Brown

As in spotting.

It was all too good to be true. 

I'm sure AF will be here momentarily. 

Oh well, there's always next month.

Hah! [insert sarcastic laugh here]

15

We just got home from a visit with our fabulous Dr. T. Not only did we have the shortest wait ever, we also had a very productive visit. She's pleased that my lap has been booked for April 7th, especially since it's during Holy Week. She is also very happy that my hormone levels were great this month! My progesterone was 89.7 (at least that's what I think was on the lab report) and my estrogen levels were also really good. Apparently my levels for December were much lower and that this cycle was perfect!

I've never had a perfect cycle before! Woohoo!

She was going to do a procedure on my cervix to help alleviate all of the 10SL (shiny, with lubrication) days after my peak day, but she didn't want to today because it's peak +15 and I haven't gotten my period yet. If my chart is correct I ovulated on day 17 of my cycle. I'm trying very, very hard not to get my hopes up, and she didn't want to do a urine test since she didn't want to get a false positive (even though the last HCG shot was last Saturday).

I definitely couldn't handle a false positive at this point.

So I'm crossing my fingers, toes, eyes and everything else I can to make it until Saturday for my Peak +17 blood test. Dr. T said that she'd get the results by Monday and that she would call me. If I make it that far I'm totally going to buy a POS test so I can know for myself.

The only symptoms I have right now are sore boobs, extreme tiredness, a little bloating, and a little nausea. I also feel all of these symptoms when I'm PMSing, so at this point I have no idea what is going on.

I'm trying to prepare myself for disappointment and every time I go to the bathroom I'm preparing myself to see Aunt Flo rear her ugly head. The disappointment is almost easier to take then feeling optimistic. I spent the first year of TTC getting my hopes up every month and then having them dashed over and over again.

Cross your fingers and say your prayers. Could this be it?

-----------------------------------------------------------------
p.s. We had a fantastic dinner last night at our local French restaurant. My dinner was DELICIOUS!!!! I had my favourite foie gras appetizer and mussels and fries for dinner. Yum! It was also a day off of school for the kids and we had a workshop at school to do, but the weather was bad so we were sent home early! Mr. JB also got me a beautiful chain for a cross pendant that he got me a few years ago (the chain it came with kept on breaking so I needed a better quality one so I could wear it) and a set of R.ubbermaid containers for my lunch (we're always fighting over the containers in our house and he promised that he would not touch my new red-topped ones! And to top it off he hid a trashy magazine (yes girls, I love reading US!) under my pillow so I got one last present before I went to bed.

My hubby is the best!

p.p.s. I bought legwarmers today. I figure we've gotten about 15 cm of snow in the past two days and I deserve to have warm calves!

p.p.p.s. Thank you all for your kind birthday wishes!

Thirty-four Eve

I've been neglecting my blog. Since my appointment with Dr. I last week I've just been too tired to be creative -- I'm blaming the January blahs.

In my part of the world we've been in a deep freeze which means that my students haven't been going out for recess. Having 20 six year olds in a classroom all day without the chance to burn off steam is torture for a teacher. I realize that it is inhumane to send them outside when it's -20C, and really so many of my students beg to stay in because there really isn't anything for them to do and they'd much rather stay in a draw a picture.

I've also been trying to digest the reality of having my surgery date set. Some days April 7th seems like light years away, other days it feels right around the corner. If I had my choice I'd have it done next week, but I'm sure that in the grand scheme of things waiting another three months after already waiting three and a half years, is nothing!

I'm on day 30 of my cycle and I've been quietly wishing that we "snuck one past the goalie." I've been really tired (I feel asleep on the way to the movie theatre tonight, we saw The Wrestler which was really good), my boobs are sore, I'm grumpy and I've also been crazy thirsty. My symptoms could be PMS, I know. Like I said, it's hard to get one's hopes up after so many years of disappointment. I'm sure that Aunt Flo will show up tomorrow all cheery and happy to see me.

Have I ever mentioned that my favourite colour is red?

Irony of ironies.

