What to do????

I don't know if you remember my maid of honour. She's pregnant with her second, despite swearing up and down that she didn't want another child AND her husband "made her get an IUD."

[sigh]

So she's due in May (at least that's what my mother said, she's friends with my MOH's mom as well). She hasn't exactly told me that she's expecting, and Mr. JB and I are no longer invited to her family's parties (I guess that's what happens when one is barren). Well, she called me earlier in the year and then she left a voicemail message on my cell phone yesterday.

I really don't want to call her.

I know that I have to get past my feelings of jealousy. I also know that I have to forgive the fact that she is a coward and couldn't bring herself to give me her news herself. My fertile best friend cried when she told me that she was expecting and I know that she struggled with telling me (she went as far as asking a formerly IF colleague what she should do). But in the end she told me and I didn't find out by accident or from someone else.

I have to be the bigger person in this situation, I know, but I'm so tired of having to be the bigger person.

What do I do? How do I approach this?

Oh Lord, I thought that going to Confession was going to help tonight, but it hasn't.

Help!

Can my life get any busier?

Life has been nuts!

I attended a conference Friday and Saturday which was great, but it left me completely exhausted. It's so hard to pay attention and listen for two days! I did learn a ton and I have some great ideas that I can implement in my class AND I got some cool stuff for my class. Lucky ducks!

I also went to the Y.oga S.how today and I got some really good, well-priced yoga clothes (well, I can wear some of it out and about, but I can wear the stuff OVER my yoga clothes!).

Needless to say it was an expensive weekend, so I have to reign in the spending when we head to Montreal for Easter. Thank God we didn't do a lot of shopping while in Arizona! The only thing that I want to buy next weekend are a pair of yoga jeans -- yes ladies, jeans that are as comfy as yoga pants (or so they say). I'm going to try them on to see how great they are, then I'll see if I make the $100 investment.

In cycle news I can definitely tell that my hormones are on an upswing. My skin feels different (more oily which isn't great, but it's the best indication of something happening). I'm also feeling a tiny bit of boob tenderness AND I started to see fertile CM on Friday. Now that my UTI is finally cleared up we have a much better chance. Last month I wasn't really in the mood for much TTC action since I was pretty sore in my ladypart region.

The only negative is that now that I'm back on all of the fertility drugs (well, the F.emara and HCG) I've gained a bit of weight. It also doesn't help that I'm still taking it easy yoga-wise, so I need to start being much more active if I don't want to put on any more poundage. I really noticed it today while trying on yoga clothes which are really form fitting.

Lastly, I met my best friend's new baby yesterday. I didn't hold him since he was asleep for most of the visit and I hung out with the older kids. My bf's daughter asked me why I didn't have any kids and when I answered, "Well if I had kids I wouldn't be able to travel anymore." And she said, "And you wouldn't be able to buy me presents! Well it's okay that you don't have kids!"

I thought it was pretty funny, but it was a great way to deflect from my IF! I hate being called out by a six year old!

I may be barren but....

...at least my colon is happy!!!!

I saw my gastroenterologist this afternoon for my yearly check up and I'm absolutely thrilled with my visit. I've been taking medication to manage my ulcerative colitis for almost five years and since I've been doing well, which we both attribute to going gluten-free AND having the endo removed, she thinks that I may be able to go off of my medication!

WOOHOO!!!!!!

I honestly never thought that it would be possible since five years ago I was so sick. Before our wedding I was on steroids and my UC wasn't being managed well at all. Actually right before Mr. JB proposed I was so sick that I was barely eating and I was disgustingly thin. Since I've been on my current meds my disease has been in remission and I haven't looked back.

So my GI wants me to have a colonoscopy in May to see what's going on and if things are good we're going to wean off of the meds. I'm a little bit hesitant since it took such a long time to find a medication that I wasn't allergic to and that my body responded well to. But my doctor also said that she's had many patients go off of the meds and have gone on to have happy, healthy lives.

