2 March 2009

And we thought that everything was going fine...

Until I got a phone call from one of my friends from my old staff to tell me that she's pregnant. I almost started to cry on the phone.

Not only because I'm awfully and painfully jealous, but because she's spent the past five years saying that she doesn't want kids! She openly talked about not wanting to be a mom. She was proud of being able to do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted.

And then she calls me today to tell me that she's due in August.

Crap.

She said that her and her husband started talking about having kids recently. She expected that it would take longer since she's over 35. But lo and behold it didn't any time at all.

Look, I'm happy for her. She's a great friend and a fantastic teacher. But, SHE JUST DECIDED AND THEN GOT PREGNANT!!!

I've known since I was a little girl that I wanted to be a mom. I knew when I met my husband that I wanted to make as many babies as possible. We both want a HUGE family and we can't even have one!!!!!

I wish I could just decide to get pregnant and then the next month be with child. Decisions have had nothing to do with being infertile.

I don't know how much more I can take.

I did tell her about my surgery next month. I told her in not so many words that we've been trying for a long time and that the surgery is hopefully going to clear up the last of my fertility issues. We even joked that she could take a day off while I'm recuperating and she can take care of me. Although I don't know if I can handle having a pregnant person around me while I'm recovering.

It also doesn't help that it Peak +15 today and I was stupid and bought some POAS at the dollar store and got a BFN. I haven't POAS in over two years and the only reason that I even used the last tests was that they were about to expire. My boobs aren't as sore and I've been feeling twinges in my belly that feel like my period is coming. I'm sure that I'll see brown tomorrow just last like month on Peak +16.

I'm going to eat so more chocolate. Hopefully that'll make me feel better.

I've never felt more barren before.

p.s. My check engine light came on in my car while I was driving home. Not only am I barren, but now there's something wrong with my car.

Argh.

11 comments:

  1. I'm sorry that things are such cr*p right now, it's always hard to hear of someone say they don't want kids and then for them to get pregnant easily, it's natural, so be gentle with you, ok?

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  2. I always hate those announcements. They really do add salt to an open wound.

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  3. I don't understand. I think once I start my cocaine addiction I will become pregnant. Or the moment I start becoming a femi nazi? We could do that together? Wanna?

    ARGH! I am so sorry! I completely understand that kind of "oh my gosh" I'm prengnat news! BIT*&^%!!!!! l(

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  4. How frustrating. It's one thing if someone has never said that they didn't want to have children. But, to tell you that for five years, then up and decide to do it and get lucky is just so hard to take.

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  5. How unfair! I just really think people don't get how hard IF is. That really sucks (and the car to boot!). Hope tomorrow is better.

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  6. Hang in there. Thanks for posting on my comments - I'm thinking of you.

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  7. That sucks so BAD!! I'm so sorry! Honestly I'm not sure if I could have maintained my cool if I was speaking with her.

    In regards to check the engine light, mine is constantly on and since we can't afford to fix it, it's on all the time it's been like that for over a year so we figure it has to do with the computer chip in the car. Every time we turn on the car and we have people with us they hear the beeping sound the engine light makes and then they get worried and ask about it, I don't even hear it anymore, I just tell them to ignore it :)

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  8. I wish I could knock on your door and bring you a basket of really good chocolates. It doesn't really help, but it soothes, at least for me.

    I'm always ambushed by my feelings. I always feel like I'm in a solid place -- and then the blithe announcement on facebook from an old friend about her second pregnancy -- trumpeting it to the world so early, so confident --and I feel as if its been stolen from me -- and all the weight of the unfairness hits me.

    And car stuff on top of it? SO unfair. I felt my car's lack of acceleration and thought -- this is it, the timing belt they claimed was slipping has finally gone -- and now what.

    Blech. We need spring. Stat.

    Love,

    Pam

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  9. oops. I wasn't signed in -- but that was me!

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  10. Oh crap! That is the absolute worst! I'm so sorry sweetie!

    I have felt those exact same feelings many times...in fact, I got a pregnancy announcement yesterday too! It was tough.

    I hate it when people say, "we're not ready for kids" or "we don't know if we'll ever have kids" and then bam, they turn up pregnant and it's like that other person never existed. It just makes it hurt so much worse when you've wanted it the whole time!

    I'm so sorry! All I can say is cry it out. Yell and scream and pour your heart out to God. He is capable of hearing it.

    I said the same thing yesterday...I just don't know how much longer I can take this. I just want this part of my life to be over...and I'm sure you feel the same way!

    Big hugs to you!!!!! I hope you are feeling better today at least. Just try and avoid her like the plague for awhile...and when you start thinking about her again just think of how fat she's going to get! Ha Ha! I know that's seriously so mean...and obviously we'd totally be willing to be "fat" if we could only just get pregnant...but it helps me feel a little better at least!

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  11. I want to SCREAM for you!!!

    I AM screaming for you over here!!!!

    Oh how I LOATHE those phone calls and emails! I am so SICK and tired of them!!!!

    Hang in there, you're getting surgery soon, and hopefully YOU'LL be the one making the calls soon!!!

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