Just a little more frustration

Now I want to preface this post with the fact that I love children. Babies especially. I wouldn't have tried for almost four years to have one of my own if I didn't love babies. Do you believe me?

I really hope that you do after you read this.

Yesterday was my hubby's cousin's son's 5th birthday (did you follow that?). And of course I knew that the house would be filled with babies and fertile couples. Last year I even missed the party because I just couldn't handle the pregnant women and I also had the convenient excuse of an assignment that I had to finish for the class I was taking. Honestly, I tried to search my body for an ailment when I woke up, but I just couldn't come up with an excuse. And besides, the birthday boy was asking for his Aunt JellyBelly, so I couldn't with good conscience avoid the party.

My heart dropped as soon as we walked into the house. The birthday boy's little brother as well as a friend's baby were on the floor in the living room. The birthday boy's cousin followed in soon after.

And I never felt more barren in my life.

All of the moms are around the same age as I am and we usually have so much to talk about, but I honestly couldn't for the life of me find something not baby related as conversation topics. I was really happy to find a bowl of lime flavoured nacho chips that was far away from the baby action! I'm also grateful for the NCAA tournament being on and having the excuse of being a HUGE fan to be absent from all of the baby-love.

When we tried to make an early exit my hubby's aunt laid a guilt trip on us. "Why do you have to go? You know the birthday boy only turns 5 once!"

Honestly lady, if you knew how empty my soul feels right now you'd let me go and watch my favourite basketball team. I didn't know if I wanted to kick her or cry.

So I had to put on a happy face and watch the birthday boy open his gifts, blow out his candles (but we couldn't sing "Happy Birthday" because it would be too loud. I suspect the kid is mildly austistic, but that's another post for another time). Oh yeah, I couldn't have any of the cake because it was made with all of the things I couldn't eat! Yay! Score another one for the barren, allergy afflicted JellyBelly!

Now I don't expect everyone to be sensitive to the fact that we're infertile. I also don't expect pity. For goodness sake, that's the reason we've been so quiet about our IF struggles. But this family knows what we've been through, how many years of disappointment and anguish that we've had to endure while EVERYONE we know have babies, even the previously infertile couples!

Three babies under the age of one is a lot to take for an infertile. They're lucky that they got me out of the house in one piece!

I really don't know how much longer I can "suck it up" around my fertile family members and friends. I really don't.

Lazy girl JellyBelly

First off, I'd like to apologize for not updating all of you as promised. I'm going to blame it on a bit of vacation brain as well as just sheer laziness. I've complained a lot this school year about being so tired and drained. I'm so glad that, although we did get away for a few days, I took every opportunity to sleep and rest. I'm also going to blame my lack of posting sooner on having to take time to digest all that I learned from my pre-op appointment on Wednesday.

So here goes:

I visited with Dr. I who will be doing my surgery first. I really don't know why I had to go see him since all he did was ask me if I had any questions (I didn't) and then his secretary gave me an envelope full of paperwork I had to take to the hospital across the street. I shouldn't begrudge his thoroughness, I know. Then again, perhaps he doesn't always have a well-informed customer who has a network of friends (in real life as well as in the bloggosphere) that have shared their experiences. The doctor did mention that I was lucky because some of his surgery dates were changed, but mine wasn't affected. Thank God! I don't know what I would've done if I my surgery date was moved!

Armed with my envelope of paperwork we were sent to the hospital across the street. St. Michael's Hospital is a renowned teaching hospital and is right around the corner from the cathedral bearing the same name. I was sent to the pre-admit section of the hospital where the intake staff took my health card and took all of my information. Then a nurse took us into another section where we had to watch a video about the day of my surgery. The nurse that was taking care of me was in the video too!

It was pretty cheesy, but it went over all the particulars (i.e. don't wear makeup or jewellry, leave your valuables at home, make sure someone is there to pick you up because you won't be able to drive, etc.). Then she took down all of the medications that I take (I also had to bring them with me) and she told me what I could and could not take before my surgery. I have to stop all of the supplements that my naturopath has put me on, but I can continue with the folic acid and B12 as well as my prescribed meds. Then she gave me some literature to read about laparoscopic surgery, anesthesia as well as the hysteroscopy procedure (I didn't realize that I was having this done, but it makes sense that the doctor would). Then a technician came in to take blood and then a doctor came in to review all of the notes that the nurse took.

