22 March 2010

Confessions

Okay girls, I'm in a pickle.

My fertile best friend gave birth to her third (her second child since I've been married) while we were away. I didn't phone her when we got in since I was too busy dealing with a migraine and then I didn't phone yesterday since I had a migraine hang-over.

I called today and thankfully no one answered and I left a message -- she NEVER checks her messages so I'm pretty safe.

I really have no desire to see this baby.

I can't deal with newborns. Especially, the newborn of someone who is so fertile.

I've had nine months to deal with this, I didn't expect to have such a strong reaction.

I did buy the baby (and the other two kids) presents while we were away. I resented having to buy yet another baby present.

I can't help it, I'm human and incredibly jealous.

I just keep on going back to her complaining a few months ago that she wasn't sure if she could handle having another baby (the middle child is about to turn four). I didn't know whether or not to kick her or cry when she said this. Btw, I was sitting beside her.

I know that we all have our crosses to bear. And I don't envy their financial position -- she's the friend who really can't afford to have another child according to the credit card bill that I accidentally saw (really, it was on the kitchen counter while I was making tea, it was unavoidable!). I also know that the birth of this child will plummet her already chaotic house into more chaos.

But, at the bottom of it all, she's my best friend.

She has been with me through so much since we became friends in 1994. And she lives around the corner, I can hide for only so long.

What do I do girls? Help!

16 comments:

  1. It's understandable to feel so jealous about the whole thing. It just drives me nuts to hear people complain about having another child. But, she is your best friend, and if she is having financial problems, she needs you. What would you want her to do if the roles were reversed? She could probably use a friend to help her threw her rough patch. And I'm sure she will be there for you. That's what friends are for isn't it? Even if you don't want to be there with the baby, you might change your mind when you are holding that little life in your arms. And to see the appriciation of help in your friends eyes, I think makes up for the hurt that you are dealing with right now.

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  2. Yup this pretty much sucks....But in this situation where you can't hide. I say fake it til you make it.

    Probably not the advice you wanted to hear...But what else can an IF girl do when her bff is popping them out left and right!

    You are next my dear...I know it....Those hormones are getting wrestled and I feel it....YOU.ARE.NEXT.

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  3. This situation is so hard! I just went through this twice! My two best friends had baby's within 2 weeks of one another.

    It is so hard to endure and it makes you feel like shit! Just keep going and one day it will be you!

    Thinking of you!

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  4. Take it one day at a time. It'll get easier...I promise. If she continues to complain about seemingly trivial things and it is bothering you, as her bestest I don't know why you couldn't have a heart to heart conversation with her about it.

    We do all have our crosses to bear. It's hard to be in someone else's shoes, especially when ours are so painful.

    Hugs. It WILL get easier

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  5. I am in a similar situation (or I was) In november my best friend had her second baby since we have been together. I finally seen the baby for the FIRST time on the weekend. How did I manage to go 5 months without seeing them? well LOTS of avoidance and a little bit of truth. I let her know that there are times of the month that I just can handle seeing babies. I let her know that I KNOW its jealous and irrational but that I just cant get over it right now. It took 5 months but I saw her and the baby, it was hard for me, but at least I did it on my own terms. I sent her and the baby a gift and a card when babe was born and I let her know I was very happy for her!

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  6. I wish I could help but I have pregnant women around me 24/7 so I had to get past it........that bfp has to be around the corner.....

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  7. I guess you have to see her, but I know it sucks!
    My friend (who didn't even want kids and now has 3) and her husband had huge credit card bills (I too accidentally caught a glimpse one day) and still went out and bought $600 cameras and went to movies every weekend. Poor money management is not really something I get really sympathetic about (not saying your friend has poor money mgt...). They used to complain about $2 gallons of milk, yet pay $4 for a cup of coffee at SB! How does that make sense?!
    Kids are expensive yes, but they are a blessing dammit!
    Okay, sorry, didn't mean to get carried away there. Maybe you could tell her that you love her and want to be there for her but you're going through a rough time right now and don't think you have the strength to deal with baby stuff.

