I was discharged after the abscess incident, but I'm pretty tickled, nonetheless.

No one asked if I finished the entire bowel prep (I didn't there were two glasses and a bit still left in the bottle, but I was throwing up so badly that I just couldn't). I woke up at 5:30 to take the bottle of citro.mag and by the time I got to the hospital at 8:30 I was running clear.

This colonoscopy was much more pleasant than the last one I had. I was pretty sick when I was scoped the last time and I was so physically miserable that I felt like I was close to death. This morning was a different story. Aside from having to go to the bathroom more than usual, I was in pretty good spirits.

When I was wheeled into the room where the scope was to be done I was pretty relaxed and the most painful thing was getting the IV started. I asked the nurse if I was going to be asleep, but she didn't think I was going to be. I got to keep my glasses on which was cool since I got to watch the entire thing!

I know, pretty gross, but cool at the same time.

I have gotten a look at my insides before (and then I fell asleep), but this time it was so different! Everything looked healthy and not red and inflamed. My doctor was pretty happy. She did remove some polyps to test and she told me that I would have some bleeding, but not to worry. The entire procedure took about 15 minutes. I have to follow up with her in a couple of weeks.

Mr. JB went out to get me a treat at the 'bucks and some Pad Thai. He's getting some Mc.D's for himself and he promised to get me some fries (one of my biggest weaknesses in life are Mc.D's french fries!!).

Thank you for all of your prayers and support. It was a pretty miserable night last night, but now that it's over I'm so relieved. I just hope that gastroenterologist has some good news for me!!!

Done

Or mostly.

There's about two glasses left in the bottle of bowel prep, but I've been throwing up every time I drink it so I've decided to stop. Things have been clear for over two hours, if you know what I mean.

Mr. JB called our pharmacist as well as the free health advice line and they both said to try my best, and although I haven't finished it all, I have.

The way I look at it, a four litre bottle for a someone that is just over five feet tall is way too much. Mr. JB's dad who is a foot taller than I am and he has to drink the same amount! His uncle who is almost double my weight drank the same amount!

I have to get up at 5:30am to take a bottle of citro.mag to finish off the job.

I can't take any more vomiting.

I've done a lot of praying though, especially for those of you that are still waiting to get pg or adopt. I'm going to continue praying through the discomfort, so I'm sure that there will be A LOT more prayers to come!

The dreaded bowel prep *Update: The prep has started

No, I'm not having another surgery, but I am having a colonscopy tomorrow morning.

Just the thought of not being able to eat is making me sad. I had to pause from my breakfast of green tea and J.ello to complain about it.

I know that I should be thinking about the positive side of this procedure. My gastroenterologist wants to see if my colon is healthy enough to stop my colitis meds. Six years ago I didn't think that it would be possible. I was so sick I could barely eat and then I was put on steroids that puffed my face up like a balloon. It was a two year battle to figure out what meds to give me because of all of my allergies.

And now this could be the beginning of the end.

Three less pills to take a day would be phenomenal. And I'm sure that my insurance would love having to pay $52 less a month!

I start taking the laxative at about 6pm tonight. I will offer up all of the pain and discomfort for all of my IF friends, especially the ones waiting to get pregnant or adopt (or both!).

If you get a chance could you say a prayer or send positive thoughts my way?

p.s. Poor Mr. JB removed ALL of our grass yesterday and he's going to put down new sod today. I'm not going to be much of a help since I won't have much energy eating my bowel-prep diet. He's going to need a prayer or two as well!

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Update: I just started drinking dreaded bowel prep. I took one drink (through a bendy straw, for some reason it's easier to take through a straw) and I almost threw up. It's going to be a LONG and painful night.

Out of the mouths of babes

This afternoon during my Religion lesson I read from a book of saints. My class, bless their hearts, have turned into quite the little Catholics. They LOVE praying the rosary (and they make up most of my rosary club) and last week we made paper Mary statues and when they were done most of them knelt in front of their statue to pray!!! I wanted my principal to walk in to see them, but he didn't!