The entire visit took less than an hour which was a relief because Dr. I's secretary said it would take almost two! The only thing that I'm disappointed about is that I won't know the time of my surgery until the day before. I have to call a number at the hospital the day before to find out. Oh well, I'm sure that the powers that be at the hospital know best, right?

I was doing really well up until leaving the hospital. We went to the Eaton Centre to have lunch and walk around and suddenly it hit me. I've known for months now that I was going to have surgery, but the reality just seemed so heavy. In the food court I was overcome with fear. Now, I'm pretty accustomed to doctors and hospitals, but I've never been scared like that before. I didn't have any particular fears. I don't think that I'm going to die on the table or have an allergic reaction to the anesthesia or anything, but I just felt dread. As we walked through the mall I felt like I was in a haze.

We had dinner at a friends' house that night and although I put on a happy face the thought of my surgery wasn't far from my thoughts. I was relieved though. I was convinced that my girlfriend was going to announce that they were expecting (she didn't have anything to drink at my birthday party in January), but she didn't. She did have a tiny sip of some fancy tequila that her husband had, but that was it. I don't know why I was obsessing about her being pregnant, but I have to prepare myself every time we visit friends of childbearing age! Btw, the tequila was really good!

Thursday night Mr. JB and I headed to Buffalo to see one of my favourite singers, Morrissey. It was a pretty big sacrifice for my hubby to go with me since our musical tastes couldn't be more different. We did have dinner at the Anchor Bar (where Buffalo chicken wings were invented!) as a treat for him. As a child of the 80's I had a fabulous time, I just wish that we didn't have to drive so far to see him!

We stayed with my father-in-law Thursday night since we didn't want to drive all the way home after the show and he shared some interesting information with Mr. JB while I was still asleep. Apparently my hubby's mom also suffered from endo. She missed her entire last year of high school because she had surgery to remove endo and she had at least three other surgeries. I knew that she had various gynecological issues and that she had an ectopic pregnancy between my hubby and his brother. My FIL mentioned that she had endo removed before she got pregnant with my BIL and that it was because of the surgery that she got pregnant.

I don't think I've ever written about all of the strange thing that my mother-in-law and I have in common. She passed away on my 14th birthday and I don't think that is a co-incidence. She had issues with ovarian cysts and now I know that she had endo too! I also don't think that it's a coincidence that after years of applying to jobs that I'm teaching at a school that shares her name. The first time my hubby took me to her grave I promised her that I would name our first child after her, although I insisted to my hubby that I had other names in mind.

My MIL was a great lady, everyone tells me so. Although my FIL has had a crazy girlfriend for years, he still talks like my MIL is in the other room. My hubby and his brother only have wonderful things to say about their mom as well. I can't help but think that she sending me some sort of sign that things are going to be okay after my surgery.

I can't wait to finally have answers to all of my IF questions. It seems like all signs point to endo being the cause. I've also had bizarre brown spotting for the past few days (two days before my peak day and the day that I ovulated). I've also been feeling quite a bit of pain which I'm blaming completely on the C.lomid.

Argh.

p.s. Please say a prayer for my dad. He's been on jury duty for the past few weeks and he's been away from home since Thursday. My mom is pretty worried. I hope that they finally come up with a decision so the poor guy can go home!

p.p.s. Along with Jeremiah 29:11 we're crazy basketball fans at our house. My boys from Duke play again tonight. Go Blue Devils!!!!

Pre-Op JellyBelly

I have my pre-op appointment with my doctor then I have to go to the hospital for my work-up. The clinic secretary told me the appointment at the hospital is going to take almost two hours!

Wish me luck. I'll let you all know about the appointments when I get in tonight.

Crap! There is IF in Montreal!

So it's our last night in Montreal. Mr. JB and his brother are bonding (i.e. smoking cigars and having a drink) while I catch up on the bloggosphere.

Our visit has been good. Since we've both been to Montreal quite a few times we haven't done too much touristy stuff. Saturday was spent mostly hanging out -- we went to a really good Irish pub and then out to dinner. We tried to visit a few places in Vieux Montreal, but everything was closed.