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  8. As I was reading, I thought your freind might be too tired and busy to be worried you didn't call yet and knowing your journey she may not be holding it against you.

    I had a friend with awesome fertility and she had three babies in quick succession. She understood why I had a hard time and it does get better, I promise. In the meantime, praying :) In all honesty, I didn't see her second baby for a while, but for her third I was happy to be at the hospital. I was actually joyful for the birth of this child and it was on that day, holding that sweet newborn baby girl in my arms I knew that adoption would be amazing for me as a path to motherhood. I was just blown away that if someone offered me that kind of amazing gift . . . my heart would fall in love instantly and know no way of turning back!!!!

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  9. I’m so sorry. You know what you have to do. Even if she is super busy and doesn’t notice that you haven’t yet come to visit, you will know (and know the why) and be harder on yourself than she ever could. You could put it off a while, but the anticipation of the thing is normally worse than the thing itself. I think the quicker you go to see her and the baby, the sooner you will feel better and (hopefully) find that it isn’t so bad. JMO.

    But do not beat yourself up no matter what! It is natural to feel the way you do. Who hasn’t struggled with jealousy? I’m sure your friend, likewise, has twinges when she is around others in better financial straits. Far better the person who sees it, acknowledges it, and tries to move past it (in whatever way they can . . . it is a process afterall) than the person who chooses to wallow in it . . . (feel free to remind me of this. I need it sometimes).

    Prayers for you tonight.

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  10. Go easy on yourself. I'm still jealous of people who get pregnant without all the drama and/or seem to be in blissful ignorance of all that can go wrong. I also still have a hard time being around newborns too. If she's your bff, then I think you have to find a way to tell her how hard it is on you. You can definitely soft petal it but if she's important to you, then she should know. Hang in there and give yourself permission to feel however you feel. I'm praying for you and sending you big HUGS!

    P.S. I so hate migraine hangovers.

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  11. It's tough but it's real life.A good heart to heart might help since she's your best friend and presumably you're supportive of each other.
    By the way all your girls going through expensive and seemingly endless cycles of testing etc with no results, find yourselves a good acupuncturist and have some treatments.It works.

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  12. Maybe you could just tell her? You're happy for her, but can't deal with newborns right now. You're there for her if she wants to talk - but not about the baby. And you brought presents, a clear sign of good will. Maybe you could meet her out for a cup of coffee in the evening and hand the presents over while her husband watches the kids. Resume normal relations as soon as you can (not sooner), but be up-front that you don't want to see the baby. Otherwise she'll torture you with it, and you'll have to make up excuses. If she's your best friend, and you really resent the baby, faking it will just bury resentments until you don't like her all that much any more and you're no longer close.

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  13. hang in there, no fantastic assvice, but a whole lotta good thoughts heading your way.

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  14. This definitely sucks (and is a blessing all at once - oh, the irony). My advice is to focus on the older kids - you can help her and not be as involved with the newborn. BTW, my best friend had her second child in January and then had her hubby "snipped" - she just couldn't handle more. Life is not fair, but God is. We just need to be patient.

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  15. God, I soooooooo know how you feel, I dedicated many many blogs to this subject in particular!!
    Ugh...
    It's really really tough to see other people get the one thing in the world that you want -- it's just so unfair.
    www.wishtobeamommy.com

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  16. I wish I had the magic answer for you but I don't. (because in my mind the magic answer is for all of us to just get pregnant already!! Dang it!)

    But in the meantime ...

    I think we just have to take it one infertile day at a time. And those days hurt. like. he**. I don't have to tell you that.

    You are a very, very generous person and in this situation true generosity might mean putting her first, as painful as that is. But I would be honest with her too, about how being around new moms and newborns and pregnant bellies is painful. (since she's your best friend she will understand ...)

    Hang in there and remember you are not alone!!!

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