I'm quietly wishing that for once I'll get the best birthday present tomorrow and not get my period. You see I turn 34 tomorrow and I've never wanted anything so badly in my entire life. I'm trying not to think about how many years we've been trying to make a baby JellyBelly. I'm also trying not to think of the scary 35 that is coming up as well. I know that many, many women conceive well into their 40s. My Creighton practitioner had her first at 38! My grandmother had her last at 45. Really, I'm not that old.

I thought that 33 was going to be our lucky year. Then again, I thought that 32 and 31 were going to be equally lucky, but they weren't. In retrospect I know that we made more progress in the past year than we had the first two we were trying. We attended our Introductory Session at the Marguerite Bourgeoys Family Centre on February 7th. In under a year my low progesterone, ureaplasma, and endometriosis were all diagnosed.

Unexplained infertility my a$#!

I'm looking forward to celebrating tomorrow (especially since it's a Professional Activity Day so I don't have to teach AND I'm going out for lunch with my teacher buddies). Mr. JB is taking me to a local French restaurant and I'm sure that I'm going to get some really good presents tomorrow (my list was very specific!). I'm throwing myself a birthday party on Saturday and I'm going to see so many friends that I haven't seen since last year. It's an excuse to break out my chocolate fountain AND instead of presents I asked for donations to our local food bank. And to top it off S.tarbucks is giving away free oatmeal tomorrow!

I decided that my birthday present to myself is to look forward. Good things are coming in my future. I will have so many of my questions answered, and perhaps we will make that baby JellyBelly after all.

My lucky number is 4. Is 34 a good omen?

I'm deciding yes.

April 7th

So there it is folks, my surgery date is set.

I'm absolutely exhausted and ER is on, I'll post more later.

I believe that it is not a coincidence that my surgery is during Holy Week.

I have a feeling that this is it girls, I'm convinced.

:)

100

So here I am folks, my 100th post.

I was hoping for something more poignant and moving, but unfortunately I'm not feeling very creative. Sorry.

First off, I have to apologize to All You Who Hope. I meant to get the B6 in the mail for you this past weekend, but unfortunately my stomach was not cooperating. I spent most of Sunday in bed with horrible stomach cramps. The only thing that I did was go to mass (and was in agonizing pain for most of it) and lie down. Then I was going to try getting it in the mail yesterday, but I work up feeling all clammy and headachy and after I had my breakfast (I was all dressed, made up and ready to go to work) I threw up THREE times. I can't remember the last time this has happened to me.

Needless to say Mr. JB called the secretary of my school and the automated absence taker for my school board to get me a supply teacher. The only good thing about getting sick on a Monday was that my gastroenterologist works out of her office on Mondays and Wednesday only. When I spoke to her fabulous secretary she took pity on me and squeezed me in for an appointment. My GI is a great lady and as soon as I sat down in the exam room I felt better already.

She went over my symptoms and did an examination of my belly and she thinks that it is not colitis related. Thank God! She told me to take milk of magnesia or magnesium citrate to get de-bunged up (that what my doctor said! How funny!). I took it last night and I functioned like a normal human being.

My supply teacher had my class do a journal entry about me being sick. The kids were so excited to see me this morning and it was the first thing that they told me. For some reason since coming back from Christmas vacation the kids have been obsessed with me sleeping. One of the kids even said (in almost perfect French!):

Mme JB a fait dodo hier parce qu'elle est malade (Mme JB slept yesterday because she was sick.).

Not bad since they came to my class in September with no knowledge of the French language at all!

Then of course when I told them what had happened yesterday morning they all had to tell me puke stories! It took quite a while to settle them down, but we finally got to our calendar routine!

I wish that I was feeling more reflective about reaching my 100th post. I'm so grateful that I made the first courageous step of creating my blog. I've been so silent in my real life about my struggles with IF that it's strange that I've created a space where anyone from anywhere can read my most personal thoughts. I've even stopped keeping my own private journal which is quite a feat since I've kept one since the fourth grade!