I really hope that five years from now I will be able to write about how well my ladyparts work!!!

I'm overjoyed at the thought of being able to take less medicine. I joked with the doctor today about my "old lady pill sorter" and I know that it would only mean three less pills, but it would help!

In cycle news, I'm on CD8 and my spotting has finally stopped. Thank God that it was just light red spotting, no brown in sight!!!! I wish that I would have a shorter cycle, but the past three days have been so light that I've gotten away with just a liner. Honestly, I would be rich if I didn't spend on all of the feminine products in my endo days!

p.s. Are any of you watching P.arenthood??? I'm totally in love with the show! I just watched last night's episode and I thought, "Really? So your new favourite show is about parents?" Ironies of ironies, eh?

Facing My Fear

Miracles of miracles, my fertile best friend called me.

Something that almost never happens, at least since she has starting populating the planet with her ridiculously adorable babies.

Anyhow, she phoned me tonight and we chatted about our trip and a little about the new baby.

We also made a date for me to drop by on Saturday afternoon.

So there.

I'm going to be at a conference Friday and Saturday morning and I'm getting out of attending a birthday party at Mr. JB's cousin's place (yes, the cousin that fed me burnt hot dogs -- and no, I don't think that I will ever let that go!). My excuse is that I'm going to be too tired after being at the conference all morning. There will be pg bellies at the party as well (also there will be NOTHING for me to eat!!!).

I did tell my bff that going to her house is not work, which it isn't. Once I get over the horrible jealousy, I'm sure that I will be okay. I think that it was Sew that said that I have to "fake it til I make it." And that's what I have to do.

This baby is going to be a part of my life, I can't deny it.

And I also know that I will love him as much as I love his sister and brother.

I wonder if she'll notice when I sneak one of the older kids into my purse. The middle one is really cute!

Confessions

Okay girls, I'm in a pickle.

My fertile best friend gave birth to her third (her second child since I've been married) while we were away. I didn't phone her when we got in since I was too busy dealing with a migraine and then I didn't phone yesterday since I had a migraine hang-over.

I called today and thankfully no one answered and I left a message -- she NEVER checks her messages so I'm pretty safe.

I really have no desire to see this baby.

I can't deal with newborns. Especially, the newborn of someone who is so fertile.

I've had nine months to deal with this, I didn't expect to have such a strong reaction.

I did buy the baby (and the other two kids) presents while we were away. I resented having to buy yet another baby present.

I can't help it, I'm human and incredibly jealous.

I just keep on going back to her complaining a few months ago that she wasn't sure if she could handle having another baby (the middle child is about to turn four). I didn't know whether or not to kick her or cry when she said this. Btw, I was sitting beside her.

I know that we all have our crosses to bear. And I don't envy their financial position -- she's the friend who really can't afford to have another child according to the credit card bill that I accidentally saw (really, it was on the kitchen counter while I was making tea, it was unavoidable!). I also know that the birth of this child will plummet her already chaotic house into more chaos.

But, at the bottom of it all, she's my best friend.

She has been with me through so much since we became friends in 1994. And she lives around the corner, I can hide for only so long.

What do I do girls? Help!

Back to Reality

There's nothing like a migraine to welcome you home.

My headache started in Denver (I figure it was due to the altitude) and just got progressively worse after we landed. I discovered, late, that P.ringles contain wheat.

What is up with that?????

Anyhow, I barely ate dinner at my parents' house and as soon as Mr. JB opened the front door of our house I threw up. I spent the rest of the night in bed (well, it was already 11pm, so it worked out) and then I didn't get up until 2pm. Needless to say, I missed mass and most of my last day of vacation. I finally feel like myself, but I have a migraine hangover.

Yuck.

The rest of our vacation went really well. I went to the driving range for the first time and had a great time. We also went to a great outlet mall and I got some really nice stuff for the spring at B.anana Re.public AND a nice rain jacket from C.olumbia. We had a pretty low-key St. Paddy's Day celebration and I did enjoy one glass of wine (the upside of CD2, yay!). We had dinner at Mr. JB's cousin's new home and I ended up falling asleep on the couch while the rest of the family was outside.

