The Eternal W-A-I-T

I have learned so many things from almost six years of IF.

One of which is how to wait.

I hate waiting.

I hate having to be patient.

All the time.

Argh.

Setting up a surgery date with PPVI is proving to be yet another trial to my patience. The woman that does the bookings is only there Tuesdays mornings. Like most teachers, I am quite busy on Tuesday mornings. It's tough for me to find time to pee, let alone call Omaha during my morning! So I fired off an e-mail to the booking nurse explaining my case and why I needed a date in the near future.

Let's just hope she takes pity on me and gives me something!

[sigh]

I did have a moment of clarity last week: I know that I am meant to have my third (and hopefully final!) surgery in the US. I am not counting on my provincial health care footing the bill for my surgery and after the summer I will have most of the money to pay for surgery in Omaha, although I'm hoping that surgery in PA will be cheaper since we can actually drive there!

I should be thankful for the options that are open to us and I know that all of this was meant to happen -- yes, even the pesky pelvic abscess which was so much fun.

I just hope and pray that this part of my IF journey is just a little easier that the road that I have already traveled.

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Thank you so much for all of your kind words and support. Aunt Fran's funeral was so beautiful. It is so unfortunate that we only seem to see our extended family at weddings and at funerals. The church basement was being painted and the Lion's Hall was being used so the reception after the funeral was at her house. She would've been so happy that everyone got to see her beautiful garden that she was working in when she had her heart attack. We've shed many tears, not all sad, but she was a reminder to live life to its fullest and to appreciate everything that God has given us.

Paralysis

I've been sitting on the couch in a relative stupor for hours.

I thought that going to a Restorative yoga class this afternoon would help clear my head, but I'm just done.

I have my PPVI paperwork to fill out. I have math tests to mark. I have a messy kitchen.

And most of all I'm sad.

I know that Auntie Fran lived a long and happy life. She survived the sudden death of her first husband in a tragic train accident when she was pregnant with her third child. She was a single mom when it wasn't common. She finished her degree at night school and taught Family Studies, all with young children at home. She went on to marry her second husband who she also survived.

I couldn't imagine outliving TWO husbands!

She was a happy grandmother who loved to garden and cook for her family. I will never forget the first squishy hug that she gave me at my very first family reunion, or the happiness on her face when we saw her after mass on Sunday morning.

Auntie Fran would be so upset with us if she knew how many tears we have shed today.

It seems like 2011 is a year of loss for the JellyBelly household.

And yes, AF arrived today. I prayed for a miracle, but alas my many novenas and supplications didn't work.

I'm so tired of being sad. So, so tired.

Thank you all for all of your prayers and support. I need to find something low GI that will work as good as chocolate and wine does. I think that I'm in for quite a search.

:(

Auntie Fran died this morning at 5:40.
Needless to say we are both devastated, but as Mr JB just said, she is reunited with her husbands, one of which she hasn't seen in 60 years.
Please pray for the repose of her soul and for the comfort of her children and grandchildren.
Now, I have to get through the day. [sigh]

Prayers please!

I'm in need of your help again, my dear blog friends.

Mr JB's Aunt Fran had a heart attack this afternoon. She's about 80 and is in pretty good health, or so we thought until just now. We saw her after mass yesterday and she was so happy to see us. Aunt Fran has survived two husbands (one that was killed in a train accident while she was pregnant with her third child), the deaths of two son-in-laws and has a daughter-in-law who is currently battling cancer. She lives in a house right beside the Catholic church in Mr JB's hometown, so hopefully that proximity will help out.

She is the sweetest lady and has one of the biggest hearts in a person so small.

We had a couple of months of quiet, I guess.

Please storm heaven for our Auntie Fran!!!!!

Hi God..., (with a new p.s.)

...it's me, JellyBelly,

First off, thank you so much for the break in the rain. I thought that I was going to lose my mind this morning when we woke up to another morning of the wet stuff. Indoor recess with 19 7 year olds is not fun. Ever.