I read St. Ann's story to the kiddies and one of the little boys said, "She's just like you Madame! She's praying for a baby too!"

It's been a frequent question in the past couple of weeks. A couple of kids have asked me if I had babies and one day I said, "Yes, I have 21!" It took them a little while to understand what I meant and I had to point to the line my class was making in order to get them to understand. When the same little boy asked me again I said, "I have to pray to God to send me baby because he hasn't yet."

Now after the HCG debacle this morning I was feeling particularly fragile. This little kid, in his innocent wisdom reminded me about the power of prayer. St. Ann prayed and God sent her Virgin Mary! Now I don't think that I'm going to give birth to the second coming, but who knows what my kid is going to be capable of!!!

This little boy reminded me why I love teaching grade one and he also reminded me that even though things seem pretty dire in the fertility department, there's hope somewhere.

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Mr. JB felt so bad that he brought me a beautiful bouquet of daisies as well as two tasty gluten-free desserts. I didn't really expect it, but it definitely brightened my afternoon! It was quite the learning experience that I really hope never to repeat!!!

HELP!!! * Updated

I made a bad discovery this morning.

I was tidying up for the cleaning lady (yes, we are those people) and I found an unused box of HCG on the kitchen counter.

I asked Mr. JB what he mixed up for my needles and he said that there was another box.

There wasn't another box. It was the box from last month.

He says that it did fizz up like it does when you mix the liquid with the powder, but when I looked at the box it was definitely the box from last month.

I've been injecting myself with basically nothing.

It's Peak + 11 today and it's supposed to be my last needle. Is there anything I can do? Mr. JB asked if we should mix up the HCG from this month and do a needle with the proper dosage. I also have some progesterone suppositories from when my period re-started.

Can we salvage this cycle or is it just a bust?

Help all you Napro girls. I feel like I'm going to cry.

---------------------------

Update: I spoke to my Napro practitioner and she said that we shouldn't bother mixing up the proper dosage of HCG. She thinks that it would be an interesting experiment to see what sort of hormones my body was producing on Peak +7. 

It sucks, but I'm hoping for a miracle.

Driving Stick

I drove home in Mr. JB's new car.

Yes, the manual transmission vehicle that I've only driven twice before.

And we were far from home -- in the north part of our suburb and it was more than a half hour drive in the rain.

We went out to eat after my cousin's Confirmation (Mr. JB was her sponsor, woohoo!) and I told him that I wanted to drive partway home. I kept on asking him if he wanted to pull over, but he told me to keep on going. I ground the gears once and I stalled when I tried to drive into our driveway! I was so worried that I would crash into our garage door (which would've sucked!).

Anyhow, Mr. JB told me more than once that I was being too hard on myself. I kept on panicking and apologizing needlessly that he was getting annoyed. He was pretty impressed that I was doing so well after only having driven standard two times before.

Which brings me to a little revelation.

Yesterday was a bad, bad day. I'm not saying that I'm feeling more optimistic in the TTC department, but I'm being too hard on myself. Five cycles is nothing (I can't imagine getting to 18 cycles at this point, but we're taking baby steps here).

I have to lay off the pressure that I put on myself. I can't help it. I'm a type A go-getter that has been successful at pretty much everything I've done, with the exception of having a baby.

Let's see if I can take my own advice.

I know that I'm going to get better at driving the new car. I just have to start believing that motherhood is a possibility.

Let's see how long that takes.

When to throw in the towel

Okay girls, I'm having a low moment.

I was changing after school and the thought popped into my head: How much more of this can I take?

We've been doing Napro since April 2008. I had my first surgery April 2009 and my second on August 2009. We've been officially trying since December 2009.

I'm tired. I'm fed up. I'm used to being IF. I can barely imagine being pg.

It will be five years of trying in July.

Five years of disappointment. Five years of feeling sad. Five years of not having the one thing that I have wished for.

Before my surgeries I wished that the doctor would tell me that I couldn't have children so I could shut this horrible chapter in my life. I wanted closure, rather than continued disappointment.

How much longer can I do this without losing my mind?