On Sunday we went to St. Joseph's Oratory which is a sight to see. We visited a exhibit on creches from around the world. I wish that I could've taken some photos because some of them were really spectacular! My favourite was from Japan and the Holy Family looked like S.anrio characters! We had a really good late lunch in Outremont (a posh French part of town), visited the Jean-Talon market where I had tire for the first time. I had learned about tire in school, but I had never had the pleasure of trying it. Basically it's maple sugar candy on a popsicle stick and it's so tasty! Then we had dinner at a friend of my brother-in-law's. His friend, M is also a teacher where he works and she has four very spirited kids. I spent most of the night laughing at their antics! I also fell in love with their miniature rabbit, Albert. I've decided that when our basement renovations are done that we are going to get a rabbit, from the pound, of course.

Today was a pretty lazy day. My BIL had to go into school to finish entering his marks and so we met him for mass at his school then the boys went for drinks while I shopped. Montreal is usually really good for shopping, but I didn't find too much stuff which is a good thing since the boys spent more on their bar tab than I did on the clothes I bought! The biggest disappointment was that I found a pair of perfect teacher shoes but I didn't notice that they were navy blue and not black. Oh well, there's always shoes back home.

Tonight we had dinner with the other members of my BIL's Jesuit community. The priests have two houses and they dine at the house where my BIL doesn't live. Dinner was very good, although the men ate so fast! It was great to finally be able to put faces to names. It's so sad that there used to be a seven storey building full of Jesuits and now there are only five of them left. There is a young guy that is a novice, so please pray for him and for all vocations to grow.

In cycle news, it's CD14 and I've had brown spotting all day. It's very strange since I haven't had any mid-cycle spotting in months! I almost didn't believe it this morning when I went to the bathroom! Since starting the C.lomid I've been ovulating much later -- around CD17 or 18 so I'm pretty confused as to why I'm spotting. I have my pre-op appointment with the doctor that is doing my surgery on Wednesday so perhaps I'll ask him what is going on. Any ideas as to why I'm spotting now?

I guess my ladyparts wanted to remind me that they were still alive and kicking, despite our little mini-vacation. Oh well, I hope that they enjoyed Montreal!

p.s. I lit a candle for all of us IF girls at St. Joseph's Oratory (thanks Duck for reminding me!!!). Anything helps, right?

Waving in French

Hello all!!!!

We arrived in Montreal yesterday in the early afternoon. We decided to stop in Brockville which is a four hour drive away from home and a two hour drive from Montreal. Thank God that we stopped because we were wiped out! Friday nights for us involve a lot of lazing around and sleeping since teaching zaps us of all our energy.

We took it easy yesterday and hung out at a cool Irish pub for the afternoon then we went to the old city and then to dinner.

I'll post more interesting stuff later on today!

Beyond...

I am so absolutely exhausted right now.

I survived report card writing and correcting and I am patiently waiting for them to return signed by my principal so I can stuff them into their envelopes. I am so relieved that they were due before the March Break! For the first time in seven years of teaching I don't have to worry about working on them (or not working on them, which was usually the case).

Last night I was at school until almost 8pm because we were interviewing the new candidates for the grade one and two jobs that have opened up. We interviewed 7 candidates and although I was a part of a panel I don't believe that the best candidates were chosen. One woman was phenomenal, but the woman that was hired to be my teaching partner next year does not speak French very well!!!! I realize that she has to be given a chance and she interviewed well, but her competence in the language really worries me. Then again I shouldn't be surprised since my current partner's French is spotty at times. I was inwardly cringing every time she mispronounced the "qu" sound during the interview. It's a pretty basic thing, but she just doesn't have the best grasp on the language!

Although I tried to push for the candidate that came in third, I was out-voted. Her interview may not have been the strongest, but I wouldn't worry about the students learning improper language! I can foresee a year of having to bite my tongue. I really hope that my apprehensions are wrong, I really do.