Our trip home got to a bumpy start. Stupid A.ir Ca.nada hadn't sent our tickets over to U.nited and so when we tried to check in they didn't see us on their computer, despite having a confirmation number and seats on the plane. They kept on telling us that we were supposed to be on a flight that had left the day before. Yet another reason why we will never fly our national carrier. Thankfully we arrived early enough to get on the phone and straighten things out and we made it to our gate just as we were supposed to board the plane.

So I'm CD6 and I have one more dose of F.emara to take tomorrow night. My cycle lasted 29 days which was 4 days shorter than last month. I also ovulated two days earlier on CD16 than last month. I really hope that my UTI has cleared up and that we can have a fighting chance to get pg. It seems like everything was working against us last cycle!

I have to get to bed. The upside of being bedridden is that I got a lot of rest. I hope that hearing the alarm in the morning isn't too painful!

p.s. I'm so behind in reading and commenting on your blogs. I tried to read as much as I could while we were down south, but it was tough! Hopefully I can catch up this week!

There's always next month....

Okay, so I did get my hopes up.

I'm convinced that my hormone levels were better since I had boob tenderness and I got pimples for the first time since before my first surgery (when I was on HCG and C.lomid).

That's positive, right?

But just like two years ago when we were AZ last, AF came to visit.

I was hoping and praying that this would be the cycle.

But it wasn't to be.

Then again, I am on super-strong antibiotics that I shouldn't get pg on (my GP had her receptionist call me last week to remind me that I shouldn't, I almost laughed then I thought how ironic it would be if I did!). I also think that there may be something else wrong with me since I'm still feeling pain when I pee.

Great, yet another thing to investigate!

Geez ladyparts, can you give me a freaking break here???

Anyhow, I almost wasn't disappointed. Call it woman's intuition, but I knew I was alone in my body. It's not like I know what it feels to be pg, but I think that I would know (I'm also convinced that I haven't been "alone" before, but that's just a hunch, I have no tangible proof).

So I can have a drink or two at our St. Patty's celebration tomorrow and not feel worried. Who knows, I may or may not, I haven't decided.

At least I'm somewhere that's far from home with plenty to distract me, right? The weather has been beautiful and I lay in the sun today reading a book. Life could be much worse!

p.s. My fertile best friend gave birth to her third child yesterday. Yet another blessing in disguise to be far, far away from home. Btw, he was 8 lbs 12 oz! Holy moly!

p.p.s. I had my first coffee drink in EIGHT years today! I went to S.tarbucks with Mr. JB and his family and I had a soy i.ced c.aramel ma.cchiato and it was DELICIOUS!!! I did feel jittery afterwards so I don't think that I'll make a habit of having them, but as a treat once in a while, at least I have the option!

Landed

So after all of the craptasticness of yesterday, today was a great day (aside from getting a slap on the wrist from US customs at the airport because we didn't declare the snacks I had in my bag. Personally the guy was being a bully and a jerk, but we got off with a warning so I guess it could be worse). My carry-on bag was checked as well because the scanner found something "suspicious" but the guy that did the search figures that it was the eye glass cleaner stuff I had in my bag.

Oh well, live and learn, right?

The flight was great. Although we were almost in the very back of the plane, I had a window seat (which I don't always like since I have to get up and pee so often) and the in-flight entertainment rocked! I had the choice of quite a few recent movies and I watched the B.lind S.ide which was fantastic. I found myself crying more than once (yes, infertile girl on fertility drugs, it's pretty easy to make me cry!). Our plane landed half an hour early in Phoenix and we found our way to another terminal to get our bags. They were in plain sight so I let out a big sigh of relief. It was tough being without all of my stuff last night!

