15 February 2010

Hiding Out

I just haven't had any energy or intention to blog.

I think that I have completely digested the disappointment of having yet another cycle go bust (yes, I woke up this morning to CD1, woohoo!). I have also been trying hard to be positive since really we have only been TTC with my newly overhauled ladyparts for three cycles (and really, the first cycle didn't count since I was on the abscess killing antibiotics and I was basically unmedicated). I wish that I had a way to erase the past four years of disappointment because if it wasn't for the history of months and months of sadness, I would be okay.

Now that's a strange sentence, isn't it?

If I could erase my memory I would be okay. What a novel idea!

Anyhow, a couple of days ago I remember something that Dr. T told us at my appointment. She was reading over my surgeon's notes about my procedure in August because she wanted to make sure that my tubes were clear (they always were, according to the HSG that I had WAY back in 2006, but one never knows, right?), which they still are. The problem with my tubes, well in particular my right tube, was the fact that it was obscured by adhesions and that it was all twisted. When my surgeon removed the adhesions my tube went back into place (I picture it just springing back into where it was supposed to be, but I have no idea if it works that way!). Dr. T found in my surgeons notes that my tubes were clear, but she did find something that made me quite sad.

The surgeon removed three uterine fibroids and one endometrioma and because of where the fibroids were he recommended that when I get pregnant that I would have to have a c-section.

Ouch.

I know that the pregnancy and birth experience has not what I've planned -- I obviously wouldn't have planned the sheer lack of both for so long, I'm not a sadist, you know. But I have imagined that I would be able to limit the medical intervention after I finally got pregnant. I thought that I would be able to have a midwife and perhaps a doula and that I would be able to do things as naturally as possible (except for the homebirth, Mr. JB is totally against that). I do have to admit that I feel a little robbed. Not only have I had to endure the pain and sadness of IF, but I also have no hope of being all crunchy granola about my birth process.

And yes, have yet another surgery.

On the bright side, I figure that my surgeon will also be my ob/gyn, I like him and he also works at a highly respected Catholic hospital. But that isn't much of a consolation. The paradigm shift that I have to make to accept this news is pretty tough, but really I know that I'm putting the cart well before the horse.

I was born by c-section, so was Mr. JB and his brother. There is nothing wrong with having c-sections, but it's just not what I wanted for me. Oh well, one more thing to mourn.

I really need Lent to start. I'm feeling quite angry and sad right now so I'm finding it so hard to figure out thing to give up. I feel like I've given up so much already. Mr. JB and I are going to say the rosary together every night (we say it at school with the kids, but we've never prayed it together, how crazy is that?). We're also going to go to mass and the Stations of the Cross on Friday nights. I'm going to give up pop and candy (but not chocolate, I just can't). I'm also going to limit my computer time since I just waste so much of it on FB!

I need some serious healing, physically and spiritually. I hope that the next 4o days will make me a stronger, more faithful person, because I've been lacking in both. God please help me!

16 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for this news. No matter what the consolations, our ideals are hard to shake when we're told they can't happen. Did they "recommend" a c-section or basically tell you you had to?

    Also, I think just from reading your blog these past months, that you already ARE strong in your faith! You're an inspiration to many of us readers.

    I'll pray for you as lent approaches, that your sadness will lift soon. Pray for me too :)

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  2. Oh JB, I'm sorry about CD1 and the possible need for c-section. I do know that some uterine surgeries make it really risky to try vaginal birth. Maybe you could get a second opinion to make sure that you really are one of those cases?? Regardless, I'm sorry you got hit with another punch in the gut. I just don't understand God's purpose in all these barriers for you. I'm praying for you.

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  3. I'm going to be giving some stuff up, but as a way to help me focus on the spirit... Maybe a devotion instead of a deprivation would be more healing? Just a thought...

    I completely hear the sorrow of looking forward to a less-than-ideal birth situation. First, I wanted to shout that you get a second opinion. Seriously, if you want at least a trial of labor, find someone willing to give it a shot. Second, I wanted to give you a hug and let you know that no matter what, you can find a way to have a wonderful birth. I'm sure of it.