I've been having one of those days. When I got to school one of my colleagues told me about the house that she is going to look at with her soon-to-be fiance. She mentioned that she didn't want to move in together before her wedding, but she wasn't sure if her fiance could afford to live in the house they want alone. She was trying to justify living together before marriage and it annoyed me so much! I had to bite my tongue and leave the room. I know that I shouldn't judge others, but it was so hard.

It also doesn't help that this particular colleague has been getting on my nerves. One of my students won a competition the other day and she was trying to take the credit by saying how much work she did with him in grade one. It really hurt my feelings since I've done a lot of work with him too!

Oh God, please give me more patience. I seem to be lacking.

I am also having a very hard time with my colleague's new pregnancy. Every day I see her, and we see one another a lot, I feel pangs of jealousy. I want so badly for a baby to grow in my womb. Haven't I been waiting long enough?

Lord, I am pleading with you for a break. IF has been a heavier than usual weight on my shoulders. I feel like you keep providing more answers, but it doesn't make it easier.

I feel so forgotten right now, Lord. I wish that I didn't, but I do.

Love,
JellyBelly

p.s. I attended my school's Confirmation this evening and the Bishop's words really stuck in my head. He said (and I'm paraphrasing, of course) that watching the young people of my school receive such an important sacrament is a reminder for us (the congregation) to become closer to Christ and remember our Confirmation. I remember my Confirmation night so clearly -- particularly because I was afraid that I was going to start speaking in tongues when I got anointed with the chrism! I'm holding fast to this cross Lord, but please be merciful on my impatient heart!

Random Monday Night Thoughts

1) First off, thank you all for your comments on my last post (yes, even the ones that were eaten up and erased forever by Blogger). The nurses at the PPVI are going to call tomorrow afternoon and hopefully Mr. JB can talk to them to arrange a surgery date. As soon as we get a date, I can let my Napro doctor know and she can send in that paperwork!

2) I was overcome with gratitude when I read Tishi's comments about having a fundraiser for my surgery if my provincial health insurance doesn't cover my surgery. Part of me would feel guilty to raise money, but it would make things so much easier! I've also decided to write my local politicians to ask for their help. This is an election year and our local MPP and our newly elected MP are also Catholic, so who knows? It could only help, right?

3) I've been so torn about what to do with our adoption plans. My heart is really set on international adoption, but there is no way we could do a surgery in the US and adopt from Asia. I feel like we are really called to adopt a baby from close to where my family is from. I wish that it wasn't so important for me to have a child that looks somewhat like me, but it does.

4) It looks like my brother-in-law is heading to East Africa next year. He's almost done his studies in Rome and then he will be in Boston for a short while and then he'll be in Africa for a year. He floated the idea of being in Ethiopia. My first thought was, "Maybe he could find us a baby to adopt!" I was hoping that he would end up in the Philippines so my family could take care of him, but alas that doesn't look like it's going to happen.

5) School is ridiculously busy. I feel like I haven't stopped in weeks! I have a couple of students that have been acting really strange lately. I've had to pray for patience more than once, and I'd appreciate a couple prayers that I can stay patient. I don't like to raise my voice, but sometimes it's unavoidable (particularly when they're doing things that aren't safe!). I suspect that one of the kids is somewhere on the autism spectrum, but I know that his mother is not prepared to deal with a diagnosis like that!

6) A really nice house came on the market and Mr. JB and I decided that we were going to pass. I think that we need to focus our money on getting me healthier and growing our family. We're not going to stop looking, but I know in my heart that this is not the right time to be house hunting.

7) I've been so exhausted. I think that my body (and particularly my liver) have been working overtime! On top of all of my vitamins and liquid herbs, I'm taking E.strace, Met.formin (which is going so much better), HCG, and LDN. I've been waking up with a headache since starting E.strace post-Peak. It also doesn't help that it's cold and rainy. Yuck.

