Attack of the Fertiles

Lord please help me.

I finally spoke to my maid of honour. It only took three weeks and I tried really hard to avoid having to talk to her, but I did. Part of me was hoping that she was being cowardly, but no, she was just clueless. She spent most of our conversation giving me some completely clueless fertility advice.

Yes, fertility advice girls.

So for all of you infertiles out there, here's the holy grail:

1) When you get pg, don't have sex for a REALLY long time. Apparently there were six pg women around her that all lost their babies because they got it on with their mates.

2) Don't think about getting pg. If you think about it, it won't work. She has a friend at work that had the "same surgery" as I did and she stopped thinking about getting pg and guess what? She's pg! Wow!

Yes, she actually said both things to me. I was glad that I only have 8 minutes to talk because I was ready to lose my mind. I also asked her why her husband who made her get an IUD gave in to having a second. Apparently it was the work of their daughter (my goddaughter) who constantly begged for a sibling. And guess what, it only took a month to get pg, not the ten it took for her first.

Honestly, there is no justice.

I hope that I've bought some time until the next phone call. She's due at the end of the month so she will be busy and since she is so self-absorbed I don't think that it will occur to her that she should call me back.

Btw, I didn't mention to her that I'm Peak +14 today (although she was fishing for an answer as to whether or not we had a successful cycle). I don't POAS ever since the last time I did I got my period the next day. If I make it to Peak +17 (which will be miraculous), then perhaps I will POAS, but only then. My only symptoms are extreme tiredness and the worst grumpies that I have ever had. I asked my class this week what they would do if I started to cry in front of them! They weren't even being bad, but they were just being so annoying!

I digress.

We just got back from my fertile best friend's house. We had dinner over there since Mr. JB hadn't met the new baby yet. It's definitely easier to be around the little guy now that he isn't a newborn. I even held him for a little while, which is a HUGE thing. At least her older kids love me to bits (her older son cuddled with me on the couch while we played W.ii and he always says that he loves me!). My bf and I talked about my ridiculous conversation with my MOH and she tried to stick up for her. When I told her about what she actually said, she agreed that my MOH is just clueless.

Like I've said before, at least my fertile best friend told me that she was expecting AND I knew that she wanted to have a bunch of kids. She didn't go through the charade of pretending that she didn't. I expected her to get pg with her third child and she was visibly anguished when she gave me the news. But at the end of it all, she still gets pg when she thinks about it.

I'm so jealous right now.

Needless to say, I'm feeling extra special barren right now. I haven't felt like this in a long time.

I need to go to bed or eat chocolate or maybe eat chocolate in bed!

I need prayers girls. Lots and lots.

Man Thongs & Assorted Ramblings

Yes ladies, I saw a man thong this afternoon.

EEEEEEWWWWW!!!

So there's this older guy that practices at my studio and he has always done yoga in tights (like the ones that I wear when I wear a shorter dress or a long sweater) which I've always thought was kinda icky. Really friends, I don't want to see his stuff. There are yoga shorts for men that are not form fitting, you know (the studio even sells them!!).

Anyhow, during class today I looked over and what did I see with my own two eyes? The dude's shirt was riding up so I saw the top of his man thong! How couldn't he have noticed that there was a lot more air on his lower back! Like come on! I don't show off my underwear (and I never wear a thong to yoga, I can't imagine that it would be comfy, I'm all for the boy shorts!) when I practice!

My friend K who was beside the thong exposing man tried to make contact with me, but I'm glad that she didn't 'cos I would've cracked up! She came up to me at the end of class and said that she had to ask me something and I knew exactly what she was going to say!

But I digress.

My appointment with Dr. T went well today. I've been seeing her every two months since my surgery, which seems like a long time, but Napro isn't about being all speedy speedy, it's about figuring things out, right?

So I finally asked her what my hormone levels actually were rather than just a vague high or low. So two cycles ago my progesterone was 84.9 (I have no idea what units progesterone is measured by, and if the numbers are imperial or metric, although I assume they're metric, I do live in Canada) and my estrogen was still low at 168 (it should be around 600, I think). This month's Peak +7 progesterone was 184 (which seems better) and my estrogen was 309 (which is still low, but better).

If this cycle is a bust she wants me to triple my Fe.mara dose. I asked if we could just quadruple the dose, but she wants to see how I respond to the triple dose. She also reassured me that having very, very light bleeding to about CD13 (which was the case this past month) is normal for endo patients. She reassured me and said that she doesn't think that the endo is back, but that she's seen it before in her other patients.

