10 February 2010

One step forward, seemingly a hundred back

I wish I was feeling more positive about my doctor's visit.

Let's just say that we had to go to I.kea to cheer me up and that didn't even work! Mr. JB was angelic while we walked through the store and he didn't even complain when I went back to check if the baskets I needed were in another part of the store (they weren't, they're sold out, argh!). He even patiently went through the kitchen section with me and admired the no-slam drawers (which I was so badly!).

Anyhow, back to business.

Thankfully our wait wasn't too long. I was prepared with my favourite decorating magazine so I was actually a bit disappointed when we were called in so soon (Am I the only one that feels like this in the waiting room????)! So Dr. T looked at my chart and then reviewed my Peak +7 bloodwork from this month and last. Apparently this month's levels were still low whereas last month's were really good (I didn't think that I ovulated, but I could've had a yeast infection, there's no real way to tell). She was also surprised that I was spotting around ovulation since that would be an indication of lower estrogen levels, but last month my hormone levels were good. She seemed genuinely surprised that my hormone levels post-peak weren't better since I was on F.emara (I didn't get in trouble, she was happy that I took the meds!).

I also asked her about getting tested for MTHMFR, but since I don't have a history of miscarriage. She also said that the testing isn't covered by our provincial health care, so at this time she doesn't think that testing for it is necessary. What she does want me to research is the "I.mmupro 100" test. She talked about some of her Napro colleagues that are researching the connection between food sensitivities and infertility. She said that she hasn't seen an increase of pregnancies with her patients that have done the testing, but she said that it couldn't hurt. I also mentioned to her that I'm going to see my naturopath on Friday and that I would mention the testing to her. We just walked in the door so I didn't even get the chance to google "I.mupro 100."

So I'm figuring that this cycle is a bust, but I was too scared to ask her. I couldn't handle any more bad news.

What Dr. T does want me to do for my next cycle is to double my dose of F.emara. I asked her why she put me on an ovulation induction drug when we know from my u/s series from way back that I do ovulate. She explained that it helps the follicle quality and that there would be a better chance of having multiple follicles than I would without the F.emara. She also said that it helped with the post-peak hormone levels (which is why she was surprised that my levels were so low this cycle).

Dr. T also explained that stress can really effect hormone levels and all of you know that I've had a pretty stressful month and a half (remember all of the illness and death that seems to be hovering around our house?). It's obvious that my body is reacting to all of my life stresses. Another thing that she wants me to do is repeat the u/s series that I did when I first started seeing her two years ago, but that's going to have to wait until the summer. We're going to try the double dose of F.emara for two cycles and then we're going to see what happens.

On Monday evening I saw my chiropractor and she mentioned that my lower back problems are most likely due to healing from my surgery and subsequent abscess. She thinks that my body just isn't ready to conceive yet -- which is something that I wasn't 100% prepared to hear, since she is right. I'm back to wanting to force my body into doing something that it isn't ready to do.

I know that I tried to set myself up for disappointment so soon after my period starting again. Although it has been seven months since my surgery, it has only been three since my period started and really only two since the abscess has been gone. I wish that I could have the belief that both my Napro doctor and chiropractor have in my ability to conceive.

Right now I feel so defeated. I always hope that she's going to give me stellar news that I've been miraculously cured and that we have finally conceived. Alas, not at this visit.

I'm tired of being infertile and broken. It also didn't help that there were so many pg women, babies and kids at I.kea.

My head hurts. I need to eat some ice cream or something.

17 comments:

  1. I just want to reach into my computer and give you a big hug.

    For what it's worth, infertility counseling has done a lot to help me manage stress (IF stress and just regular life stress). Ice cream always works ;)

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  2. We have to get together so I can lend you the best infertilty book (conquering infertility) totally changed my life.
    1st line response to infertility is increase the egg production (femera or clomid) so it's a good thing to take those!

    Ikea depresses me it is so the home of all the knocked up women and large families and women screeming at their children....

    hugs.

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  3. No, no, stay positive! You are totally right to believe that your NaPro doc and naturopath can heal your infertility. Stay the course girl! I just conceived on Clomid and I truly truly believe that those drugs totally improve the quality of the follicle AND improve your hormone levels big time. It was like magic for me! Double that dose and keep your head up! Praying for you!

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  4. So sorry today was so rough! :-( Hang in there.

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  5. Big hugs for you tonight! I think you need to have a special day for you-massage, ice cream, whatever it is that makes you feel good and special!!! Sometimes I think we forget about us during all this madness.

    It's all so frustrating. I am so sorry!

