Now I want to preface this post with the fact that I love children. Babies especially. I wouldn't have tried for almost four years to have one of my own if I didn't love babies. Do you believe me?
I really hope that you do after you read this.
Yesterday was my hubby's cousin's son's 5th birthday (did you follow that?). And of course I knew that the house would be filled with babies and fertile couples. Last year I even missed the party because I just couldn't handle the pregnant women and I also had the convenient excuse of an assignment that I had to finish for the class I was taking. Honestly, I tried to search my body for an ailment when I woke up, but I just couldn't come up with an excuse. And besides, the birthday boy was asking for his Aunt JellyBelly, so I couldn't with good conscience avoid the party.
My heart dropped as soon as we walked into the house. The birthday boy's little brother as well as a friend's baby were on the floor in the living room. The birthday boy's cousin followed in soon after.
And I never felt more barren in my life.
All of the moms are around the same age as I am and we usually have so much to talk about, but I honestly couldn't for the life of me find something not baby related as conversation topics. I was really happy to find a bowl of lime flavoured nacho chips that was far away from the baby action! I'm also grateful for the NCAA tournament being on and having the excuse of being a HUGE fan to be absent from all of the baby-love.
When we tried to make an early exit my hubby's aunt laid a guilt trip on us. "Why do you have to go? You know the birthday boy only turns 5 once!"
Honestly lady, if you knew how empty my soul feels right now you'd let me go and watch my favourite basketball team. I didn't know if I wanted to kick her or cry.
So I had to put on a happy face and watch the birthday boy open his gifts, blow out his candles (but we couldn't sing "Happy Birthday" because it would be too loud. I suspect the kid is mildly austistic, but that's another post for another time). Oh yeah, I couldn't have any of the cake because it was made with all of the things I couldn't eat! Yay! Score another one for the barren, allergy afflicted JellyBelly!
Now I don't expect everyone to be sensitive to the fact that we're infertile. I also don't expect pity. For goodness sake, that's the reason we've been so quiet about our IF struggles. But this family knows what we've been through, how many years of disappointment and anguish that we've had to endure while EVERYONE we know have babies, even the previously infertile couples!
Three babies under the age of one is a lot to take for an infertile. They're lucky that they got me out of the house in one piece!
I really don't know how much longer I can "suck it up" around my fertile family members and friends. I really don't.