She also says that I don't have to get my FSH checked any more. What a relief! My first FSH level when I got my first period post-Lu.pron was 10, but the subsequent level was normal. She does want me to have it checked in 6 months, which is perfectly reasonable.

One thing that she really wants me to do is food testing. She gave me info about a company in England that will do the testing for 100 British pounds which is cheaper than the first company that she showed me. It does seems like something that I should do since gluten was such a problem. And even if I never get pg, I would feel better if I avoided the other foods that made me feel sick.

I really wish that I was feeling 100% positive about my visit. I was pretty irked since I waited for almost an hour to see her. I was reading and I almost feel asleep for goodness sakes! I know that I have to be patient since we're still working on fixing my hormones AND I'm still healing. I did feel some incision pain this afternoon which is a clear indication that it's going to rain tomorrow.

Yes girls, I'm a weather vane.

Great.

On the mortgage front, Mr. JB and I signed the papers tonight. Unfortunately we aren't going to save as much as initially thought, but we're still paying $200 less than we were. Mr. JB really, really wants to get his new car THIS WEEKEND, but I really don't think that it's the best idea. He doesn't have a clue about when and how we pay our bills, which is another post for another time.

Hopefully some soy ice cream will help erase the memory of the man thong. I also apologize for putting the image into your imaginations. Trust me, seeing it for real was much, much worse.

;)

Losing It

I know I made great strides by calling my MOH earlier today, but tonight is a completely different story.

It all started with dinner.

Mr. JB was reheating the tasty, free-range, no antibiotic chicken that we had on Sunday and I suddenly was disappointed that it was my favourite chicken dish that we were having. I had misunderstood and I didn't realize that we had a ton of left-overs in the fridge. Really, it wasn't a big deal, but I had my heart set on the yummy Montreal chicken spiced chicken that I thought we were having.

Then I started a fight because Mr. JB said that he didn't want to test drive a whole bunch of cars this weekend. He's basically made up his mind about what he wants, but I want to try some other options out just to make sure that he gets the perfect one. Mr. JB comes from a long line of G.M. workers, but this time he thinks that he's going to get an import. He says that he will get the import so he can bide his time while G.M. gets its act together and he'll go back to buying domestic.

Anyhow, I started to get irked since I've never really had a very exciting history with car purchases. My parents got me a car when I turned 18 (yes, I know I'm very lucky and I'm also an only child and the car was part of a bribe to stay in the province for university, I wanted to go to Montreal, but my parents couldn't handle it) and then I drove that same car for ELEVEN years. Then seven years ago I bought the newer version of the same car. So you see, not so exciting.

I've gone on a total of ONE test drive in my whole adult life and I'm 35! So I was so pumped about trying out a whole bunch of new cars. I was even going to come up with a checklist so we could compare when we were done.

I ended up crying (not excessively, but there were still tears) on the couch and not being able to finish my dinner.

Have I mentioned that I'm Peak +13 today and I'm going to see my Napro doc tomorrow? I'm so hormonal and scared that I'm going to get bad news, yet again (which is totally contrary to my positive outlook, going to believe I'm going to get pg attitude). My boobs are also sore and my scalp is breaking out -- EEEEWWW!

Btw, do any of you have any advice on how to make manicures last? My feet look awesome, but my hands look nasty! I tried to ask the nice lady that did my nails what to do to make my manicure last longer, but I don't think that she understood me!

It also doesn't help that I'm all crazy hormonal and I have to deal with mortgage-related stuff. For some reason I thought that we were supposed to renew our mortgage in the near future, but
I was off by a couple of years (we refinanced the second year of our marriage 'cos we were having a hard time coping with our wedding/honeymoon debt, a new mortgage and Mr. JB's huge car payments). So current rates are lower than our current one and our financial planner suggested that I find out how much of a penalty we would have to pay if we were to break our mortgage. I almost fell over when the mortgage lady told me. To break our mortgage 26 months early it would be $13 800 (which is almost the price of a small car)!!!!

Anyhow, the mortgage specialist said that we could blend our current rate with a new, lower one and we could still save $320 a month (which is almost a car payment). Our financial advisor ran the numbers and said that we should go with the bank's suggestion. I know that we're still saving money, but not as much as we would've if we went with our financial advisor's option (we would've saved $400!).

I really hate sometime that I have to be responsible for our money. If it was up to Mr. JB he would bury his head in the sand and cross his fingers. It's also frustrating that we've been paying our mortgage for five years and we've barely paid anything off except for $16 ooo in interest!

