Until I got a phone call from one of my friends from my old staff to tell me that she's pregnant. I almost started to cry on the phone.
Not only because I'm awfully and painfully jealous, but because she's spent the past five years saying that she doesn't want kids! She openly talked about not wanting to be a mom. She was proud of being able to do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted.
And then she calls me today to tell me that she's due in August.
She said that her and her husband started talking about having kids recently. She expected that it would take longer since she's over 35. But lo and behold it didn't any time at all.
Look, I'm happy for her. She's a great friend and a fantastic teacher. But, SHE JUST DECIDED AND THEN GOT PREGNANT!!!
I've known since I was a little girl that I wanted to be a mom. I knew when I met my husband that I wanted to make as many babies as possible. We both want a HUGE family and we can't even have one!!!!!
I wish I could just decide to get pregnant and then the next month be with child. Decisions have had nothing to do with being infertile.
I don't know how much more I can take.
I did tell her about my surgery next month. I told her in not so many words that we've been trying for a long time and that the surgery is hopefully going to clear up the last of my fertility issues. We even joked that she could take a day off while I'm recuperating and she can take care of me. Although I don't know if I can handle having a pregnant person around me while I'm recovering.
It also doesn't help that it Peak +15 today and I was stupid and bought some POAS at the dollar store and got a BFN. I haven't POAS in over two years and the only reason that I even used the last tests was that they were about to expire. My boobs aren't as sore and I've been feeling twinges in my belly that feel like my period is coming. I'm sure that I'll see brown tomorrow just last like month on Peak +16.
I'm going to eat so more chocolate. Hopefully that'll make me feel better.
I've never felt more barren before.
p.s. My check engine light came on in my car while I was driving home. Not only am I barren, but now there's something wrong with my car.