I hoped a year ago that I would be chronicling my adventures as a mother, or at least as a pregnant woman. I've oscillated between have no hope to having so much. I am also so grateful for my wonderful friends that have given me so much support and advice. I have a special shout out to Aurelia Cotta who recommended the Marguerite Bourgeoys Family Centre to me. If it wasn't for her I don't know how long it would've taken me to discover NaproTechnology and the Creighton Method.

I know now after 3 and a 1/2 years of trying to make a baby that I am finally nearing a definite diagnosis as to why we are still childless. I am so looking forward to my appointment on Thursday afternoon -- really, I've never been so excited to go to see a new doctor!!! I know that I may have to wait for my surgery, at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I wish that I could go back to the evil infertility clinic and punch the stupidhead (I have more severe language that I use when describing him, but I'm not going to swear here!) doctor that told me that my only hope to be a mother was IVF or IUI.

Hah.

I look forward to the next 100 posts and the adventures and the trials that lie before me. I also look forward to continue reading about all of my wonderful friends that I've been in the bloggosphere. Thank you all for your wonderful, encouraging words. You have all buoyed me through so many dark times. Although we are so very far apart geographically (with the exception of My Reality!), I often feel closer to all of you than my best friend who lives around the corner. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words with me, and I am so glad that I am not walking this journey alone.

So here it is. Post 100. I can't believe all that I've written and I may have to go back to my archives to see all of the things that I did write about!!!

So AYWH, I will get that B6 in the mail before the end of the week, I promise. Sorry again!

And thanks to Sew Infertile who sent me a St Gianna prayer card and some surprise homemade vanilla in the mail! It arrived today! Thanks so much!!!

And to all of you on my blog roll, I'm so sorry that I haven't been commenting on your blogs as of late. Hopefully I'll be feeling 100% soon and I'll get back to my old blogging habits!

p.s. I had an HCG accident this past weekend. Mr. JB usually mixes the sterile saline with the powder and then I inject myself. For some reason the old box of meds ended up in our medicine container and he ended up adding more sterile saline to a bottle of old solution! There was only a tiny bit left in the bottle and I did inject myself with it. It wasn't until the next day when I found the new box of HCG that was not mixed. I was pretty angry that he didn't pay close enough attention to what he was doing and that I had to give myself an extra needle. So he mixed up the new meds and I injected myself on Peak +4. I have to give myself my needle tonight and then I go for blood tomorrow for Peak +7. Or should I wait until Peak +8? Advice anyone?

Coming Clean & I love K!!!

Ever since I found out that my next step was surgery, I've been procrastinating about telling my principal about it. I don't like taking time off, especially this year when I'm out at least once a month for planning meetings (since I'm teaching in a pilot program, I have to plan with a team). I've taken no time off despite getting sick so many times since September.

Since I'm a French Immersion teacher supply teachers are hard to come by. Lucky for me I have a French-speaking friend that subs full-time now that she has three kids. She's come in for me every time I've been away and my class absolutely loves her. She knows the routine, the kids names and I never worry about how the day is going since she's fantastic. I know that I shouldn't worry about who will be in my class when I'm off for my surgery. I'm also trying not to worry about how long I'm going to be off (I'm estimating around 2 weeks). My job is way to demanding to just take the minimal amount of time AND I'm not sure what the surgeon is going to find. I took a week off of school the first time I had a cyst rupture, I can only imagine how long I'll need after surgery!

Anyhow, back to the topic at hand.

I mustered up the courage to talk to my principal today while my class was at gym (I'm so grateful that I don't have to teach gym!) and as soon as I crossed the threshold of his office I burst into tears. I'm pretty prone to crying, regardless of the time of month, so I figured that it was going to happen. Since my principal is a man, I was pretty nervous about how much information to tell him. In between sobs I told him that we've been trying to get pregnant for a LONG time, that we went to an infertility clinic that sucked, but now we have an AWESOME Catholic doctor. I also told him that I would be having my surgery at a top-notch Catholic teaching hospital in the city. After he gave me some kleenex and waited for me to calm down, he showed me a photo of his parents and siblings. Apparently his mother was told after the birth of her first child (my principal's oldest sister) that she couldn't have any more children. She proceeded to have 6 more.

