8 March 2009

Suffering Silently

Well, not really.

I'm on my last month of the "let's try to get knocked up before surgery" experiment and I'm at the end of my rope with pain. I had the cramps of death earlier in the week and now that my period is basically done (it's CD6) and I'm still feeling pain on my right side. I am certain that it's the C.lomid that is making things worse and I am really looking forward to next month and being TTC-drug free.


[insert sarcastic cheering here]

On Friday night Mr. JB and I went to evening mass and the Stations of the Cross, something that we do every Lent (well, usually I have to convince my hubby, but he was completely willing to go without any complaint!). I love to do the Stations. At my old school my class would do a dramatization for the school and the school community really appreciated it. Every year the students would tell me that it was the first time that the Stations made sense to them.

In the middle of mass I started to feel horrible pain in my lower right side. A couple of times it actually took my breath away. During the Stations the pain just got worse and worse. I did take some ibuprophen before we left home so I was surprised by the intensity of the pain. I've prayed many, many times, especially in the past few months, that my pain could be taken away or for the strength to endure it. I was in the middle of one of those prayers when this came up in the Stations:

Lord Jesus, how can I refuse?

I willingly accept my weaknesses,
my irritations and my moods,
my headaches and fatigue,
all my defects of body, mind, and soul.

Because they are your will for me,
these "handicaps" of my humanity,
I gladly suffer them.

Make me content
with all my discontents,
but give me strength
to struggle after you.

The Stations that we did on Friday were from, Everyone's Way of the Cross by Clarene Enzler, and it's usually the Stations that we do at our parish. I know that the Lord speaks to us at the times we need it, and He was definitely reaching me Friday night. I did make it through the rest of the evening, but I did end up waiting in the car with Mr. JB ran into the grocery store to get some stuff we needed for dinner. When we got home I spent the rest of the night on the couch with my heating pad wrapped around my right side.

Yesterday I met up with Duck and we had a great chat over some tea. It was so great to finally meet up in person and to talk with someone who just gets it. I've thought many times of going to a support group in the area, but I honestly don't think that it would help me. The two hours that we spent chatting about our respective struggles (and her recent successes!) made me feel so much better. To top it off she also passed on some endo books that I'm sure will shed light on so many things that have gone on with my body. I'm at the point now where I think that I can feel where the disease is. It will be interesting to see after my surgery if my suspicions are right.

So I'm on the countdown to March Break. I finished my report cards on Thursday and they were handed in for review Friday at lunch. My current principal is a lot more easygoing than my former boss. Grade one reports are so much easier to do than junior level students! It also helps that I only have 20 students, and not 60 like I used to.

I rewarded myself with a new hoodie from my favourite yoga-wear store. My mom got me a gift card for my birthday and I was saving it as post-report card treat. It's been very snuggly and nice to wear since the weekend has been so damp.

I am so looking forward to going to Montreal for a few days to visit with my brother-in-law. He's lived there for two years and I haven't able to visit him as of yet. I just hope that the weather stays warm! The last time I went to Montreal about six years ago they had a HUGE storm and my train was delayed for hours.

Happy Daylight Savings Time to all of you! Let's hope that springing the clocks forward brings spring even sooner!

p.s. The photo is from our trip to France this past summer. I believe that the statue was l'Eglise Ste-Eustache, but I can't quite remember. We visited a lot of churches on our trip!


  1. I had so much fun too, we will have to do it again, and am cheering for your upcomming surgery!

  2. Wow! That excerpt from the Stations is very powerful. I think I have that version of the Stations around here somewhere, maybe I'll find it before Lent is up ;o) I'm sorry that you're having so much pain. I too have been having more RAP recently. I'm glad that your surgery is coming up soon and mine isn't too far behind yours. You're in my prayers. Blessings, LA

  3. What a beautiful photo :) TFS!

    I love Stations! I think they are my favorite part of the Liturgical year, hands down. Not even "Lent," but specifically Stations. And I love when the words speak to you during the Stations.

  4. I'm sorry you're in so much pain, dear. I really, really hope that by hook or by crook, you get some well-deserved relief soon.

    Montreal! I love it there. I so dreamed of moving there back when I was in my late teens, early 20s, before I got sucked back into the Midwest. I hope you hit the weather jackpot and have a lovely time!

  5. Awesome post about the stations. I LOVE it!