8) I have to get my Peak +7 blood work done tomorrow. Again, yuck.

9) I have a cyst on the bottom of my middle toe on my left foot. I went to my GP (yes, the one that I can't stand) and she's going to send me to a foot specialist. Not fun. I hope that it can removed in a doctor's office. The last thing I want is to be under anaesthesia again!

10) I've been having problems with my jaw again. My RMT and my chiropractor have been working on it for months! I asked my chiropractor if she thought that an osteopath would work (she doesn't, but she thinks that it would help my IF). I think that I may need a hypnotist since all of my jaw issues are subconscious. I see my dentist in July so hopefully he has some ideas. Do any of you have any experience with hypnotists? I'm serious here.

I need to get to bed and say my novenas!!!

p.s. This is my 504th post! So crazy!

Calling Omaha

In the midst of all of the feel-me-sorries and getting used to my new diet (as I type this I have been gorging on the most tasty gluten-free popped corn chips, not low GI at all, but I just need to eat them!) I completely forgot that I got a letter from the Pope Paul VI Institute!

For those of you that are not in the loop, my Canadian Napro doctor is trying to get my provincial health care to pay for my surgery in Omaha. She sent my file to Omaha for Dr. Hilgers to review and I received a copy of the review a few weeks ago.

So these are Dr. H's recommendations:

"She should have a thorough hormone evaluation of her menstrual cycle (without medications), a thyroid system dysfunction panel, an ultrasound series to determine whether there is an ovulation-related defect, and a diagnostic laparoscopy, hysteroscopy and selective hysterosalpingogram, as well as, possible dilation and curettage (D&C) and endometrial cultures.  I do realize that she has had a laparotomy in the past for endometriosis, pelvic adhesions, and uterine fibroids; however, given that she experienced a pelvic infection postoperatively, there is a high likelihood of discovering pelvic adhesions in addition to possible recurrence of endometriosis lesions or a persistant endometrioma based on the postoperative diagnostic CT imaging."

He also continued to say that I would need to stay in Omaha for 7 to 10 days to complete everything.

Holy moly!

My Napro doctor said that when I received the letter that I would have to call Omaha to get a tentative surgery date, which I did when I got home from school. I spoke to a very friendly nurse on the phone and I was told that I would be phoned next Tuesday to schedule.

I have no idea whether my provincial health care will pay for my procedure. Dr. Nora, my naturopath extraordinaire thinks that it would be very good PR for the government to fund my surgery as an alternative to ART. I never thought of myself as a public spokeswoman for Catholic IF, but if it's going to get my ladyparts cleaned up, I will have to do it.

I hope that the powers that be will be sympathetic to my poor barren self. We could find the funds to pay for surgery, but it would be so wonderful for someone else to do it!

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Update of my weirdo bleeding: It hasn't subsided, but hasn't gotten any heavier. It seems to be the same timing as the bleeding that happened November, although so much lighter. Unfortunately it's definitely been more brown than anything. [sigh]

Can't an IF girl get a break????

The mystery that is my body --- HELP!!!

So I believed that after my last blood draw that things were improving.

Oh, how my body likes to surprise me.

At the end of the day I started spotting. It's CD18 and if I am following the same pattern as last month, today should be my Peak day.

I did have strange bleeding in November 2010 and Dr. Nora figures that it was because of low hormones.

Now I have no idea what to think.

So my friends, does anyone have any insight? advice? a padded room that I can retreat to?

Spring Fever

The sunshine totally lifted my spirits today.

I'm so tired of seeing all of the depressing blog posts so I thought I would post about something that wasn't so sad.

I know that this is a TTC blog and that it is pretty obvious what activities one has to engage in to help facilitate conception.

Do you know where I'm going here?

Well, for the past week I've been feeling a lot more randy (I just made sure that the definition was correct on dictionary.com, and yes if you check it out, I do mean the first definition).