Coping Mechanisms

In order to survive yet another Mother's day, I came up with some so-so creative ways to cope with the looming sadness.

So here's my list:

1) Mr. JB and I ushered at our mass. I didn't have to worry too much about the Mother's blessing since I was standing at the back handing out bulletins to the people who were leaving early (What is up with that???).

2) We bought some new floor mats for the new car. I also got some wipes so I can compulsively clean the black interior that shows every speck of dust! Mr. JB thinks that I'm nuts, but I'm not getting a new vehicle until this one is paid off (which means FIVE MORE YEARS), so it's going to be spotless.

3) I got a S.tarbucks treat. I usually only go once a week since I don't want to go bankrupt. It was tasty. If I ever win the lottery I would have a 'bucks built in my house so I could have one whenever I want.

4) I took a two hour nap after watching last night's S.NL with Betty White (it was on the PVR, I can never stay up to see it all live!). It was hilarious, btw! It surprises me that I can sleep so long after getting a full night's sleep -- yes, I'm going to have my thyroid checked.

5) I went to TWO yoga classes. It was awesome and Mother's Day was barely mentioned.

6) I practiced driving standard in Mr. JB's new car. After we ate dinner at my parents' house my dad and I went around the neighbourhood. He's not the most patient teacher, but I didn't do too badly and I actually drove around their subdivision. I did stall the car a couple of times, but I made it to fourth gear once! I told Mr. JB that I'm going to take the car for a spin by myself next weekend. We'll see how that goes.

7) I'm eating really tasty almond brittle. It's almost as good as chocolate and I'm thoroughly enjoying it.

Mr. JB promised, yet again, that I will be a mother by next Mother's Day. I wish that I could believe him with my whole heart. It was also a tough day for him as well. Mr. JB lost his mother 20 years ago and although he said that he didn't miss her more, it still hurts.

I'm so glad that when I wake up tomorrow that it won't be today any more.

p.s. I'm so glad that "big fat donkey balls" was so amusing to so many. For some strange reason I think of donkey's gonads when I'm really upset. I know, I'm strange.

Mother's Day Eve

Being infertile Mother's Day weekend sucks.

Big fat donkey balls.

I'm going to have some wine. One of the few perks of being barren.

Yay!

[insert sarcastic cheering here and perhaps some slow clapping]

A Quickie

It's late and I'm wiped.

Mr. JB picked up the new wheels today and it's so cute! I can't wait to learn how to drive stick shift so I can take it out for a spin! He has promised to take me out this weekend, so we'll have to see if we don't kill one another while he teaches me!

Little JP was at school today. His mom came in to speak to the principal and VP. Apparently she's went to court today to get some legal paperwork about custody. JP's dad showed up at the end of the day yesterday looking for him, but he had gone home early. I really hope that he's at school tomorrow since it's his 7th birthday. He was so excited today about his birthday! It broke my heart to think what he was going home to after school.

In cycle news, I still had good quality CM (I had 10KL and 10CKL today). Mr. JB and I trying a new experiment with this cycle. We were bd'ing every other day, but this month we decided to try every day that I saw fertile CM. He's pretty happy about it, I do have to admit!

I'm trying my best to stay hopeful amid all of this good baby news. I have to admit that it's been tough for me despite being thrilled for Sew and Jeremiah. It's tough having the green-eyed monster of jealousy on one's shoulder. Their miracles are proof that there is a plan for all of us and that we just have to trust.

Trust and surrender and believe.

I will have my miracle one day. I just have to be patient.

Prayers needed

I'm sorry to be Debbie Downer after Sew's fantastic news today, but I need my prayer warriors, big time.

This morning my class and my teaching partner's class was practicing in the gym for a performance on Friday. The school secretary came into the gym (which is really strange since she NEVER leaves her desk!) to tell me that one of my students wasn't allowed to go outside for lunch recess (which is 40 minutes).

Apparently this little guy's mom called from the police station and she was worried that someone (I'm assuming JP's dad) would take him from the school yard. The secretary wasn't sure what happened, but it seemed pretty serious and we assumed that it was a domestic violence issue. I was told to send JP to the office with a buddy for recess so he wouldn't be lonely. I was to tell him that his mother was going to pick him up for an appointment, but she wasn't sure when.

