19 January 2008

Procrastinators Anonymous


I have a list taller than me to do today. Which really isn't too hard to believe since I'm just over five feet tall. 
Since starting my online course I've totally been half-assing the responses and posts -- thank God I learned the fine art of pretending to read material in university! All the students loans and Kraft Dinner really paid off! 

I had it in my head that I would go to an early yoga class then head home to do some coursework. Needless to say it's after noon and all I've done is go to yoga, read the newspaper, clean the kitchen, start the laundry and log into my course. And oh yes, visit my blog! Then again, I did have all those things I've already done on the to-do list so really I guess I'm being semi-productive. 

I went to a going-away party for one of my yoga friends last night. She is moving to Vancouver next week with her husband to hopefully expand his career as a documentary film-maker and she is going to do her yoga teacher-training. G is one of the most beautiful people that I have ever met. She's always smiling, full of life and regardless of the hardship she seems to gracefully sail through it. She moved to Ontario from South America two years ago and her house was full of people. Our circle of yoga friends along with her work friends had a great time celebrating the new chapter in her life. I admire that G and her husband are going to explore life in a new province, even though they will be without the support of family and friends. 

I often think that it's a change of scenery that I need. Before I got married I was quite the nomad. From the time that I left home for university until I got my teaching position I had moved a whopping thirteen times -- including moves to France and to Manitoba. I loved the opportunity to re-invent myself and also to meet new people. Now that I own a house and am married to someone that likes to stay in one place, I've had to get used to idea that I have to be happy with where I am. I know that a lot of the moving had to do with running away from problems (and sometimes people) and that I don't have anything to run from presently, I can't seem to shake the need to change something about my life. I just haven't figured out what it is exactly.

I saw my lovely acupuncturist yesterday. After checking my pulse he knew right away that I had a headache (it seems like I've had the same headache for the past week!). He asked me what I had been doing to treat it and I told him that I went to yoga on Thursday and then I took some Advil. S told me, in a round-about way (and also in English that I don't always understand) that I had to learn how to treat the problem from the inside and to not mask it by taking medicine. 

A pretty profound statement for someone that has been going through infertility for over two years.

Maybe I haven't been able to get pregnant because of some psychological block -- I know that physiologically there is nothing wrong with either myself or my hubby. Perhaps it's fear of failure. Maybe I'm just not ready, even though I've convinced myself that I am. I wish that I had the time to just sit and think about all these things, but reality sets in and the dishwasher has to be emptied and tests have to be marked. 

So what is it? Is it because of my weak liver and pancreas? Is it because I'm too stressed out (hopefully my shiatsu massage will help with that next week!)? Or maybe I'm just meant to be childless?

Too I don't have an Magic 8 ball because I really can't decide on what option to take. 

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