I had a meltdown today. It was in the cards -- my class was a pain in the ass last week, my coursework is piling up, a mountain of marking, and my crazy family seems to be spinning out of control. And yes, I still haven't made a baby.
So it happened and I had to pull into a parking lot to have a good cry and then I continued on with my errands. And as soon as I got home I crawled into bed and cried some more.
After crying for a very long time I realized that my time-filling solution really hasn't fixed anything, but now I'm stuck with too many commitments and I have no time to relax. It's a vicious circle: when I'm not busy all I can think of is my baby-lessness and when I'm too busy I get so stressed out that I can't possibly be calm enough to make a baby.
So how do I strike a balance? Do I start resigning from committees? Do I go into hiding? Move to another country? Go into the witness protection program?
I've never been very good at being a hedonist. In the back of my mind I was hoping that all of my volunteering and good works would make me worthy of having a baby. That all of the self-sacrifice and giving of myself would make the universe give me the baby that I have wanted for so long.
But is the universe really that cruel? There are plenty of people that have babies that are not very nice. There are plenty of bad parents (as a teacher I have too many examples of that!).
The hardest part of being diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" is that it is so illogical. I have no explanation. Nothing and no one to blame. Would I feel better if I had something wrong with my reproductive organs? Would it be better to say that my hubby has a low sperm count? Part of me thinks so.
I've been banging my head and my heart against this horrible, sad wall for so long.
I really hope that tomorrow is a better day. I have hope for that at least.