When I got home from the interviews I had to deal with a new member of my condo board. Mr. JB and I live in a condo townhouse and I've been president since I joined the Board of Directors four years ago. The BOD is made up of three people and it's a minimal time commitment since our complex is very small (28 units). A new member joined the board at our last AGM and he is turning out to be a jerk. He doesn't live on site, but he owns two units. He's quite well off and lives in a much more glitzy part of my neighbourhood. He has five kids in private school and I don't believe that his wife works. He's also a parishioner at our parish.

Anyhow, a claim was put through our insurance because a pipe burst in between two units. He's all in a tizzy because the condo insurance covered the cost and he is unsure why. I admit that I am not an expert, but I do have faith in the woman that manages our complex. He does not. When I got home from school last night there were over 20 e-mails from him and the manager regarding the insurance claim. Not only is he saying that the manager is incompetent, he's also saying that the BOD is inexperienced in comparison to him.

Honestly, I did not sign up for this hassle.

Mr. JB said last night that if this crazy guy wants to be a bully he can run the BOD. I really believe that we've done a good job thus far and this guy has his own agenda. I just don't understand why people get so defensive and angry when things can be worked out calmly.

Argh.

I told my mom last night about my surgery. I was so worried that she would be so worried and also that she would go a bit crazy (which she is prone to do). She really surprised me by her reaction. She was so calm and her only question was why I had to go to the city. When I explained to her that the doctor that is doing my surgery is one of the best and has come highly recommended she backed off. I really think that she was worried that I would be in the hospital for a while and that she'd have to go to the city which she hates to do! She also said that I need to take as much time as possible and to not go back to work until I was completely ready. I definitely think that I will take the full two weeks off, regardless of how extensive the endo is.

I took my last dose of C.lomid on Sunday and I feel almost no pain. I've been getting strange painful twinges, but they've been fleeting. Thank God.

I really can't wait to be on vacation. We're leaving for Montreal tomorrow after school and I am so looking forward to being somewhere else for a few days. Is there IF in Montreal? I hope not.

Suffering Silently

Well, not really.

I'm on my last month of the "let's try to get knocked up before surgery" experiment and I'm at the end of my rope with pain. I had the cramps of death earlier in the week and now that my period is basically done (it's CD6) and I'm still feeling pain on my right side. I am certain that it's the C.lomid that is making things worse and I am really looking forward to next month and being TTC-drug free.

Woohoo!

[insert sarcastic cheering here]

On Friday night Mr. JB and I went to evening mass and the Stations of the Cross, something that we do every Lent (well, usually I have to convince my hubby, but he was completely willing to go without any complaint!). I love to do the Stations. At my old school my class would do a dramatization for the school and the school community really appreciated it. Every year the students would tell me that it was the first time that the Stations made sense to them.

In the middle of mass I started to feel horrible pain in my lower right side. A couple of times it actually took my breath away. During the Stations the pain just got worse and worse. I did take some ibuprophen before we left home so I was surprised by the intensity of the pain. I've prayed many, many times, especially in the past few months, that my pain could be taken away or for the strength to endure it. I was in the middle of one of those prayers when this came up in the Stations:

Lord Jesus, how can I refuse?

I willingly accept my weaknesses,
my irritations and my moods,
my headaches and fatigue,
all my defects of body, mind, and soul.

Because they are your will for me,
these "handicaps" of my humanity,
I gladly suffer them.

Make me content
with all my discontents,
but give me strength
to struggle after you.

The Stations that we did on Friday were from, Everyone's Way of the Cross by Clarene Enzler, and it's usually the Stations that we do at our parish. I know that the Lord speaks to us at the times we need it, and He was definitely reaching me Friday night. I did make it through the rest of the evening, but I did end up waiting in the car with Mr. JB ran into the grocery store to get some stuff we needed for dinner. When we got home I spent the rest of the night on the couch with my heating pad wrapped around my right side.

Yesterday I met up with Duck and we had a great chat over some tea. It was so great to finally meet up in person and to talk with someone who just gets it. I've thought many times of going to a support group in the area, but I honestly don't think that it would help me. The two hours that we spent chatting about our respective struggles (and her recent successes!) made me feel so much better. To top it off she also passed on some endo books that I'm sure will shed light on so many things that have gone on with my body. I'm at the point now where I think that I can feel where the disease is. It will be interesting to see after my surgery if my suspicions are right.