Then again, I have a house and we can afford a new car. So I shouldn't complain too much, right?

I need more chocolate or something. Not even the iced s.oy gr.een te.a latt.e from St.arbucks was enough to cheer me up (then again I was on my way to a boring meeting, but I was happy until I reached the bottom of the cup!).

Argh.

Thank God for Voice Mail

I called. 

Yes, my maid of honour who didn't want to have babies and got and IUD because her husband made her.

I left it until the last minute. My class was in the library getting their new books and I had about 9 minutes to talk. 

Man am I ever glad that her voice mail picked up!

This was my message:

"Hi there! Guess we're playing phone tag. Life has been so busy! Try giving me a call tomorrow afternoon, I'm not going to be at work so hopefully we'll get to talk."

So sweet, and yet so not.

The ball is in her court now. 

At least I phoned, yes?

Strange Dreams

I think that I may be losing it.

I normally have very vivid dreams, but this one takes the cake! I dreamt that I was a bird and I was looking out into a backyard and I watching another bird with her little baby chicks. As a bird I was thinking, "I'm really hungry and I really want to eat one of those birds, but that bird is my friend and if I eat her baby she would be very sad." I think that I started to swoop down on the baby bird that I had targeted, since my hunger won out, but I woke up before I could see the result.

Are there any dream interpreters out there? What is up with that????

I had a great weekend. On Friday night I went out for dinner with some colleagues. It was so much fun and it was great to hang out away from school. On Saturday I spent most of the morning getting a mani/pedi and having my eyebrows threaded. I absolutely LOVE getting my nails done, now it just has to be warmer so I can wear sandals!!! 

Saturday afternoon I attended my first meeting of an IF support group that Tishi has organized. It was a great afternoon and I met some very strong and courageous women. We were all at different stages of our IF journey and it was really helpful for me to see how they deal with IF day to day. I can't wait to meet up with them next month! 

Yesterday was a lazy day. After mass I took a nice long nap and then I went to two yoga classes. I was pretty distracted during the second one since I was getting pretty hungry! It was hard to be "present" while I was thinking of what I wanted to eat when I got home!

So this week I see my Napro doctor. I will be Peak +13 when I see her so she will have my bloodwork results from Peak +7. I really hope that the double dose of F.emara has helped. I've been feeling really tired since starting the HCG injections (I have my last shot tonight, woohoo!). I ovulated later this month than I did last, I think on CD16 or 17, which is what my body does on ovulation-inducing drugs. 

After meeting with the girls of Saturday I've decided that the most important thing that I can do in my journey to be a mom is to BELIEVE that it's going to happen. After almost five years of seemingly getting no where, I just have to have faith that I will get pg one day. 

Hopefully that's the missing piece to this puzzle. 

Hopefully. 

A Strange Anniversary

A year ago today I had my first surgery.

And I found out that my ladyparts were a huge, horrible mess.

If you want a refresher, check this out.

It was quite the diagnosis to get. I had a feeling that it was bad, but stage IV (and as my surgeon said, stage IV IV), ovarian cysts, uterine fibroids, adhesions that were so bad that my right fallopian tube was obstructed.

Ouch.

So after four months of lovely L.upron and having to deal with hot flashes and crazy hormones, I got to have my second surgery which was much more intensive and that cleaned everything up.

Yay.

I wish that I could say that all is wonderful and that I'm 100% confident that we will conceive, but we've had five cycles post L.upron and still nothing (although I'm Peak +5 today so who knows...). I see my Napro doctor next week to see if doubling the dose of F.emara has helped my hormone levels go up since the HCG just wasn't enough. I'm almost sure that it has helped since I had boob tenderness and acne for the first time in AGES!

The one thing that I've learned through all of this is that I'm used to disappointment. I've had almost five years to learn how to deal with it. I'm not saying that I'm good at dealing with it, but I'm no longer falling apart on CD1.

My next biggest hurdle is completing the adoption paperwork. The scariest part is having to get a criminal check from France since I lived there for more than six months. I can imagine how difficult that is going to be!

Thank you for all of you support, if it wasn't for all of you I wouldn't have been able to get through both surgeries and the horrible recovery. I know that I hated the belly button and lower abdomen scar, but they've both healed up nicely. I have battle scars leading me to motherhood, I just hope that it can be sooner, rather than later.

The saga continues....

So friends, my inaction has caused the saga of my fertile maid of honour to continue.