I guess he shared this information to help me have hope, which worked. I also know from one other teacher that I've confided in, that his own wife has had fertility issues. He's the dad to four kids and he's very family oriented. I also think that he was impressed that I actually walk the Catholic talk -- there are very many Catholic teachers that work in Catholic schools for convenience AND they also resent teaching religion, but this is not the place for that rant! Mr. JB also reminded me that my principal seems to genuinely like me so the fact that I came clean about all of my absences just adds to my credibility.

Needless to say, I feel so relieved that I finally told him. Now I won't have to worry that he's thinking that I'm a slacker when I take days or afternoons off for appointments!

On a happier note, I'm finally free of the desert! I've seen nice, clear stretchy CM today! I'll be able to write 10KL AD on my chart today! I was so worried that I wasn't ovulating since in previous cycles I usually see clear stretchy mucus (10KL or 10CKL) from day 12. My guess is that I ovulated today or will in the next day or so. I'm thinking the 10KL that I saw on Saturday was from not doing enough kegels after getting busy. Ooops!!!!

Only 9 days until my appointment. I never thought I would be so excited to see yet another doctor, but I am!

Help! For any Canadian bloggers!

I got an urgent e-mail from my FCP practioner today to do a survey for the Expert Panel on Infertility and Adoption. The online survey's deadline is today, so if you're able please go to this link:

http://www.gov.on.ca/children/english/infertilityAdoption/index.html

The survey doesn't take much time -- I completed it in less than 10 minutes. There are boxes to include your opinion and personal experiences.

Please, if you have the time, complete the survey. Hopefully "the man" will listen to those of us that have gone through and are going through infertility.

Thanks!

Like a desert, well almost

I'm feeling much better. I ate the blandest things possible yesterday (and was more than a little lightheaded for the lack of food) and I rested A LOT. Although I'm a little disappointed because we had a fun afternoon planned, my body needed to lay low. I was so out of it yesterday that I didn't even realize that we had a little snowstorm!

When we left for mass this morning it look a while to clean off the car because there was a TON of snow on it! Lucky for Mr. JB it was just the light fluffy stuff. Honestly, I love winter. Perhaps it's because I was born at the end of January during a snowstorm, but I think that it's because everything is so beautiful covered in white. It also helped that the sky was clear and it was so bright this morning and the snow was just gleaming.

I spent today taking it easy. The most strenuous thing that I did was empty the dishwasher (which is the worst dishwasher in the world, I can't wait until we replace our appliances!) and tidy up the kitchen. I had real food -- grilled cheese and soup -- and I didn't have to rush to the bathroom. My overactive bowels have behaved on only one dose of I.mmodium.

Thank God.

I have my annual physical tomorrow morning. I have to fast for 14 hours so I can have bloodwork done so Mr. JB is furiously trying to cook and serve dinner before 8pm. We're usually pretty later diners, something that I blame on living in Europe. We normally don't eat dinner until 9pm which is good since if we eat earlier I have to eat something before I go to bed or I wake up absolutely starving. In the past two years of constant fertility testing I haven't had a pap smear (and I wouldn't have booked my physical if my Napro doctor didn't insist that I needed one). I know that I shouldn't complain too loudly, but after all of the swabs and poking around in my ladyparts couldn't she have just done a pap smear while she was down there?

Speaking of down there: I officially hate C.lomid. Not only was my period crazy heavy, but now I've been pretty dry down there. I'm on CD 13 and I've had practically no CM. Usually around now I would see lots of 10CKL (stretchy, cloudy/clear), but I've had more 10SL (shiny with lubrication) and 10DL (wet with lubrication) instead.

Argh.

It also doesn't help that I just can't take the B6 supplement that was prescribed to me. It made me feel so sick and I really couldn't function with the burning hands and feet. I hope that my doctor can prescribe something else while I'm on C.lomid, or at least give me something else. I'm still a little baffled at why she even prescribed it to me since she thinks that I have endo. Wishful thinking maybe?