I have to admit that after almost six years of trying unsuccessfully to have a baby that my libido isn't always at its peak. Anyone that has gone through IF knows how much of a trial it can be to even want to engage in marital relations. I assume that it's my normalizing hormones coupled with all of the amazing herbs, tinctures and vitamins that my naturopath has me on as well as the arrival of warmer weather.

Mr. JB is thrilled, to say the least!

Anyone have any insight into this latest development?

Thank God...

...that it's a new day.

And that it's sunny.

And that I don't have to hear "Happy Mother's Day" or be wished it in error (it only happened once, but it still stung).

I survived without tears.

Lord, please help me be a mother next year.

If only...

I could stay in bed until tomorrow.

I would in a heartbeat.

But (there's always a but, isn't there?) today is also my fertile bf's daughter's First Communion and Mr JB's cousin's baby's baptism.

Two occasions that I have to attend and I have to pretend that I am not in mourning today.

Six Mother's Days have passed and I feel like I'm no closer to being a mother.

St Gianna, pray for us. St. Rose of Lima, pray for us. St. Gerard, pray for us. Blessed John Paul II, pray for us.

Are we being mocked?

I got a second pg announcement yesterday, but at least I was mentally prepared for this one (it was the friend who got married in January, yes the one who wanted to start trying before her wedding!).

I smiled through dinner and I didn't cry until I got home.

Yesterday was a horrible, horrible day.

Mr JB thinks that the Lord is mocking us. He also said that if this continues that he's considering not going to church, but he relented when I got even more upset.

I usually count on my husband to be the stable one.

I am so sad. I feel spent. It also doesn't help that it's Mother's Day this weekend. And have I mentioned that Mr JB is the godfather for his cousin's baby who is being baptized on Sunday? Yes, the baby that precipitated the scandalous wedding.

I am feeling so abandoned. So forgotten.

How much longer do I have to wait? How many more prayers do I have to pray?

Near tears

A newly married colleague just told me that she's pg.

She got married in August.

I smiled and congratulated her, but I feel like I'm dying inside.

It's been almost six years.

Is it ever going to be my turn???

Blessed John Paul II, pray for us!

What a glorious, wonderful day! I have spent so much of the day on the cusp of crying (some happy, some sad) tears. We didn't get up early to watch the beatification live, so as soon as we got home from mass we turned on Sa.lt and L.ight TV to watch the mass (we were also trying to see if we could get a glimpse of Mr. JB's brother who was a Eucharistic Minister at the mass, but we didn't).

I credit Pope John Paul II for my reversion back to Catholicism in my 20's (I guess this could be "Faith Story Leila, better late than never, right?).

I am a cradle Catholic, although my family didn't attend mass every Sunday, it was something that we did on a regular basis. I was lucky enough to attend a Catholic elementary school with a church at the front of the property. The priests would come out a recess and talk to the kids in the schoolyard, and we always went to first Friday mass as a school.

It wasn't until we moved to the suburbs that we started to attend mass every Sunday. I credit my best friend at the time and her family with my renewed interest in the church. Her family went every Sunday and I slept over at her house very frequently, so I just went with her. I started to push my mom to take me and she couldn't think of reasons not to go. My dad, still to this day, doesn't always attend mass on Sundays, but he would if I pushed him.

When I went away to university and tasted freedom for the first time, I continued to go to mass. My parents would often visit on Sundays so they could take me to lunch after mass. In my first year of university I was still dating my high school sweetheart and we would often attend mass together, even though he wasn't Catholic.

Things started to change when I met an older boy. He volunteered at the campus radio station where I also did a show (yes, I wanted to be a journalist before I became a teacher). I fell for him quickly and hard, and at the end of my first year I broke up, amicably with my high school boyfriend. Around the time I met this new boy I decided that I was going to go to the campus doctor to get put on the pill. I was tired of the horrible cramps I was experiencing, and I figured that it was okay since my family doctor had suggested it first (my mom had refused to put me on the pill because of religious reasons and the doctor gave me stronger pain meds).