So I'm on the countdown to March Break. I finished my report cards on Thursday and they were handed in for review Friday at lunch. My current principal is a lot more easygoing than my former boss. Grade one reports are so much easier to do than junior level students! It also helps that I only have 20 students, and not 60 like I used to.

I rewarded myself with a new hoodie from my favourite yoga-wear store. My mom got me a gift card for my birthday and I was saving it as post-report card treat. It's been very snuggly and nice to wear since the weekend has been so damp.

I am so looking forward to going to Montreal for a few days to visit with my brother-in-law. He's lived there for two years and I haven't able to visit him as of yet. I just hope that the weather stays warm! The last time I went to Montreal about six years ago they had a HUGE storm and my train was delayed for hours.

Happy Daylight Savings Time to all of you! Let's hope that springing the clocks forward brings spring even sooner!

p.s. The photo is from our trip to France this past summer. I believe that the statue was l'Eglise Ste-Eustache, but I can't quite remember. We visited a lot of churches on our trip!

And the suckitude continues....

It's CD3 and I feel like total and utter crapola. My cramps were so bad this morning that at 5am I was in so much pain that I felt like I had to throw up. It took 3 extra strength ibuprophen to get me out of the door and to school. I've tried to stay seated as much as possible with the kiddies this morning, but it is proving difficult. 

I can't wait until April 7th. 

I said to Mr. JB this morning to remind me when I'm healing from surgery about the pain that I felt this morning. It was almost crippling. 

 I get to up my dose of C.lomid this month for one last ditch attempt to get knocked up before my surgery. I had another 15-day long luteal phase this past month and no brown bleeding or spotting. So things are looking up.

I really hope that my cramps feel better by this afternoon. I really want to go to yoga, but if I feel like this I'm going to go home and lie underneath my heating pad and sleep. The only time I don't feel pain is when I'm sleeping. 

This sucks. 

I'm so tired of feeling sorry for myself! 

Another reason why things suck

Not only am I barren. It is CD2 AND I have yeast infection. 

Yay! I love antibiotics! 

So not only do I have horrible cramps (I love endo!), but I have to wear a bulky, yucky maxi pad because of the yeast infection. I feel like I'm wearing a diaper.

I feel sorry for the kids in my class, I don't think I'm going to be very nice.

On the bright side, I'm almost done my report cards and March Break starts in eight school days.

Not that I'm counting.

The bell just rang. 

Ugh.

And we thought that everything was going fine...

Until I got a phone call from one of my friends from my old staff to tell me that she's pregnant. I almost started to cry on the phone.

Not only because I'm awfully and painfully jealous, but because she's spent the past five years saying that she doesn't want kids! She openly talked about not wanting to be a mom. She was proud of being able to do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted.

And then she calls me today to tell me that she's due in August.

Crap.

She said that her and her husband started talking about having kids recently. She expected that it would take longer since she's over 35. But lo and behold it didn't any time at all.

Look, I'm happy for her. She's a great friend and a fantastic teacher. But, SHE JUST DECIDED AND THEN GOT PREGNANT!!!

I've known since I was a little girl that I wanted to be a mom. I knew when I met my husband that I wanted to make as many babies as possible. We both want a HUGE family and we can't even have one!!!!!

I wish I could just decide to get pregnant and then the next month be with child. Decisions have had nothing to do with being infertile.

I don't know how much more I can take.

I did tell her about my surgery next month. I told her in not so many words that we've been trying for a long time and that the surgery is hopefully going to clear up the last of my fertility issues. We even joked that she could take a day off while I'm recuperating and she can take care of me. Although I don't know if I can handle having a pregnant person around me while I'm recovering.

It also doesn't help that it Peak +15 today and I was stupid and bought some POAS at the dollar store and got a BFN. I haven't POAS in over two years and the only reason that I even used the last tests was that they were about to expire. My boobs aren't as sore and I've been feeling twinges in my belly that feel like my period is coming. I'm sure that I'll see brown tomorrow just last like month on Peak +16.

I'm going to eat so more chocolate. Hopefully that'll make me feel better.

I've never felt more barren before.

p.s. My check engine light came on in my car while I was driving home. Not only am I barren, but now there's something wrong with my car.

Argh.