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  6. It seems that so many people have recommended ice cream or chocolate as a coping technique. I did get some Girl Scout cookies today, but I don't know if you have those in Canada! Do you? I think it's an American thing, but it could have crossed the borders.

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  7. it's been a rough time for you ((hugs)) I hope things start looking up soon!

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  8. I am was so sad to read of your sadness and heavy heart. I do wish something beautiful is on the horizon!

    Praying, as always.

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  9. I was also told the same thing from my NaPro Dr about the testing for MTHFR. I left it alone, but then a few months later really urged her to order it, she did, and later said, "Hm, maybe I should test more of my IF patients for this..."

    My line of thinking is, why wait to have a loss to find out you possibly could have prevented it? I hope that NaPro makes the move in the future to do this testing for all their IF patients (not just recurrent m/c patients).

    I'm sorry you're so down. I'm there with ya. Hopefully spring will be a new awakening for us. Now only if it would come quicker.

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  10. My dr. is also really positive about me getting pregnant, and some days I just can't see why. I just can't imagine anything different from what I know every month - disappointment and despair.
    I've tried more recently to keep a more positive outlook, and I think it's been helpful overall - even just for my mental health. Stress is a killer on the hormones, that's for sure!
    Weird, I used to get super excited about Ikea trips too, but have been a little put off by all the pregnant bellies and babies I've seen there lately. I hope you get your hands on some ice cream or something comforting :). You deserve a little treat!

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  11. Here's a hug and some prayers! It is serious if even Ik.ea cannot cheer you up - hopefully the ice cream will work.

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  12. Ugh. I understand this feeling!

    Yes it is very good to remember that you are really still very early in all of this. Because we live in two week increments, that is easy to lose sight of.

    Even Dr. S reminded me that we are still early, and need to give my body more time to get itself sorted out!

    But I still am so very hopeful for you, and you are right where you need to be right now.

    I think increasing your dose of Femara sounds like a stellar idea, and I just know those hormones will get in line next cycle so that is something to look forward to!

    Even after our cycles begin to look normal, it can still take a very long time to conceive.

    Or not. (which is what I'm praying for in your case bc you've waited plenty long enough!!!)

    I try to avoid places where pregnant women flock to, even still. I don't think I will ever feel comfortable in a room full of fertiles.

    I hope and pray that the next cycle will not be stressful for you, and that you can really allow yourself to heal in the ways you need. You are on the right track!!

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  13. Bonjour! I am in Switzerland (near Geneva) this week so I am practicing my french (which is really non-existent)...anyway it made me think of you! I am sorry you had a rough dr. appt. I seem to have this notion that doctors should be able to "fix" whatever is wrong with me and the fact that it is taking longer than expected...well, that is downright frustrating! (I figure - they got me through cancer, how hard could it be to cure infertility)..Ha, ha...I can just hear God laughing at all my dumb assumptions! :) Anyway, I will pray for you and in the absence of Nutella, maybe you can have some dairy free ice cream? :)

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  14. I'm sorry you are feeling down. I hope the femara helps you levels soon. If your doctors are hopeful you can conceive, that's a great sign. It sucks that you've had so much in the past year that has prevented you from even trying. I hope your waiting is over soon. I'll be praying for you.

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  15. JB, push for the MTHFR test if you want it. My OB, who I went back to in December to have her make sure there wasn't anything my RE had missed, ran a battery of blood tests including the one for MTFHR. It didn't cost extra (I'm in T.O. as well) so I'm not sure what your Napro doctor had in mind. Regardless, it turns out that I'm heterozygous for MTHFR. It's not necessarily and answer for me, but it's a possible reason we haven't been successful, so I'm now on 5MG of folic acid daily. This is my post with the list of blood tests she sent me for http://baby-wanted-apply-within.blogspot.com/2009/10/doctor-visit-update.html

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  16. Pam,
    Sorry if this seems nosey, but I just noticed your reply here and thought I'd direct you to a good prenatal vitamin called NEEVO (they have a website). By supplementing extra folic acid, MTHFR-ers aren't really helping anything, because we have difficulties in breaking DOWN the folic acid into the form that is usable by the body (L-methylfolate). NEEVO, along with Metanx, have the actual "L-methylfolate" ingredient, and not folic acid.
    Also, you should be on a baby aspirin daily, 81 mgs. In the future you may possibly need more aggressive anticoagulant therapy, but definately ask your Dr if you can start the baby aspirin now.

    Hope you don't mind me butting in ;) Fellow MTHFR-er, here.

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  17. Ive been trying to catch you on MSN so we could have a chat, but I keep missing you. Stay strong- I had an appt with Dr.T and felt totally overwhelmed too.. I know your heart.
    <3 Jessica

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