During lunch the principal asked me if I would be working in my classroom (which I was planning to do anyway) and if I could keep JP with me. Thankfully I had some stuff to tidy up and take down so he helped me with that. After lunch the secretary called to say this JP's mom was there to pick him up and that he wouldn't be back for the rest of the week. The secretary told me that JP and his mom were going to stay with friends in a nearby city and that she would be by Thursday morning to get more homework.

I'm pretty concerned since there are also three older children that are in high school. I have no idea what is happening with the other kids, but I'm hoping that JP and his mom are safe.

This is yet another part of teaching that I can't stand. JP is a lovely little boy and he's so incredibly sweet and helpful. He's also a pretty quiet kid and not very smiley. Only recently has he started to smile more and joke around in class. My heart bleeds for him, his siblings and his mom. I've never met dad (which isn't uncommon), but he just finished helping JP finish his social studies project on "Community Helpers." JP chose a builder because that's what his dad does for a living.

Please pray for them when you get the chance.

May Blahs Already?

I wish that I could feel more hopeful.

Perhaps it's because we had a pretty sombre weekend. Attending a memorial service for a family member is never a fun occasion. I don't know why I didn't expect Mr. JB's uncle's memorial to not be sad. I know that I have a low tolerance for any sort of negative emotion and I think that I shut off feeling sad. I found myself tearing up more than once while the eulogies were being said. Mr. JB's uncle was ill for most of the time that I knew him and his last few months were very difficult. I wish that I knew the funny, vibrant man that was described more than once.

It also doesn't help that one of the dads from my class (who is a high school teacher) gave me a hard time on Friday. His daughter has a problem with wetting herself and he said that I have too many constraints in my class. The rule is that the kids can't ask to go to the washroom while I'm teaching (which is the same in all the other classes in the school, I'm sure). My lessons don't take more than ten or fifteen minutes (it is grade one after all) and I'm not going to re-teach a lesson for one kid. Anyhow, she had another accident a couple of weeks ago TEN MINUTES after most of the class went the washroom. It was after lunch and it was a warm day so I let all the kids that asked go to the washroom. This kid didn't ask, so she didn't go. If she had asked I would've let her go. I didn't know that she peed herself until the kids got up from the floor to go back to their desks.

So this dad said that he doesn't know why his daughter is so reluctant to ask to go to the washroom. He made a snide comment about his daughter not being comfortable with me and that's why she pees herself. I reminded him that I didn't NOT let his daughter go to the washroom, she just didn't ask. He also said that he lets his students go to the washroom whenever they want. Being a high school teacher he has no idea. His classes last 75 minutes and he teaches ONE subject. I have to juggle every subject and I have about 40 minutes to teach everything PLUS I have to fit in snacks, recess, lunch and time to do work.

Anyhow, I was pretty upset since I don't think that I'm scarring his child (he basically said that I was). I told my principal about what happened and he said that I'm not to meet with this dad every again. He saw how upset I was and he also knows that this particular father is high maintenance. Regardless, it upsets me that this dad thinks that I don't have his daughter's best interest at heart. I did speak to the girl at the end of the day and I reminded her that if she really has to go to the washroom that she can just go (the rest of the class knows this rule, I don't know why I have to remind her).

Mr. JB and his brother are both having issues at work that are much more serious than mine. Please pray for my BIL. He's in charge at his school for the next little while and there are some serious issues that he has to deal with that I can't write about here. Needless to say, he said that this coming week will be one of the most difficult of his career.

In cycle news, I started to see some great quality CM yesterday (10KL woohoo!). I wish that I didn't feel the pressure at this point in my cycle, but I do. It also doesn't help that the hockey playoffs are going on and Mr. JB's team is still playing. I know that I have to relax since being all stressed out isn't going to help anyone!

p.s. I went to the C.oach outlet yesterday to get my mom her Mother's Day present and I got a little something for myself as well. I figure that Mr. JB got a new car, so I deserved to get a treat!