While we were in Montreal my cell phone rang and I saw that it was her -- she did call Tuesday or Wednesday of last week and I didn't do anything about it. When we got home last night there was also an e-mail from her in my inbox asking where I was and that she was getting worried.

I know that it's unavoidable that I have to call her.

Argh.

And I also know that being nice JellyBelly that I won't tell her off and say that I'm so disappointed that she didn't have the courage and the tact to tell me herself that she had gotten pregnant.

I'm also not going to ask how she convinced her husband that made her get an IUD that she wanted to have a second child.

I have to be the bigger person in this one, I know.

I would much rather yell, scream and cry, but that's just not me.

Swallowing one's pride is not easy, especially when one is so incredibly angry and disappointed.

Btw, while we were in Montreal we visited St. Joseph's Oratory. I really wanted to go because there's a place where you can write your intentions for St. Joseph and you can pray for them in front of St. Joseph's oil. I really hope that my prayers for all of us IF'ers come through soon.

p.s. Although I'm exhausted, I am absolutely over the moon that my D.uke Bl.ue De.vils won the N.CAA Cha.mpionship last night. I was so excited that I could barely sleep! Woohoo!

Lenten Prayer Buddy Revealed

My Lenten prayer buddy was Jessica of Little Things!

It was great to pray for someone that I didn't know from the IF blogger world. I loved reading about how she was preparing her cute kiddies for Lent and I will definitely use some of those ideas when we have our little JellyBellies!

I offered up decades of the daily rosary that Mr. JB and I said throughout Lent and I remembered to pray for her at mass on Sundays. One of her posts even mentioned that my prayers were helping her! Woohoo!

Anyhow, I gotta go. My Blue Devils are playing the championship game tonight and I have to focus energy on that!!!!

p.s. Jessica please forgive me for my tardiness! Your Easter present is coming your way sometime this week!

Happy Easter! He is risen!!!

Just a quick note to wish all of you a very Happy and Blessed Easter!!!!!

We're having a great time in Montreal! The biggest disappointment was that the yoga jeans store didn't have my size!!! They had the size up and the size down and I wasn't prepared to drop that much cash on jeans that didn't fit like they were supposed to. Thankfully the salesgirl took my contact info and she's going to be in touch when my size comes in (although it didn't sound like it was going to happen soon!) and my brother-in-law can pick them up or I can pay the $9 shipping.

We're off to celebrate mass at a friend's place and then we're going to have Easter lunch there. It's great having a priest for a BIL!

Don't overdose on chocolate everyone!!!!

Holy Thursday

Every Lenten season I look forward to Holy Thursday. Don't worry, it's not because I get to indulge in what I gave up for Lent, but because of the Stations of the Cross. When I taught the older kids my class always did a presentation for the school, this year each teacher got to read for a station with one student from their class. I got to start things off with one of my little cuties and I can say that it was much less stressful just being a part of the presentation and not organizing it.

I was also in charge of selling pretzels to raise money for S.harelife (a charity of the Archdiocese of To.ronto). I sold 334 pretzels which means that we are donating the same amount to the charity. There was a bit of an issue because the bakery didn't deliver enough, but the driver returned with the pretzels we were missing so everyone got their treat.

So Mr. JB, his dad and I are off to Montreal tomorrow morning to celebrate Easter with my brother-in-law. It's bittersweet since this will be our last Easter with my BIL 'cos he's returning to Italy to finish his degree in Canon law in Rome. He also expects to spend at least a year in either Asia or India afterwards. Although I'm used to him being gone, I really love that he's been so close (well at least in the same country!). As Mr. JB's dad gets older I know that he appreciates having both of his sons in close proximity and I definitely love having my BIL's calming influence around!

I will continue to pray for all of you, especially my Lenten prayer buddy. This truly is my favourite time of year and I can't wait for mass on Easter Sunday!

p.s. I haven't dealt with calling my friend. I have been so busy with school and last night when I got home from work I feel dead asleep on the couch! I know that I have to at least send her an e-mail, but that's not happening until Tuesday, at the earliest.

p.p.s. I've had some crazy fertile CM! I almost didn't believe my eyes since I'm already at CD 16 and it only started yesterday. I ovulated on CD 14 last cycle on the increased dose of F.emara and I expected the same this cycle, but it's been totally different. I really hope that I don't have to start my HCG injections while we're in Montreal. It would totally stress me out to have to transport it home while driving for five hours!

p.p.p.s. I'm going on the yoga jeans adventure on Saturday. I really hope that they're all that I've made them out to be. I can't wait to try them on!!!