I'm almost convinced that we're not going to conceive until after I have my surgery. We've had the best conditions since starting the HCG injections -- my luteal phase is now more than 12 days, I haven't been spotting mid-cycle, my hormone levels are good. It's pretty plain to me that there is something else going on.

I have to come to terms with waiting for longer, I guess. So many of you have written about surrendering control that I'm going to jump on that bandwagon. I believe in my heart that I will be a mother. I wouldn't have continued on the road of testing, doctors visits and heartbreak month after month if that wasn't the case. 2009 is the year that I finally find my answers. No more "unexplained infertility", no more crossing my fingers during the 2WW.

Only 11 days until my appointment. Really, it doesn't seem like that long after 3.5 years!

p.s. Apparently I missed my one year bloggoversary. I was looking through my archives and I started this little space on January 7, 2008. So happy belated birthday my blog. Thanks so much for getting me through another year of being baby-less.

How could I forget?

Thoughts of my infertility have taken up A LOT of space in my brain. In the past three and a half years it's consumed my life -- it's taken me to different doctors, had me researching on the internet, had me take out books from the library, my IF even inspired me to start my blog. Not only has IF become an all-consuming factor in my life, it's also helped me forget (and ignore) my other health issues.

Since last Sunday my stomach has been bothering me. I spent all day Sunday in bed because of some spicy potatoes. Then I spent part of the week constipated (sorry, TMI!) and then I was really late for a meeting because my stomach would not calm down enough for me to leave my house, and today I've spent most of my day running to the bathroom. It took me until this morning to actually admit that it was my ulcerative colitis rearing it's ugly head.

I was diagnosed with UC in December 2002. My family doctor thought that I had a bad case of hemorrhoids, but after four months of symptoms she referred me to a specialist. The first few months after my diagnosis I wasn't bothered too much by my disease. Then after meeting Mr. JB my body went into a revolt. I spent most of the first year of our relationship in and out of the bathroom and then in the hospital. I was so sick in May 2003 that I lost 12 pounds in a week and was hospitalized! My gastrointerologist finally found a medication that worked in August 2004 and since then I've been in remission.

I'm really hoping that rest this weekend will help my poor belly. I'm trying not to think of the fun things that we had planned that I'm missing right now. We were supposed to go to a matinee this afternoon, but I'm too afraid to go out. I really hate public bathrooms at the best of times, I really don't want to get stuck in an icky stall with my belly all upset.

I have my annual physical Monday morning so I'll be able to ask my family doctor for advice. I really hope that my symptoms don't get any worse. It's going to be a weekend of crackers, soup and gingerale for me!

My ever-supportive hubby reminded me that things could be a lot worse. Even though I'm missing a movie that I was looking forward to, my favourite NCAA basketball team is playing on TV today. Honestly, what would I do without him?

15 000 Reasons

I know that resolution number 3 for 2009 was to not stress out about how much we're spending on our basement renovations, but we just signed the papers this evening and we will be spending the next 60 months paying back our loan. I stressed out like this when we bought our house, and then when we refinanced our mortgage a year later. I've always stressed out about money even though I've always had enough to live on -- and in the recent past, some play money.

Don't worry, I'm very grateful that I am well-compensated for my job, as is Mr. JB. I'm also very relieved that my union settled on a fantastic contract late last year. Heck, we even have money in our savings account and zero balances on our credit cards!

When we bought our townhouse almost four years ago I knew that finishing the basement was a priority. I pictured a basement full of toys and space for my kids to play in, room for my office, a big TV, and a beautiful laundry room. We wanted to get it done as soon as we moved in, but reality set in and we also had a wedding to pay off so it just wasn't in the cards.

So now that we got our big European vacation out of our system our priority has become making our house a better place to live. I've really been pushing Mr. JB to move, but with the housing market being what it is we wouldn't get the best money for our home right now. We've also been banking on getting pregnant really soon (hah!) so having a bigger mortgage would be something really stupid to take on.

I know that home renovations are only going to make our house better. It's a good investment, unlike the numerous pairs of black boots that I've acquired in the past few weeks. The renovations will also make us more money in the future. I've been telling myself all of these things, but I'm still all tied up in knots about being $15 000 in debt.

