Riveted

So I thought that I would be productive this evening. We had our staff party and it finished up pretty early. I wanted to rush home because my brother-in-law is arriving tonight and my house is an absolute disaster. But instead of dusting and tidying up I turned on the TV to see the news that Michael Jackson has passed away.

Like many of you, I'm sure, I owned T.hriller. I had the red polyester jacket with the strange flappy things on the shoulders. I remember watching his music videos in secret (I wasn't allowed to watch music videos as a kid because my dad said that, "Music is for listening, not watching."). But in the recent past I relegated him in the crazy file of celebrities that I used to like. He seldom crossed my radar, although when I visited Monaco a few years ago there were a bunch of crazy fans that were camped out what supposedly was his hotel room. My girlfriend and I both rolled our eyes and continued our visit.

I'm sad, which really shocks me. It could be drug related -- I have not been in control of my emotions at all since the L.upron has kicked in. At my staff party this evening I had to fight back tears at the strangest times. Honestly, who gets teary when the custodian gets his end of the year gift?

Apparently me.

So I have one more sleep to go. I got quite a bit done today, despite the craziness of my class. I have been trying to keep them to their routine as best I can, but I just have no more energy to make stuff up to do! It's also tough to tidy up while they're all underfoot! My classroom is going to be used for summer school and I have to get everything put away before July 6th. I also want to get some stuff ready for the first week of school, but I'm thinking that I won't get to it. I've already decided to go in next week to finish up room. Not only will I be able to wear a tank top and shorts, there won't be any kids to distract me!!!

The thermostat people didn't call today. I'm trying my best to keep cool with one little oscillating fan. I am so glad that I cut my hair short! I don't know what I would do if I still had long hair in this weather! I can totally understand why my mother completely changed personalities when she started menopause! These hot flashes and lack of estrogen have caused me to be completely crazy and unbalanced! Now that I've had a taste of my post-period life I would almost choose having the crazy cramps that endo brings.

Or maybe not.

I'm going to find some ice packs. Maybe that'll keep me cool.

Stupid hot flashes.

My hot flashes are going to kill me

Two more sleeps.

Hot, sticky sleeps as well.

We tried to turn on our a/c tonight and it wouldn't fire up.

Craptastic.

We figure that after our furnace debacle in the fall that the furnace people didn't hook up our thermostat properly. I'm praying that a new thermostat will fix our problem because the taps are running dry in the money department! I'm very happy that our basement is almost done, but I'm not looking forward to having an empty savings account!

I'm so warm that my brain isn't working properly. I was trying to clean up my classroom and my brain just stopped working. I had a pile of papers on my desk and I wanted to sort through everything, but I kept on having to stop because I couldn't think clearly. I usually get the end of the year dum dums, but this year is particularly bad.

Stupid L.upron.

Also b^&%chy JellyBelly is out in full force. I have no patience with anyone, especially Mr. JB. Usually his constant joking is funny, today I just feel like punching him in the face.

I need summer vacation to start pronto.

Either that or a padded cell until August 4th.

Three

A level two Ashtanga class plus hot flashes are not a good mix (I was so sweaty that my hands were slipping off of my mat!). Neither is a non-air conditioned classroom with sweaty little kids with a teacher that is sweating uncontrollably (it made reading Pinocchio very difficult!).

Have I mentioned that before L.upron-induced menopause that I was always cold?

Thank God I brought home a fan so I can sleep in my hot house.

My biggest consolation is that now that the hot flashes started I am imagining that the endo is shrinking.

That is what is happening, right?

Three more sleeps. Will this get any better when school is out????

Four

More sleeps, that is.

I just got in from attending my old school's grade eight graduation. I attending with many mixed emotions. As most of you remember, leaving my last school was difficult. The class that graduated this evening was an incredible bunch of children. I had fun teaching them and they genuinely enjoyed learning.

When I walked into the parish hall this evening the kids ran to the doorway to greet me. I felt like a rock star! I felt so appreciated and loved (and many of the kids and their parents told me as well) which was great. One of the moms even told me that she wanted me back and that things just weren't the same without me.

Honestly, melt my heart!

Our basement is almost done. Our contractors finished up the painting today and we are awaiting the installation of our carpet at the end of the week. It looks incredible!!!! When I did laundry this past weekend I was overjoyed at the fact that I had a beautiful new laundry room. Now I get to go on a search for shelving and one couch (I.kea here we come!!!).

