Hiding Out

I just haven't had any energy or intention to blog.

I think that I have completely digested the disappointment of having yet another cycle go bust (yes, I woke up this morning to CD1, woohoo!). I have also been trying hard to be positive since really we have only been TTC with my newly overhauled ladyparts for three cycles (and really, the first cycle didn't count since I was on the abscess killing antibiotics and I was basically unmedicated). I wish that I had a way to erase the past four years of disappointment because if it wasn't for the history of months and months of sadness, I would be okay.

Now that's a strange sentence, isn't it?

If I could erase my memory I would be okay. What a novel idea!

Anyhow, a couple of days ago I remember something that Dr. T told us at my appointment. She was reading over my surgeon's notes about my procedure in August because she wanted to make sure that my tubes were clear (they always were, according to the HSG that I had WAY back in 2006, but one never knows, right?), which they still are. The problem with my tubes, well in particular my right tube, was the fact that it was obscured by adhesions and that it was all twisted. When my surgeon removed the adhesions my tube went back into place (I picture it just springing back into where it was supposed to be, but I have no idea if it works that way!). Dr. T found in my surgeons notes that my tubes were clear, but she did find something that made me quite sad.

The surgeon removed three uterine fibroids and one endometrioma and because of where the fibroids were he recommended that when I get pregnant that I would have to have a c-section.

Ouch.

I know that the pregnancy and birth experience has not what I've planned -- I obviously wouldn't have planned the sheer lack of both for so long, I'm not a sadist, you know. But I have imagined that I would be able to limit the medical intervention after I finally got pregnant. I thought that I would be able to have a midwife and perhaps a doula and that I would be able to do things as naturally as possible (except for the homebirth, Mr. JB is totally against that). I do have to admit that I feel a little robbed. Not only have I had to endure the pain and sadness of IF, but I also have no hope of being all crunchy granola about my birth process.

And yes, have yet another surgery.

On the bright side, I figure that my surgeon will also be my ob/gyn, I like him and he also works at a highly respected Catholic hospital. But that isn't much of a consolation. The paradigm shift that I have to make to accept this news is pretty tough, but really I know that I'm putting the cart well before the horse.

I was born by c-section, so was Mr. JB and his brother. There is nothing wrong with having c-sections, but it's just not what I wanted for me. Oh well, one more thing to mourn.

I really need Lent to start. I'm feeling quite angry and sad right now so I'm finding it so hard to figure out thing to give up. I feel like I've given up so much already. Mr. JB and I are going to say the rosary together every night (we say it at school with the kids, but we've never prayed it together, how crazy is that?). We're also going to go to mass and the Stations of the Cross on Friday nights. I'm going to give up pop and candy (but not chocolate, I just can't). I'm also going to limit my computer time since I just waste so much of it on FB!

I need some serious healing, physically and spiritually. I hope that the next 4o days will make me a stronger, more faithful person, because I've been lacking in both. God please help me!