Honestly, what am I going to do when I finally do get pregnant and we're down to one income and a fraction of my salary from maternity leave? There will definitely be no more black boots then!

In a few months when I'm happily blogging from my beautiful basement I know that I will feel silly that I was so stressed out. We can definitely afford the payments and if I stop with the shopping therapy we won't even feel the difference. We saved like fiends to go on our trip for two years, so we can be good and pay off our basement.

And I'm not going to let myself worry about what we're going to do when I'm on maternity leave!

---------------------------------

So I'm thinking that I've caught some strange stomach bug. I had a planning meeting at my school board today and I was an hour late because my belly was just miserable. I don't want to be too graphic, but I made quite a few trips to the bathroom in a very short time.

Yuck.

I don't think that it's my colitis because the pain was very, very different from past flare-ups. Can endo cause gastro-intestinal distress? I'm on day 10 of my cycle and I haven't had any brown spotting since Sunday. I don't usually associate stomach pain with my ladyparts, but now that endometriosis is on the table, I'm a little suspicious.

Honestly, I can't wait until my appointment with Dr. I on the 22nd. I really hope that many of questions will be answered. Perhaps a lot of my stomach pain hasn't been related to my colon after all! Now that would be great!

Dear 2009...

Dear 2009,

Hi, it's me JellyBelly. I realize that you're not very old and I really shouldn't project the anger and frustration that I have towards 2008 on you, but I just wanted to set the record straight. Bear with me, please.

2008 was the year of the test pattern. Although I'm very grateful for my new NaproTechnology doctor, I spent most of last year twiddling my thumbs and waiting. I learned how to chart my cycles, I had daily visits with the dildocam, had blood taken, injected myself (despite my crazy fear of needles), took drugs and had a few meltdowns. I've done all these things to get yet another diagnosis that has me waiting again.

Argh.

So 2009, I see the doctor that will be doing my surgery on the 22nd. Is there any way that you can ensure that I get my lap done ASAP? You see, I turn 34 at the end of the month and my eggies aren't getting any younger. I realize that I'm not the only woman waiting for surgery and I'm certain that there are other, more pressing, medical matters that affect other people, but can I please get a break?

2009, I've spend over three and a half years getting to the bottom of why I can't seem to make a baby. Three and a half years is a LONG time. I know that Mr. JellyBelly and I are in a much better position to be parents: we're basically debt-free (aside from our mortgage and the loan for our house renovations) and our relationship is solid. I'm also really happy with my job and my new school. Really 2009, I'm in a great place right now. The only thing missing is a baby JellyBelly.

I don't know how much more waiting and disappointment that I can take before completely losing my mind. If I can't have a baby ASAP, could we at least find out if I can actually make a baby? I'd really like a definite yay or nay so we can proceed with the adoption process. Honestly, after three and a half years I really just want a baby.

In the meantime 2009, I really hope that you're much more understanding and generous than 2008.

Oh yeah, could you also speed up the JellyBelly bangs regrow project? This in between stage isn't fun and the headbands are really getting old!

One last thing: can you also be nicer to all my infertile bloggy friends? So many of them need a break too. I'd really like the whole lot of us to cross over to the "other side" and so we can all blog about how cute our babies are!

Am I asking too much?

So that's it for now 2009. Please be kind.

Love always,
JellyBelly

???? -- ** Updated

It's my last day of vacation and I'm not very happy. I woke up this morning with the worst stomachache and I spent a very LONG time in the bathroom (thank God we're home and not at my father-in-law's!) -- don't worry I'm not going to go into detail. Since I have ulcerative colitis I'm used to having stomach issues, but I've been in remission for almost four years and I've had no symptoms at all since my doctor found the proper meds.

I dragged myself to the living room where Mr. JB was watching his normal pre-mass television shows and having his tea and we went through all the things that I ate the day before. There was nothing strange or colitis-aggravating on the list. The strangest thing that I ate yesterday was some N.ibs while we watched Mama Mia (which is really good!). I ended up missing mass because my tummy was still gurgling away and I really didn't want to have to run to the bathroom in the middle of the consecration! I was pretty upset, but as Mr. JB reminded me, we had gone to daily mass while we were at my FIL's and that every time we were with my BIL we had mass.