The temperature was positively boiling here today. It was 30C according to my car's thermostat. We can't turn on our A/C until we give the house a thorough cleaning because it's so darn dusty! It seems like the hotter the weather is, the more frequent my hot flashes are happening!

Five more weeks until surgery. Oh God, it can't come any sooner!

Five

As in five more sleeps until school is out.

Thank God!

The next week is the best and the worst time of year for a teacher. I can't wait until summer vacation and I'm out of energy. Making up stuff for my class to do is getting more and more difficult. I wish I could just be on auto-pilot, but it's tough with the little kids.

I'm attending the grade eight graduation of my former students at my old school. I haven't had the chance to visit them all year and I'm looking forward to seeing them. We're opening up a time capsule that we made when they were in grade five (and I was finding things for them to do!). Apparently they're really excited, as am I.

The hot flashes are getting worse. It also doesn't help that it's quite warm here. It got up to 28C according to my car's thermostat. We can't turn on our A/C until all of the construction is done downstairs. The house is still full of dust and I really don't want it to blow all around. I promised Mr. JB that we're going to get a ceiling fan when we get paid on Thursday. I think I may also bring home one of the fans from my classroom so we don't feel like we're going to overheat.

Oh yeah, the L.upron is turning me into an outrageous b&$^h. I've been apologizing like crazy to Mr. JB and I'm sure that my class is wondering what happened to their nice teacher.

Oh God, I hope that Friday comes quickly.

Prayers please!

I wouldn't normally ask for prayers for a field trip, but I definitely think that I'm going to need some tomorrow. I'm taking my crazy class to a farm tomorrow! We've only been on one field trip and it was to watch a concert. They were easy to handle in a contained space, but tomorrow they're going to have a lot of space to move and get lost!

I also need prayers because I don't know how much more patience I have for my crazy teaching partner. I sat through her going on and on about how she basically bosses the principal around (not true, he's not the type of guy that gets pushed around by anyone) and how great of a teacher she is. I know that she must have some serious self-esteem issues if she has to hear herself talk about how great she is, but it is so hard to take, especially when I hear her yelling at her class all the time. I almost cried when I split up my class for next year. She's moving up to grade two and half of my students are going to her. Those poor kiddies are going to get really freaked out when she yells at them on a daily basis. I've mentioned before, I'm not a yeller. I know that kids don't respond to yelling. Yelling to them means that they get to be louder. My teaching partner doesn't realize that.

She also rings an old fashioned teacher's bell (like the one that my elementary school teacher used to ring outside at the end of recess) in her classroom to get the kid's attention. Their poor ears!

Only six more teaching days left. I'm barely holding it together. The hot flashes are getting worse and I'm not exactly emotionally stable. I started to cry last night because Mr. JB was going to listen to the i.P.od while I was watching something on the F.ood N.etwork!

Thank God our basement is almost done and I can put my house back together.

Gotta go, I'm feeling a wave of heat overtake me. I need an icepack. Fast!

Argh!!!!

Am I crazy?????

I had the craziest weekend. After the insensitive mother incident that I posted about Saturday we continued to have a jam packed schedule. We went to dinner with friends in the city and then attended a birthday party for another. We had great fun. Food and company were great. I was feeling a little anxious because the friends that we went out with are expecting their first child in September (and yes, they were married TWO years after us), but it was okay. 

Yesterday, Mr. JB and I rowed in a dragonboat festival that is run through a canoe club in our neighbourhood. We didn't do very well (the past two years my team has won medals), but our team had the second highest amount of pledges. All of the funds that we raise go to a local hospital's breast cancer research facility. I am not a very good loser and I'm glad that I participate in only one team sport a year!

And to top it off we had to attend a baptism dinner last night. Honestly, I'm relieved to be at work because at least it isn't as hectic (now that my reports are done, that is). 

So the baptism was for Mr. JB's cousin's second son. We were a bit stressed out because we knew that the baptism conflicted with the race. His aunt's family is, let's say, a bit high maintenance. They're the kind of family that has set very high expectations for their relatives. Mr. JB cannot wear jeans when he goes to his aunt's house (which I think is ridiculous) and it seems like everything is a big production. 

