I've been thinking about my happy place. A lot.
This is a photo of the table that I wrote my teachers' college essays when I lived in Paris. I hung out at this bar on a regular basis and a good friend helped me write about why I wanted to teach little kids. It seemed like a shot in the dark at a pretty grown up future. Here I am eight years later, and I don't regret ever leaving my amazing life in France.
As my surgery looms closer I'm finding myself worrying more and more. I read through the literature that I was given at my pre-op appointment this morning with my breakfast (big mistake, I know) and the reality is starting to hit me. I've thought about the after a lot -- how much pain I'll be in, the various things that I won't be able to do, but I haven't thought about the during part of my surgery.
So the what ifs have been swimming around my head. What if the doctor finds that I'm super duper messed up? What if the doctor finds out that I can't have babies? What if I have to have bowel resection? What if I have some crazy complications and they have to remove my uterus?
I know, crazy.
I know that lap surgeries are pretty routine. For goodness sakes my mother-in-law had endo removed over 40 years ago! I also need to remember that I'm going to one of the best hospitals in my province and that my surgeon comes highly recommended. I will be in good hands. My head knows it, but the little voice in my head seems to think otherwise.
Part of me wants to run away and change my name. I could always head back to France, you know. I could be an ex-pat writer that lives on baguettes and cheese and writes haikus for tourists to make money. I could teach English at a language school and live in a tiny flat and drink cheap wine. But it wouldn't take away my longing for my own child. It also would be horrible leaving Mr. JB. Honestly, I wouldn't even make it to the end of the driveway.
Instead, I've been trying to push the worries away by remembering our awesome trip this past summer. I've been daydreaming about the delicious meals we had, like the best meal that we had in Biarritz. I didn't think that a salad could be so good, but this salade landaise was to die for! We almost ate at a restaurant in Montreal that had salade landaise on their menu, but I changed my mind. I also didn't want to spoil the memory of this amazing dish!
I do have a few nagging questions that have been bothering me. Those of you that have had laproscopic surgery, please be as honest and open as possible, please. I think I'm going to need a lot more hand holding than I thought.
1) What do I tell my class? I don't think that Madame is sick is going to work on 20 6 year olds. They're going to be worried, but I know I can't tell them the truth. The supply teacher that is coming in for me is a good friend and the kids love her. I can't just leave for two weeks and expect them not to drive her crazy with questions.
2) Do I need to do anything to prepare myself? Should I change my diet this coming week? Should I change my activity level? I know that I won't be able to exercise for at least a few weeks after the procedure and I'm cool with that.
3) Is there anything I need to do to get my house ready? My cleaning lady (God bless her!) changed weeks with us and she's going to come this Friday instead. My house is going to be spotless so I won't have to worry about that.
4) Is there anything I should buy before the surgery? I have an awesome heating pad and I bought an extra-large pack of maxi pads at the grocery store yesterday. I also bought some draw string pants on sale at O.ld Navy since I really don't have any loose-fitting post-surgery clothes. I also stocked up on the black underwear.
5) How much pain should I expect? I've refused pain medication in the past (when I was hospitalized for a really bad flare of my colitis and both times I had ovarian cysts burst). I have a high pain tolerance. I don't think that I can survive without painkillers this time, but I just want to be prepared.
6) How long will it take me to be completely mobile? Mr. JB is taking three days off then it's Easter long weekend so I won't be home alone until April 14th. I do have a couple of friends that have volunteered to take days off to take care of me, but I would really prefer to be on my own.
So that's it for now. I'm sure that I'll have other questions, but these are the first ones that come to mind.
Thanks in advance!