Mr. JB's cousin and his family took us to the A.loha F.est (I think that's what it was called!) in Tempe and we had a great time. I was exhausted from all of the traveling and time change (the 5:30 am alarm this morning hurt since it was 4:30 for my body!), but the weather was perfect and I was just so happy to be able to sit in a sun dress and flip flops!

We spent the rest of the evening hanging out at a local pub where I got the news that my favourite NCAA team, D.uke got the #1 seed! Woohoo! What a great way to start off our vacation!

I'm so glad that we're finally here. It's been two years since we visited AZ and I'm ready to do some serious relaxing. It looks like the rest of week is going to beautiful and I ready to soak up all of the vitamin D that I can!

Let's just hope that IF can take a vacation too -- I'm on CD27, and I'm Peak +12. The only thing that I'm feeling right now is a little soreness in the boobs and my sense of smell is driving me nuts! Mr. JB used some old mousse he found in his vanity last night and I wanted to throw him out of the car! I also have some strange pimple action going on -- I NEVER get pimples, but I'm growing a volcano on my chin!

I gotta get to bed. It's only 9:45pm, but I've been away since 5:30am our time. I'm done!

It could be A LOT worse, right?

So I'm not blogging from Phoenix.

Nor am I at the airport.

We're home.

And no we're not exactly happy about it.

Since I'm a pretty strict rule-follower, we were at the airport three and a half hours before our flight (we were told to be there three hours in advance). Mr. JB confirmed our flight, but when we got to the gate the A.ir C.anada lady said that we had to see at the gate if there were seats.

What?????

So we waited in line to be told to wait at the gate only to be to told that we had to get back into the first line. Although the customer service rep was very nice and helpful (I guess she has to deal with stuff like this all the time). We were offered $400 in travel vouchers (not that we ever want to fly on this airline again!) and a free airport limo home and again in the morning for our new flight. They did offer us hotel and meal vouchers, but our house is 20 minutes from the airport and since our luggage is already en route to Arizona, I just wanted to go home, change and sleep in my own bed.

I know that it could be much worse. There was a lady in front of me in line who was trying to make it to Miami for a cruise that was leaving tomorrow at 4pm. Both her and her husband were in the military and they were taking their cute son on vacation. She kept on saying, "At least we have our health" and "It could be a lot worse" in the most sincere way. I felt pretty bad that all I wanted to do was cry (I'm hormonal and on fertility drugs, EVERYTHING makes me cry!).

So hopefully the next time I check in we will be in sunny Arizona. Please say a little prayer for us!

One more sleep!

I'm exhausted and Mr. JB and I still have to pray the rosary before I go to bed, but I just wanted to check in.

So my suitcase is packed and my medication/supplements are all doled out in my "old lady" pill sorter. All I have to do is get a pedicure tomorrow (and I'm taking Mr. JB with me since his feet are gross man feet!) and run to the drug store to pick up some travel-sized deodorant. It seems that all of the travel-sized stuff that I have at home smells nasty!

I so need this vacation. I finally feel like my body belongs to me again and I finally feel well. I know that the sunshine and warm weather is exactly what the doctor ordered. I'm Peak +10 today and I packed all my supplies for AF, just in case she arrives while we're in Arizona. Let's just say that I hope to God that she stays away!

Btw, I didn't have a reaction to the antibiotics. Thank God! I am, however, becoming an eating monster. It must be all of the fertility drugs! I'm not a very big person, but I eat a lot normally. It just seems that I CAN'T STOP EATING! I'm going to take a ton of snacks for the plane tomorrow 'cos I'm scared that I'm going to lose my mind with the non-gluten-free, dairy or egg filled options that they will have for sale on the flight.

Hopefully I get the chance to post tomorrow, if not, I'll blog from the sunny southwest!!!!

Peak +7 Pleasure

I never, ever thought that I would ever want to blog about having an incredibly pleasant blood drawing experience!

Remember a month ago when I had to get blood drawn a month ago? Well, when I was speaking to the customer service people I found out that there's a lab much closer to my school. So that's where I headed after work today and I have to say that it was great!