So here is my issue: The last two times we have visited his cousin's house I have not been able to eat the meal that was being served. Most of you know that I have a lot of allergies, and my allergy to eggs is a fatal one (I carry an e.pi pen in my purse at all times). Last night they served homemade burgers (made with eggs) and I had to eat hot dogs. No bun, of course because they didn't have any! To top it off Mr. JB's cousin didn't even apologize to me. His wife said something to Mr. JB, but even when I sat across from her eating my pathetic hot dog she didn't say a thing.

I've had an issue with Mr. JB's cousins before, especially his wife. She's the type of woman that would look every person up and down with the intent of critiquing every part of their outfit. We really don't have much in common, but I know when they are invited to my house they can eat the meal that is being served. 

Their ridiculous excuse was that they weren't sure that we were coming -- pretty ridiculous since Mr. JB had called his cousin that we would be showing up after the regatta. He also called his cousin's younger brother earlier in the day to tell him the same thing. 

I totally believe that they have some strange issue with me, or perhaps us. I've missed a couple of parties at their house because everyone has babies and I just couldn't handle it. Mr. JB explained the situation to them and they seemed sympathetic. I am so livid that I want to cancel the cheque that we gave their son for his baptism! Don't worry, I won't do that.

Mr. JB called his younger cousin (who is also his best friend) to tell him how upset I am. It's the best way to deal with it, according to him.

Honestly, the next time I go over there I'm going to have to bring my own food!

Am I crazy? Is his cousin being totally insensitive? Is it the L.upron talking? 

Oh yeah, I also hurt my back yesterday. 

It really doesn't get any better, does it?

Yet another example of why I wish I was a hatchling

Dear God in heaven please help me.

We just got back from my uncle's 65th birthday lunch. Of course my crazy parents were there. My mom was all excited because some old friends were in attendance. My insensitive mother in her attempt to make conversation said:

"Oh JB ask her how many grandchildren she has!"

To which I responded, "Well mother perhaps you should've had more children if you wanted to so many grandchildren."

I know, quite bitchy of me, but honestly how insensitive is she???? Her infertile, only daughter who has stage IV endo and is awaiting a pretty intense surgery. She knows how much we want to have children and she makes a crack like that!

Oh yeah, I also had my first hot flash this morning during yoga class. I thought that I was just getting warm from exertion, but alas I was mistaken. I think I've had two more since. It wasn't as bad as I imagined, but I am wearing shorts and a t-shirt.

I need a drink.

Fast.

(Wo)man down!

I really shouldn't be looking at a computer screen right now.

I woke up with the startings of a migraine. I have no idea how I dragged myself to work (well I did start to cry because the pain was so bad and I was delayed about 15 minutes). I got to my classroom, almost threw up in my sink and then called the secretary. Then I wrote some stuff down for the supply teacher then I made it home.

I slept for almost three hours and I woke up starving for M.cD.onald's fries.

Lucky for me Mr. JB took the day off to finish his report cards and he's been taking really good care of me.

WTF??? What is wrong with me? I'm done my reports and I felt fine last night.

Will having all of this stupid endo removed make my headaches better?

I'm going back to bed.

Nothing much to report

I'd much rather be watching the Eiffel Tower, but instead I'm watching my one of my favourite movies, A.melie and trying to come up with enough gumption to get to my report cards. Part of me just wants to make up the marks, but I have a ton of stuff to mark and I think that I should at least try to mark the stuff to see if my guesses are right. In almost eight years of writing report cards I'm seldom wrong.

I've spent most of the weekend procrastinating. I spent most of yesterday dealing with laundry and the ramifications of a leaking pipe underneath in the laundry room (I fixed it Sew, all by myself!). I didn't get to work on my reports until 9pm!

After mass today I went on a search for brackets for my red leaf lettuce planters. I had to go to three different stores until I found them! I had no idea that it would be so difficult. I ended up at the most beautiful garden centre in my neighbourhood. I could've spent the entire day walking around and getting ideas for our outside space, but I had just bought chicken at the grocery store and I didn't want it to go funky in my back seat.

So I've vacuumed, dusted and changed the runner on my kitchen table, and not I have to get to work. I'd much rather take a nap or bake something or even re-organize my sock drawer. I do have to be thankful for something: report cards are a great distraction from infertility!

Btw, I mentioned to Sew on the phone yesterday that my period was painless. God bless L.upron! Will life be like this post-surgery? If the answer is yes, I am definitely looking forward to it!