So I'm on day 7 of my cycle and I take my last dose of C.lomid tonight. I can't help but think that perhaps it's the C.lomid that's making me sick to my stomach? Then again, I've taken it since day 3 and I've only had a bad stomach today. Perhaps my stomach is just revolting from all of the excesses of the Christmas holidays. Also the last time I was on C.lomid over a year ago (and I was prescribed 50mg, not just 25mg like this time) I had no symptoms.

Am I crazy? Or should I just stop complaining and drink my ginger tea and eat crackers?

-----------------------------------------------

So I decided about half and hour ago that I needed to eat something with protein -- crackers, soup, and gingerale were just not doing it for me. Mr. JB made me a plate of the leftover chicken and potatoes that we got from the grocery store last night and I had the realization that my stomach woes are not due to C.lomid or colitis.

The stupid potatoes were spicy.

I'm so dumb.

Silly, silly JellyBelly!

JellyBelly Resolutions

I'm not the resolution-making type. Perhaps it's because I think I'm already too hard on myself, perhaps I'm just too lazy. I'm thinking that it's a combination of both. I've spent most of the day lazing around and reading my Christmas present from my brother-in-law (the new Wally Lamb book, The Hour I First Believed) and taking naps: all-in-all the best way to ring in a new year.

We had a low-key New Year's Eve celebration. We went over to a friends' place (childless, thank God!), had lots of yummy food, delicious dessert (it was the perfect excuse to try the vegan cheesecake I saw at my favourite organic food store) and played T.rivial P.ursuit. We had planned to stay the night, but my BIL wanted to go home and sleep in his own bed so we headed back to my FIL's house. The highlight of the evening, besides the cheesecake, was having M.oet et C.handon champagne at midnight. I've only had it once when I was living in Paris and was celebrating the recent engagement of a colleague. The setting was a lot more romantic -- we were at Le Select, where Hemingway used to have French onion soup, but I do have to say that I preferred last night's company.

So instead of looking back at 2008, I'm going to look ahead at 2009 and make some resolutions that I believe that I can keep. Here goes:

1) I'm going to brush my teeth every night, and perhaps even floss.
2) I will go to sleep in my bed, rather than fall asleep on the couch and wake up at 3am and go to my bed. It's so hard when the living room couch is crazy comfy!
3) I will try not to lose my mind during my basement and kitchen renos. Additionally, I will try not to stress out about how much money we will be spending to do the said renos.
4) I will continue to do yoga. Does that count as a resolution since I practice regularly already?
5) I will try not to use shopping as therapy. I will also stay away from eBay. If I do visit eBay it will be for essentials like A.veda shampoo and conditioner or presents for Mr. JB.
6) I'm going to read more. Since I started teaching grade 1 my leisure reading has only involved picture books. I really need to visit the public library more as well.
7) I will spend less time on F.acebook. I'm addicted and I really shouldn't be.
8) I will try to cook dinner at least once a week. I'm certain when the kitchen renos are done I will be inspired to cook more. Then again, my hubby is an awesome cook so if he wants to continue cooking who am I to argue?
9) I will be better at filing our paid bills and other papers. My home office is an absolute disaster. When everything gets moved to the finished basement all of the disorganization is going to stop. I promise.
10) I'm going to positive about my infertility. After I see the specialist on the 22nd I'm sure that I will have more answers (and hopefully a date for my surgery). Although it's taken a LONG time to get to the point of having my lap, I have not compromised my beliefs of my ethics to get here. I'm following the path that I'm supposed to, and hopefully 2009 will bring me closer to being a mom.

I love the possibility of a new year, it doesn't have the crappy baggage like the old one does. Although I have no idea what lies in store for us, I'm excited to see what is to come.

So there it is folks. We'll have to see at the end of 2009 if I keep to my promises.

Happy New Year to all of you!