First off, the lab is so much bigger than the "ghetto" lab that I usually go to. There were lots of chairs to sit in (not that I needed) and the waiting area was nice, clean and uncluttered. At the ghetto lab there are about six chairs that are so close together that I feel uncomfortable sitting next to people.

Secondly, there was hardly a wait. When I was checked in I was told to go to the back and to sit in one of the cubicles and instead of three cramped ones, there were FIVE! And they weren't little cubicles, they were PALATIAL in comparison to the ghetto lab's.

Thirdly, the technician remembered me from the ghetto lab! I try to make small talk with the techs since I'm so scared and I guess they appreciate having nice and polite people as patients. I guess it helps that I always ask them how they're doing AND that it was absolutely gorgeous outside! Anyhow, the technician and I talked about how much nicer this lab was than other one. She also mentioned that the next time I have to get blood work done and it's really busy (like on a Saturday) that I should mention her name and that she would take me right away!

I never thought that I would appreciate having connections at the local lab, but I am now!

And to top it all off, it didn't hurt a bit. The technician used a butterfly needle and I didn't even have to ask! Woot woot!

I guess having to deal with IF for this long has made me excited about the strangest things, eh?

Btw, only four more sleeps until we leave for Arizona!

p.s. I haven't had any reaction to the new antibiotics, let's hope it stays that way!

The Case of the Persistent UTI

So I am now on round two of antibiotics. My GP figures that the bacteria was resistant to the Z.ithromax and now I'm on L.evaquin (which shouldn't be taken during pregnancy, or at least there hasn't been any conclusive research on the drug and pregnancy). I mentioned to my doctor that we are actively trying and that I'm just six days past ovulation so she wouldn't be able to check whether or not I'm pg. She wanted to take a urine sample, but I told her that I was on HCG injections so I didn't want to waste a false positive (I really didn't want my first positive EVER to be a fake one!).

My GP reminded me that since I've had this UTI for almost a month that she didn't want to waste time and that the benefits definitely outweigh the risks. She reminded me about kidney failure and she also didn't want me to be hospitalized while in Arizona.

I thought that it was pretty funny 'cos she was asking me if I felt different (meaning: did I feel pg?). Honestly, I wanted to sock her! Aside from wanting to eat lots of chocolate (which really isn't out of the ordinary for me!), nothing is different.

My biggest worry is that I will have an allergic reaction to these antibiotics. After my experience with the horrible reaction that I had to the medication for the pelvic abscess I am just petrified that I'm going to be sick again. I took the medication at 7pm and it's almost 8:30pm and I'm feeling okay (aside from a tiny bit of nausea).

Honestly, I am just SICK AND TIRED of my ladyparts not behaving! The UTI has given me some serious pelvic pain, not to mention the pain when I go to the bathroom. I'm almost scared to pee first thing in the morning 'cos I'm scared of the pain! I'm also so sick of having to drink bitter cranberry juice. I wasn't really a fan to begin with and now I'm forcing it down my throat at least twice a day. We were at a party on Saturday night and I had some mixed with some club soda and it didn't make it any better.

Argh.

On a brighter note: we leave for Arizona on Saturday and I can't wait! I bought some new (non-winter) pyjamas and a couple of cute tops yesterday. I am so looking forward to wearing flip flops and shorts! The weather has been super around here and today it was well above freezing (14C to be exact!) and I really can't complain. The last time we headed to AZ for March Break we got absolutely hammered with snow. I think that I can count the times Mr. JB shoveled this past winter!

I need to get ready for bed. We stayed up to watch the O.scars last night and I'm exhausted! Please say a prayer that these new antibiotics don't make me sick!

[Insert sigh of relief here]

My report cards are done.

Woohoo!!!

I hate this time of year since it makes me so grumpy to have to assign grades to the little, tiny people in my class. I would much rather write a paragraph or have a meeting with each of the parents to discuss their kid. Instead, I have to write horribly impersonal comments that are full of educational jargon that doesn't make sense.