Before I sign off I wanted to post this photo that I took when we were
in Normandy last summer. I know that I'm a day late but I wanted to commemorate the 65th anniversary of the D-Day Landings. The American Cemetery in Normandy was truly a magnificent sight to see. If you haven't been, you must go. Although I learned about the great wars in school, I didn't understand the magnitude of the lives lost until I saw the thousands of white crosses in that cemetery. God bless them all.


p.s. I wish I knew how to turn the volume off of my little video clip. The female voice is not mine, it's my friend J who is talking to Mr. JB. I'm so embarrassed that he's talking about being drunk in Parry Sound. Ooops!

My Unfinished Life

I feel like I've been spinning my wheels. In the blissful ignorance of my pre-surgery life, I felt like I was going towards something. Lately, I just feel like I've been stalled, doomed to do nothing and just hopeless.

I apologize for being such a downer folks, but honestly I don't know what to do with myself.

I recognize that my life is a pretty chaotic right now. We're nearing the end of the basement renovations and I am eagerly awaiting having a properly tidy house. Clutter and having things out of order just derails me. I'm the kind of person that has to clean the kitchen and have everything put away even before I can think of cooking something. Nothing makes me happier than having all of my laundry put away.

It's taken all of my might to stop myself from reorganizing the mess since there really isn't anywhere for it to go. Both of our spare rooms are filled to the ceiling and I refuse to add anything to our bedroom. Mr. JB found a box of my summer shoes and it's now sitting in our hallway. Although I do enjoy going through it and finding shoes I haven't seen since last year, the fact that a big brown box is sitting in plain sight is driving me batty!

Last weekend I took all of my frustrations on our front garden. It took me hours to get it cleaned out. I pruned, I re-mulched, I dug out the dead things and I planted some cute flowers. I was so intent in getting the backyard ready, but then Mr. JB got a flat tire and totally threw my plans off course. Then we ran out of soil so I still have a flat of plants waiting on my patio table.
I also have a ton of marking that I have to do. I've been carting around a bag of stuff for days and all I've succeeded in doing is getting a good arm workout while carrying it in and out of my house. I know that it will take no time since I teach grade one, but I just have no desire to do it. At this point all I want to do is make up marks on my students' report cards!

So I had my first post-L.upron follow-up with my surgeon today. I really like him, but his office is pretty chaotic. The waiting room is always filled with colourful characters. This morning was no different. I was already pretty stressed out because of the crazy traffic getting into the city. I really don't know how anyone commutes in that everyday! I was so wound up after being in the car for an hour and half that I arrived with clenched fists and my heart was racing. Thank God for my GPS!

One woman was complaining loudly about her hot flashes, an expectant husband was clutching his wife's purse while he waited for her and there seemed to be some sort of Korean woman reunion going on. I wish I could've understood what they were talking about because they seemed to be having a great time! At least this time the radio was playing waiting room appropriate music. The last time Mr. JB and I were there the radio was blaring dance music! I can honestly say that I have never heard B.on J.ovi full blast while waiting to see any of my other doctors.

When I finally saw Dr. I he was pleased to hear that I wasn't having hot flashes and that my side effects weren't too bad. I had to remind him about my last surgery since he couldn't find my chart. I would love to re-organize his office because it's just nuts in there! It also needs a good re-decorating. I watch way too much H.GTV!

I asked him about adhesion prevention and he told me that he will be using I.nterceed rather G.oretex. Apparently G.oretex is much more expensive. Dr. I was pretty impressed at how much I knew and he was impressed by my research. I mentioned to him, quite vaguely, about my friends in the US that had mentioned it to me (thanks Lifehopes!!!). Dr. I also told me about some sort of washing that he's going to do. I've never heard of that before, have any of you?

I was also concerned because I started bleeding a few days ago. I assumed that on L.upron that I wouldn't be having any sort of AF action. Apparently it's normal to have one last period before everything shuts down. Miraculously I have no cramps. I've had a couple of strange pelvic twinges which I'm assuming is the endo in my bowels.

I will be seeing Dr. I before my next pre-operative appointment. I'm assuming that it will be in July sometime. I'm really hoping that my side-effects the way that they are right now. I'm certain that after school lets out that a lot of the stress will go away.

I have to stop procrastinating. I'd much rather be planting my edible planters (yes, that's the theme in the JellyBelly garden this summer!), but I have stuff to mark.

Sixteen more sleeps, folks. Please pray that I make it in one piece!