    I think I leaped into treatment finally after my polyps were removed because I was just so emotionally drained after years of watching my diet, taking herbs and meds, and being seriously depressed. I just wanted something to change. So I related utterly to your fatigue.

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  4. Definitely, get a second opinion. But as I told The Peace of Christ, what matters in the end is getting that healthy baby (or babies!) safely out into your healthy arms. I had a c-section (not planned), but when the time comes, you'll be so excited to meet that baby, no matter how he or she arrives.

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  5. I am very sorry that you are going through yet another setback. I can't imagine dealing with all this news, although maybe I would have had I investigated more thoroughly why I couldn't get pregnant.

    I hope this lent brings you what you need. Are you participating in Sew's prayer buddies? This will be my first time.

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  6. Goodness, what's a girl got to do to get some good news? Isn't it so hard to be cheerful, thankful despite having to alter our life-plans? Sometimes I think surely I have suffered enough!!! Not so, apparently. I am still very hopeful for you and I hope and pray that your joy is complete one day soon and that your dancing after this mourning will be a celebration that you remember for a lifetime!!!

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  7. JB - I am sorry about this news but am lifted up by the underlying current of optimism and hope that you continue to have. I am praying that Lent will bring you a greater sense of peace.

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  8. Heya
    Could you check FB for me? I just sent you a message :)
    Im sorry about cd 1, but I agree, you are strong and inspiring.. <3

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  9. *hugs* Hang in there hon. After reading your blog for awhile now you are one of the most centered and strong ladies I "know." Take care and God Bless.

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  10. Sorry about the news. What a bummer. I'm hoping your Easter season really rocks, since the time prior to lent has been so "lent-ish!"

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  11. Ugh... I am so with you. I've been really down lately and feeling extra barren. I'm praying that this Lent is fruitful for all of us.

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  12. I'm sorry about AF. That's always disappointing.

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  13. I know exactly what you mean. I have restarted our TTC clock with each surgery, but can't seem to restart my internal clock the same way. If there was a way to erase the memories of month after month of heartache, I'd be on board with that!

    I'm hoping that the c-section comment was just a recommendation and not a hard and fast MUST happen! I'd be horribly disappointed as well! It just doesn't seem fair that after waiting for so long to finally get pregnant that you wouldn't get to have the birth you always dreamed of...

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  14. It's just adds insult to injury, doesn't it? You can't have a baby WHEN you want and now (at least 1 dr. opines) that you can't have a baby in the WAY you want to. I hope the time comes soon and maybe another Dr. will think differently.

    I hope you (and all of us) have a fruitful lenten season.

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  15. I'm a birth junkie, and having uterine surgery does *not* preclude having a vaginal birth - it just means precautions should be taken as with a VBAC. (No pitocin induction, etc.)

    Not only that, doulas are *highly* recommended for even C Section. After baby is born and Daddy is with him/her, you need someone focused on you while you are stitched up, etc.
    Doulas can help A LOT for intervention-laden births.
    Like a few others said, get a second opinion, talk to a local midwife, etc.
    Section is a major abdominal surgery with more risks than a vaginal birth and it's normal (and smart!) that you want to avoid that if possible.

    I had to come to terms with the 'what-ifs' about it too, because not only do I have a fear of hospitals following a terribly tragic experience as a 13 year old, I am also TERRIFIED of being cut in any way, shape, or form, to the point of phobia.
    It helped to talk to my BFF, who had an amazing C Section with a scar so low and tiny she can still wear a bikini, an easy recovery time, etc. It all depends on how you take care of yourself, and you can be as crunchy as you want in that department.

    Sorry about stinkin' CD1.
    :(

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  16. Article about vaginal birth after a uterine surgery:

    http://en.allexperts.com/q/Childbirth-3495/2009/4/Vaginal-birth-abdominal-myomectomy.htm

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