Anyhow, the most important things is that I'M DONE! Praise Jesus! I will have to do corrections and my principal will read them and make me correct stuff, but that's the easy part.

Another reason why I'm feeling so relieved is that this time next week we'll be in Arizona! Although today was a beautiful sunny day, I still couldn't wear shorts or flip flops. I can't wait to be in the warm sunshine in the company of Mr. JB's wonderful relatives.

In cycle news, it's Peak +5 and I'm mentally preparing myself for my HCG needle. It just worked out that I won't have to travel with needles, which really worried me. The last time we were in Arizona we had just started with Napro and my period was so wonky. I really hope that this visit will be punctuated with something a little more hopeful. In other words, I really hope that AF doesn't show up! ;)

Mr GP called on Friday and I have to call tomorrow. I'm assuming that my urine sample showed that I do have a UTI. I've been feeling strange pain in my ladyparts and I can only attribute it to an infection. I really hope that it is, because I really don't want anything to be wrong!

Gotta get back to the O.scars. We've hardly seen any movies this past year since the O.lympics took up all of our movie-watching time! We did see A.vatar yesterday and Mr. JB and I think that it shouldn't get best picture. I do love to watch to see what the actresses are wearing -- oh to be a glamorous movie star!

Be careful what you wish for...

I don't usually wish for lower back pain. I've had back issues ever since I had a car accident in 2002 so I've dealt with pain for a long time. Before that I had carpal tunnel in my right wrist and shoulder issues. Needless to say, I've made my chiropractor A LOT of money!

My lower back has been been tender all day and I'm 100% certain that I have a UTI. I have no idea when my GP is going to call me with the results of my urine sample, but since she said that she sent the sample to the lab to see if it grows the same bacteria that it did the last time, I don't expect it until early next week. I've been drinking pure cranberry juice (yup, the unsweetened kind) and lots of water and it still hurts.

Argh.

On a brighter note: The superintendent of program for my school board visited my class today and she was so impressed with my class! From what I hear she's a pretty tough person to please, so we must've done a good job. Yay!

This afternoon at last recess my principal and VP mentioned that the superintendent of our family of schools was in the building. They both said that she was asking about me! How cool is that? I wrote a blurb about my rosary club at the school and she told me how happy she was that I was running it. I guess someone from the admin of my school has been saying good things about me!

I need to get to bed. Hopefully my back feels better tomorrow. :(

It's back

My bladder infection, that is.

I thought that the five day course of antibiotics was going to do the trick, but considering the pain when I pee and the lower back pain, I don't think that it did. I went to see my GP this afternoon and she had me give her a urine sample, but she wanted to see what the lab has to say. I've loaded up on some cranberry juice and I drank lots of water today, but to no avail.

My birthday party was fun, considering the circumstances. It was quieter than usual and it went well, with the exception of my friend bringing her baby two HOURS after her bedtime. She spent the entire time crying.

Yes, great fun for an infertile.

Our friends that we traveled Europe with came over early so we could have a visit before the party started. They left at little M's bedtime so they wouldn't have to deal with his crying. I wish that my other friend was that considerate. Two other friends left their kids at home with their husbands which I thought was really cool.

Mr. JB and I are still basking in the stellar hockey game win by Team Canada. It was truly a nail-biter and a fantastic game to watch. I'm so glad that we had a day off of school to write report cards 'cos we were up late watching the closing ceremonies. Since the night before was so late we both ended up falling asleep!

In cycle news it's CD15 and I'm seeing nice fertile CM. I've been eating ground flax seed to help with estrogen production and I definitely think it helped (along with the F.emara). I'm definitely feeling strange twinges in my pelvis. I keep on visualizing nice happy follicles that are nice and plump from the F.emara. Mr. JB is feeling extra positive about this cycle for some reason and he has promised to do his part for the team (tee hee).

Off to watch B.ig L.ove, who has a character that is experiencing secondary IF. Seems like us infertiles are infiltrating mass media! ;)