I can admit now that the pain was second on my list, but at the time I had fooled myself into thinking that it was my main reason.

I ended up dating the radio boy for almost three years. I even followed him out west after I graduated because I was so in love with him. We didn't have the healthiest relationship and I also struggled with clinical depression throughout the entire time we were together.

And I wasn't taking the pill just to manage my pain, if you know what I mean.

While I was living out west I applied to a Masters program at the university where I did my undergraduate studies and as soon as I was accepted I packed my bags and returned home. Living out west was tough and I was so far from my family, and I knew in my heart of hearts that I belonged back in Ontario.

Pretty much immediately after moving back into my student house (I was lucky enough to find a room with my old roommates, my fertile bf being one of them), I met another boy. I didn't plan on breaking up with radio boy, but after a couple of months and being flirted with by engineer boy, I broke up with my boyfriend and quickly moved on to a new relationship.

This relationship consumed five years of my life, and not in a good way. He was incredibly charming, good-looking, but so incredibly toxic. In retrospect I know that he dealt with horrible demons and because I am a fixer, I wanted so badly to take his pain from him. Unfortunately, I spent so long trying to save him that I almost lost myself in the process.

We broke up and got back together so many times that I can't even count, nor remember. When I returned home from France I thought that we were actually going to stay together, forever. We even lived together for a year before I broke things off for good. It wasn't until he got physically abusive that I realized that I needed out.

One Sunday I went to mass, like I did every Sunday. As I sat in the pew and said my prayers before mass started I saw a dad with his little kids. I thought to myself, "I want a husband like that. I want my entire family to go to church together."

That is when I realized that I had to stop living sinfully and that I had to end my relationship. I knew that he didn't love me and I knew that I loved myself so much more to let myself be treated the way that he was treating me.

I moved out of our apartment the next day.

Which bring me back to JPII. I was one of my many rain-soaked faithful that went to the Papal Mass. I was teaching ESL at the Uni.versity of T.oronto the summer of 2002 and I signed up to take some exchange students. I can't remember who the kids were, but I remember the wonderful feeling of peace and holy power that came over me as the Pope John Paul II passed by us in the crowd. I spent most of the mass crying tears of joy.

I don't think that it was a coincidence that I had the realization about my then-boyfriend almost a year to the day later.

Being in the presence of a saint forced me to realize that I had to live a better, holier life. I know that it took me a year to figure it out, but as soon as I did my life became so much easier.

Three months after breaking up with engineer boy, I met Mr. JB. We went on our first date on October 26, 2003 and haven't been apart since.

I may not have a baby, but I have a wonderful, Catholic husband that holds my hand throughout the entire mass.


As soon as we were engaged, Mr. JB and I wrote the papal office to see if our marriage could be blessed, unfortunately JPII passed away three months before our wedding and Pope Benedict was not in Rome when we were there. We did, however, visit Pope John Paul II's tomb under St. Peter's and I felt the same power that came over me at World Youth Day.

I cried that day too, that time, tears of joy and thanksgiving that I could be somewhere so beautiful with someone that I loved and who loved me just as much back.

I am so grateful to belong to a faith that can forgive sins, sins that I still carry as regret in my heart, but I know that the rocky path that brought me to my wonderful husband was all worth it. I credit Pope John Paul II for bringing me home. Although I was never really far from the church, every doubt and question that I had about my faith and everything that I took for granted, was erased when I felt JPII's immense holiness around me.


I know that this cross infertility that I carry will serve its purpose in my life. Pope John Paul II stirred something in my soul that needed to be disrupted. I know now that seeing him in so much pain, but able to persevere and continue his holy works, should be example enough for me to carry this cross longer and with more dignity, and definitely more patience.

Thank Blessed John Paul II!

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Job update: Thank you for all of your wise advice. I took the job and my boss seems so happy that I agreed to return. Now to decide what that money is going towards: surgery or adoption.